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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH acted like a twat?

43 replies

Quaffingwine · 09/11/2012 21:45

DH has been having a really stressful time at work recently, a lot of responsibility and things going wrong that are outside his control. So I know he's been on a knife edge for a while.

Last week he erupted at a family member, who was being irritating, but didn't deserve being yelled at (they'd both had a few drinks).

Tonight, I had to drop him off at a business event in his car (due to a long complicated story my car is parked 20 miles away). DH has had all week to organise making sure my car is returned to me tonight but he hasn't bothered to do it. He lent the car to someone who works for him. Basically it's a combination of him always leaving things until the last minute and him not wanting to inconvenience the person he's lent the car to. But it's okay to inconvenience me I take it?

He leaves it until 7.00pm tonight to tell me that he hasn't sorted out getting my car back home tonight. Then proceeds to come up with a couple of hare-brain suggestions of getting my car to me tomorrow, but which scupper my plans for tomorrow.

I knew he was already stressed but I couldn't resist baiting him about my car because I was annoyed that he'd been so disorganised and was leaving me in the lurch over the weekend probably without a car (DH goes away tomorrow morning and won't be back until Sunday).

Within a few moments of discussing this car issue with him, he's losing his temper and roaring at me in the car. Resulting in our 2 DCs sitting in the back, getting upset and crying.

I know he's been really stressed but he's brought this car situation on himself. It could so easily have been sorted out days ago, he just didn't bother to. And I'm furious with him for shouting infront of our DCs and upsetting them.

OP posts:
PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort · 09/11/2012 21:52

YANBU he is a twat.

but then why would you bait anyone? you played a part in this too.

frootshoots · 09/11/2012 21:54

He shouldn't have blown up in front of the kids, he should have sorted the car out before today, but you shouldn't have wound up someone who is obviously very stressed. It wasn't going to solve anything was it?

Whoknowswhocares · 09/11/2012 21:54

Why in the hell is he lending out YOUR car in the first place. Never mind not getting it back. WTF?
And as for yelling in front of the kids......totally out of order. No amount of stress gives him reason to act like that.

WorraLiberty · 09/11/2012 21:56

He sounds like an idiot

But why would you bait an already stressed person when your kids are in the car?

I think you can share the blame for the fact they got upset and started crying.

Just ring the person yourself and tell them you want your car back...then don't allow your DH to lend it out again.

Original poster
Quaffingwine · 09/11/2012 22:03

I was happy to agree to DH lending my car on the understanding that I wouldn't have to be inconvenienced by it.

I know I shouldn't have baited him when I could tell he was already stressed but I was so annoyed that he'd basically not kept his end of the bargin. One of his solutions was for us to both get up at 7.00am tomorrow morning to drive and collect my car. No thanks. His next solution was for him to get up very early, to catch the train and collect my car.Which I thought was reasonable.

Then he realised he couldn't get in touch with the bloke to tell him about his plan (DH had left his mobile behind at work) and he'd need to collect my car keys from this bloke, and so wasn't sure where the bloke would be first thing tomorrow morning.

It's just a typical catalogue of errors whenever my DH is left to arrange anything and I'm the one left inconvenienced.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 09/11/2012 22:04

Stress does do funny things to you, and you knew he was stressed so why make it worse?

The worst bit is shouting in front of the DCs, especially in the car where it sounds louder and they can't escape, but then sometimes things do escalate without you meaning them to.

He sounds on a knifes edge if it's unusual behaviour for him, maybe time to try and sort things so it's less stressful for both of you?

sparkleyangel · 09/11/2012 22:06

Might I suggest Wink that if you know where your car is you use his car to go and get your car, leaving his in its place. Lets see how quick he sorts out getting his own car back. Bet its a damn sight quicker than he bothered to organise getting yours back Grin

WorraLiberty · 09/11/2012 22:07

All of that's fair enough imo...he sounds incredibly selfish when it comes to things that affect you and not him.

But this... And I'm furious with him for shouting infront of our DCs and upsetting them .... is something I think you both need to share the blame for.

sparkleyangel · 09/11/2012 22:08

Do you not have a spare set of keys?

