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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell people we aren't doing presents this year?

73 replies

Fancydrawers · 07/11/2012 10:11

We cannot afford to buy presents for everyone, as we are going on holiday later this month. Plus I really resent buying for people I can't stand

Would I BU to tell everyone we aren't giving presents and risk the fallout, or should I grin and bear it, and buy anyway? The only people we are going to buy for will be my parents (as we are v close to them and spending Christmas with them) and each other.

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healstorturepeople · 07/11/2012 11:56

Mean - as in its the season of goodwill and you are thinking of you and your holiday rather than thinking of others.

idococktailshedoesbeer · 07/11/2012 12:02

I have a large family on my side and each year some of us have suggested spending just £10 on gifts for each other (still comes to about £150!!). But some people are never happy with this, for example my single sister who doesn't get big presents from a partner got very upset.

I would honestly prefer a small token gift from everyone than expensive stuff, but it's a minefield.

whois · 07/11/2012 12:13

I would be happy for you to say this. I don't start on Xmas stuff until about 2 weeks before anyway.

I can never think what people will like. I get stressed out that I can't do this.
I think the exchange of pointless gifts between adults in a waste of time, money and energy.
I don't NEED anything small, all I end up doing is not buying myself things like a cookery book or similar so that it can go on the present list. And then everyone else something generic like wine or a chutney set or something.

For the kids - yes.

I'd much rather spend the cash I would have spent on adult pressies on champagne for Christmas day or similar.

insectrepellant · 07/11/2012 12:15

Personally I think token or homemade gifts are better than none - it shows that you've been thinking of them and that's important to me. But then I tend to spend Christmas with lots of extended family, and it would be horrible to do the present opening with them if I hadn't got them anything!

I think if I were in your family, I'd be a bit skeptical about you saying you can't afford it; even when I was at my poorest (on benefits) I was always able to save enough to get a little something, sometimes cooking something or using up my Clubcard points, you could even get a nice shower gel or small box of chocs for a few quid and I'd be happy enough with that rather than being left out altogether.

Revelsarethebest · 07/11/2012 12:18

Im surprised some people on here have said they wouldnt be happy to be told that they wouldnt be recieving a gift at xmas when they had already started their xmas shopping!

So you have bought people gifts because you are expecting one back?

So your only giving, because you are expecting to also recieve?

I was always taught you shouldnt give to recieve and thats not what xmas is about....

Original poster

Fancydrawers · 07/11/2012 12:29

Fair enough. I don't mind buying for the kids, it's just the adults. But you're right, people are a lot more organised than I am and will most likely have done their shopping. I'll just not spend as much as I have previously.

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FrightRunScream · 07/11/2012 12:44

DH was made redundant on 18 Nov last year. I told people we were not doing presents, and did not expect any in return. No one minded or at least didn't say anything.

Original poster

Fancydrawers · 07/11/2012 13:13

Gosh how stressful. Hope all is alright now. It would be ridiculous for people to be upset in that circumstance.

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Woozley · 07/11/2012 13:22

I wouldn't give the reason as going on holiday. But a couple of years ago I contacted several friends individually and said "Look, we are all grown up now with kids of our own, would you mind if we didn't bother with Christmas presents now?" All were relieved to have it clarified and thought it was very sensible, in fact a couple of family members had contacted me to do the same, which prompted me. You just don't need to carry on exchanging stuff you don't need.

Woozley · 07/11/2012 13:23

I only buy about ten people presents now, it's great!

imnotmymum · 07/11/2012 13:26

We only buy parents, kids and each other presents. It is your money but I guess if other people will be buying you stuff you sort of feel obligated if it is every year since the year dot. However present buying is not a right and I agree enjoy holiday [nosey where you going] or alternatively make something or just buy cheaper things if there is to be a fall out.

Wingedharpy · 07/11/2012 13:30

I belong to the bah humbug school when it comes to Christmas.
No Christmas presents at all are bought or received in the Wingedharpy house.
Haven't done it for years.
We don't send any cards either.
People who love us, still love us and accept this is what we (don't) do.
The amount of money people spend on tat at this time of year really grieves me and when I hear of people getting themselves into debt over Christmas I think it is so sad as the effects of this will last the whole year and longer - but the stuff they spent their money on will long be forgotten.
In these hard times I would think that many people would be secretly relieved to feel they don't have to buy for you and yours Fancydrawers.
You don't need to give reasons why you aren't buying - IMHO you don't need to say anything other than you aren't buying this year.
You are entitled to spend your money on what you want and if that is a holiday for yourselves, well good for you. Enjoy it.

misscomanche · 07/11/2012 13:40

I'm from a large family and a few years ago we started doing Secret Santa for the adults. It really takes some pressure off financially, and is fun trying to figure out who got you. We still buy for the kids.

