AIBU to think DH acted like a twat?

[Quaffingwine]

DH has been having a really stressful time at work recently, a lot of responsibility and things going wrong that are outside his control. So I know he's been on a knife edge for a while.

Last week he erupted at a family member, who was being irritating, but didn't deserve being yelled at (they'd both had a few drinks).

Tonight, I had to drop him off at a business event in his car (due to a long complicated story my car is parked 20 miles away). DH has had all week to organise making sure my car is returned to me tonight but he hasn't bothered to do it. He lent the car to someone who works for him. Basically it's a combination of him always leaving things until the last minute and him not wanting to inconvenience the person he's lent the car to. But it's okay to inconvenience me I take it?

He leaves it until 7.00pm tonight to tell me that he hasn't sorted out getting my car back home tonight. Then proceeds to come up with a couple of hare-brain suggestions of getting my car to me tomorrow, but which scupper my plans for tomorrow.

I knew he was already stressed but I couldn't resist baiting him about my car because I was annoyed that he'd been so disorganised and was leaving me in the lurch over the weekend probably without a car (DH goes away tomorrow morning and won't be back until Sunday).

Within a few moments of discussing this car issue with him, he's losing his temper and roaring at me in the car. Resulting in our 2 DCs sitting in the back, getting upset and crying.

I know he's been really stressed but he's brought this car situation on himself. It could so easily have been sorted out days ago, he just didn't bother to. And I'm furious with him for shouting infront of our DCs and upsetting them.

He shouldn't have loaned your car out and should have been more organised in getting it returned.

You shouldn't have baited him and tbh, shouldn't have got involved in this idea if you know how disorganised he is.

really pombear? youd advise her to waste police time investigating a stolen car because both the op and her husband are too damn lazy to get the car back?

How is this the OP's fault? She used the word baited but she had every right to be furious and to make her displeasure known. When you do something wrong or inconsiderate it's normal for other people to be unhappy about that and let you know how they feel. The grown up thing is to apologise and sort it out not lose your temper. It would be a bit surrendered wife to swallow all that and be carless all weekend just because the poor fellow is stressed and cannot be expected to have to deal with the annoyance he has caused.

Its not stepford at all.

yes he was a twat. Yes her car should be returned. But both the OP and the dh are in the wrong. Baiting someone is a childish things to do, especially when you then complain about their reaction in front of the kids.
Di you think the kids want to see their mum goading their dad anymore than they want their dad to shout?

the whole thing is not good.
OP you need to work out how to (as a couple) handle disagreements. And don't let him lend you stuff to anyone. Although why you would she he does this alot I don't know.

The OP isn't lazy merry her "D"H has stolen her car and given it away and is refusing to get it back. Now if this is part of a pattern of behaviour where he treats her possessions as his own and steals or destroys or gives them away without her knowledge or permission, and he then shouts at her so much their children are reduced to tears, he is an abuser and the police should be informed.
I did say if she was that pissed off which, while a bit flippant was intended to imply (so sorry if you missed my implication) that she knows him and his behaviour, and if this is common so can judge the severity of the situation for herself.

His car is now belong to you for the weekend I reckon.

He can go & get yours & swap back if he likes.

But it was probably not the best thing to wind him up in front of the kids (I would've done too, & then felt guilty about it.)

Bloody hell op, you're getting a hard time.

Tbh, the bloke that borrowed the car should have returned it.

Your dh was unorganized, as he didn't plan with the other guy what was gonna happen.

NEVER lend your car to anyone YOU don't know personally. I wouldn't anyway.

Your dh should have lent his own car, and used yours as his run around.

what do you mean by baited him?

being cross that he has not sorted it out expessed in a reasonably civilised manner or calling him names and swearing?

you are entitled to be coss at his incompetance and leaving you inconvenienced. you are entitled to express that annoyance to him and ask him for a solution that does not inconvenience you.

Well yes she said baited but I assumed it was remonstration rather than a goading iyswim.

Did your DH put off asking the person if they'd drive it back tonight because of the thought that he'd be inconveniencing them?

But he'd be right to inconvenience himself first before expecting someone else to go out of their way, and he was prepared to get up early to do it, even though he's forgotten his works phone.

If you say it's rare for him to be shouting, I would take that as an indicator he's struggling. If he were to have a breakdown and you were looking back at how you could have behaved differently, wouldn't trying to support him more be one of those things?

It's easy to pass of someone as being a drama queen, but you've said he's under a lot of pressure, if you were trying to get lots of YANBUs you wouldn't have put it in the OP?

