Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DH has gone to the pub with friends while I stay home with DS

42 replies

Clumsasaurus · 07/11/2012 19:47

...DS is 12 weeks old and been fussy and clingy all day. Having spent 10 hrs alone I wa looking fwd to DH coming home to help out. He had arranged for friends to come over to meet DS and then head to the pub for a drink. DS couldn't handle the crowd and spent the hour with me(alone again) in another room.

I asked DH to not go to the pub to help/support me and he said fe couldn't let his 5 friends down... Yet letting me and DS down is ok? I never ask for support, usually cheery and coping fine yet today have had a bad day and am on my own dealing with DS.

So mad right now but AIBU?

OP posts:

lovebunny · 07/11/2012 20:55

men are inconsiderate.

Zimbah · 07/11/2012 20:58

Everyone has bad days, I think suggesting the OP switches to bottle feeding based on a bad day is a little over the top!

OP, it can feel very isolating when you're EBF, does your partner support you normally in the evenings? If he's just having this one night out then I think it would be U to expect him to stay in with you tonight, but I can totally understand that you are feeling a bit alone because of it. I've said this on the assumption that this is a rare event rather than he goes out every other night.

Things will start to get a bit less intense with your DS in a few more weeks. Also, do you normally get out in the daytime to meet people, you said you'd been alone for 10 hours?

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 07/11/2012 21:00

Zimba - I don't think a single person has suggested the OP stops breastfeeding, just that she includes expressed bottle feeding

Zimbah · 07/11/2012 21:02

Chipping - sorry I had misunderstood your last sentence.

Peevish · 07/11/2012 21:04

YANBU, Clums - I know what you mean about your husband not quite getting the impact of a newborn yet, while you are all too aware of it. Ten hours with a fussy baby can feel like forever, and sometimes you just need someone else to be there. At twelve weeks, if it's your first, you're still reeling with shock, like someone who's survived a plane crash. It will get better, but do talk to your husband and get the support you need.

Procrasstinator · 07/11/2012 21:09

It doesn't matter if she knew he was going out/ it was prearranged. She asked for help from her husband because she needed it. He should have cancelled his pint. His friends should understand, and its something he'd better get used to

SamSmalaidh · 07/11/2012 21:09

YANBU, I would be furious if DH did this! He could have cancelled his friends and seen them another time if you and the baby weren't up to it.

Arthurfowlersallotment · 07/11/2012 21:18

OP, I don't think this is a question of reasonableness on either side. EBF is hard going in the early days and everything can be very overwhelming. I had moments like yours too and felt like DP could just carry on as normal whereas I felt trapped and exhausted. I was even jealous he could go to work. I thought I'd never get through it. I did though, and it's so much easier nearly 7 months on. I even had a night out on Friday.

Congratulations on your new baby and rest assured everything will be easier in the not too distant future.

GhostShip · 07/11/2012 21:24

lovebunny what a sexist comment to make.

Viviennemary · 07/11/2012 21:26

If YABU it is quite understandable if you have had a tiring day. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

missymoomoomee · 07/11/2012 22:21

I do think YABU but I can see why. Tiredness is awful. One night out in 12 weeks isn't doing any harm really. You are EBF so he can't do a lot anyway. Hope tomorrow brings you a better day.

Fishwife1980 · 07/11/2012 22:37

I think yabu you cant expect Hm to only see his maes on your say so because you have had a baby as long he is allowing soace for you to go then you nned to cut him some slack

My oh gives me saturday off to ho and do as i please and he hates shopping and my son hates it to i suggest you try somthing like that rather than stopping him haveing a social life

If you looked at it from another way if he complained everytime you went out and sited the fact that you had a baby now How would you feel

I know you had a bad day could you not have rung your mum perhaps or called on a friend

Tbh when having a bad day with baby haveing a hairy oh looking at you with not much clue is not much help either i found it much more helpful to call on someone who has been trough the war so to speak and they are much more helpful

When my sister was at rock bottom she called me i ran her a bath put her to bed and took baby out with me and my kids for a few hours
I knew just how she felt

Fishwife1980 · 07/11/2012 22:39

Oh my god just read my post shocking sorry ladies can hardly read it my slef best just ignore

Signet2012 · 07/11/2012 22:49

Hi op. I have a 8 week old baby and also EBF which whilst lovely, is very tiring not being able to share the night feeds. My Dp had three gigs the second week I was home meaning he was out after work with practising or gigging. I totally understand where you are coming from.

I felt quite abandoned and like you are normally a coper.

However I think the tiredness and hormones can make everything seem 100 times worse.

If he has already arranged a few pints then it does need to bdag upheld unless you really really can't cope but hopefully your dp will recognise your in need of a bit of support and not come in late or drunk assuming this is a one off I'd let it go.

Try relax and have some cuddles and he will soon be back.

Do you go back to bed on a weekend? On one of the weekend days I feed baby first feed in bed then pack dp off with her downstairs so I can go back to sleep. (two full hours!!!!). To be honest I don't often feel like I need ir now and sometimes can't fall asleep but I stay up here relaxing to give dd and dp some time without me. Could you try that to have a bit of time out?

Signet2012 · 07/11/2012 22:51

Oh and it really does get better each week. Dd sleeps ten til five ish now and has done for 2 weeks and I feel like a new woman.

thecatsminion · 08/11/2012 08:11

I think if he'd arranged it in advance then it would be more difficult to cancel, but he maybe should have.

If he hadn't arranged it in advance then he shouldn't have gone. There's something a bit crushing about expecting help at the end of a long day and it not materialising.

Yy to the expressing, and make sure you get a bit of time to yourself/your DH does some of the night feeds.

When DS was about the same age or younger, I remember I'd planned to cook my DH something nice for dinner and watch a DVD after the wee guy was in bed. DH then got a phone call at 5pm from one of his mates who he hadn't seen for ages, and DH asked "Oh, would you mind if I went for a drink with xxx?" Yes, I bloody well minded, and he should have just said no rather than putting me in the position of being the bad guy for spoiling his fun.

schobe · 08/11/2012 08:21

No need for harshness when this OP is in the throes of an ebf young baby. I am, of course, pro breast feeding but I found this a big problem myself. It felt like such a crushing weight of responsibility at times. (Disclaimer: that DC was a screamer and wanted feeding/comforting every hour to hour and a half - he wouldn't have tolerated a noisy pub either.)

I think there is one simple issue YANBU about - that you asked your DH for support and help, having reached a point of desperation. And he said no.

Regardless of how irrational you may or may not have been, you were feeling like you couldn't cope, and he still left you and put his friends' feelings above you.

I do think that needs a calm conversation in which he admits he's wrong.

Flip

1 2