How much childcare/housework is reasonable to expect a SAH parent to do?

[addendumm]

Am getting really annoyed with DH who SAH and looks after DS 4 days a week while I work. He doesnt have a job at the moment.

How much housework is reasonable to get done during the day with a 1 year old who naps for 2 hours?

When the working parent is home how much time should they reasonably be expected to care for the child while the SAH parent has a break?

I would be interested to hear how others divide these responsibilities so I can work out if Im being unreasonable.

[midseasonsale]

I think it depends on the 1 year old. I couldn't get much done with my second but my third is easy.

Generally though, I would aim to split the day. Do two hours of jobs, have an hour to lounge and check emails, have a few hours out and about doing baby orientated things (picnics, park, swimming, groups, friends houses etc).

Once DH is home, it's 50/50.

[andallthatjargon]

I have a 2yo, 6yo and 7yo, OH gets them dressed and does breakfast then goes off to work, I do school runs, shopping, cleaning, washing, all other housework, 2yo is in no form of childcare until after Easter.

Doing it evenings is not an option as I work four evenings a week.

I do feel hard done by and he says 'I only work part time'.

I wish he would realise looking after three children IS a full time job.

Why did we fight for equal rights all those years ago when we still end up not only doing everything in the home but working as well????

[FruitSaladIsNotPudding]

I'd expect the SAH parent to do most of the housework. Obviously depends how big your house is but I don't struggle to keep on top of a 3 bed (am SAHM.)

Weekends and evenings I'd say childcare should be 50/50 ish and that you both muck in until jobs are done. But I wouldn't leave loads until the weekend - you can get loads done in 2 hours a day. And that's assuming he can do nothing when child is awake, which is unlikely.

I am by no means working myself to the bone looking after house and 1 toddler, put it that way! Obviously different if you have more than 1, or a very young baby etc.

[JoshLyman]

I have a 3.5 yr old and a 21 month old. I'm a SAHM, DH works. I see all cleaning, food shopping and laundry as my responsibility. When DH is home (evening & weekends) all childcare, cooking and tidying up after ourselves is 50/50.

[midseasonsale]

I also must add that in addition to the two hours I also cook everyday.

Can I recommend that he does his horrid 2 hours of jobs in the morning, then does the nice things after.

What does your DH say about it?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

OP - so your day looks like this.

5.30 - 7.30 - Look after DS
7.30 - 5.30 - Work outside the home
5.30 - 8 - Look after DS
8 - ? shared chores with your DH

You are in effect working a 16+ hour day.

His day is 7.30 - 5.30 - Look after DS (with a 2 hour break in the middle)
5.30 - 8 - Relax/leisure time
8 - 10 - shared chores with you.

Your DH is working a 10 hour day, with a 2 hour lunch break.

So he gets masses of leisure time, plus more sleep. And he gets 3 days off a week while you get no days off a week.

He is taking the piss out of you my love. Hugely.

[Almostfifty]

I did all the housework during the day when mine were small, and cooked dinner. When OH came home from work we had dinner as a family, did bath time, stories and bed together, then cleared up the kitchen when they were all in bed.

I would ask posters saying they can't do it when their child is awake when your children use their imagination and play alone if they take all this looking after. Mine used to spend hours playing, and if they wanted to be clingy they were handed a duster to help.

I didn't spend all day every day cleaning, but certainly had a clean and tidy house and plenty of time to play with my children.

[therewearethen]

I do everything in our house although DP may disagree I'm a SAHM with a 4yr old in school and I'm 6 months pregnant with number 2. I've been a SAHM since DD was born and always managed to keep the house tidy/clean even when she was younger and at home full time. I like to have dinner sorted for when DP gets in as he's been on his feet all day in work, but I'd be lying if I said I don't get a bit annoyed at the weekends when DP gets up with DD and sorts her breakfast etc out but then sits down drinking coffee all morning because it's me that has to do the dishes, clean the kitchen, hoover etc etc but I have to remind myself that he's been in work all week and probably deserves the rest more than I do!

In your situation OP I would expect the house clean and tidy when I got in from work and dinner to but I'm a bit OCD and have high expectations! I may have had an 'easy' 1 yr old but even from newborn I managed to keep on top of things and doing some dishes and making sure the kitchen is hygienic is an essential to me. Could you have a quite word with him and say you'd like a bit more done for when you get home. Hopefully a gentle nudge may improve things, failing that arrange interviews for cleaners and hope he gets the message!

[ioness]

We just do what we feel like really. When i used to work 12 hour days at the weekend, I'd come home to find absolutely zero done in terms of housework - not even basic tidying or washing up.

It was irritating. But my dh now expects nothing when he comes home which is great. I do work part-time. But generally all I'll get done is tidying the floors, washing up, making meals. Put on maybe one wash. We do the dusting and hoovering together at the weekends plus any additional washing.

I think it can be very tiring if you have a baby and an active toddler. And that any sleep opportunities should be taken whilst they're there. A tip my MIL gave me was to rest when you can, then involve your toddler with the tidying up.

But no, I wouldn't expect a SAHP to do absolutely everything. It can be exhausting looking after dc.

[PeppermintPasty]

I think Alibaba sums it up nicely.

And Abrico...I'm not sure whether to be in awe or laugh!!

[shelley72]

before becoming a SAHM i had visions of having a perfectly tidy house, dinner prepared (from scratch) every night, meals planned shopping ordered etc etc. this would all be fine but for one thing - my children .

they seem to be able to untidy much faster than i can tidy, make more washing and mess than i ever thought possible. DD aged 2 (who is at home with me all day) does not nap unless on me climbs on everything as soon as your back is turned so cant really be left unsupervised. we are also out at a lot of groups every week so never get a full week at home - but im figuring social interaction for her (and me for that matter) is more important than housework. luckily DH agrees. so just the basics get done during the week - washing/ironing/dishwashing/dinner/quick hoover/school admin/ferrying to appointments. everything else gets left for weekend once DH is home when it is easier. i would love a napping child though - would get loads done. i dream of a tidy house. one day!