Gumby · 09/11/2012 22:11

You say it would hardly take any time to sort it out so why didnt you?

Don't leave everything to him & then moan about him being stressed

Original poster
Quaffingwine · 09/11/2012 22:11

I know I shouldn't have argued with him when he was already so stressed. But on top of his work stresses he'd brought my extra car stress purely on himself.

I told him at the start of the week to ask the bloke to drive my car back back to our house tonight, then he could catch the train back home (only a 20 minute journey). It would have been so easy. But DH didn't because I know he thought the bloke would think catching a train home would be inconvenient. But how much more inconvenient would it be for us to have to get up at 6.30am tomorrow morning to fecth it back?

So he didn't sort it out, left it all hanging in the air and then lashes out verbally when he's backed into a corner.

A lot of his stress isn't his fault I know that, but quite a lot of it actually is because he always puts off doing stuff, and so situations like tonight happen all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quaffingwine · 09/11/2012 22:14

Sparkly - I can't because my DCs are asleep upstairs, and although I know where my car is I don't know where the guy lives who has my keys. I know it's parked in a car park 5 mins from his house that's all.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/11/2012 22:14

But do they happen in front of the kids?

Original poster
Quaffingwine · 09/11/2012 22:16

Gumby I don't have any kind of relationship with this bloke, he just does work for my DH sometimes. DH led me to believe that my car would be returned tonight. It was only tonight at 7pm that he told me that it wouldn't be.

OP posts:
buggerama · 09/11/2012 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Quaffingwine · 09/11/2012 22:18

It's rare for him to be shotuing Worraliberty, but often situations happen where he makes his and our lives more difficult just because he hasn't sorted something out thoroughly, or hasn't checked details.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quaffingwine · 09/11/2012 22:20

buggerama I need my car because I had a long standing arrangement to visit my Mum which my DCs were looking forward to. And I don't like being left without a car all weekend it's not fair and it's not necessary.

OP posts:
PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort · 09/11/2012 22:25

You can't be pissy with him for shouting in front of dds when you deliberately baited him. You lost all moral high ground when you did that.

Why did you do that if you didn't want him to shout?

I don't know many people can be openly baited (in front of their kids) when they are extremely stressed that wouldn't at least tell you to shut the fuck up.

The kids don't want to see their dad shouting at their mum, neither do they want to see their mum poke at their dad to get said reaction.

sparkleyangel · 09/11/2012 22:30

I'm with quaffingwine here, I can understand her being peed off about her car and why shouldn't she be. Hubby needs to get a grip and not bring his work problems home, its not her fault and she shouldn't have to take the brunt of his stress. If hes having problems he needs to sort it out.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 09/11/2012 22:30

Look I would probably have baited him too, that's not on to leave you without a car for the weekend I can see why you are annoyed.

AlmostAHipster · 09/11/2012 22:49

I'd be absolutely livid with him and is be damned if I was going to keep quiet about it just because he was 'stressed'. Honestly, I'm amazed at some of these replies - are we in Stepford?

He loaned the car. He should get the car back without inconveniencing the OP and never lend out her possessions again. Ever.

The twat!

And don't get me started on shouting in front of the kids! OP - YANBU!

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 09/11/2012 22:49

Phone the police and report your car stolen - or rather, call the person who has it and tell him that you have done this because your DH didn't tell you where your car was, and that if the borrower brings your car back right now before the police call you back to take all the details you will tell them it's ok and a mistake.
Then just sit back and wait for your car to arrive.
Or, if you are really pissed off, just actually phone the police and report your car stolen - you actually have no idea where it is because yur DH took it away and is now refusing to return it - you only have his word for where it is, and just because you are married, it doesn't mean he can steal your car Wink

midseasonsale · 09/11/2012 22:51

get him to pay for a hire car for you.

midseasonsale · 09/11/2012 22:51

He is taking the piss. He should have returned the car to you ASAP.

t0lk13n · 09/11/2012 22:54

Take his car and let your husband sort himself out for when he is away. Or go out and take his keys. I know it is tit for tat but give him a taste of his own medicine and he may not be so quick to be a dick

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