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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the b**tch here?

29 replies

Dryjuice25 · 04/11/2012 17:11

MIL visited her son who I'm separated from. We live 8 hours drive away. I have asked her to let me know in advance so I can facilitate her seeing the kids. She didn't inform me of her visit and DP precipitated this on me just hours before she came.

I had other plans for my dcs, so I texted to say shame they won't see her due to short notice to which no response was given. I proceeded with what I had planned for dcs but they did see her briefly(30 min) at her son's house and I know she expected to see them longer than that .

This is the 2nd time this happened( but I dropped everything the last time and she spent hours with them). But this time she had to learn a lesson.I don't care not to be informed if they visit when dp has the dcs, only if I am expected to drop plans for her.

I feel blindsided and disrespected. MIL is not keen on me and I struggle to reconcile her disrespect for me and her love for her grandchildren. I worry about how my dcs will perceive this relationship. (I'm not comfortable for people who dislike me spending time with my dcs). DCS like visiting MIL's place for a few days and she is happy to have them(Ages 7 and 5).

Was I unreasonable to go to this free activity with dcs than spend time with grandparents who they don't see often, just on principle?
Can I stop dcs's visits to dgp's house on the basis of my cold relationship with them(they can see them here) as I'm uncomfortable with this?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 04/11/2012 17:21

YANBU to drop your plans, on your weekend, last minute, although if your children would have preferred to see their DGPs then it's just spiteful to all concerned.

You would be VVVVVVVU to attempt to sever the relationship between your children and exMIL. What on earth is wrong with you?

Original poster
Dryjuice25 · 04/11/2012 17:35

Damn- the dcs relationship with them is important I know but I don't trust them not to make snide comments about me to the dcs, which I would hate. We used to get along before I separated from her son but her loyalties are with him not me and things have been "unpalatable" and awkward between us

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 04/11/2012 17:37

Agree with both Bamboos points, this is about you not your children, it'd be better if you tried to keep them out of the shit that might be going on around them.

You might have trouble in the future if you only let your DC see people who you know for sure like you, it's a bit of an odd criteria to decide where your DC go.

It is totally up to you if you don't want to make a special effort for them to see your ex-MIL, it's up to your ex H if he wants to sort it (with reasonable time beforehand), but you have to think of how your DC will view your decision when they're 18/25/30 YO, will they be happy you stopped them seeing their GM?

PickledFanjoCat · 04/11/2012 17:37

Agree, you are right to want notice but yes I think you would be wrong to deny them
A relationship with grandparents.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/11/2012 17:42

Do you have a reason to believe they'll badmouth you to your dc? I don't much respect the mother of my dgs but would never dream of saying anything negative about her anywhere near his hearing.

LindyHemming · 04/11/2012 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 04/11/2012 17:44

Oh, and I don't think you're being a 'bitch', it's totally understandable you don't want them to spend time with them.

DamnBamboo · 04/11/2012 17:46

Do you have evidence that she has made these comments? Is she the kind of person who would want to upset and damage her own GC by making nasty comments about their mother, just to get back at you?

izzywizzyisbizzy · 04/11/2012 17:49

Yes you are wrong, so was she - but 2 wrongs don't make a right and from what you say they would enjoy seeing her but don't get a chance often.

socharlotte · 04/11/2012 18:06

It depends what the activity was I guess.
But actually I think it is very unkind and unreasonable not to let your DC see their GPs when they have travelled so far.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 04/11/2012 18:09

I don't think its odd at all to not want your children to spend time with people who don't like or respect you.

DamnBamboo · 04/11/2012 18:11

strawberry how would you rationalise the relationship between the children of the many women on here who don't like their MILs then?

Pixel · 04/11/2012 18:12

I don't think it would hurt them to give decent notice though would it? I doubt they make an eight hour journey on a whim.

