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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH changing his plans so i have to cancel mine :(

79 replies

ilikelongnaps · 09/11/2012 15:44

DH and I have 8mo dd and he has 2 dc (11 and 10) from previous marriage. I am down at the moment, DH suggested it would do me good to have an evening with friends once in a while to get away from just being mum which I was excited about today and asked him last week if he could have dd as my mum is at a party herself tonight. He said it was fine at the time and even confirmed this morning that he;ll be back to give dd tea and do bedtime.

Just had a text from DH saying he forgot its his turn to take the girls to hockey club tonight and to get my mum to watch dd instead. I know the girls have hockey on a fri night and DH usually takes them (supposed to take in turns with exw but thats another story) which is why i asked last week and assumed he'd arranged for exw to take tonight otherwise we wouldn't have arranged an evening out.

this isn't the first time he has cancelled on me at the last minute and it seems if his ex needs him to have the girls anytime he'll bend over backwards to be there. he's out 2 evenings a week with them and everyother friday and weekend. then it turns into every weekend which i'm not complaining about i'm glad he has contact with them but then hardly sees dd in the week and at the weekend as always ends up taking them out riding or going to friends houses with them which he says is not appropriate for dd so young.

So about tonight I'm gutted, had my dress all picked out and friends excited etc but now i can't go but friends are going anyway and sounds shallow i know but i hadly ever get chance to go out have fun. it winds me up that his exw will suddenly change her plans and DH will drop everything here to suit her but we (me and DD) always end up being dropped and have to arrange alternative childcare which isn't fair as she his dd too and why should i have to change my plans when he could just say to ex he can't tonight and they can swap as she always does.

sorry if this doesn't make sense, im very frustrated.

oh AIBU to think it isn't much to ask that he tell me at time if he can't have her save me feeling let down like this or ask ex to rearrange?

OP posts:
AnAirOfHopeForSnow · 09/11/2012 16:16
Angry

"his girls like their alone time with him"

Like ffs they are all his girls and the sooner he understands that the better. Tell him to pick the baby up before he picks his older children up and that you will see him at 10.

ginnybag · 09/11/2012 16:35

Have his older girl's actually ever met their sister? That is what your DD is to them - their sister.

In fact, this is the sort of thing he should be doing. It's a low stress, low confrontation way of introducing his two older DD's to the fact that their Dad is now also her Dad, just as much and just as equally.

Tell him you'll have your DD ready for him to collect on his way and then go out and enjoy your evening. He had made a commitment to your DD tonight just as much as to the other DD's. It's not acceptable for him to pick one over the other when it's possible for him to meet both with very little fuss. He needs to learn that, and practice, because it will only get worse as your DD stops being a portable baby and becomes a child with her own wants, needs, and hobbies.

diddl · 09/11/2012 16:41

His girls like their alone time-er they´ll be playing hockey??!!

OscarPistoriusGirlfriend · 09/11/2012 16:43

This is going to sound harsh but I would tell the older DS's that life isn't fair and their baby sister is coming along whether they like it or not. You go and enjoy yourself, it's your DH's problem NOT yours.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/11/2012 16:43

So you look after your dd when he goes out but he can't get it together to return the favour? It sounds as though he takes you and your care for dd for granted and needs to do a lot more asking of favours from you, rather than telling you what he's doing and expecting you to cover childcare.

Tonight, I think you could say that you've committed to your plans and can't let your friends down. He needs to sort out his own mess. Do you think it's ok for the baby to go to hockey practice? If so, you've nothing to lose by being firm. Any game playing on his part (e.g. telling his dds you've prevented them from going to practice) would be just that. Depends on whether you're prepared to brazen that one out.

Generally, sounds like you need a chat about him taking you for granted and prioritising some time as a family and for you.

VirginiaDare · 09/11/2012 16:43

Don't let him refuse to have his own baby, just walk out and leave him to it.

anklebitersmum · 09/11/2012 16:44

Pffft. Girls like their alone time?? They're running round a hockey pitch aren't they Hmm

No reason that littlie can't go with DH to hockey. You should be able to go out. Insist. Seems to me he's sussed that you are the path of least resistance hence you're getting the smelly end of the stick.

quoteunquote · 09/11/2012 16:46

crock of poo,

There is no good reason why he can't take an eight month old to hockey.

