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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL not coming to our overseas wedding

73 replies

GettingMarriedAbroad · 09/11/2012 09:27

I'm sure many already feel I am unreasonable but please bear with me while I try to explain...

DP and I are getting married next year and the wedding will be on the other side of the world. I am from this other country and all my family live there. So...wherever we chose to get married would have involved international travel for one half of the family if we were to have everyone together. We chose my country as we live in the UK and get to see DP's family more often. We felt this was the fairest we could be under the circumstances.

With wider family and friends, we have let them know of the date and location, that we would be honoured if they could make it, but understand if they can't.

With DP's immediate family, we have offered to pay for flights and have arranged free accommodation for them while they are there.

PILs are going through a very difficult time financially (hence why we have tried to ensure they don't have any additional costs in order to attend our wedding). However, they have told us they can't accept our offer to pay and won't be coming.

I'm trying very hard to see things from their point of view and be sensitive to their difficulties at present but I can't help but feel desperately sad for DP that his parents won't be there to see us get married. At the risk of sounding like a bridezilla, I feel very upset about it all and don't know what to do. Hence why I am posting here...to get some perspective on how to approach this.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 09/11/2012 10:16

With a gun to her head I wouldn't get my mum on a plane.

Some people just don't live travelling/flying.

Shame they'll miss your wedding but that's the way it is.

missymoomoomee · 09/11/2012 10:16

YABU I'm afraid as they either have to accept a lot of money from you when you are already paying for a wedding and rely, somewhat, on your family (who I assume they don't know well) or have to pay out money they can't afford. I think skype will be your friend here so they can still see you get married.

waltermittymissus · 09/11/2012 10:20

The wedding here and honeymoon at home is a good idea!

chunkythighs · 09/11/2012 10:22

Sorry but you must have known that it was a risk that they may not be able to come. In your pils situation I would hate to be in a situation where my sons wife's family knew I was too poor to pay my way!
I know you mean the gesture to pay for everything but I think that most people would hate it.

Why can't your family do the travelling seeing as your in laws can't afford it?

WelshMaenad · 09/11/2012 10:25

Yanbu. You have been more than accommodating. Assuming the wedding isn't in january they will have months to get the small sums together for outfits etc.

we are pretty broke at the moment, but we managed to scrape together money to attend my best friends wedding last month. DD was a bridesmaid so dress bought, I got her shoes and DS' suit from eBay, my outfit and dhs suit from outlet places/sales. Saved for her gift. It can be done. People would say TWBU to not attend their dons wedding in the uk because they didn't want to buy new clothes, I'd wager. It's their sons wedding for heavens sake!!

steben · 09/11/2012 10:34

YANBU we have been in a similar situation - and for other posters saying that they will incur incidental costs such as new outfits - would they not buy a new outfit if the wedding was here? I think it is a generous offer and pride should not stand in the way of attending your child's wedding.

Coralanne · 09/11/2012 10:35

Best friend's DD married in Hawaii.

Friend and her DH couldn't afford the cost involved and her DD paid for all flights and accommodation.

My sister gave her a stunning outfit to wear. They had a fabulous time.

Friends DD and DH are both professional people and don't have time to run around to various shops etc, looking for bargains.

My friend does all that for them. Standing in queues at Aldi for instance to get specials, housesitting their home and feeding their dogs when they are away.

Even mowing the lawns sometimes.

Maybe your PILs can even out the cost by doing the same sort of things.

Personally though, I think that they just don't want to go.

steben · 09/11/2012 10:35

And if it is a pride issue and they don't wAnt people to know they were paid for to attend surely no one need know apart from the couple and his parents?

HollyMadison · 09/11/2012 10:37

YANBU. I got married on the other side of the world from the uk as that is where I am from. DH is English and we lived in England at the time. His family had never travelled far and spent the 8 or so years they'd known me saying things like "of course we could never travel that far, what with FIL's health issues". Anyway, they came, loved it and FIL's issues improved whilst there. They could afford it but we'd have paid if not. We didn't really give them an alternative TBH. We had a UK party but it was more for the great grandma and friends of family.

This sounds a little rude but could they be pulling a bit of a stunt? Maybe they are not 100% excited about the marriage. I know my MIL's biggest fear is that her DS and GCs will end up on the other side of the world. Could there be a bit of attention seeking?

Maybe it's just a lack of confidence.

If it were me I'd go ahead with your plans, giving them at least a year's warning and hope they come around. Maybe other family members can talk to them? MIL will realize she doesn't want to be seen by the new extended family as someone who's put her own agenda, even if just pride, above her son's happiness.

Sorry if I sound harsh on them - colored by my own experience I guess!

Zalen · 09/11/2012 10:38

Sorry, so many people here saying wedding here, honeymoon there, why! The plans have been made, I assume it was discussed with all the in-laws during the planning stage. The OP has very good reasons for having the wedding in her home country, her family will miss out on being there for so much of her married life, why should they have to miss out on this too.

It is a very great shame that your DP's parents don't feel able to make the trip, perhaps he could talk to them quietly and with no pressure just to understand their concerns. If you can understand why they feel the way they do then maybe you will be able to find a way to address the issues.

