The hypocrisy is killing me...

[JazzyTheSnowman]

OK, so I suffered badly with PND. Turned into post natal psychosis and I started hearing voices. It was a massively low point in my life but I'm through it now thank God.

Throughout the whole 11 months I suffered, my MIL was an utter bitch. I should "get over it", "stop my bitching" and "give it up because we all know you're pretending". DP defended me to the last but she was just unstoppable. I heard her refer to me as a frothy-mouthed psycho more than once...

You get the gist...

Well now the darling has been diagnosed with early onset menopause, and is expecting the whole world to stop for her. She's milking it for all it's worth and expecting me and DP to wrap her in cotton wool because of it.

Would I be unreasonable to tell her to "get over it" and to "grow the fuck up" because I think she's "pretending"??? I mean, she's going through a tough time I grant you, but I was going through something just as bad and had nought but abuse!!!

Rant over.

Hmmm.....it might explain why she was a bitch to you though.....if she is normally pleasant?

You would not be unreasonable, but you don't sound like it would make you happy. Probably better to retain the moral high ground and offer help and support.

Turn the heating up when she comes round though.

I heard her refer to me as a frothy-mouthed psycho more than once This would mean that I would have a difficult time with her until she'd tried to understand why it's so damn offensive. FWIW I had a spell of bad mental health (ongoing psychosis) and my family joked about it, as it helped us all to come out the other side but that comment makes me . Glad that your DP defended you though!

I'd be desperately uninterested in her menopause. Not bitchy just uninterested - and what can you and your DP actually do to help? Or maybe that should be phrased as: what does she think you should be doing

I wouldn't want to be around someone who treated me like that ever again. I wouldn't comment on her menopause because it wouldn't be on my radar, and if my DH continued to be around her I would have to think carefully about whether to be around him any more either. My own family treated me pretty badly when I had depression (though not as badly as this) and as a result I hardly see them any more. I just don't trust them.

Wow. The things she said are pretty extreme, I see where you're coming from.

I think you should say it to her plainly: does she not remember what she said to you when you had a very serious illness? And does she not realize this is making it very hard for you to be sympathetic as you are still hurting?

It sounds as if she needs to hear it straight.

To be honest, I don't know if she's been like this all the time, but DP has said that whilst she's been worse in the last few years, she had always been a bit close-minded.

DP I could never leave - just want to make that utterly clear. He stood by me every step of the way and at one point his mum upset me so much they didn't speak for ages. He just refused to see her til she apologised, which she eventually did.

He sounds great, your DP. I guess she brought him up so she can't be all bad, but it's hard to see!

In your shoes I wouldn't stoop to her level and be nasty to her, I would just completely ignore her.

I think this is best dealt with internally, and with a quiet, dignified sense of vindication. Playing silly tit-for-tat games by crowing at her will just make everyone miserable, and most of all your DH. Just rise above it and silently gloat. She sounds like a cow, so in your situation I would just refuse to acknowledge that she was unwell in any way and cut off her attention oxygen, but I would not sink to her level and start being a bitch about it.

And wrt the "turn the heating on" idea - I get very bad joints if I'm not warm, so it isn't even like she has a leg to stand on if she DOES want us to turn it down ;-)

Sounds like she's one of those people who just doesn't want other people's illnesses to inconveniently intrude on their lives.

I would fantasise about saying all those things to her, but would publicly retain the moral high ground and be quietly supportive. You and DH can rant about her in private!

You need to make it clear to her that unlike her, you were ill. Menopause is not an illness.

First of all, sorry to hear you had such a horrible time at the hands of your MIL but glad to hear you're feeling better.

The fact that you're asking on here suggests that this isn't behaviour that would come naturally to you...so why lower yourself to that old bitch's standards ? As others have suggested, remain completely distant and not in the least bit interested when she startes to moan about hot flushes or whatever else. Sit back with a smug smile and be content to think to yourself "Serves you right you old bag...." What goes around comes around and all that.

If my mother ever gets properly ill I will the first to tell her that she's just doing it to worry me, and that I am sooo upset about it, and that it would be better for her to stop talking about it.

Totally and utterly petty and childish but I will enjoy every bit of it.

I wouldn't normally say anything, I'm about as non-confrontational as you can get, but in recent months I've realised that she's just a humongous bully and the satisfaction I get from thinking up nice little quips is really soothing. I've just still got a lot of anger that she's fostered, would be nice to just get rid of it.

I'm liking the "sit back and look smug" idea

I would keep my mouth very firmly shut, in your shoes. No bitchy remarks, no subtle digs...

But, equally, no sympathy or fuss or in fact any allowances whatsoever. Brisk and cheerful demeanour "Come on, MIL, dgc wants you to push him on the swing! Off you go, now"

Yikes, how blisteringly unsupportive of her. I agree with others, tit-for-tat probably isn't the solution, but you certainly don't owe her any support or compassion just now! Maybe on a very bad day when she was moaning I'd be tempted to mutter, "Yes it's hard when your health does things that are out of your control, isn't it?"

Silly woman. Wouldn't it be lovely if the solution to PND/psychosis was to pull yourself together?

Glad to read that you're feeling better and that your DP has been thoroughly supportive.

I think I am a little bit in love with your DP, but could easily stab your evil MIL!!

I would say, just ignore her as much as possible without creating drama. Be the better person, it is a better thing for you in the long term!!

FreudianLisp - it would be brilliant if it were just a case of "pull yourself together". I would have cried with happiness had the solution been that simple lol!

As it is, it took 3 different tablets and 6 months of therapy!

Next time she moans why not just say "to be honest - you are being very hypocritical considering the way you treated me when I was going through something far worse at a very vulnerable time in my life - I really think you should have a good think about your behaviour"

don't lower yourself to her level.

But when she starts moaning say things like '
Are you sure they said EARLY onset, are you sure?'

She will soon shut up.

mutny has the right idea

Why has none of you mentioned HRT? The MIL would be sweetness and light if she started to take one of the variety. I went to my GP with loss of memory and he prescribed HRT in my late 40s. My life completely changed when I started to take it and I never even noticed the menopause

Took it for about 7 years.

I seem to remember DP saying that she refused HRT because she "didn't want some spin-doctor fraudulently monkeying about with her body"...