So am I just looking for fault?

[TheEnthusiasticTroll]

This be long as I am trying to see this from this all perspectives.

Dd aged 6 in year 2, made a remark about another child who is black. She was passing him a black button and said that he didn't need a button as his face was black.

Another child who is slightly older than dd, not sure the relevance, but this girl is far more grown up than my dd said " that's well racist, I'm making sure the teacher knows what you said" and then proceeded to march dd to the head with out her class teacher realising until they had left the class room.

The head shouts at dd, "that is rude, how dare you be so rude, now get back to your class room and get on with your work" and leaves the other child to escort dd back to class, whilst passing the class teacher who is looking for the girls.

This is according to dd, but I have no reason to feel this is inaccurate.

Dd is hysterical when leaving class and so teacher says we need to have a word, I take dd into the hall and she is inconsolable and won't tell me what is wrong, because she says "I did something terrible, I don't know what it is but you will be so angry with me" .

Teacher then sorts out children who aren't collected in time to the office and we go to class, dd asks to wait outside and teacher says no you must come in, dd is absolutely hysterical so I tell her to go and wash her face and ta from other class offers to look after her. The ta takes my hand and says you must tell her off as she didn't realise what she said. At that point I said of course I won't tell her off, it's obviously been dealt with. She takes dd into toilets and then her class room.

Dds class teacher tells me dd said something that was racist, I ask want it was and she said, I'm not to sure it was something about anther child, x, he is our little black boy not needing a button passed to him as he could put his face in the picture as he is black.

Ok I said, fair enough that seems that it could be unkind to the little boy and hurt his feelings, though I'm not sure this was dds intent to be racist. Can I ask how it was dealt with as dd is visibly upset, she assures me, she doesn't know but that the head obviously had to get involved because it was termed as racist. Bit she is sure it would have been delt with appropriately.

I explained I didn't feel she was coming across to well and it may be useful for me to talk to the head to gain some clarity and context as to how this was dot with as I would expect it should have been delalt with sensativly and as dd was so upset and she was unsure herself, I think I would get more information from the head.

So talk to head who explains that as it was comment regarding another child's race that could be hurtful it must be addressed. I did not disagree and expressed that dd has no concept of racism I would hope it was first most addressed in a manner that she realised it was unkind over and above anything else. The head agreed this happened but that she had to explain to dd how and why it race was an important issue here, I agreed I would do the same had I heard a similar comment, but I just did t want a seed to planted that otherwise may not occur to dd.

Anyway this is a very different explanation than dd gave me regarding, the head just shouting at her.

I explained to dd about racism and she said that's the word the other child used but the had not explained that to her, she just shouted at her for being rude and sent her back to class.

Now my concerns are the language used by the class teacher.

The fact that the head has seemingly not dealt with this in the sensitive manner as she had told me she had and dd not realising what she had done wrong.

Another child being able to march my dd to the head from a classroom and the class teacher not knowing this was happening.

Am I just seeing fault as this was handled sensitively as I would have in a way that would let my dd understand why this was not a nice thing to say.

I don't think for a minute that the ops daughter is racist. But ignorance is an excuse that stopped being acceptable a long time ago.

My DCs have been listening to these sorts of comments since they were first at school. And whilst a little comment like the ops daughter made is surely not a racial attack it singles out this one boy as worthy of comment because of the colour of his skin. The same way my DCs were singled out "oh you look like a bar of chocolate" "you have funny hair, is that because you are black?" "is your dad an African tribesman?"

And now, my 13 year old DS can't walk the dog on his own in the evening because he gets stopped by the police, because of his colour.
And can't hang around with his friends after dark because people assume he is trouble. And got called a darkie, and the n word at a football match last week.

I know it sounds like an innocent comment and it probably was.
But I would prefer, for my own children's sake that people teach their children not to single people out due to the colour of their skin, just like the op has said to her daughter.
The school handled this very very poorly, and I'd be furious as well.

But it's worth bearing in mind that if you haven't experienced your DCs being victims of these innocent comments, you don't really understand that however innocently and well meaning something is, it still marks the child out as being somehow different enough to discuss and point out in front of a whole class.
And that's hurtful

Firstly I have made no excuse through ignorance and it is wrong to say that unless you experience it you don't understand. That in its self creates a barrier to helping others understand. All children become marked out and pointed out as different, it is about how this is handled with children that makes a difference, wether this be race or anything else.

