How much childcare/housework is reasonable to expect a SAH parent to do?

[addendumm]

Am getting really annoyed with DH who SAH and looks after DS 4 days a week while I work. He doesnt have a job at the moment.

How much housework is reasonable to get done during the day with a 1 year old who naps for 2 hours?

When the working parent is home how much time should they reasonably be expected to care for the child while the SAH parent has a break?

I would be interested to hear how others divide these responsibilities so I can work out if Im being unreasonable.

[janey68]

Agree completely with that last post. Anyone who thinks basic housework, shopping and laundry is a full time job must be barking. It's really quite possible these days to combine running a house and doing the day to day stuff with looking after children.

I found it far easier to fit in these type of jobs while I was on maternity leave than when I returned to work and we were both out of the house from 7.30 am, so I would have felt a right fraud expecting dh to do it while he was the only one working.

[bakingaddict]

He needs to be doing more.....if he cant get it done in the day with your DS then HE needs to get it done alone at weekends. Go out for a few hours on a Sat morning with your DS, visit your mum, go the shops, for a coffee etc on the understanding that the house will be gleaming and laundry done on your return. Once he gets himself into a routine, then hopefully he'll do it automatically but if your're around he'll expect you to help

Stop getting up at 5.30am to look after your DS or at least take it in turns so you get some rest

Sit down together and do some meal planning so he knows what to cook for you....you cant exist on toast after being at work all day and BF, that just isn't on. Suggest he cooks weekdays and you cook weekends. I do it for a month at a time and it's a god send, stops me peering aimlessly into the cupboards wondering what the hell to cook but maybe you can start off just doing it a week at a time

Hopefully he just needs organising into some kind of routine and not that he's a lazy arse

[Daddelion]

I'd ask him to write down, without any fear of criticism, a completely honest appraisal of how things are going.

Do you think perhaps you've changed?

Ime the first year of a child's life can be bonkers and a total shock to the system.

And I assume you had maternity leave? So has he been doing this for 6 months?

But it doesn't sound like either of you are happy, so something has to change.

[AThingInYourLife]

"It's really quite possible these days to combine running a house and doing the day to day stuff with looking after children."

It's also possible to combine them with going out to work.

It's basic sexism that dictates that "the person at home" should do housework as well as childcare, when the "person at home" is almost always a woman.

Reversing the genders and insisting that the odd man at home should be managed by his wife who is his boss by virtue of having a job does not rectify that unfairness.

Why should I now do more housework than I did when I was working?

I'm every bit as busy, more tired, and DH has the same capabilities that he ever had.

The problem here is another symptom of the same "women's work" problem so many on this thread buy into - he is just hding the fort until the woman comes home and then passing everything to her so he can rest.

They should both do equal work when they are both home.

That's the pisstake.

"He needs to be doing more.....if he cant get it done in the day with your DS then HE needs to get it done alone at weekends."



If my husband took that high-handed tone with me I would consider him abusive.

Just because this man lost his job does not mean all the housework and childcare became his job.

[janey68]

It's not sexism - it makes no difference who stays at home, dad or mum. And yes- of course it's perfectly possible to combine housework with working- many of us do- but in the situation where one parent isn't actually working, it's far more sensible for them to take on the jobs which can be combined more easily with being a SAHP. When I was on maternity leave it was far easier for me to stick on a load of laundry or chop vegetables for dinner than it was for my dh to do it from his office 20 miles away!

It's simply about common sense and dividing things up in a reasonable way. I do think sometimes (as in the case with the OPs husband) the SAHP tries to make out being at home is all consuming and incredibly difficult and that therefore they can't be expected to do anything ! Yes it can be tiring, yes it can be demanding when you've got several preschoolers, yes it can be isolating- but it does not render most people incapable of doing a reasonable share of the domestic chores

[expatinscotland]

#I have to say that I would not accept anyone telling me what they "expected" me to get done during the day when I am looking after my children.

My husband is not my boss and I would not take kindly to any attempt to manage me as though he were.

When you are both at home you need to split childcare and chores, but when you are out of the house and he is looking after your children you don't get to manage his time.'

I agree, no one should have to tell you what is expected, because anyone with a self-respecting partner who has respect for his/her partner would not need to be told that, WTF?, wipe up after preparing food?! That's just fucking lazy to expect someone to basically wipe your arse. Who did all his/her laundry before they hooked up?

Or, 'Gees, my partner gets ups every day at 5.30 AM with our child. That's not really fair for me not to do my share.'