You are being played.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 09/11/2012 16:50

I think the ideal response when he realised he 'double booked' pah! just take the baby would have been

"oh, have you double booked? Hope you manage to find a babysitter....im off to get ready"

Exit stage left.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 09/11/2012 16:51

I'm sure little sis will live to cheer on her big sisters when she's older so start now! I'm sure big sisters will love to show off little sister. It's good to have alone time but good to have family too.

I'd push him to take her if he won't I would seriously be having a massive tantrum tomorrow!

ENormaSnob · 09/11/2012 16:53

So you are even lower on his priority list than his ex?

Seems he can constantly facilitate her plans Hmm

longjane · 09/11/2012 16:55

get a paid baby sister and get him to them when he get in

FireOverBabylon · 09/11/2012 16:59

"the girls like their time alone with him"? Tough.

He has 3 daughters, the other one's a baby, also needs time alone with her dad and gets to go in the car too. Rain won't disolve her.

ChasedByBees · 09/11/2012 17:02

I would be seething with resentment - I have a 10m old and I know how you feel not to have time to yourself. I think you need to have a serious chat with him, he's massively taking you for granted.

Rindercella · 09/11/2012 17:10

How would he deal with it if you were just not available due to sickness, visiting sick relative, family emergency, etc? He would just have to get the girls' mother to take them or take all three of his children at the same time.

It is terribly sad that he doesn't just do this as a matter of course. And it is horrible for you to end up feeling that both you and your DD come very low down in the pecking order. Perhaps not his intention, but it is the result of his actions making you feel that way.

AThingInYourLife · 09/11/2012 17:12

"He's refusing to take dd as its raining and he says the girls like their alone time with him."

Stupid cunt.

He has 3 daughters, why should two of them get to demand the other is left at home?

Also, "alone time" at hockey practise?! Hmm

He just doesn't want you going out.

You just go as arranged.

Leave him to sort out his own children.

GladbagsGold · 09/11/2012 17:16

What everyone else said.

Enjoy your night out.

MistressIggi · 09/11/2012 17:17

Is he worried about minding the baby? Crying etc. My DH is - but he still has to do it sometimes!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/11/2012 17:24

Sounds like he sees your daughter as your responsibility while he carries on with his life as he chooses.

Why did he and his wife split up?

StuntGirl · 09/11/2012 17:26

Poor OP :( He's acting like a bit of a twat.

They're all his girls, he won't be having 'alone time' since they're playing hockey, 8 month olds are about as portable as you get so there should be no problem taking her, he can spend an evening with ALL of his daughters and his wife can have a much needed break.

I really am failing to see the issue with this scenario.

Tell him it's too late to rearrange plans and he will need to look after all his kids tonight as originally agreed. You are going out. And you're going to look fabulous and have a brilliant time with your mates.

ImAlpharius · 09/11/2012 17:31

They like their 'alone time' with him, has he asked them if they would mind the baby coming, if not he is pitting his DD's against each other out of his own selfishness. Very unfair.

whois · 09/11/2012 17:46

OMG he's a total cock.

Why did him and the ex split? Does he always treat you like this?

Get baby ready, drive over to hockey and deliver him the baby. Give him a kiss and say "thanks do much for looking after all three lovely girls tonight darling" and then go off and enjoy your evening.

He won't even be watching the hockey, probably sat in the car listening to the radio or in the nearest pub...

lottiegarbanzo · 09/11/2012 17:52

Btw did he actually ask ex to take the girls to hockey this week, or did it slip his mind to address the issue at all?

DontmindifIdo · 09/11/2012 17:55

OP - your DD is also his DD's sister - what would he do if his eldest DSD1 said she didn't want DSD2 to come along on contact time so she could have alone time? Would he shrug and accept it or do you think he'd tell her to stop being silly?

All 3 are his DDs, not just 2. He should take the 8 month old with him, if he doesn't, you need to have some very strong words about the fact he is equally responsible for your DD, not just you and he "looks after her" as a favour. You are going out, you both agreed you were going out tonight, the childcare for his third child is his responsibility (and he can take her with him).

lottiegarbanzo · 09/11/2012 17:55

Oh right, sorry, from OP he forgot it was his turn. He needs to write things in his diary! Simple!