How much childcare/housework is reasonable to expect a SAH parent to do?

[addendumm]

Am getting really annoyed with DH who SAH and looks after DS 4 days a week while I work. He doesnt have a job at the moment.

How much housework is reasonable to get done during the day with a 1 year old who naps for 2 hours?

When the working parent is home how much time should they reasonably be expected to care for the child while the SAH parent has a break?

I would be interested to hear how others divide these responsibilities so I can work out if Im being unreasonable.

[janey68]

When I was home on maternity leave, I used to do most of the housework. Realistically this doesn't need to take hours and hours every day. Laundry is really easy these days, stick clothes in, hang them out, fold and put away (ironing is practically non existent in this house) I usually managed to whip the hoover round once a week, and wiping round kitchen surfaces/bathroom would be done daily. When my children napped, I used to get quite a bit done, but tbh even after they stopped napping it was quite possible to do a reasonable amount. I also prepared and cooked the evening meal, and then DH would do bath time.

I returned to work 3 days a week and then more of less split housework to reflect that. On nights when I'd be home the next day, I'd also do any night wakings, though if we both had to get up for work in the morning we'd take turns. I returned to work full time when youngest was 4, and from then on it's been an equal split

I think its entirely reasonable that if there is one SAHP they do the bulk of domestic stuff, simply because caring for babies or young children is not an absolutely full on job where you can't possibly do anything else. Even a crying baby can be put down for a few minutes while you wash up, stick laundry on or do an online shopping list, and toddlers can 'help' with sweeping the floor etc. One of my kids was a fractious baby so I know it's not all roses, but I still think that if you have a good basic routine you can keep the house in a reasonable state. I would not be impressed if my other half had been a SAHD while I worked, and he still expected me to do half the housework.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

I would agree with Janey. When I was a SAHM I did all the house work, laundry ironing, finances, from day one and dealt with night wakenings. We each had "time off" at the weekend and when they were babies he did night duty one night at the weekend.

I was pretty organised and the kids were in a pretty good routine from day one so I did not find it that hard.

Once I went back to pt work I hired a cleaner.

[HandbagCrab]

Disclaimer I have a cleaner for two hours a week. Dh full time, me 0.6, 1 ds, 1 cat.

On the days I work the only housework is filling and emptying the dishwasher, sterilising bottles, making lunches and tea, putting day to day things away.

On the days I don't work we do laundry, bits of admin (there's not that much), put non day to day stuff away, do bits and bobs of cleaning, buy odd bits of shopping.

In 2012 there is no reason why someone should spend most of their leisure time on housework. Me and dh split down the middle most days. I'd say we do an hour a day each of running the house and essential childcare and I do more on the days I look after ds on my own. Yanbu to expect your dh to do more. You are doing too much :)

[janey68]

Handbag- I completely agree about no one needing to devote their life to housework in 2012. Domestic chores take a fraction of the time they used to. I can quite see that in the days when clothes and sheets had to be hand washed, put through the mangle; carpets had to be swept or brushed with a carpet sweeper, shopping had to be done on foot trailing round numerous small shops and cooking had to be done completely from scratch, it was far more onerous. It's so much easier these days and I think it's downright taking the piss if you're at home all day to expect your partner to do half the chores

[CharlotteBronteSaurus]

when dd2 was one, she'd nap for two hours. i would put my feet up for 30 mins, as i would expect DH to do in his lunch break at work, then get some stuff done in the remaining time.

the sit-down always came first though, in case of early awakening. if she didn't nap, not much got done. the minimum was a load of laundry washed and hung, dinner cooked, packed lunches made. if she napped, then I'd tidy, hoover, and clean wherever it was needed.

when DH got home we'd both muck in with bath/bed/cooking/cleaning, and sit down together with a brew when everything was done.

[AThingInYourLife]

"I think it's downright taking the piss if you're at home all day to expect your partner to do half the chores"

Who the fuck is "at home all day"? Most SAHMs I know don't spend all day in the house.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment, which I am using to look after my children.

Not to clean the house.

My husband hasn't lost the use of his arms and legs, so he can do the same amount of housework as when I was working.

I think looking after a 1 year old all day is pretty full on.

I don't get (well I do really, it's the lazy man thing again, isn't it?) why 100% of childcare falls to his wife on the days she's not at work.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

AThing - the OP isn't really talking about housework though, just living. Washing up, bunging a wash on. I don't class those things as housework.

[AThingInYourLife]

I don't do those things during the day at present. I have too much going on.

To my mind the issue here is that this guy gets 3 days off per week and the OP gets 0.

Because she is a woman.

[Arisbottle]

When I was a Sahm I did all the housework. With modern appliances nothing takes that long. I didn't want my husband to be doing it after a long day at work and I didn't want it to take up all the weekend either . At the weekend we just shared whatever needed doing, e.g loading dishwasher and washing uniforms .

[AThingInYourLife]

Well my husband doesn't want me doing it during a long day working looking after our children.