I recognise why race should be handled very differently than other forms of bullying but it does need to be handled in an appropriate fashion. All children should be able to explore differences that is what diversity is about, and in discouraging this skill in children is ignorant and leads to similar assumptions as you your self has expressed,that because you have not experienced it you do not understand. I would much rather all the children including the little boy was part of this so everyone could understand each other.

The other side of the coin Trantrums is my friend who lives in South London. Her son had been mugged by gangs of black boys at knife point 5 times by the time he was 15 years old, always on the way to and from school. He is white. I think he has experienced very serious racism here.

My daughters went to South London Infants and Junior schools, they had a bunch of friends from varied ethnic backgrounds and they never dished out or received any racism from the other kids, the parents were another matter, but mostly reasonably sane. The problems seem to get dramatically worse after Junior school from what I can see, but we had already fled to the country side by then thank God.

I think we need to get more real and reasonable about racism TBH, it's not all one way, all communities need to address their prejudices.

I am sorry your DS is experiencing this sort of thing too. There are ignorant people around sorry to say.

But she wasn't being ignorant. Any more than the child at my DD's school who repeatedly asked me if I had a baby in my tummy was being ignorant. He was being 5.

I think it's actually quite a bad idea to give children the idea that they must not go near this area. That it's taboo for some reason that they can't understand.

And fwiw, I do have mixed race children in my family and I don't perceive it like you do Tantrums. I'd be bloody boiling at the things your DCs have experienced (they are not at that age yet where they are exposed to this sort of thing) but we are a family with different coloured skins and that gets reflected in lots of ways quite explicitly sometimes (my mum made some rag dolls of different colours for her grandchildren, with different coloured hair and eyes to represent the child in question). This is noticing and observing difference. And not attachign any value other than pleasure in diversity.

Yes. That's racism. Being mugged at knifepoint by black kids is beyond horrific. Racism exists in every race and ethnicity.
And people are still judged by their skin colour, if someone who had been mugged by a young black boy saw my DS and his friends they may well assume that he was the same. And I accept it to a point although it infuriates me.

Op I don't think your daughter said anything terrible, that's what I'm trying to say. I think you handled it very well even though the school was horrific.
I'm just saying what seems to be a very innocent comment could be hurtful to someone. That could apply to any situation.
I just meant unless you are the person it's directed at, you can't imagine it to be hurtful.

I don't think anyone but the school was wrong, I was just trying to show how it could be hurtful, that's all.

And I meant ignorant as in she didn't know anyone would take offense. Why would she. She is 6.

I did not mean it in an insulting way. But a lot of grown people who do not live in a ethnically diverse area are unaware or ignorant of racism. That's not acceptable.

Ok thanks tantrums, I know it could be hurtful no need of convincing there and I expect my dd to learn that, had I heard I would have pointed it out to her and expect thenschoolmwould do the same, but in labelling this racism, that is the message that was left out of the whole situation. My dd learned nothing but I'm racist, and I don't know why because I don't know what racism is, but every one is furiouse with me.

Did the teacher really say 'he's our little black boy'? I find that shocking. Surely it would be obvious his race if she compared a black button to his skin colour so why would the teacher say that?

Also young children don't have a concept of racism and just say things as they see them. Obviously when they say something upsetting they should have it explained to them why it is upsetting, but not dragged from pillar to post whilst being branded a racist!

The teacher did say that and I immediately told her she was not really not coming across very well and so I wanted to talk to the head.

I would be a bit concerned by that. She is sounding very derogatory.

YANBU, my heart goes out for your daughter. What STUPID school staff with the exception of the TA. Do they not know how to develop and nurture kids?? They should have talked about differences in children calmly as a topic in school, in fact the child who escorted your daughter out of class should have had her parents brought in. They made a huge issue from an innocent remark of a child, they of all people should know that children see things at face value. How i feel for your daughter , who mustve felt so stressd and ashamed, for nothing. Im asian and cannot stand the pc brigade, say it how it is!