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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dd this is out of order!

78 replies

mosschops30 · 09/11/2012 18:23

Dd (16) announces tonight that she is going to town with - lets call him shaun.
So i say isnt shaun 'katies' boyfriend?
Yes but hes my friend too says dd

Me and dh say its not appropriate to go to the cinema with your friends boyf when she doesnt know
Dd says things have 'changed since your day' Hmm

so ive told her she needs to message him and say 'sorry cant do this weekend shaun, but woud love to see you and katie soon'

Shes in a strop now.

So AIBU

OP posts:
Whoknowswhocares · 09/11/2012 19:00

so ive told her she needs to message him and say 'sorry cant do this weekend shaun,

Who's making stuff up? I took it that this comment meant you had/intended to stop her. Sounds that way from what you've written?

hugoagogo · 09/11/2012 19:03

YABU

It's a bit weird of you to get involved.

She won't thank you for your advice and may resent it however it turns out.

Dozer · 09/11/2012 19:03

Is your DD close/old friends with katie?

If so, then yanbu.

If not, then fair enough.

Either way, is for DD to decide.

TidyDancer · 09/11/2012 19:05

I think Katie should've been told, but not her approval sought.

Your DD and Shaun do not need Katie's permissiong or approval to spend time together, but I think it's courteous to let her know they are doing it.

cookielove · 09/11/2012 19:06

mosschops30
so ive told her she needs to message him and say 'sorry cant do this weekend shaun, but woud love to see you and katie soon'

To me this reads that you were stopping her from going Hmm

I think she should be able to go, he's a mate and they should be able to go the cinema without having to check with peoples partners.

Loobylou222 · 09/11/2012 19:06

What difference would it make if Katie did know?

I don't really think you can tell her who she can and can't go out with, but you can' advise her of how it looks from the outsiders point of view.

At the end of the day, she is 16 and will probably do what she wants anyway, one way or another, I know I did.

MammaTJ · 09/11/2012 19:07

My DD age 17 often goes to the cinema with male friends of hers and her BFs. They have GFs but are busy or don't want to watch the film.

I can't really see any harm in it.

IslaValargeone · 09/11/2012 19:07

Although you say you haven't 'stopped' her from going, your post says
"I've told her she needs to message him and say I can't do this weekend."
To the reader,hat really does sound like you have told her she can'tsee him.
It's a bit harsh to suggest people are making up their own bits.

If you have pulled her up on it fair enough, but I think she has to make the decision, and you should keep out of it.

GhostShip · 09/11/2012 19:08

A few of my friends now class DP as their friend, because they've got to know him over time.

Would you all think it was okay if they went to the pictures together though without telling me?

StuntGirl · 09/11/2012 19:10

Yes I would actually. I went to the pub last week with a guy who is technically my DP's friend, although he's since become my friend. Just us two. We watched a few bands, had a few beers, it was fun. Would never dream of asking permission or worrying about not going because my DP didn't know.

verytellytubby · 09/11/2012 19:12

I think you should have kept out of it. At 16 it's her life lesson she needs to make.

HearMyRoar · 09/11/2012 19:13

I don't think that whether going to the cinema with this guy is a reasonable thing for your daughter to do is the point here. The point is that it's not your business to get involved. She is 16 and able to make her own decisions, and her own mistakes. I think a raised eyebrow and a comment that it might seem a bit odd and perhaps katie might not be so keen on the idea was all that was needed. After that it's your daughter's call.

NoTeaForMe · 09/11/2012 19:14

I'm not sure I'd stop her from going but I would point out that sneaking around behind her friends back isn't very nice. If its all innocent then why are they keeping it a secret? That's the big question. I would hope that she would come to the conclusion herself that it isn't the right thing to do.

I think she should have friends who are boys and one of them being in a relationship shouldn't change that...but when one half of that relationship doesn't know whats going on then you start getting into deceiving, sneaky territory!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/11/2012 19:14

YABU.

Do people have to tell their friends and boy/girlfriends where they are every evening?

Depends I suppose on whether it's a secret, and if it is a secret then why. If it's because the girlfriend will go off on one if her boyfriend dares to socialise without her then fair enough not to say anything, but the boyf ought to seriously question their relationship.

Anyway, they're 16. People change boyfs/girlfs as often as they change their socks in their teens.

hattymattie · 09/11/2012 19:15

Well my DD 16 thinks it's not reasonable if they haven't told her - implies they have something to hide. In a gang with others OK not just as a twosome.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/11/2012 19:17

HearMyRoar is talking more sense than I am Grin

Pozzled · 09/11/2012 19:17

Ghostship I would thi.k it very weird if my DH went to the cinema with my friend and didn't tell me. But that's because we live together, have to make arrangement for the kids etc.

When I was dating DH I would not have minded it happening. I might have been a bit miffed not to be asked, but I can think of lots of circumstances where it would be absolutely fine- if I was busy that weekend, or wasn't interested in that particular film etc.

OP, I think you were right to point out how it might appear, but I think you should have let your daughter make her own choice- and learn her own lessons if need be.

PamelaSwynfordDeBeaufort · 09/11/2012 19:17

Yanbu. As a parent you should try and steer your kids in the right direction.
Katie will be pissed when she finds put her friend and boyfriend went to the cinema and didn't tell her. Whether she should be upset or not, isn't the point. If you know she will be.
As the parent and adult you can see what's coming.
But if she doesn't want to take you advice let it go. She will learn.
You can't control her, you can give advice. Which is what you have done.

Tuttutitlookslikerain · 09/11/2012 19:18

Bloody hell! DS2(almost16) has gone to a party tonight with his friend from up the road, who is a girl and has a boyfriend. It didn't occur to me to ask if her boyfriend has been invited and if not does he mind if she goes with DS2! They have been friends years, why would I get involved?

I think YABU!

lljkk · 09/11/2012 19:18

I think you were right to point out the obvious & then leave her to her own mistakes.

QuickLookBusy · 09/11/2012 19:19

I wouldn't be happy with this.

My dd is 18 and I'm imagining her not telling a close friend that she was going to the cinema with her boyfriend.

I know she wouldn't do that. It's rather mean.

Whoknowswhocares · 09/11/2012 19:26

There is a very big difference between feeling that DD shouldn't do it and getting involved though!
At 16 her relationships with her friends (of either sex) are not the business of her mother. Advice is fine but to be telling her she can't and especially dictating at text to the boy concerned is out of line. How is the poor girl going to ever learn if she is micro-managed?

ConfusedPixie · 09/11/2012 19:26

YABVU. My best friend at that age was a bloke and dating another of my friends. None of her business what we did! Just like if he was with his best mate (a bloke). He used to take me out for dinner and everything. It was completely platonic at the time.

However, 7 years later we're now together ;) Only took 6 bloody years!

BOFisAlwaysUltra · 09/11/2012 19:31

It's the secrecy that whiffs. I do think you were right to pull her up on it- it's part of a parent's job to teach right from wrong. You were perhaps a bit prescriptive though- it might have been better to have a more open conversation and try to get her to work it out for herself. Although that's maybe easier said than done.

wineandroses · 09/11/2012 19:33

I don't get why you are involved? She is going to the cinema with a friend. Girls are allowed to have male friends, even if they have girlfriends. My nieces have just as many male friends as female and they would find it most odd to have to check with the girlfriends before going to the cinema. I don't think there is anything sneaky about meeting a friend and not telling other friends about it. I think it would be quite sufficient to gently enquire if Katie is going too, but it would be quite normal for girls I know to say no, why? Telling her to send that text is really overstepping the mark.