To think that my SIL is a selfish cow? (long rant....!)

[HMTheQueen]

Backstory: I am Australian and have lived in the UK for 10 years. I have not always had the best relationship with SIL, but as she appears to make my brother happy, I have tried to be nice to her. It does help that she lives on the other side of the world and I only have to see her for a week or so at a time every 1-2 years!

We (my new partner, 2DSS's and my DS) are going to see my family at Easter next year. I suggested to my DM that we might be spending some time visiting some theme parks while we are there, and would the rest of the family (DF, DM, Dbro, SIL, Dneice and Dnephew, and other DBro) would like to come along and spend a couple of days going to the theme parks with the children and generally spending time together.

I suggested we stay at the attached hotel, so less travelling and we can all enjoy a couple of days away together - as a family.

I also suggested we do this on Easter Sunday and Easter Monday as this would be convenient for our travel plans as well as meaning no-one would have to take time off work/school.

I said that if they couldn't afford it not to worry and we would still see them when we go over, so no loss really, but it would be nice to spend time together.

DM said she would speak to DBro, SIL and other DBro and would let me know. She spoke to Dbro and SIL on the weekend. Apparently SIL has said that they won't go as since we've organised it over the Easter weekend it will be too busy with too many people there (totally true - it will be busy but not so much that we won't be able to have fun!). BUT - the main reason they're not going is that it means SIL won't see her family on Easter Sunday.

Sil's parents and sister live 5 minutes from her house. They look after the children for them after school. They speak multiple times a day. They see each other every day and spend every Friday night at her parents house for pizza and a movie. They have spent every Easter and Xmas since my Dbro and SIL got married with her family (much to the detriment of my parents who would also like to spend time with the DGS and their DS and DIL).

AIBU to expect SIL to spend 2 days with me and my family without her family being present - especially when I am giving her 5 months notice and WE ARE TRAVELLING HALF WAY AROUND THE WORLD TO GET THERE?

SIL has also spent a lot of time in emails (and in person when I'm in Oz) telling me that DS should get to spend time with his cousins (ie her DC) and that I am depriving him of his family by living in the UK (guilt trip much?) Now that I am giving DS and DNeice and Dnephew time to spend together, she says no (probably because she wants them to see their cousins on her side - that they see everyday!)

Also - WIBU to tell SIL when I go home and she decides to invite her family to see me (which will happen) that it will be too busy with too many people and I'm there to see my family?

I see where you're coming from dontmind - and I do agree to a certain extent. But my parents would dearly love to help but they are rarely asked and they are always offering.

I do genuinely think SIL prefers her own family. Who wouldn't?

But to the detriment of the relationship with your husbands family and your children's grandparents? For no real reason - it's not like my Dparents are evil or like some of the toxic inlaws on the relationship board.

I think SIL is just a selfish person in that it doesn't occur to her to include my family or exclude her family for any reason.

purple I don't know what you mean!

They're not normally afraid of talking about money - especially if it will get someone else to pay for them (ie my parents). If that were the reason though, I would totally understand and wouldn't grumble at all. If she'd lied and said that I'd totally accept it - but the barefaced preference for her family has really thrown me.

I think I would email and just say that is't a shame she can't spend the day with your family as it's very special to get everyone together and is there any way she can have her family Easter lunch the following weekend instead?

Or join you just for the Monday?

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to spend time with them while you are there but yabu to have presented it as a 'done deal' where you have fixed the days and details of when and what you are going to do without it being a discussion between you all.I would suggest that this might be why she has dug her heels in and said no
If someone put me in that position (particularly someone who didn't much like me and I knew it) I wouldn't feel overly accommodating either tbh

I'd not thought about it that way whoknows. Revelation!!!!!!

I definitely wouldn't be accommodating to her in that way if the roles were reversed I think I might need to apologise to her

I think an email to my Dbro is in order with some suggestions about coming on the Monday instead of both days and possibly apologising.

I really am unreasonable!

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

I'm English, but a lot of my family live in Australia. Because of a very heavy workload etc etc, I don't get out to Australia very often. Last time I did, one of my siblings decided that half way through my visit was the time to take their family from Australia off to the inlaws' holiday house in Italy. That sib guilted me about my dates, claiming that their dates were the only ones they could do because of school terms, but there was a lot more wriggle room actually. But I was the one missing out on seeing my nephews & nieces.

And one of my SiLaws was having her 2nd child and thought that all details of her pregnancy (and whether she would have a "natural" birth instead of a C-SEction -- I said who cares, as long as you & the baby survive and are healthy) should have been far more important to the family at large than the fact that I was there after 5 years' absence.

Bitter, moi?

I think my problem was like someone said upthread -- you travel all that way (I could only afford to go cattle class and it's a long long 30 hours), and your family is more concerned with all the mundane everyday things.

That's OK, of course life goes on, and people have work & school & so on, but when you try to organise a big get together so everyone can have fun, then yes your SiLaw is being VVU. Ungenerous and mean, really.

I'm sure you'll have a great time anyway, and I hope you find a way to ave some good time with just your DBro.

Thanks collie - it's nice to know that other people have the same disheartening experiences as I do when I fly with children in tow too so far and then they can't really be arsed.