As I say, he never found housework a problem after work when I was working, so it's no skin off his nose to keep doing it.

[Mollydoggerson]

I am at home and I:

DH gets my 2 preschoolers up and I get them dressed each morning.
I Clean kitchen and put on x 2 washes
Hang out clothes and occassionally fold some
Give the downstairs of the house a quick clean.

I do the grocery shopping once per week.
I do one other big job once a week - clear out one room/defrost fridge

In the evening, we sorta share childcare from 6-7 ish and then dh will often give them a bath and put them to bed.

Weekends are pretty 70/30. I do more.

But I most say things have improved, in that I found it really hard to get anything done when mine were smaller.

I genuinely felt that dh's commute and lunch breaks were breaks that I didn't get.

I think sahp are entitled to lunch breaks too, so he should be allowed to have some down time when baby is sleeping.

[blackeyedsusan]

surfaces should be wiped as he goes. washing could be put in at the start of nap, even if not hung up til later. if you have a dishwasher, he could pop the things into it while dc eats. the mess should be swept up after food as part of looking after dc...

however, you should not expect a lot more than that or a tidy house when coming home as 1 year olds are very full on and make a hell of a mess.

you both need down time after work. he has been working all day too. you both need to pitch in with stuff when you are both home. when h as home he did the children, I cooked as a change from the children... onions and carots do not chat incessantly... or wee or poo on the floor.

[MsPickle]

Aside from the housework, where I agree with others that he is not pulling his weight at all the bit I really don't get is why you're doing the 5.30 am shift on days you work?! I'd accept very limited chores if he needed to catch a few zzzzs to stay sane (and having had ds1 who did not sleep/only napped for 20 mins on me for months and months I think in that scenario you have to balance chores and sanity) but when do you get to "catch up"? I'm just starting annual leave prior to mat leave with a 3 yr old. My dh works mon-fri hard and long days. But he pitches in (with prodding on occasion, he's far from perfect but then neither am I!). I've been working 3 days plus dealing with done work things on days off so do the lions share as I'm at home more. But me and ds have both had a gastric bug, dh was at home on Wednesday as it wasn't a childcare day and I wasn't well enough to look after ds. He cooked, did laundry etc and worked around spending time with ds. Today I napped with ds thus morning as he was poorly again, then we popped to the shop (calpol, wonder drug) and have mixed playing with 'survival housework' this afternoon. I cook more than dh as I'm here earlier but he washes up/dishwasher when I do. In a nutshell it's about teamwork. And if I feel he's taking the piss I tell him (there was one memorable conversation when he asked whether a pair of jeans had 'come through the wash yet' having not loaded the machine in about 4 weeks...). Whatever the right balance is in your family you've not found it yet. It's hard but I think worth continuing up figure it out else resentment builds DVD that's crap.

[zlist]

During the day I would expect him to manage keeping on top of all, what I call, level 1 tasks (putting dishes straight into dishwasher/small amounts of washing up as they appear/emptying bin/keeping on top of laundry (not ironing)/putting things back in their correct place several times a day/wiping kitchen surfaces etc). If there is nap time I would also expect some level 2 (swish and swipe/spot clean/basic level cleaning/easy admin/daily ironing) done most days and possibly some level 3 every other day (deeper cleaning e.g. properly clean kitchen floor) or so. I wouldn't expect any level 4 done (very deep cleaning - pulling out furniture/cleaning carpets/full de-clutter of cupboards).
I used to have full-days off when DS was little and that is the kind of thing I would expect myself to achieve on those days in addition to going out a lot and spending plenty of time with him. It did take some adjustment though - I came to realise that the only way to keep on top of it was to make it almost continuous in tiny little burst - soon becomes an easy habit.

[Mollydoggerson]

Yes I agree, it is all about habit and it takes a while to get into it. You can be demotivated when/if you have a baby who has a habit of being with you/sleeping on you all the time. Your other half probably needs a better routine, but will most likely havve a cats bum face if you say that to him.

Also houses are only easily cleaned if there is enough storage space and if they are organised at the outset.

I used to think whatever cleaning I did was unnoticeable as the house was in a constant state of 'renovation' for a while.

I find regular decluttering is a great maintenance cleaning motivator.iykwim

[jumpingjane]

I think the SAHP should be able to keep on top of basic housework, particularly in this case as there is only one DC who naps for 2 hours. I think it would be v reasonable to expect your DH to do the laundry, washing up, keeping the house generally clean and tidy (i.e. basic clean of the bathrooms, living areas). Also, DH should do the shopping and most of the admin tasks. In the evening/weekends, you can both do more thorough cleaning- dusting, pulling out of furniture, etc.

Apart from the housework question, he is totally taking advantage of you in general. Why does he expect to have 3 days off per week plus his evenings free and 2 hours downtime during the day? Why do you think that it is acceptable for him to have all this free time and you to have none? You are absolutely not being unreasonable and you really need to talk to him.