Narked · 04/11/2012 18:19

Today you weren't unreasonable at all. If it's an eight hour journey it wasn't a spur of the moment thing, and she ignored your request to let you know in advance so the DC were free. It's the second time she's done it, you dropped everything and made the DC available last time and you even took them for half an hour this time.

If you were to interfere with them staying at her home, you would be being unreasonable. If she says anything negative about you to them or in their presence then it would be fair enough to cut unsupervised access - it's horrible for DC to have their parent disparaged. Until she actually does that, let them see her.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 04/11/2012 18:19

I don't particularly like my mil but she makes an effort, respects me and is generally nice to me. I would not want my dd to see her grandma treat her mum like crap and be able to get away with it....that would be damaging to her and our relationship.

Shakirasma · 04/11/2012 18:21

OP, my DD's dad and his wife used to make unkind comments about me to DD. All this achieved is to damage his relationship with her, it had no effect whatsoever on me and DD.

So do not worry about what the exPILS may say to the kids, especially it's not even happened yet.

Narked · 04/11/2012 18:22

Basically, she doesn't have to like you -or you her - but she has to respect her Grandchildren enough not to slag off their mother to them.

orangeone · 04/11/2012 19:26

I grew up listening to my grandmother, father and stepmother bitch about my mother on the monthly visits throughout my childhood despite the reason my parents had spilt was after my fathers affair, which I was well aware of at the age of 6.
The only result was that I grew up hating them and loving my mother even more. As an adult now, I think she was a very strong and amazing women to have allowed access to continue in these circumstamces (which she was aware of) for the sake of me developing the somewhat fragile but at least existent relationship I now have with my father and my child has with her grandfather.

YANBU about today though. They need to give you fair notice for access as this is very disruptive for children otherwise.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/11/2012 19:26

The MIL has to respect the OP enough to give her good notice of arrival and plans.

It is completely unreasonable to expect the OP to drop any plans that she has because of the MIL.

If this was the ExH it would be considered just another way to control the OP.

Original poster
Dryjuice25 · 05/11/2012 14:33

Thank you all for your replies. I will keep pushing for notice until the message gets home. I suppose it's a bit unreasonable to ban visits to hers.

Agent - thanks for that advice as it gave me food for thought. And really it's not wholly about me I suppose.

Orangeone- that happened to me too. It was distressing to hear my GM disrespect my mum , basically stabbing her in the back. Never told mum as I felt like protecting her from this nasty woman so I fear my kids going through the same thing.

MIL tends to want to play the victim. She has done this in the past. Also has gossiped about other people in the past so I don't trust her.

OP posts:
lisaro · 05/11/2012 14:49

The first two paragraphs I agreed totally with you. After that you left me feeling that yes, you are also at fault, and a bit paranoid. Don't drop things for her, definitely, but do get a grip as well. Trying to stop you spending time with your kids? Disrespect? Way overreacting.

Original poster
Dryjuice25 · 05/11/2012 14:57

Lisaro, I agree I might be paranoid but am usually quite reasonable, hence trying to get help to do the right thing by the dcs. I only feel like this because I know what she is capable of..

OP posts:
lisaro · 05/11/2012 16:10

Ok, so you know she brings that out in you, fair play to you, dryjuice but don't let it alter your behaviour negatively. And again, certainly don't drop anything you have planned for her.

Jusfloatingby · 05/11/2012 16:29

YANBU to ask for a bit of notice in case you have plans. YABU to think of depriving your MIL from having the children to her own place. That can often mean a lot to grandparents; they really love seeing their DGC feeling happy and at home in their house. It can also be an important part of your DCs childhood memories when they grow up.

Ithinkitsjustme · 05/11/2012 16:37

It can also be a godsend to you when you need a break Grin. seriously, I've said enough on this forum about my own MIL in th epast for people to know that there is no love lost between us, however I would never stop her seeing her grandchildren and I have to trust that much as she dislikes me she loves her grandchildren and wouldn't do/ say anything to hurt them. I don't think YABU to refuse to change your plans when you had requested notice in th e past.