I'll definitely remember this when she tries to guilt trip me about living so far away from "family" especially when she doesn't want to spend anytime with us when we are there

I think you BU as you have presented it to her as a done deal by presenting her with a finished plan, rather than seeing what they might have wanted to do or when they wanted to go. As if you really were The Queen!

We went to the QLD theme parks during term time and it was packed. I can't even begin to imagine what it's going to be like at Easter! Perhaps she had it in her head that you would have a nice Easter at home and do something as a family somewhere else at another time and is at being told that Easter is off. Or perhaps she's religious. I suggested a BBQ at the park on Good Friday and one of my friends was furious with me!

I also agree with Ems that people always go on about how the can't wait to see you people!

I'm with whoknows on this one,To me it sounds like a great idea but I think yabu to be pissed off with your sil for declining. You are expecting her to change her plans to meet a family member she never sees on an exact date, in an exact location for a very much pre-planned activity. Personally I would drag my heels also.Going by how you write about her, There definately seems to be some pre-conceived negative opinions of her which may be clouding your judgement.

I totally see where you're coming from adverse - especially as I don't like (but will be nice and tolerate) her family and have been forced to spend time with them in the past!

But as I (and my family) have had to spend time with her family A LOT over the past 11 years or so, can't I expect her to do the same? Or should I tell my family to man up and stop bending to her every whim?

I mentioned this to my mum, as I think someone should stand up to her and let her know how much her actions hurt my family, but my mum doesn't want to rock the boat, as she's afraid there will then be even less contact. From previous experience my SIL is very good at holding a grudge.

She's not religious at all - as an example my brother and her got married at a tourist attraction, so no worries about the religious aspect of Easter there! But I know how Easter can be so important for some people and I totally respect that. I do feel that this is just another way for her to exert her control over a situation that doesn't include her precious family.

I honestly don't think it is about the parks being busy, I know they've take their kids previously during school holidays, and as they've done it before voluntarily I assumed that they'd be happy to do it again. Clearly I was wrong.

HMtheQueen, your SiL sounds rather like one of my SiLs, and is your mother actually mine?

I get a bit cranky at the way my DM is often far more tolerant of behaviour of her daughter in law than her own daughters. It's to do with being afraid of my SiL keeping the DGs from her. Except that my SiL uses my mother as a free childcare machine.

Well, perhaps she just doesn't want to go as she doesn't like you as much as you don't like her. Your mum won't want to fall out with her as she will see her and her grandchildren all the time as they live there and your mum will be more a part of the 'scene' over here.

Gold Coast theme parks + Easter = Hell on earth.

You could have walked from the Artic Circle to visit me and you still wouldn't get me there over Easter.

Instead of getting angry with her, why don't you talk to your brother. You're blaming her for the lack of contact with your parents etc - is your brother incapable of voicing his opinion?

On balance I think yabu. And I see that you know that

I get on ok with my sil's but if either of them offered me the same plan at Easter I would say a flat no. Easter is a lovely, relaxed family time and much as my dc might like a theme park, I would NEVER take them then.

Actually, the whole theme park thing is interesting. My 5 yr old want to go to Disneyland. But I suspect the reality wouldn't be as good in her mind... Queues, huge crowds, expensive drinks/food/tat (which I wouldn't buy but she'd want)....

Anyone really enjoy these places?!

My sil did exactly the same thing. We were over from france for a visit during summer holidays. MIL and FIL had organised a Sunday lunch and tea for whole family but she would only stay for lunch as she wanted to visit her brother the same afternoon. He is single, has no kids and lives nearby.
She deprived all the cousins of a day together as well as deeply hurting grand parents.
I think when family who live far come to visit sometimes it can make others feel quite insecure, don't know why, but that is definitely the case with my SIL and BIL. Whenever we are with PIL either in UK or France there is always some drama going on with them.

If she is religeous then YANBU - it's the main Christian holiday. Otherwise you are being a very thoughtful and kind person.

Well, the plot thickens. I spoke to a friend this morning who spoke to other Dbro (who was there when all this was said) and apparently it was my Dbro who was mostly against it and doesn't want to go. So it appears I do owe SIL an apology and I will not be making any plans that will force them into anything when we go home. I have learnt my lesson.

Thanks for all the help and opinions.

Yes it's unreasonable, but expats don't always realise the world doesn't wait for them to come home.

And theme parks on Easter weekend sound like hell served cold on a plate (but I'm sure that's just me and you'll have a lovely time!)

OP, yhe touble is that when we move away the people left behind just live their lives.

And when we return there's a sense of 'well I'm not vhanging my plans just because she is finally turning up.'

I do get this. Though sometimes it rankles.

I just wish though, that they didn't spend the intervening periods banging on and on about how they don't see me. How they wish they did. How the DC all need to see one another more....

I have a friend who arrived from Tazzie with DC her family had yet to meet and not one of them offered to meet them at the airport (it was a Saturday).

Her brother didn't come to see her (she was staying at her Mum's) until five days into the visit. She had travelled half way round the world, but he was too busy to walk...oh about fifty yards!

I do sometimes think people make a point of not putting themselves out.

Which is fine. Just stop fucking saying you miss us!!!