And 3 days of no childcare at all?

Bottom line is that it sounds like this person doesn't even enjoy being a SAHP.

I'd bring that up, OP, because it might make for a happier family if you both work, DS goes to a minder and you hire a cleaner.

[AThingInYourLife]

A reasonable share of the domestic chores is half.

Why should that increase because I am "at home"?

What if I work from home?

It would still be easier for me to chop vegetables, but I wouldn't because I would be too busy.

The same applies if I am busy looking after my children.

And of course it's sexism that says that it's more convenient for women to do the lion's share of domestic work.

A lazy "reverse the genders" doesn't change that at all.

[AThingInYourLife]

I agree that this guy is totally taking the piss, expat.

But telling his wife she is his boss now and should manage him accordingly will just lead to divorce.

And he'll get the kids.

[LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops]

You are getting a raw deal OP...it's completely not right and I know I'll get flamed but I just end up doing it all incl decorating and garden, it's really hard, but I am much, much tidier and cleaner than DH and I can't bear having to constantly ask him to do things. We both work full time.

[PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA]

He gets 2 hours during the day and 3 hours in the evening and 3 days of leisure time? Mmm. I think nap times are for re-charging batteries, I only did one easy chore during nap time as I needed a cuppa and crap tele as a respite from chasing after a full on active baby/toddler. Evenings were all hands on deck (I cooked and DP played with DS). DP and I negotiated our leisure time, we still do. I only go out for a few hours at a time but DP's hobby means that he can be out all day. It works for us.

I would try to sort your leisure time out so you have time on a regular basis to do what you want, away from DC. And can your DH compromise a little in the evenings? Eg. Bathing and bedtime story while you do chores so that there is nothing to do after DS is asleep?

[Proudnscary]

I work FT, dh is SAH.

Of course the SAH shouldn't be expected to do everything!!!! Looking after a house and kids is harder than going out to work imvho, and I have a very stressful, 'big' job!!

He does lionshare of cooking/tidying and house is always clean and tidy.

When I come home from work I take over everything - finish any clearing up, books/bath/bed.

On the weekends I clean bathrooms etc.

We both very much appreciate what the other does and are extremely respectful about that. We both have nights off, nights out, lie ins (well he does - I don't!).

[Proudnscary]

Or as AThing says far more succintly than my above post:

They should both do equal work when they are both home

[janey68]

"what if I work from home?"

If someone is paying you to work from home, then obviously no, you can't do the housework (or look after children come to that!) because you're contracted to be doing something else. It's ridiculous to compare someone who is employed to be doing a job (which simply happens to be located at home) with someone who is a SAHP. A SAHP has the flexibility to manage their own time. If someone can't manage their time well enough to stick a load of laundry on, hang it out to dry and chop up a few veg for dinner, and they seriously leave those jobs on the basis that the working partner should do exactly 50% of household chores, then they are either taking the piss, or perhaps deeply depressed at home, and it's surfacing in this manner.

I worked 3 days a week when my children were small. The 50/50 division of housework/ night wakings occurred on the days we both worked. Quite frankly, the days I didn't work it was far easier for me to fit these things into my day so I did them. What I really don't understand is why a minority of SAHP seem to feel they have to exaggerate how demanding the job is to the extent of literally saying they are too busy to put the washing on etc! I don't know whether it's looking for validation or whatever, but it's sad to feel that they need to do that.

[LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops]

I agree Janey...very well said.

[bakingaddict]

It's not being high handed or abusive it's about trying to achieve a balance so each part of the couple feel they have some 'down time' and relaxation.

In an ideal world or relationship there would be a fair division in matters of housework and childcare but so often the inequality and burden falls to women. In recent years 'having it all' has suddenly become 'doing it all'.

I dont believe that any SAHP, regardless of gender, should shoulder the bulk of housework and childcare but going by what the OP states, hers seems to be a household with an unequal division of labour. If somebody only has 15mins per day of relaxation or winding down time then something is going badly wrong

[expatinscotland]

'He does lionshare of cooking/tidying and house is always clean and tidy.'

This person doesn't even clean up after himself when he prepares food.

The cooking thing is a red herring, too. It's not hard to learn to do. My husband is a fussy eater. So, duh, I found out what he didn't like to eat and then didn't cook it. 'Take a long time to prepare.'

Look, OP, your partner is lazy and/or doesn't want to be at home. The pair of you need to get to the bottom of which it is - might be both - and move forward because this set up is not on. And yeah, I'd show him this thread or at least what your schedule looks like as opposed to his.