Does that mean you are actually worried for him?

Going to your parents isn't an emergency, you could easily put it off, stop trying to poke him with pointy sticks.

She's probably going to her parents as her dh is away this weekend, so going for some light relief.

I wish I could go see my parents, but I live in Oz.

My dh regularly ignores my requests, so it can be frustrating when he doesn't listen.

Why don't you keep his car for the weekend, tell him he can get up early, take a train to go get yours, and take it with him for the weekend.

Agent why is he right to inconvenience himself before someone else when he is already doing that person a massive favour by lending them his wife's car? Surely it's not a hardship to say "please return it to me when you are done"? By not setting the "price" of the favour at the outset he has inconvenienced his whole family by trying to be extra-nice to someone else. Tw families, if you count the OP's DM setting the time aside for a scheduled visit that now won't happen because getting there requires a car.

He has passed the horizon of thoughtlessness and is disappearing into the distance, IMO.

I know what you mean FlatFaced, but I sometimes put things off if I think they'll be difficult even though I know I'm just making it worse.

Of course he's doing the same thing and inconveniencing the OP as well, but this on top of the other things the OP says about him and I wonder exactly what state he's in?

You said it yourself, 'He has passed the horizon of thoughtlessness and is disappearing into the distance', that's not a good sign, it says a person who's normally is mostly in control and on top of things, isn't.

Feeling out of control and going under are things which need more than just their DP baiting them with how they've fucked up.

(obviously I've only got what the OPs said to go on, but I feel sorry for him, even on a thread saying he's a twat, the OPs bringing up reasons for why he's behaving out of character but not listening to herself)

Thank you for all your replies, and I do fully accept I shoudn't have baited him infront of our DCs. I didn't raise my voice or swear at him or anything aggressive like that. I just very sarcastically pointed out several times how all this hassle could very easily have been avoided if he'd just put some simple arrangements in place a few days ago.

DH knew he was in the wrong and just didn't like me telling him.

To update you all. He got back very late last night and was very drunk. This morning he's finally roused himself and has postponed his trip today (although to be honest he would have been in no fit state to drive anywhere this morning anyway) and will miss a sports game he was really looking forward to, so he can drive me to collect my car after lunch. So I can then visit my Mum.

So I suppose in his eyes he's making amends I'm just pissed off that it had to come to this.

Zigzag my DH always puts off doing difficult or awkward things, and then the situation just becomes ten times worse. I think it's a childish trait and pretty feeble for a man in his late 30s. So behaving like this isn't out of character for him, it's what he does.

He will put off and put off asking a big favour, or sorting something out and then drop it on someone at the very last minute. He doesn't care that it will inconvenience the other person because he's given them no notice. He just wants to delay him having to do something awkward for as long as possible.

A few years ago we had booked 5 days away and he told me he had sorted out his Mum looking after our DCs and she was happy to do it. Then 2 days before we were due to go away, we visited his Mum and as we were leaving his Mum's house (we'd been there all day) he just hurridly asked his Mum if she would have our DCs! He only gave her 2 days notice!

I was so angry with him. And I think his Mum would have been well within her rights to refuse. But she didn't of course. His Mum's always been a push over for him all his life and I think he grew up expecting everyone else to just always help him out, even at the last minute.

And there's been so many similar incidents.

It's not all negative. He can be very generous and helpful and he spends hours playing and doing stuff with our DCs. But he's got a very selfish streak in him.

YANBU. The person who borrowed the car should have expected to return it - someone does you a favour, you respond by being helpful. inconvenient to get a train back after returning the car? That's ridiculous - if that's what the fear of your DH was they were undeserving of the favour.

I completely understand your reaction. If he is stressed and this isn't a frequent thing then he needs help - that isn't to undermine your feelings, you have a right to these and I would have reacted in the same way. And whilst I agree shouting in front of the children isn't ideal, neither is hiding marital conflict altogether. Yes, it is upsetting for them, but what you do in the aftermath is important and explaining to them that it was 'wrong' and you are both sorry and why you argued.

An ex boyfriend was sort of like this. He would go out of his way to be nice to people he wasn't keen on (massively inconveniencing me) because he didn't want them to know he didn't like them. One time, this guy from his work phoned (for a social call, not work) just as we were about to leave the house to go out. He was on the phone for an hour because he didn't want to say it wasn't a good time. We missed our evening out.

It made me lose all respect for him and is one of the many, many reasons he's my ex.

Will he be fit to drive after lunch?