[FutureNannyOgg]

I'm pretty laid back with the housework, but I usually manage to put washing on (and move everything along in the cycle, so a hang and put away load too), cook dinner,wash up, feed the cats and rabbits and maintain tidyness (i.e. tidy the mess we make) whilst caring for a 2yo who doesn't nap and a 3mo. On a good day I will also have done a couple of houseworky things, like pop the hoover round, change the sheets, or we might have gone out to a group and done the grocery shopping on the way back.
DH probably does less than his fair share, he does bins, puts away his own laundry (in theory) and irons his shirts. On his days off he will usually cook dinner and he will take DS1 out for half a day so I get to "rest" with only the little one to look after. If he is around at bedtime he puts DS1 to bed.
I know a 1yo can be quite time consuming, but I, for instance, clean the bathroom while my toddler is splashing in the bath, do the washing up while he is finishing his lunch (if baby is happy in the bouncer, I recently discovered that putting him in front of the washing machine to watch the laundry helps). 2 hours of child free time in the middle of the day would be amazing, I would probably split it half and half between housework and productive time for me (doing crafts, yoga practice etc, something that made me feel accomplished, I feel crap if I have a chunk of time and waste it as time alone is so damn precious).

[whois]

Your DH is lazy.

Child care in the evening 50:50.
Leisure time 50:50

During the day he should be MORE than capable of doing loads of washing, dishwasher, wiping down surfaces.

In 2h nap he should have some rest, then spend an hour doing something like putting away washing, mopping floor.

Heavy cleaning should be split 50:50

Sounds like he is a bit useless. Might be better or everyone if he got a job and you paid for some child care as if he's not enjoying it that's not good for your kid either.

[letseatgrandma]

What is your DH doing on the three days you don't work?

He sounds like a lazy arse!

Did he used to work?

[Snog]

Just ask your dh what he thinks is really fair. This should solve the whole thing.
Ask him how many hours childcare each of you should do and ditto for housework.

[addendumm]

Yes alibababa that is exactly how our day looks. Thank you for the summary, I will be sharing it with dh.

zlist that is a very helpful categorisation of chores I will be sharing that as well. Your level one and 2 is all I expect to be honest as I know ds is hard work ( I do look after him 3 days a week myself as well).

I'm am so pissed with him as even the basics like tidying up after preparing ds breakfast and wiping down surfaces is being left for us both to do after ds is in bed.

Anyway we had a 'discussion' with me ranting, which never happens to be honest and I think he realises he is being a lazy ass.

We have done a list of chores similar to zlist's level 1 and 2 for him to do each day. And he will set aside the first half an hour of ds's nap to get these done.

We have also a list of chores like zlist's level 3 to do on weekends. Im not sure when we'll get around to level 4 chores though.

Someone asked about dinner and no he doesn't cook it for us in the evenings after I work when Im looking after ds. He'll usually go out and grab some takeaway, but I dont eat takeaway. He says I am too fussy and he never knows what to make which is sort of true, but not really. I like simple plain foods like salads, rice with vegies, salmon and vegies but he says they take a long time to prepare. I said Id be happy with a piece of cooked frozen salmon and some rice with frozen peas and corn added to it! His idea of cooking dinner is putting a steak in the oven, so because he knows Im not a fan of this he doesnt usually bother (though to be honest when he does cook like this I do eat it as Im starving!).

On weekends we usually prepare something together.

This no-dinner situation has made me even more angry as I am still breastfeeding ds and most evenings after ds is in bed I'm too tired to fix myself something I have to grab some fruit or toast which isn't really nutritious for someone who is breastfeeding. I make ds dinners up on the weekends and then freeze so he always have something. (There is no room in the freezer for big batches of dinner if someone suggests this though).

I am so angry with him, feel like running him to be with my mum

[Snog]

I think the solution can't be one imposed by you, it needs to be developed together.otherwise you are parenting dh which both of you will resent.

if you like eating salmon, this is a quick meal that takes 35 mins to make. You could cook this after work if dh minded ds or vice versa

If dh likes takeaways then have one once a week and find one that you like too.

Both dp and I work full time and we have a repertoire of easy healthy meals, but in fairness it took us a while to develop this.

Does your dh really want to be at home with ds? Is it time for him to go back to work?
Parenting is hard imo but if you can't work together then really why stay together?

[ENormaSnob]

I did all childcare and cleaning when on mat leave.

Dh did all childcare and cleaning whilst out of work briefly.

Your husband is being very unreasonable IMO.

[AThingInYourLife]

I have to say that I would not accept anyone telling me what they "expected" me to get done during the day when I am looking after my children.

My husband is not my boss and I would not take kindly to any attempt to manage me as though he were.

When you are both at home you need to split childcare and chores, but when you are out of the house and he is looking after your children you don't get to manage his time.

[grobagsforever]

OP I think you know how badly your DP is taking the piss. How on earth has he manipulated you into this situation? I'm shocked to be honest. I hope you can resolve it. He needs to take turns doing the early mornings and also bedtimes. He should get basic housework done. And everything should be fifty fifty on your non work days. I'm fuming on your behalf.