Otherwise skype sounds like a great idea, I hope you have a great day.

JurassicFart · 09/11/2012 11:56

YABU. Have you considered that they might feel embarrassed accepting free flights, food, transfers, passports - whatever? I would feel very small knowing that my son and DIL were shelling out for my costs on top of their own wedding.

Bigwheel · 09/11/2012 12:07

I can understand you both being hurt and upset, I would be too. But maybe pride is getting in the way of them accepting your kind offer? Maybe the have a fear of flying / travelling? Maybe they are very uneasy at where they will be staying? Will the country your getting married in be a huge culture hock for them? Maybe they are a bit 'scared' of this? Do they have any health issues, work commitments etc? I would sit down and talk to them again and see if you can get to the bottom of their reasons and work from there.

whois · 09/11/2012 12:08

Pride is a foolish thing to let stand in the way of attending your sons wedding.

I would think worse of a close family member who didn't come because they were too proud to accept the air fare etc.

They would still have to buy outfits in the UK.

I think the OP is NBU and the PILs are being selfish and small minded not to go to the wedding.

If someone wanted me to be at their wedding badly enough that they would pay for me then I wouldn't feel guilty about accepting the gift.

ZZZenAgain · 09/11/2012 12:08

hope it works out, it would be a real shame if either set of parents were not there.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 09/11/2012 12:15

To be honest, and I will try not to sound harsh.

The more you outline how much you and your family is going to pay for them, how well stocked the fridge will be, how you can help with passports, the more you are rubbing it in. I know you mean well, but you are not making them feel good at all. You are potentially drawing a massive wedge between your two families. You are possibly making them feel very inadequate. Do you look upon them as imbeciles if you suggest "helping them get passports?" They are adults, not teens.

Secondly, they see you regularly. There really is no need to traipse across the globe to see somebody get married.

At least not if this is going to make you feel extremely small and cap in hand.

Stop pushing the issue of your wedding. Tell them you are sad they wont be there, but not to worry, you understand their decision, after all it is just a ceremony but you get to spend the rest of your life close to them.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 09/11/2012 12:36

I'd guess its down to pride, and just feeling uncomfortable with being so far away from home.

Personally, I think hurt pride is a ridiculous reason to justify not being there for your child on his wedding day, and while I understand that they might not feel great about it, I think they should deal with it and put their son first. If they are not elderly, still working, and have enough time to put some money aside for extras, then I think they are being quite selfish by not going.

I'd offer to pay for a hotel for them as well as flights, because I can understand that free accommodation might not be that appealing if it means being a houseguest to people you have never met. If they have those two big costs covered, then they would be unlikely to spend that much more than if you were getting married in the UK.

mutny · 09/11/2012 12:36

And if it is a pride issue and they don't wAnt people to know they were paid for to attend surely no one need know apart from the couple and his parents?

Surely the people providing a stocked fridge would know.
OP yabu. You chose to have it in your home country. You muct have known some people would decline to attend.
You made your decision and they have made theirs. What do you do? Accept they have their reasons and move on.

Original poster
GettingMarriedAbroad · 09/11/2012 12:38

NotQuint, no I don't look upon them as 'imbeciles' Hmm, DP and I would just simply love to have them at our wedding.

I take your point that it could make them feel uncomfortable, though. Not my intention Blush

OP posts:
nkf · 09/11/2012 12:38

When I read threads like this, I hope that my children either never get married or do it while I'm away. Then I can congratulate them, give them a big hug, buy a nice present and not worry that I am offending them.

waltermittymissus · 09/11/2012 12:39

There's nothing you can do OP except get on with it and accept that they won't be there.

CinnabarRed · 09/11/2012 12:42

I have to say, in their position, I would find it incredibly difficult to accept the amount of largesse that would be needed to actually get them to the wedding. Especially from my children, and people I don't know (i.e. your family).

hillyhilly · 09/11/2012 12:42

At one point we planned to marry in St Lucia, although my parents were good travellers to Europe at that point, there's no way they would have attended.
For them it would be a combination of too far, too different and too hot (plus the fact that we'd lived together too).

BlingBubbles · 09/11/2012 12:43

We had a similar situation, my pils didn't come to our wedding abroad as they have never travelled before and wouldn't get on a plane. I found it quite difficult to understand but when we decided to get married in my home country we kind if knew they wouldn't come.

lovebunny · 09/11/2012 12:45

you're doing all you can. how about a video link so they can watch the wedding as it happens? and taking them out for a meal to celebrate when you get back?

VoiceofUnreason · 09/11/2012 12:50

I second the Skype idea.

I don't think YABU to feel disappointed. You made a very generous offer which so many couples getting married abroad don't make. But for assorted reasons - which may well be perfectly justified - they don't feel able to accept. Pride may well be one. I know for me it would be the flight. I loathe flying and only went abroad for the first time this year at 38. Two hour flight to Italy and a nervous wreck. I might cope with that sort of distance another time but I know there is no way I could cope long haul.

I think you just have to accept and move on.