[AThingInYourLife]

"A SAHP has the flexibility to manage their own time."

So does someone who works for themselves.

So should they be doing all the grunt work since they are flexible, or should both partners pull their weight?

Or is it really the earning of money that gives a person the status in a relationship not to be left with all the drudgery?

I'm not depressed, lazy or resentful.

When DH and I both worked full time we outsourced childcare.

I have taken that on, which saves us a fuck of a load of money with 3 children.

But I did not, and would not, agree to doing all the housework.

I do what suits me while I'm in the house, but it is no more my responsibility or my priority than it was when I was working.

If we had previously hired a housekeeper and I had agreed to take on her (and you know it would be a her) work then the deal would be that I was the person who did most of the cleaning.

[marriedinwhite]

I had 8 years off. I did all the childcare and all the domestic stuff although I did have a cleaner but only for four hours a week in a large house so she only really managed floors, dusting, bathrooms, and a bit of paintwork, etc..

I did all the jobs when DS1 was asleep and thought that the childcare bit was leisure time tbh. It was tougher when dd came along but I was very happy and knew better what I was doing to be honest.

Ultimately I was doing exactly what I had always wanted to do and therein lies the rub in your situation I think. I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest. DH used to take DS out for an afternoon at the weekends when he could to give me a break but often he would have been working.

Sorry it's tough.

[LingDiLong]

I have nothing to add except a standing ovation for 'AThing'. What she said basically. I'm a childminder so I work from home looking after children. I don't do any housework during this time except to clear away dishes after each meal and tidy away toys/craft stuff. As a SAHM I felt my job was the same. I DID do housework as well but that was my choice rather than an expectation by DH. I didn't automatically sign up to the drudgery of ALL the housework by dint of taking on the childcare.

[janey68]

Nope, it's nothing to do with who earns the money. It's simple common sense and practicalities. Most people who don't have the responsibility of paid work find it easier to fit more (not all) of the housework and other domestic stuff into their day than their working partner. It's as simple as that. Housework and laundry these days isn't arduous. If you are preparing lunch for your children as a SAHP, then it really doesn't seem that hard to wipe the kitchen surfaces and stack the dishwasher/ wash up as you go along. I would see it as very passive aggressive behaviour to deliberately leave those jobs for your partner to do after work, simply as some sort of statement of 'everything has to be shared 50/50'

Likewise with things like popping to the shops for milk or bread. On my days at home I would always factor in a walk with the children and could do those things then. I would have felt ridiculous thinking 'I must not check the fridge and pop out for milk- I must make my partner do it'

And as for laundry- well, why on earth wouldnt the partner who is home stick the washing in, switch the machine on and take it out afterwards?

No one has said the SAHP should do all ALL the housework and get no relaxation time to themself. Just that if one partner is home, it's entirely reasonable for them to do more of the domestic stuff because it's easier to combine with being at home than it is with being at work.

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

At 1 I don't think I had much hope of keeping the place tidy! But it was always cleaned between naps and dinner cooked. But I was out with my little boy most days. I'd take him out after lunch wear him out then tidy up.

At 2 though its a different story now he can occupy himself I'm pretty much on top of it, and do literally everything. All tidying, washing, cooking, cleaning, any physical DIY, admin i can do. Not to mention child care.
But I should moan at o/h to do more but his job is incredibly stressful so I don't expect a lot when he gets in at 7/8

[janey68]

Lingdidong- being a childminder is not the same as being a SAHP. You are employed to provide a service to other parents, And have expectation and demands on you over and above someone who is just looking after their own children. For a start, last time I looked, parents don't have to fill in daily records for their own children!

[AThingInYourLife]

"Nope, it's nothing to do with who earns the money. It's simple common sense and practicalities. Most people who don't have the responsibility of paid work find it easier to fit more (not all) of the housework and other domestic stuff into their day than their working partner."



That is completely contradictory.

When you have a coherent argument, come back to me.

[Arisbottle]

It is absolutely nothing to do with sexism, it is a about practicality . Something is wrong if it takes you all day to do your day to day housework. Not the deep cleans that need doing but the day to day chores. It is easier because you are at home and children don't need entertaining 24 hours a day. I would put my children in a sling and start when they were babies. I always had everything done by lunchtime and then we were free to do as we wish.

My DH works from home every now and again, and he will often nip down to put a wash on or have a quick Hoover because he is in the house so it is convenient.

Obviously it depends on the job but I found being a SAHM a complete doddle compared to working.