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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect money to be paid back to me that I lent to a friend?

42 replies

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 08/11/2012 13:44

OK bit of history, I am a sahm my dh has a good job, we have no mortgage we are not struggling but just about manage ok.

My friend is always lending money off people, this morning she wanted to lend £5 for a school trip that needed to be paid today. I said to her I have it, but she already owes me £18 from money she has lent over the past few weeks. She replied "OMG I can not believe you have been adding it up", she then went into a mini rant saying her partner has a poorly paid job, and they have a mortgage to pay, bills etc etc. Then offered to bring the money round later but the kids wont eat for the rest of the week.

AIBU to expect it back at some point. I obviously do not want her kids not eating, but I also know she gets through a packet of 10 fags a day and a bottle of wine most nights.

Appreciate peoples thoughts

OP posts:
HazleNutt · 08/11/2012 13:47

she doesn't believe you've been adding it up? So she assumed she can just keep "borrowing" and you wouldn't ever ask for it back? How cheeky. YANBU of course and you have a mortgage to pay as well, I believe.

HazleNutt · 08/11/2012 13:47

Ah sorry just saw that you don't have a mortgange - well in any case, it's your money and you gave it as loan, not charity.

DontmindifIdo · 08/11/2012 13:50

I would tell her that you were lending her the money, not giving it to her, if she can't give it you back today that's fine, but you do expect her to pay it back at some point and won't just write it off because she's guilt tripping you.

I would then make sure you never give her any money again.

HellonHeels · 08/11/2012 13:50

My thoughts are don't lend her any more money.

elfycat · 08/11/2012 13:50

She obviously doesn't understand the nature of borrowing, which is that a lender will keep tabs on what has been lent out.

YANBU to expect to get the money back, however I doubt that you will. She obviously hadn't considered that she had to and is nor emotionally blackmailing you into making it a gift.

If it were me I would make it a gift, say don't worry if things are tight (and at the same time make it a gift in your head so you don't resent it) and then never lend her anything, even 10p ever again.

Original poster
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 08/11/2012 14:08

Thank you for you advice, will take it on board

OP posts:
TwitchyTail · 08/11/2012 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caramelwaffle · 08/11/2012 14:10

If her children really will not eat one evening, it is because she and her husband will be lazy, moany-arses that particular evening by not cooking; they have money - they choose to spend it on non-essential luxuries (cigarettes and alcohol)

Either give the money as a gift - and make that clear - or make clear it is a loan to be paid back.

Feminine · 08/11/2012 14:10

I suspect this is wind-up actually.

HorraceTheOtter · 08/11/2012 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

givemeaclue · 08/11/2012 14:11

Don't give or lend her any more money, you are not a bank

DontmindifIdo · 08/11/2012 14:13

Actually, if you can afford to lose the £18, then I think the advice to mentally let it go would be good. Tell yourself it's what it's cost you to learn this woman is a sponger. Some people end up being taken for a lot more! Just say "no" with no explaination if she asks ever again, don't say "no because you still owe me £18" or "no I don't have it" just a flat "no" (not "no sorry" - you're not sorry!) if she asks why not, say "because I do'nt want to" it's sooo hard to argue with "I don't want to".

MrsMelons · 08/11/2012 14:15

Don't ever lend her money again. Just say you don't have enough on you.

I agree with Twitchy - I would only lend it to friends if I am not bothered about having it back.

For £18 I wouldn't lose a friend over it but would never ever lend anything again and would be happy to tell them why if they asked.

I find this sort of attitude awful - we are in a good financial position at the moment and we often hear 'you're so lucky' etc etc. Bollocks to luck - we have made our own luck and sacrificed loads in the past/been in awful situations and are now in a position to benefit and enjoy things. Just because you may have more money than your friend doesn't mean you should be bumping her DHs salary up with handouts.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend IMO.

Zalen · 08/11/2012 14:18

If she's going to lend money she would be entirely reasonable to expect it back, however as I gather she borrowed money which you lent to her YANBU to expect to be paid back and to keep track of how much you have lent.

'Neither a borrower nor a lender be' is a pretty good basic rule, you can always bend it when the circumstances warrant it.

MrsHoarder · 08/11/2012 14:26

If someone borrows a fiver off you then never repays, it was worth it to find out what sort of person they are.

Obviously only applies if they aren't trying to repay you...

Viviennemary · 08/11/2012 14:44

Don't lend her any more money. She can cut down on her wine and smoking if she is so concerned about her children not being fed. Honestly, some folk!

whois · 08/11/2012 14:50

You are being VVVVV unreasonable for know knowing the difference between lending and borrowing. Ugh.

Friend is a sponger. Write the money off and be friends no more.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 08/11/2012 15:06

you lend TO someone, borrow FROM. sorry, just one of my hates.

SugaricePlumFairy · 08/11/2012 15:11

She's not short of money if she's buying wine and fags.

She's just choosing to spend it on what she considers more important than £5 on a school trip for her child.

Don't lend to her again.

Pagwatch · 08/11/2012 15:15

Just don't lend her any more money.
Lending people money is never a good idea tbh. It often ends badly.

VoiceofUnreason · 08/11/2012 15:19

Sad but true. Never lend what you can't afford to write off.

Paiviaso · 08/11/2012 15:22

"Never lend any money you expect to get back" was some advice I've never forgot, it's very wise! You are entitled to have it back of course, but that doesn't mean you'll get it.

Anyway, it is your friend's responsibility to pay for her children, not yours. She is using you, and now guilt-tripping you. Sounds like a bit of a shit friend really. Have her pay you back (if she can afford wine and fags then she can feed her kids) and never lend her any again.

dreamingofsun · 08/11/2012 15:23

we had a tenant once who owed us £1k. we took her to court and i was amazed at the long list of attachment to property orders she had on her house. speaking about her in the pub it appeared she regularly borrowed money and never paid it back.

as whois says - some people are spongers and not nice people.

it taught us not to listen to sob stories. from the cigarette burns on our carpet i assume she also had the cash to smoke.

doctordwt · 08/11/2012 15:28

Perhaps you could helpfully suggest that she could not buy the ten fags and bottle of wine every day and use the money to feed her children?

Scrounger!!

PerryCombover · 08/11/2012 15:33

I don't understand.
Is she a serial lender or borrower?