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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL not coming to our overseas wedding

73 replies

GettingMarriedAbroad · 09/11/2012 09:27

I'm sure many already feel I am unreasonable but please bear with me while I try to explain...

DP and I are getting married next year and the wedding will be on the other side of the world. I am from this other country and all my family live there. So...wherever we chose to get married would have involved international travel for one half of the family if we were to have everyone together. We chose my country as we live in the UK and get to see DP's family more often. We felt this was the fairest we could be under the circumstances.

With wider family and friends, we have let them know of the date and location, that we would be honoured if they could make it, but understand if they can't.

With DP's immediate family, we have offered to pay for flights and have arranged free accommodation for them while they are there.

PILs are going through a very difficult time financially (hence why we have tried to ensure they don't have any additional costs in order to attend our wedding). However, they have told us they can't accept our offer to pay and won't be coming.

I'm trying very hard to see things from their point of view and be sensitive to their difficulties at present but I can't help but feel desperately sad for DP that his parents won't be there to see us get married. At the risk of sounding like a bridezilla, I feel very upset about it all and don't know what to do. Hence why I am posting here...to get some perspective on how to approach this.

AIBU?

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 09/11/2012 12:50

nkf - if your DC was getting married, invited you and did everything they could to make sure you could be there, would you chose not to go?

OP - if you were getting married in the UK and your PIL decided not to go to the wedding it would be seen as a massive snub, eveyrone would see it as them not being happy with the marriage and is the sort of thing parents and DCs don't get over. I think you have to offer again, but then leave it. Hopefully it is just pride and nothing more than that. Try to be supportive to your DP and don't go on about it, he must feel awful that his parents are doing this. At least he has the "its a long way" excuse. It should make it easier for him to save face with your family.

steben · 09/11/2012 12:52

Why would the people with the well stocked fridge need to know - am sure they would have a stocked fridge for guests regardless of their financial situation. Plus I would not see it as charity to stay with family of future DIL but that is just my opinion. I would speak to then again OP as I think if they don't come it is something they will regret - if not now then long term.

twooter · 09/11/2012 12:52

If they're in financial dire straits, then they may actually feel sick of the money 'wasted' on the flights for one day. They may be longing to go, but if they owe others money feel it is not appropriate.

bran · 09/11/2012 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mutny · 09/11/2012 12:54

I am sure the people who are opening up their him, proc using transport, food etc will wonder why they are doing so for free.

McChristmasPants2012 · 09/11/2012 12:54

I would feel comfortable taking over 3k from a family member. When my friend paid for her son to visit from austrialia it cost 1.5 thousand for return flights.

gotthemoononastick · 09/11/2012 12:54

We have had to do this and are about to do it again.So very far away and killer jetlag.The logistics of Visa requirements,distance,Ill health can be very daunting.BUT so wonderful to meet in-laws,see their way of living,beautiful wedding day, not to be missed. Above all it helps to be able to picture your children in their homes.Your people are very lucky ...keep trying to sell it in little bits!Old fashioned invitations from the people they will be staying with,perhaps?

ZZZenAgain · 09/11/2012 12:54

I agree with twooter

LittleFrieda · 09/11/2012 12:56

Do they approve of your union?

borisjohnsonshair · 09/11/2012 12:56

Could you have a blessing when you come back? And a small party so that they can be involved in that instead? YANBU btw, you sound very caring about it all. Good luck with the wedding too.

nkf · 09/11/2012 12:57

I don't know these people but I do know that there are some people for whom staying in a stranger's house on the other side of the world, after a long flight, when you're seriously short of money, would be a nightmare.

I think if they've said no, it's because they feel they can't rather than they just don't want to. But the OP doesn't know why they don't want to/can't. Perhaps she hasn't asked.

Hulababy · 09/11/2012 12:57

Wedding abroad and a blessing back here? Many church blessings are very much like wedding services anyway. There was little, if any, difference between my church blessing than if we had had a church wedding here int he first place. We had a blessing because we got married abroad, by choice, without any one else with us.

