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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has gone to the pub with friends while I stay home with DS

42 replies

Clumsasaurus · 07/11/2012 19:47

...DS is 12 weeks old and been fussy and clingy all day. Having spent 10 hrs alone I wa looking fwd to DH coming home to help out. He had arranged for friends to come over to meet DS and then head to the pub for a drink. DS couldn't handle the crowd and spent the hour with me(alone again) in another room.

I asked DH to not go to the pub to help/support me and he said fe couldn't let his 5 friends down... Yet letting me and DS down is ok? I never ask for support, usually cheery and coping fine yet today have had a bad day and am on my own dealing with DS.

So mad right now but AIBU?

OP posts:

zlist · 07/11/2012 19:52

YANBU to feel a bit upset but I don't think your DH was unreasonable to go to the pub with his mates this time either. If he now comes back at midnight drunk then that is a different matter. I hope he just has a couple of drinks, comes back early and gives you a well deserved hug.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 07/11/2012 19:58

YANBU wanting a bit of help/support/company after having a shitty day, but as your DH had invited them over specifically to meet DS then go out for a pint or two, it was a bit mean to ask him not to go and I can see why he felt he should.

However, if it was just a 'pint at the pub' with whoever, then I'd have been the first to slate him.

So, if I were you I'd try to stop being mad at him and just be fed up with the day you've had.

MyLastDuchess · 07/11/2012 20:01

Sorry but I disagree with the others. Something similar happened when my son was a newborn and I apologised to my BIL ... he said, "That's fine, you have other priorities now!" He wasn't being sarcastic, either.

His mates need to accept that it's not just about him all the time any more. I bet most of them would completely understand.

Lilylightfoot · 07/11/2012 20:01

& you need to have word with 'daddy' tomorrow and reminded him it takes two.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 07/11/2012 20:02

I would be pissed off, too.

junkcollector · 07/11/2012 20:02

YABalittlebitU unless this is a regular occurrence. You sound tired though so make sure he gives you a lie in at the weekend.

Yama · 07/11/2012 20:05

YANBU - he is.

AThingInYourLife · 07/11/2012 20:05

"I wa looking fwd to DH coming home to help out. He had arranged for friends to come over to meet DS and then head to the pub for a drink."

When was the arrangement made for the friends to come over and then go out for a pint?

Did you know about it all day or was this sprung on you when you were expecting your husband home to do his bit?

mutny · 07/11/2012 20:06

unless it happens alot yabu. He had made plans and as long as he doesn't comeback steaming i would let it go.

Original poster

Clumsasaurus · 07/11/2012 20:07

Thanks everyone. I'll try not to take his head off when he comes in (unless it's super late and he's drunk - not likely) and maybe have a calm 'it takes 2' conversation at the weekend. It's pretty isolating at times this baby lark

OP posts:

KellyElly · 07/11/2012 20:11

I think YABU. As long as he does his bit the rest of the time then people have come over and made plans so its a bit rude to let them down. Babies are tough. You will have many many more times like this and maybe next time you can go out and have a break. There are many mums who don't have the option of someone coming home and helping them out and they have to get on with it. You saying he is 'letting you and your DS down' seems a tad dramatic IMO.

Raspberrysorbet · 07/11/2012 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KellyElly · 07/11/2012 20:21

I'm simply pointing out that its not the end of world. He didn't bugger off to the pub when the child was desperately ill. People had come over and a plan had been made to go out. If one or the other of you was constantly cancelling doing things because a baby had been difficult you would never do anything. I don't see that he did anything wrong providing he gives OP her downtime too and pull his weight generally.

Raspberrysorbet · 07/11/2012 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 07/11/2012 20:32

Raspberry - she knew in advance he was going out so she wasn't (or shouldn't have been) thinking she was about to get help.

I wonder if some of the people who have said YABU took note of the fact that this was a pre-arranged evening out, to meet the baby and wet his head? Not just any old night down the pub.

I don't think it's fair to have a 'it takes two' chat either, unless he's not pulling his weight generally?!

KellyElly · 07/11/2012 20:33

Well the least he can do is do the night feeds and get up with the baby in the morning then they've both had a fair break :)

hazleweatherfieldgirldetective · 07/11/2012 20:38

What was to stop him taking over and letting the OP entertain their visitors at the pub...?

LucieMay · 07/11/2012 20:38

Just get him to babysit this weekend while you see your friends for a few hours?

Original poster

Clumsasaurus · 07/11/2012 20:39

He's an EBF baby so I do it all, night feeds alone and all day when DH is at work. It's more motionless support I needed tonight - he doesn't really appreciate the impact DS has had in our lives and carries on as usual yet irately see my briends due to evening cluster feeds and if I do see them DS is ith me to be fed on demand. Just feels like its all me putting into this little guy and he wants to parade him round then go out for the evening.

Anyway, I didn't mean to ruffle feathers. Thank you for your inputs :-)

OP posts:

GhostShip · 07/11/2012 20:41

YABU.

As long as its not a regular occurrence there's nothing wrong. Most dads go and 'wet the babies head' so to speak. Why don't you go out next week :)

KellyElly · 07/11/2012 20:43

hazle - maybe they we're his mates? If my mates had come over when DD was a baby they wouldn't have arranged to go to the pub with my ex. They would have stayed and spent time with me and DD or ex would have had her and I would have arranged to go out with them for an hour or so.

GhostShip · 07/11/2012 20:45

What was to stop him taking over and letting the OP entertain their visitors at the pub

Why would the OP take her husbands friends to the pub

KellyElly · 07/11/2012 20:47

Clumsasaurus have you tried to express? It was the best thing I ever did then DDs dad would do a night feed or do the morning and let me lie in.

AThingInYourLife · 07/11/2012 20:49

she knew in advance he was going out

Did you, Clumsasaurus?

Or did he arrange this today?

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 07/11/2012 20:52

Clum - who have you been talking to, to get a term like 'motionless support'?

Your baby is only a few weeks old - your hormones are not your friends. It can be hard adjusting to being responsible for a baby 24/7 .

I think you have to accept that while you are EBF you will be doing the lion's share. It is pointless for you both to be awake in the night, but maybe on a Friday/Saturday night he could get up sometimes, see if you want a drink etc and keep you company if you are feeling lonely/neglected (myself I'd rather they just got a decent nights sleep as there's no point in two people being sleep deprived) and of course when he's home in the evenings/weekends he can change nappies, tidy up, cook etc - be generally supportive and pull his weight that way. Is he?

What exactly do you want your DH to do re you seeing your friends? It feels very much like you are blaming him. You chose to EBF, so that's how things are. Either you take the baby or your friends come to you and you keep feeding - DH can't change that.

He is proud of him, of course he wants to 'show him off' - it would be worse if he didn't!!

If you are feeling this miserable and resentful - why not consider bottle feeding DS?

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