About calling my mum when I give birth?

[honeytea]

I think I probably am BU, or at least over reacting.

I'm due to give birth in 4 weeks me and my DP have asked our parents if they want to know when we go into hospital and when the baby is born, PIL want to know as soon as we go into hospital as they are going to drive down to be with us as soon as I'm in labour, it's an 1000 km journy so it's likely they will get to us just after the baby is born. I asked my mum if we should call her to let her know we were going into hospital and when the baby is born even if it is the middle of the night, she wasn't too kean on us calling in the night time, she said we could call the day after when they are awake, I think she realised I was a little upset that she didn't want to know news asap and she said oh you will be too busy to call us once the baby is born, call after 7 AM. I don't expect my mum to come and visit us as soon as the baby is born, we live in another country, she is coming to us for christmas which is very kind of her.

I just feel really sad that no one will be thinking about me whilst I'm in labour, I couldn't imagine not wanting to know if my grown up child was going through labour, and I'd want to know asap if I had a grandchild. I'm getting so upset about it.

Is it normal to call as soon as the baby is born? what have other families done?

The other issue is my DP is talkingabout how he is looking forward to putting a photo of our new baby on facebook and how proud he will be, I don't have an issue with this at all but I'd feel so sad if random people that I went to primary school/worked for the summer/met whilst traveling see our baby before my family.

I really hope I feel like this because of pregnancy hormones, I'm sobbing and feel so silly.

My parents and brother and his family live in Dubai but flew home for the birth of my dd (as did my brother who wasnt married at time)
My mum was at birth (c-section) and my brother and dad were in corridor waiting for hours.

My mum was also at the birth of my brothers little girl at the request of my SIL, and me and my daughter was out in dubai for the birth and waiting at hospital for the birth, the only reason my mum missed the birth of their boy last december was because my mum was over in uk with me.

I wouldn't want to tell anyone I was in labour. With dd1 I started labour at 1am. She was born 7am the following morning after 30 hours of labour.

I don't think it would have benefitted any parent/pil knowing that I was in labour at 1am. Would have stressed me out though knowing that they were waiting.

When ds was born at 1am, we waited until morning to tell people. If we'd called as soon as we were ready, it would have been about 4am (time I went home) so waiting another 3-4 hours wasn't really a problem for us, and saved giving people a shock hearing the phone go in the middle of the night (something I really hate).

Oh and I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your dp to hold off with the fb photos until you've told your dm. It'll only be a few hours. Tell him people like the speculation anyway...

My parents, and my inlaws would have gone completely crazy if we hadnt called as soon as dd was born. They all knew I had gone into labour because I had been admitted to hospital the previous day with high blood pressure and due to be induced. My contractions started in the morning and I had to kick my parents out during visiting hours because they were coming thick and fast! We called them at 3am to tell them that she had been born. they had been awake all night and my mum had been texting my hubby for most of it for an update. It was my parents first grandchild though so I dont know if that makes a difference? We left updating facebook until the next day so that grandparents could tell other family if they wanted. I understand why you are upset completely. x

But your mum does want to know, OP.

She´s abroad & coming over at Christmas-that´s not going to change whenever you call her.

ILs are going to start driving-that´s why they want to know.

You could say that they are being selfish & why not wait until baby is born before setting off?

As for thinking of you whilst in labour-isn´t having your husband with you enough?

ILs probably won´t even be thinking of you-just of seeing their GC!

If you don't want the facebook pics up then don't tag anyone except your family in them....as soon as you know everyone that matters has seen the baby, then you can announce it properly.

Don't fret...enjoy this time and phone your mum in the day. Congratulations on the baby to come.xx

Everyone knew when I went in to be induced with my second, and due to a lot of factors, things took too long and we ended up with a section. My poor parents were worried sick!

With my third child, I went into early labour and the first my parents knew was a phone call from me telling them "Its a girl".

I would much prefer the second scenario for them.

people are different, my parents knew when i was in labour, that was their choice and we called them as soon as baby arrived (all five times) even in the middle of the night.

my mil didnt want to know and we werent to ring if it was after 10pm at night or before 7am in the morning, she didnt see the point in being woken for the news! she was still thrilled each time just didnt want a middle of the night phone call.

as it was ds1 was born at 9:30pm so she knew asap,
ds2 was born at 7am so she knew asap,

ds3 was born at 5am so we waited a few hours to call.

ds4 was born just after midnight so we waited till the morning to call her.

dd was born at 3am so we waited till the morning to call her.

all other family members got a phone call or txt withing minutes of arrival :)

interestingly i didnt mind her not knowing i was inlabour and th eonly family members that kenw i was in labour where my parents, i didnt want people worrying, we just called to let them know baby had arrived and all was fine, told them gender, weight etc :)

I'm not telling my mum this time until its all over this time as last time she panicked and kept phoning the ward every ten minutes asking (and I'm not kidding) if I had died. As soon as DS was born, before he even had a chance to have his first milk, a nurse popped her head round the door and asked me to ring her.

