to be frustrated with in-laws attitude to childproofing?

[PurpleGentian]

Staying at the in-laws with 14 month old DS. Their house is not childproofed, which is understandable, given that they don't have small children around that often. But their lack of understanding about DH & I wanting to temporarily childproof things is getting a bit stressful. It's getting to the point where I don't feel I can take my eyes off DS for a moment unless he's in his cot or highchair.

We've had issues over fireguards, things (ornaments, matches, nail scissors, tiny things that can choke a child) on low tables, dangly tablecloths, looped cords on their blinds, among others. The general impression they give is that they think we're worrying about nothing.

Today, DS got into a backgammon set. I'd not moved this, as it was stored on the floor in what looked like an old briefcase, and I perhaps foolishly thought that it was just an empty old briefcase (in-laws don't throw much away). I noticed just in time to stop him from putting one of the dice into his mouth. When I mentioned this to MIL, her reaction was that it would have caused an awful mess if DS had scattered the pieces all over the floor. My concerns about him choking on the dice were completely dismissed.

I know it's unreasonable to expect them to completely childproof their home for us, but AIBU to expect them to not dismiss our childproofing concerns out of hand? (I possibly am BU, as I'm still a bit shook up by the dice incident)

If you have regular UK sockets, please take the guards out, they make a safe socket, less safe.

I think if you want to baby proof, you can, but if you visit someone, you can't expect them to make allowances, you can however tell your PIL's or other relatives that you won't be able to visit as it's just too stressful.

Our PIL's have considerable more baby proofing than we do (none other than a few sharp corners padded and a very few things moved away) we also give DD considerably more freedom than most people appear to - she's allowed to go upstairs/into other rooms on her own. She can even feed herself from her pots in the fridge.

You have to manage your own decisions on risk and how to manage the baby and their own nature will impact that.

The drawer thing is putting those little latches on so they can't open them or slam their fingers in them. I didn't bother.

How would they make them less safe? DS constantly has wet hands (teething), and he tries to poke his little fingers in the sockets. The guards fill all the holes?

They make them less safe because UK plugs sockets are made to be safe all the time anyway. Unless they are sticking their fingers in all the holes at once, UK plugs are 'off'. The guards switch then 'on' so make them less safe not very clear but you know what I mean.

Here you go.

Huh, thanks for that. We generally have things plugged in anyway and I can't figure out how to get the guards out so don't bother that often but I will remember that.

Didn't realise what I was doing was childproofing all along....

we fix bookcases to the wall because it is safer - we did it before we had kids...

we put our stereo/bluray behind glass because the dust free environment lengthens the life of the device and saves on dusting.

scissors go in my needlework drawer because then I know where they are,

ditto medicines in the medicine cupboard..

BUT

the bleach stayed in the cupboard under the sink, and the oven was unguarded - because the kids did not go into the kitchen till they knew to stay away from them.

When DD was 4 she had a cute bedside table which matched the rest of he furniture.

Unfortunately she also had a tendency to sleep walk because she suffered from night terrors.

It only lasted for a short time but once she stumbled out of bed and hit her face on the bedsde table, resulting in a trip to the local hospital where they had to steri strip her lip and she had to drink through a straw for about a week.

Could barely eat anything only mushed up food.

I did get a few odd looks from the hospitl staff. They thought that she had fallen out of a bunk bed.

I guess wht I am trying to say is that even the most innocent looking household objects can cause damage and you would have to have a completely empty house to prevent all accidents.

Then DC would probably trip over their own feet and bang their head on the floor.

My MIL was the same and I got a sudden insight when I found out that DH used to spend most of his baby days in a playpen. She'd never needed to baby proof her house before.

Yes my bleach is in the under-sink cupboard which is normally blocked by the tumble dryer, and DS is not meant to go in the Kitchen unattended. So of course he spends half the day trying to get in there. He recently learned how to open doors and that was how he made it anywhere near the cupboard with the bleach in (tumble dryer happened to be running at the time therefore cupboard door was open-able). He didn't get as far as having his hands in the cupboard, thank god, as his favourite item that he may not touch ever is the glass cleaner/spray bottles of any sort.

all my cleaning products are under the sink...its never been an issue...the pots and pans are much more fun

dd2 at 18 months can change the cds and dvds..turn u and down etc....saves me doing it. tbf i dont have expensive stuff

Ok so just because some people have told their babies "no you can't do that" doesn't mean they never will. Some child proofing should be done to a degree. I would rather have that peace of mind that I can nip to the toilet without there being scissors or whatever within reach, that even if my child has been told no, doesn't mean they won't try it when parent isn't around.

We haven't babyproofed our own home other than adding stairgates and removing a few of the most fragile ornaments, and I certainly wouldn't expect my parents to change anything in their house when I visit with my twins. It's their house - why should they change it for us? I do keep a close eye on the twins when we're there, but as long as they've got toys and books and a chunk of my attention, they don't make too much trouble.

Sorry if this has already been asked, but if you're so unhappy with their un-chikdproofed house and they won't listen to you, then why are you still spending so much time there?

It depends what it is I think.
children need to learn to function around fires. ornaments etc
but I have been in situations where very dangerous things have been left on the floor and has been met with a belligerent attitude, it annoys me, have we all lost the collective ability to make a room not a death trap?.

I was actually going to suggest giving your parents a playpen that they can have at their house, so your DS can stay in it while you visit. At 14 months a child certainly does not need to explore every room in a house does he?

I laugh in the face of those who say a firm "no" is enough! DS2 has been walking since 9 months (and was crawling before 6m) and at 12m he can now scale any item of furniture he puts his mind to. He puts everything, and I mean everything in his mouth. He makes it his life's work to seek out any items that he should not be touching, be they in drawers, cupboards, other rooms (he is an expert at opening doors). Basically he's a friggin' nightmare! he only way I could make my house completely safe would be to remove everything and replace it with giant soft play cushions.....