Jusfloatingby · 09/11/2012 12:57

Are they very elderly or a bit frail? The thought of all that travel plus taking so much money from you may be putting them off. I think having a second ceremony or blessing in Great Britain is a lovley idea and you can also include all the other people who can't fly out to be with you on your special day.

worsestershiresauce · 09/11/2012 13:09

I can fully understand why your PIL don't wish to attend, and I wouldn't either in those circumstances. I think you respect their decision, and arrange something in the UK if you want them to be involved. They probably don't feel any better than you do about any of this.

GhostShip · 09/11/2012 13:12

YABU. I agree with COMT

maddening · 09/11/2012 13:59

Do you reckon there's any chance of talking them round?

ModernToss · 09/11/2012 14:08

We had a blessing because we got married abroad, by choice, without any one else with us.

That's exactly what we did too, for the same reason. My parents loved it - far less stressful than a 'real' wedding, but they felt a part of things. If you do the video link and the blessing, I think your ILs should feel included.

HollyMadison · 09/11/2012 14:10

Couple more thoughts from me: I think that a wedding is not just one day and a bit of a ceremony - it is a joining together of 2 families to become one big family. I'd have been really disappointed and embarrassed if my inlaws hadn't accepted my family's hospitality for my wedding abroad. How will the PIL explain it when they next get together with your parents? I agree with other posters about the need to really understand the reasons behind it.

If my PiL hadn't come to our wedding it would have really had an impact on the wedding I think. It was a good party (at least I thought so!) with lots of friends such as my uni friends I'm still friends with and friends of my parents. I feel it would have been a bit odd if PIL hadn't been there and I wouldn't have felt right having these other people there if the most important guests aren't there. I think for me the parents are the most important guests at a wedding unless the couple already have children. I guess that's not the same for everyone. Although we had a UK celebration it was never like the wedding.

Also, are the PIL drawing a line in the sand? What if you have kids then decide to move to your home country? Are they never coming to visit?

nkf · 09/11/2012 14:14

They're skint though. Isn't that the problem? They don't want to spend money right now.

ByTheWay1 · 09/11/2012 14:24

I think it is all a bit fraught.... and am playing a bit of a devil's advocate here so forgive me please...

if you married/got a blessing/whatever over here they would buy an outfit, turn up for the wedding and do and then go home...... my idea of a nice day out....

However .... you choose to go half way round the world to your family - I take it it will mean travel to an airport, a couple or more hours hanging around, a day on a plane, immigration, being picked up by strangers and taken to their house - staying for however long - then the "nice day out" followed by all of the same in reverse.....

Not sure I would want to go either....

HollyMadison · 09/11/2012 14:26

Thought OP and her OH were offering to meet their costs. I guess I'm thinking that, if I was skint and my DS offered to pay that would be something I'd accept (in preference to missing his wedding) so I'm sad that they are letting pride get in the way. And if there are other factors for them such as fear of traveling I'm wondering if these factors will always be there.

Quadrangle · 09/11/2012 14:33

When I saw your title i assumed it was someone from the UK who fancied a tropical wedding and expected people to cough up to go there too, but your situation is very different from that and YANBU given that you are from there and you rarely see your family (so it was the fair place to get married) and that you are offering to pay for flight and accom. You couldn't have done any more or been any fairer. I don't see why they say they can't accept your offer to pay. It sounds like they just don't fancy the hassle which is not fair on your son. Would be different if they were not able bodied enough to travel

nobodyknowsit · 09/11/2012 14:39

I think it's a shame that they're refusing to come. I've just had a wedding in the UK, my DH is from overseas and just his parents came but his siblings wouldn't, either because their dc had to be in school or other caring reasons, and another sibling has a fear of flying. So there are other reasons besides money which are good enough reasons for not travelling. As a parent I find it hard to imagine anything that would keep me from my own dc's wedding though, so I do find it hard to understand and you must be feeling disappointed. It's not as if you're choosing to have an overseas wedding in a random exotic country, it's your home country where all your family are.

We had one official ceremony/reception in the UK, then we flew out to DH's home country and had a reception dinner there with his extended family, so we did end up celebrating with almost all the members of both our families. I think that's a solution that worked quite well.

I don't think a video link would have been that helpful to our own families (older generation quite technophobe) but we shared photos online later.

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