Whoknowswhocares · 07/11/2012 13:44

I think it sounds tight and selfish tbh. Sorry
Absolutely if you were skint it would be fine but as its because of a holiday you just look cheap. The reason you can't afford it is because you have chosen to spend the money on yourselves instead. It's the thought that counts and it doesn't have to be any more than a token but to just say you aren't doing for the reason given is a bit miserly tbh

Original poster

Fancydrawers · 07/11/2012 13:44

Thank you. We've not been on holiday together since our honeymoon back when I was slim, sigh so really want to enjoy and not have to budget in order to spend more on presents. I get that that probably makes me look a bit of a brat.

We're staying in a villa in Menorca, imnotmymum. Cannot wait!

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Original poster

Fancydrawers · 07/11/2012 13:45

Although have found a local paint your own mug shop, so thought that'd make a nice little present? (Obviously will be DD doing the painting, or would be odd)

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TempusFuckit · 07/11/2012 14:07

Agree both with those who say it depends on the reason, and that a token gift would be better. Nothing at all because you want to splurge on holiday and at short notice is a bit crap really.

We've asked to set £10 budget with family because we've just been hit with £6k of essential house repairs, plus I'm now on maternity leave, and I'm feeling bad about that ...

(I am a bit sceptical about home made edible gifts though. Whenever I've tried to do those, I've ended up spending £££)

imnotmymum · 07/11/2012 14:10

Ooh excited for you Menorca lovely.

Ephiny · 07/11/2012 14:16

I don't agree it depends on the reason, you can spend your own money however you like, for whatever reason you like, and you aren't obliged at all to buy stuff for other adults.

Also don't see the point of token gifts, i.e. buying stuff just for the sake of it. If it's the thought that counts, why not send a card or email or phone for a chat so the person knows you're thinking of them. And if you're not thinking of them, well, there's even less point making an empty materialistic gesture :)

StrawWars · 07/11/2012 14:16

The paint your own mug shops can be quite expensive. You can buy plain white mugs in Tesco for about 47p, and you can buy porcelain pens for about £10.

Original poster

Fancydrawers · 07/11/2012 14:22

Food would be pants. Baking is not my bag, I am utterly crap at it.

imnot I know, I can't wait! Just hope the weather is nice. But nicer than here will do!

Ephiny I do rather agree that our money is ours and should be spent on what we wish, but then as others have said that is a bit selfish so close to Christmas, and I don't want to upset anyone.

StrawWars they are £6 each, so quite reasonable, but thanks very much for the links!

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Blondeshavemorefun · 07/11/2012 14:22

i dont see the point in buying everyone a gift for the sheer hell of it and also bankrupting yourself as well

simply say that you cant afford pressies for everyone and suggest a secret santa and every adult buy one pressie maybe £20 and put in sack/exchange, and each time you see someone then swap the gift so at the end of it you dont know what will get what from who

blonde looks back at last sentence - that makes sense doesnt it

Mousefunk · 07/11/2012 14:26

I would be fine with it but I hate both giving and receiving gifts, not everyone is as sensible miserable as me

For some its like the be all and end all, they get really petty about it. Luckily for us DH family live half way across the world and neither side trusts the postal service to deliver presents safely/its expensive to send so we don't have them to buy for and on my side there's like 4 adult family members to buy for. We just get them a framed photo of the kids and they're over the moon. We don't expect anything for us, just the DCs and that works fine. But some people do get all worked up about presents..

You have to tread carefully..As others have said it may be a bit late now because its something you do every year and they might have already bought yours so will probably be a bit pissed off you didn't mention it sooner. I'd probably bite the bullet and buy them this year and quit it next year if you want.

Original poster

Fancydrawers · 07/11/2012 14:34

Blond, that post fried my brain, haha.

Mouse I am unspeakably jealous.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/11/2012 14:38

my brain is fried

working nights with 9 weeks prem twins so nothing i say at the moment makes sense

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