But, I have done as much as I can, and I expect my DM and MIL to do the same when we go and visit them as the safety of my DS and their GC is at stake. I'm not asking much, just that small things are removed, poisons locked away etc. I also persuaded MIL to attach her fireguard to the wall as both my DS's loved pulling it over to get to her "companion set" (i.e. a lovely collection of lethal items incl a poker).

When I visit friends i spend my whole time, and I mean the whole time, following DS2 round, taking things out of his hands / mouth, lifting him off things, following him into other rooms he manages to get into at the speed of light, and picking up people's cups of scalding tea of the floor / low coffee table /baby-reaching-height surface as he is magnetically attracted to those too.

OP i'd be incredibly pissed off if my IL's, or anyone else, simply dismissed my concerns re: babyproofing, instead of doing a few simple things to make visits a little less stressful for all concerned.

"We never "babyproofed" anything either. Obviously we keep dangerous stuff out of reach, but other than that we've taught DS to keep away from the fire, etc. He's 3 and still alive. "

You cannot leave an open fire unguarded with small children in the house. That's totally irresponsible and bloody dangerous!

Even if the child knows not to go near the fire, accidents happen. The child can trip and fall into the fire for goodness sake.

I despair at times.

My attitude to this, I think, is influenced heavily by my dhs culture. Where he is from, open cooking fires are common place and life is very much 'out doors' where the environment is less controllable. So, you have to train the kids, and keep a close eye in them...

Only thing I did was put a stair gate up. Never had ornaments (more crap to clean), never had a fire. everything else is up high anyway because well its in within reach.. Never went ott about it, because I go to peoples homes who dont have children, and i would never suggest that they childproof their homes. Instead we kept am eye on lo.

ByTheWay: "the bleach stayed in the cupboard under the sink, and the oven was unguarded - because the kids did not go into the kitchen till they knew to stay away from them"

What do you mean by them not going into the kitchen? Stair gates or a shut door, or were you relying on them remembering that you said no? If the latter, then really you were lucky. Look back to an earlier post of mine to a family, who were not negligent or anything else, who slipped up for less than five minutes (and please, please don't tell me you have never ever been off guard in your own home for that period of time - Mum went to the loo and I assume you also do that?) and who lost their son as a result. He 'knew' not to drink strange things he found. He forgot. He drank bleach (age 2), spent the next five years under constant medical supervision after burning away most of his windpipe, and eventually died after contracting a cold age 7.
I really, really don't understand why you'd risk it.

Having said that, I think although originally you said you just told your kids no, you took basic precautions that meant you could relax a bit and not spend every second following them round and telling them off.
From what I took from the OP, that's all she's asking her ILs to do too, not to sell off every piece of furniture in case of accident.

We all do it, even if not to the same degree - we make things reasonably safe so that we can get on with things like making dinner without worrying that the children are choking/destroying the valuable heirlooms we were planning to take to Antiques Roadshow. You might vary on what you think is 'reasonably safe' based on your knowledge of your own kids, or your home, but I don't believe that no-one does anything or makes any concessions. I'll bet everyone would move scissors out of their toddler's reach, or you'd have a very stressful life full of the word 'no'. I also think playpens were more common - my gran used one for my mum, my mum used one for me, I didn't really use the one I was given for dd other than as a place to keep all her toys. So I did more in terms of making sure the room was safe than my parents or grandparents did, because she was free-ranging more than previous generatiohs had been allowed.

I don't get why this debate becomes between the extremes of 'you must remove everything your child could touch and pad the walls and floor' and 'they must learn, give them access to anything and everything.' (Both of which are used as accusations by people who think someone else is too uptight/lax, not by the 'camps' themselves as far as I can see). I don't think anyone in the real world operates at either end of that scale - we all take a few precautions, some more than others, and a lot of that will depend on what your place is like and what your offspring is like.

babybythesea Im suprised to hear that babies can get the tops off bleach...or do these accidents happen when the bleach has been decanted into another container?

I think some people have gone way overboard on the babyproofing thing here. Yes, it is sensible to ensure certain breakables are out of the way, but the OP cited an example of a backgammon set. Which by its very nature has to be opened up (they tend to have catches on them). You can't really expect someone who doesn't live with children and who has them visit so seldom to put EVERYTHING that a child MIGHT touch, open or put in it's mouth out of the way. You'd have to have almost nothing left in the room!

i agree voice The example Op has given, does sound like she is expecting 'too much' baby-proofing from in Laws IMO

Re bleach etc. I've always had a bottle of bleach and a bottle of limescale remover next to the loo. DD has never given me any cause of concern. She is 7 now and has been 'cleaning the loo' for me for about a year (she likes the disposable toilet brush thing), she swizzes bleach around the loo, gives it a scrub and flushes the scrubby thing. She still can't get the top off the bleach without help. I've never hidden or locked away cleaning products. Oh and medicines have always been in a box in my bedroom, but the box is not locked - it's just not something DD has gone looking for.

Again I think it depends very much on the child and the type of parenting. I wouldn't say I was slack or anything, but I suppose I do take 'risks' that other parents wouldn't, and I am a firm believer in children needing to 'learn' how to fall, bump etc. A friend of mine was horrified, properly mouth-open-chin-on-floor horrified when she saw DD using a sharp knife to cut a cucumber (aged about 3). I doubt her children are allowed to use sharp knives even now aged 6 & 7 (FWIW DD has never cut herself). My friend, I know, thinks I am too relaxed, I think she is too uptight, but we muddle along fine.