I did, and she was sobbing her heart out on the phone. Now she tells everyone that my labour was the worst day of her life.

Next time, I'm not telling her til it's all over.

sissy i was induced all 5 times and i didnt want people worrying, it can be a long process, it was fine my parents knew (for ds3 and dd they were doing childcare for the others) and obviously our friend who was doing childcare the other times knew but that was it, didnt tell anyone else, i didnt want people worrying.

op maybe your mum doesnt want to worry, it must be hard for both of you that she is in a different country etc and maybe this helps her to cope? she will just get th egood news of the arrival and not be panicked by a middle of the night phone call?

We didn't tell anyone I'd gone into labour with any of mine (except the person coming to look after dc1, then dc1 and dc2). Announcement was that our lovely children had arrived safe and well. They can't do anything about your labour, so there's little point in everyone worrying IMO.
I'd certainly ensure that no-one put anything on Facebook or other social media until I'd told the people close to me though.
I wouldn't phone anyone until at least 6.30 am ish though - if baby arrives in the early hours, you have a speccial few hours where just you and dh are aware. It's lovely.
When the time comes for me to become a Grandparent, I hope my dcs think the same as me.

YANBU. Something like this depends entirely on the family dynamic, really. My mum said she didn't want to know until the baby was born as, having had two other DGC already, she found it stressful waiting and worrying, which was fair enough. But when it came to it I was in such a long labour that she'd called to check on me anyway, so she did know, and then kept phoning for updates

Everyone reacts differently when they are in labour. Some people are happy with just their DP/DH and want to retreat into their own world, other people want to share what's happening. Neither response is unreasonable. You're not wrong to feel like this.

Maybe it is that she doesn't want to worry, i have never been to hospital and was a very easy teanager and young adult so she has really never had any worries about me, maybe she doesn't know how she will cope with the worry.

She will have to work the day after and my dsis will have to go to school so I can see that it might be anoying to have a night time call.

The level of excitment is not very high and I do understand, my mum has her own child, this baby is the 1st biological grandchild but she has adopted/foster grandchildren (it's a unusual family set up) so there are loads of kids in my family it's not like my DP's family where this baby is the 1st baby for 10 years and long awaited.

My DP is very much looking forward to meeting the baby and he will be so happy and proud, I just need to remember that the 3 of us is what matters and anyone elses excitment is just a bonus :)

I´m sure she´ll be excited even though there are other youngsters around-but life does carry on in the mean time.

Work & school make the not phoning late/early just sensible really.

I can´t help thinking it´s the "younger generation" who want to know every detail immediately.

Time for the three of you will be precious-especially if ILs will be staying straight away.

I didn´t tell anyone with the first as I didn´t want them to worry or to come to the hospital before I was ready to see them.

We had an issue with my mil before my first delivery. She heard the due date, wangled 2 weeks off work (she's a teacher, this was in term time) and planned to arrive the day before I was due and stay 2 weeks. Sh even booked flights (NI to Scotland). I wanted my dad to be the first grandparent to meet my baby, he'd looked after me and my siblings on his own when my mum left, we've always been very close. Dh also thought mil was being ridiculous, so he called her and told her to cancel.
She was "so devastated" that "we didn't want her there" that she took several days off work and cried.
As it happened, dd1 was a bit early and she'd have missed the birth. My labour was prolonged and tiring and ended in a ventouse and almost 10lber! She was born on the Sunday, I had 3 days in hospital, a couple of days at home just me, dh and dd1, then my dad and dsm arrived on the Friday. Mil got to come for a few days ( NOT 2 weeks!) after they left.
I think there's a little bit of her that's never quite forgiven me for this. We asked her to come first when ds was born 2 years later.

I still can't quite imagine the gall it took to get time off an book flights before she had been invited!

Dear Honeytea,of course she cares and is so apprehensive and excited.We had the same with Dd and I never slept the whole night,counting every minute with worrying.Dd's electiveC-section during the day on one continent,early hours for us and dawn for vigilant family on another continent.Skype is your friend as we were astonished to see her in theatre, holding the tiny,with her Dh in scrubs and staff waving to us.Better than any visiting hour!Technology astounding...can you perhaps do this for her? She wouldn't mind being woken up with your wonderful news ,I assure you .Good luck and best wishes!

We told my mum when I was in labour and it took so long that she was there in the last stages - not in the room mind. She had somehow managed to get on to the ward and was outside the door trying to get in. The midwife kept having to usher her out whilst I was trying to push the baby out!

