to ask why the cat attacked my anus

[Corygal]

So I settle down to a snory night with an equally snory tabby. While in my eyes it is a tiny helpless scrap of fur, to the uninitiated it may strangely appear as a 30lb feral tom.

It traditionally gets me up by scratching me gently on the elbow. But this morning, as it 'patted' my arm, I let rip a massive fart. The next thing I feel is a bloody great hairy arm shooting up the nightie.

It lashed out under the bridge. Three times.

Shrieking 'Paws not claws' repeatedly, I finally got free of its flailing, slicing claws and staggered to the kitchen where it got its 3 breakfasts, drink, milk, snack and so on.

I am now feeding it its post-supper treat but my arsehole still throbs.

actually crying - DH and DSS giving me looks

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Fri 09-Nov-12 21:16:01
When I was a teenager, our cat bit my dad's bollocks while he was asleep.

I can still remember the scream...

Okay that's me done for now.

Crying here too

That's just the most fecking beautiful thread ever.

I have had 3 babies and need a wee a bit - very bad combo whle reading this thread!

I am so using this thread to persuade DS2(almost 16) why he really doesn't want a pet cat. And especially why he wouldn't want one to sleep in his bed!

Thanks a million OP, an entire train carriage full of people now think I'm a lunatic for staring at my phone and crying with laughter. Stern look over the top of my glasses to you too Sunny: I'd just got myself under control when you set me off again.

I remember waking up one night when I was a teenager to hear lots of running water and a strange retching noise. My dad had fallen asleep on his side and with his mouth open and woken up suddenly to find the dog standing beside the bed licking the inside of his mouth. He spent a long time washing his mouth out.

Bless you OP, I needed a laugh!! I love 'paws on claws' too.

It'll have sorted out your piles anyway

DH and I were once, ahem, mid-session and we turned around to discover our (recently acquired) kittens huddled together at the edge of the bed staring at us in what I can only describe as fascinated horror We couldn't go on after that!!

He must have been in a bad mewd.

Although, maybe he had a point...

crying here. bloody genius.

i say 'paws not claws' to my cats too.

When cats attack..... anuses

Wonderful thread. DCat2 just looks at me in a disgusted way and shoots off if she is near me in bed when I fart. She dribbles continuously so she can't really claim the moral high ground!

Crying with laughter here.

I looked after a friends cat whilst she was on holiday for a while, and had the cat here so she didn't get lonely. What she didn't warn me of was that the cat had a thing about feet moving. We discovered this the first time DP and I attempted to DTD when she was staying. Thankfully he was on top, my feet were saved But it was like sneaking around as a teenager, trying to have sex without getting caught... By the cat!

ohhh very very funny! I'm so glad I'm reading this at home where nobody can see me laughing.

I love the "paws not claws" comment too

FatherRC sounds like the party where my DH's mate fell asleep, so they put fish paste round his mouth. For the dogs to lick. Bleurgh.

Sniggering helplessly just at the thread title.

OP, YANBU.

I'm a sniggering mess now. This is one of the funniest threads I have read in aaaaages.

See this is why dogs are safer. You fart they either looked offended or thrilled. No violence.

Not my old girl! If you were perched on the edge of the seat when one escaped she would try and stick her nose up your fanjo!

Wish me luck all of you, I'm going in. To bed. Well, after I've done this codeine pill and the rest of the sudocrem tub.

Actual tears!
Just hoping my furry nightmare can't read.

I'm a sniggering, weeping mess and my stomach hurts from laughing so much.

I did manage to get a hold of myself after reading the OP then dissolved into uncontrollable giggles again at the mouse/tampon confusion. Classic.

Was he attempting to perform a Lateral Internal Sphinxerotomy ?

.Soz. Couldn't resist.
Hope your starfish makes a rapid recovery.

Fabulous! My cat likes to wake me by holding my face between his two paws and sticking his nose up my nose. It's an experience, truly. But several leagues below having cat claws hooked into your nethers.