[AThingInYourLife]

"I also look after DS by myslef for the 3 days I dont work"

That's bullshit.

Why on earth should he have 3 rest days when you have both been working equally hard the other 4?

You know that if he was out working and you were at home he'd still take the other days off childcare since it would be "your job".

This is him exercising his man's perspective to take all the leisure time, even though he is not earning.

[AThingInYourLife]

man's prerogative

[PekkaBoo]

I wonder if I am married to you OP... I stay at home with our 8 month old and I only get the shopping and one load of laundry done. That's all. DS is very clingy when awake and when he naps, the slightest sound will wake him up. I am tired as DS has never slept through the night and I do all the night feeds. The tiredness makes me move and think slower. I'm sure DH resents the messy house, this thread makes me so sad.

[AThingInYourLife]

Pekka - do you put your feet up all weekend and expect your DH to do the childcare alone?

No, thought not.

[tiredfeet]

actually, I need to revise my previous post. DS must be ill or something as he has just had a two hour nap for the first time in ages, I had forgotten how much housework can be done in that time whilst still leaving plenty of 'me time'...

pekka pretty sure I didn't manage much more than that at that stage! 8 months is very young still, it gets easier as they get older (and you and they sleep more). use nap time to get a rest for you! you need it! It will get easier as they get older, by the time ds (similarly clingy at that age) was 1 he used to love helping me load and unload the washing machine etc (and he still does). I used to feel a bit embarrassed by the state of our house when ds was young and an atrocious sleeper, but now my only regret is that I spent any time worrying about the state of the house when he was so small!

[RainbowsFriend]

I work part time, and on my day off and 3 afternoons off all I manage to do is the laundry, washing up, and cook dinner.

But then my 16 month old doesn't really nap unless it's on me or in the car

The house gets cleaned on a weekend when DP takes DD out for a bike ride (she cries at the vacuum cleaner despite me using it when she was a baby to acclimatise her to it, and trying to mop floors means she falls over more. Tidying up? Forget it!)

[foreverondiet]

Ok, as he isn't working out of choice then I think that its only fair that he does his fair of the housework and you shouldn't feel frustrated with the situation - otherwise you need to accept that its not working and that he should get a job and your DS should go to nursery and get a cleaner.

re: the nap time - reasonable to put on washing/ tumble dryer, empty dishwasher, wipe down surfaces and cook / clean up after your DS's meals. Although unrealistic to expect more. Also if you look after your DS when you get home from work then he should be helping cleaning then. Reasonable to have one hour of own time in the day (ie lunch break) though.

Both should have the same amount of leisure time when you are not at work though, current situation doesn't sound fair.

[RainbowsFriend]

Pekka - DD is still to sleep through the night and wakes 5-6 times a night normally so I know where you are coming from. Re the clinginess the thing that saved my sanity was learning to carry her on my back in a sling so I could have some "head space" from her, get on with some things, all while she was still being carried so was happy.

I can't remember actually having any "me time" since DD was born :(

I am currently able to type this as I am being neglectful and have stuck cBeebies on to give me a break!

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Pekka - but are you getting 3 hours of leisure time when your DH gets home from work?
You are managing to do the shopping and a load of laundry a day, which is more than the OP's husband.

Also - the OP is the one getting up with her child at 5.30am while her DH gets a good night's sleep, so your situation is not comparable at all.

[RatherBeACyborg]

I suppose it depends on how long they are in the house and what the toddler is like.

I have DD2 (2yo) at home and try and do a room a day in terms of proper cleaning. However some days we are out lots, some days I am too tired as she doesn't nap and wakes (me) up in the night. But bare minimum I will get dishes done, a load of laundry on, general pick up of all the random shit that gets scattered on the floor and a meal cooked. So even if it doesn't look loads it also doesn't look like a shithole. Mostly because if I came home after doing a days work and dishes were in the sink, laundry not done I'd have a right bitchfit.

And then evenings and weekends everything else is shared in terms of cooking/cleaning/childcare.

[Chandon]

The idea that a SAHP should do a certain number of hours to me is ridiculous and I am glad I am nt in a partnership like that.

To me a SAHP could be expected to keep the house reasonably tidy and clean most days, have food in the house and cook ( doesn't have to be gourmet), and mainly: look after the kids.

With a bit of mutual respect and help and cutting eachother some slack here and there.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Chandon - agreed, but you can understand why the OP is clock watching when the balance of free time and rest is so heavily skewed against her.

I'm a SAHM, DH is out of the house 6am-7pm most days but works pretty regular hours so it is unusual for him to be away overnight or working at the weekend. We have a cleaner who also does the ironing, and 2 DSs - a 4 year old in reception and a 19 month old.

I keep the house clean and tidy on a daily basis, do the laundry, most of the household admin and organise everything relating to the DCs during the week.
When DH comes home we share bath and bedtime, and then any remaining chores before sitting down to relax.
If he is home a bit early and I've had a bad day with the toddler then he will take them and do bath time while I have 15 minutes peace and a cup of tea before I go up and pitch in again with teeth/stories etc. I certainly wouldn't expect DH to walk in the door and take over completely with the boys while I sat on my arse for 3 hours or buggered off to the gym or the pub.

[Chandon]

No, that's fair, that is what I mean with cutting eachther some slack.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

:)