My dad on the other hand did what your mum wants - just said to ring him in the morning. At first it hurt but then I realised that actually he would be worrying about me all night when he couldn't actually do anything about it until the morning so he was just trying to spare himself that if it makes sense? It meant then that I would have had a few hours to recover (if my mum hadn't acted like she did!). In the hours after DD was born it was nice to know my dad wasn't worrying about me in the end. That may be what your mum is doing? Particularly if she can't get to you.

I think it's a bit odd and detached that she wouldn't want to know as soon as you had given birth, but then again I'm very close to my parents and wouldn't occur to me to wait until a "suitable hour".

I have to admit to being pretty shocked that my MIL stipulated that she wanted to be called at any hour when our DC's were on the way. She's lovely but a bit stand-offish, I didn't think that it would have mattered to her.

When I had pfb,DS1, my mother made me promise that I would phone her the moment that I started, as she wanted to be there for the birth, I was home birth that took 36hr, so I suppose that was what she was going on.

she knew she would take her at least nine hours to get to me(different country),

I went in to labour a fortnight early, woke up, had baby within five minutes,waters came behind him, so when DS1 dad phone mother, he had to try and explain why, she thought I had had an extreme emergency birth, on purpose, she did arrive eight hours later, and love DS immediately.

I do wish it had worked out as planed as she died a few years later, so DS was the only grand child she ever met.

I hate knowing when someone else is in labour, I get really stressed, unless I'm there with them, then I am fine and apparently a great birth partner, but if I know someone is in labour I worry like mad(and I'm not a worrier), to point of pain. everyone is different.

I don´t think it´s a matter of being close or not tbh.

She has a young child to get to school & a job to go to herself.

I wouldn´t have dreamed of disturbing my parents when I knew that they´d be in bed.

It´s not as they would be coming to see me until the next day anyway.

I told my mother with DS1 as she was my birthing partner and also with my next 3 as she was the on-call babysitter, but after we moved it was my MIL who got the phone call for the last one. No-one else was told until after the babies were born. Ask her if she minds if you ring her, if you feel you need to talk to her. As for facebook, it would be a BIG no no for me until everyone that I actually gave a damn about had been told either in person/ on the phone or at least had an email. One thing, my DH would rather stick pins in his eyes than go on facebook !

When my 4th was born, at 05.45, I forgot to tell my parents for 12 hours. Genuinely forgot. They were really unpleasant, esp my dad, about the 4th baby, throughout the prgnancy - well, after 20ish weeks when i told them. And it slipped my mind with everything else, other DCs visiting, baby in SCBU, me needing a kip. And possibly subconsciously I felt if they couldn't be kind and supportive while their dd was with child, they could bloddy wait for the news. I did say to Dh to tell his family but leave me to tell mine, hence the delay. For me it was important to tell my Ps myself as previously DH had done so, and I knew this baby was my last one. For once DH listened! We also din't tell them I was in labour - when dad phoned we said I was resting and coudn't come to the phone. Everyone is different. For me I needed to regain some control of a basically unhappy situation. I was thrilled with the baby, as were the big DCs and DH.

OP, can you explain to DP how you feel about photos being circulated? Can you make sure your mum gets photo sent to her first? before FB.

Yy this thread just shows how everybody is different.

I'm now 38 weeks with DC2. My parents live on the other side of the world and I haven't even asked them when they would like to be told; as far as I'm concerned they will get a call once the baby is born (assuming it's a decent hour where they are).

From a practical point of view, I think I would not be that keen to get a phone call at 1am to hear that someone close to me had gone into labour, because I would be rather worried and am not the sort that could just roll over and go back to sleep. And while some first labours are very fast, and some are like mine and are about 8 to 10 hours, others go on for a couple of days.

We will be telling my ILs once I'm in labour as they live in the same country and will be coming over to look after DC1. The rest of our local family will hear once the baby is born. That's been the case with both of my nephews, we were told once it was a fait accompli.

Right now my father is driving me mad calling me every few days to ask if there is "any news". Dad I am not even close to my EDD yet. I think it's lovely that he is so excited (especially with this being his 5th grandchild), but I wish he would just accept that we will call him as soon as the baby is born! It's not like we will forget ... "Oh yes Dad, I've been meaning to let you know!" And yet some others would be upset if they didn't get constant phone calls to check in. I guess life would be pretty boring if we were all the same

Haha, and my post crossed with Baskets saying that she DID forget!

It will be my DP's job again this time anyway, last time I gave him a list of 3 people & numbers to call, so if he forgets it will be on his head

I hated having to let parents know I was in labour but you have to really with any baby after number 1 as needed the babysitting.

Hated hated it as felt like a watched pot.

I wouldn't ever wake anyone in the night with any news unless absolutely had to as that's a bit selfish.

When you are in labour you won't care who knows and who doesn't.

To be honest it's very important to just be together the 3 of you for a while and shut the world out.. Especially parents, in laws, friends and definatly the Internet...