To think that my SIL is a selfish cow? (long rant....!)

[HMTheQueen]

Backstory: I am Australian and have lived in the UK for 10 years. I have not always had the best relationship with SIL, but as she appears to make my brother happy, I have tried to be nice to her. It does help that she lives on the other side of the world and I only have to see her for a week or so at a time every 1-2 years!

We (my new partner, 2DSS's and my DS) are going to see my family at Easter next year. I suggested to my DM that we might be spending some time visiting some theme parks while we are there, and would the rest of the family (DF, DM, Dbro, SIL, Dneice and Dnephew, and other DBro) would like to come along and spend a couple of days going to the theme parks with the children and generally spending time together.

I suggested we stay at the attached hotel, so less travelling and we can all enjoy a couple of days away together - as a family.

I also suggested we do this on Easter Sunday and Easter Monday as this would be convenient for our travel plans as well as meaning no-one would have to take time off work/school.

I said that if they couldn't afford it not to worry and we would still see them when we go over, so no loss really, but it would be nice to spend time together.

DM said she would speak to DBro, SIL and other DBro and would let me know. She spoke to Dbro and SIL on the weekend. Apparently SIL has said that they won't go as since we've organised it over the Easter weekend it will be too busy with too many people there (totally true - it will be busy but not so much that we won't be able to have fun!). BUT - the main reason they're not going is that it means SIL won't see her family on Easter Sunday.

Sil's parents and sister live 5 minutes from her house. They look after the children for them after school. They speak multiple times a day. They see each other every day and spend every Friday night at her parents house for pizza and a movie. They have spent every Easter and Xmas since my Dbro and SIL got married with her family (much to the detriment of my parents who would also like to spend time with the DGS and their DS and DIL).

AIBU to expect SIL to spend 2 days with me and my family without her family being present - especially when I am giving her 5 months notice and WE ARE TRAVELLING HALF WAY AROUND THE WORLD TO GET THERE?

SIL has also spent a lot of time in emails (and in person when I'm in Oz) telling me that DS should get to spend time with his cousins (ie her DC) and that I am depriving him of his family by living in the UK (guilt trip much?) Now that I am giving DS and DNeice and Dnephew time to spend together, she says no (probably because she wants them to see their cousins on her side - that they see everyday!)

Also - WIBU to tell SIL when I go home and she decides to invite her family to see me (which will happen) that it will be too busy with too many people and I'm there to see my family?

Glad you found out before you confronted her about it!

People usually assume a decision they don't like is the fault of the person they're not keen on and not related to.

And she didn't consult my DBro about this when my DM suggested it - she just flat out said no. What if he'd like to go? What if he'd like the children to spend time together? She thinks her family are more important than mine/DBro's family. She doesn't mind changing her plans to suit herself or her family.... Just not mine.

So who told you she didn't consult your brother? leading you to think she doesn't give a crap about your family?

Something about this isn't right. My DM was the one who initially told me about this - and she's not prone to hysterics. In fact she is more likely not to tell me about what SIL does so that I don't get annoyed.

Also Dbro2 is not the most reliable of sources, and he was apparently "kinda in the room" for the conversation....

Someone here hasn't got all the information. I'm inclined to think its dbro2 as he is much less reliable than DM, so I will wait and see. Friend has said she will try to find out more for me, and I'm going to say absolutely nothing to anyone, as I clearly don't have the full picture.

BTW - I agree with wordfactory - I don't mind them living their lives when we come to visit - after all, it's not like I'm the queen or anything .... But I really don't like being bugged the rest of the time I'm not there about how unfair it was of me to move away and for the children not to grow up together.

Friend has said she will try to find out more for me,

So you did believe your dbro but now you don't? and why is your friend finding anything out?

I don't see why you are getting involved. If your dbro is really that fussed he will changed plans. But honestly I would not go to a theme park for Easter weekend.

They have said no because they always go to her parents. I always go to my parents on boxing day, always, if dhs mum called and asked us if we wanted to make plans I would say no without consulting dh. Because we have always agreed this is what we do, for various reasons.
You live on the other side of the planet. The family dynamic will not be changed because you are visiting. If you keep pushing the 'but dbro is being told what to do' you will end up looking like the trouble causer.

I don't disbelieve dbro2 - I just don't think he was there for the whole thing, and has assumed a couple of things. I can't imagine my DM stretching the truth so I suspect there has been some confusion on my dbro2's part.

Friend is involved as she flat shares with dbro2, is best friends with SIL (and I) and is practically a part of the family. She was shocked when I told her what SIL had said (as I understood it at the time) and she is even more shocked now that apparently it was dbro1's decision. This is not like him at all.

TBH - I'm going to take a BIG step back and not contact SIL or Dbro1 about any of this. It is 5 months away and really won't affect me as we'll be going regardless of whether they go or not.

I'm sure friend will find out the true story and I'll find out eventually what happened, but I've realised that it doesn't matter right now to me anyway.

I think you have to remember that you chose to live in the UK and leave your family in Australia. Your family didn't have a say in the matter. This can leave relatives feeling hurt and angry that you've split the family up. However, since you had the final say of whether to emigrate or not you want everyone to be happy for you and excited when you make this amazing trip back home. Meanwhile, the relatives which are left feel that you've never taken on board how they have felt about your emigrating so why should they suddenly get excited and make an effort to see you.

For your kids to see each other for a couple of days is nothing compared to how the relationship could of been if you stayed. Perhaps you should sometimes view things from this angle for a change. Yes, you're travelling all these miles to see them but so what. You've split the family up by emigrating 10 years ago.