To not want my 4yo DD to go to an evangelical church?

[CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger]

XDH and I split almost 2 years ago, he is Roman Catholic by birth (he comes from South America and is what I call a lax follower, i.e. says the words but doesn't live the life) and I am Atheist.

When we split we agreed he would have her every other weekends, and he has occasionally taken her to church with him duringthese weekends. I didn't really have an issue with this as I was told that she was going to the local Catholic church and I felt that she'll come to her own conclusions when she's old enough.

I've now found out that his mother moved to an Evangelical church some time ago and XDH and DD have been going to these with her instead and it really doesn't sit right with me; from what I can gather from anecdotal evidence and what I've read, it it is just one step to far in the direction of brainwashing for my liking.

"Unless you have very good reasons to believe that going will be damaging to your DD then you can't really start imposing rules on what her father can and can't do with her."

I disagree, and I think the courts do too.

Bringing a child up in a particular religion has to be a joint decision by the parents, not a unilateral one.

This child was not an evangelical Christian while her parents were together and it's not her father's (or mother's) place to unilaterally DDR IDE that now she's going to be one.

I think YABU too. While she is with her Dad, he is just as entitled to take her to his Church, as you are entitled to not take her anywhere when it's your weekend. As you mention the language, then maybe this is also a cultural opportunity to enable your dd to experience the language and culture of her Dad's family and background - what a great opportunity for her!
As others have said, you simply both need to agree to be polite about each others belief / lack of belief, and let her make up her own mind when she is old enough.

Nobody is making a decision about what faith the child has. What is being done is both parents are exposing the child to their own faith which there is no reason shouldn't happen.

If the father was insisting on her being baptised I would agree with you but all he is doing is taking her to his place of worship.

You can only really dictate what your Ex does with your DD, if you are happy for him to be able to dictate what you do with her. After all you are her Mother, he is her father.
As an christian who attends an Evangelical Church with her three children I am supprised and a bit offended that another church would be ok, but not an evangelical one.
But if you're worried look up their website, our church has previous sermons that can downloaded as well as a statement of faith which explains who we are and what we believe.

"What is being done is both parents are exposing the child to their own faith which there is no reason shouldn't happen."

That is disingenuous bullshit.

The OP is an atheist. She doesn't have a faith to "expose" her child to.

The child was not being raised to believe in any god. Now she is regularly attending Christian worship.

You don't have to be baptised for that to have an enormous, and potentially very damaging, influence on the child.

Indeed the church will do its damnedest to make the influence as significant and as long lasting as possible.

This is not like parents who support different football teams. It's about a fundamental approach to life's big questions and you don't just pop by and have a little taste to see if you like it and then muck about with atheism the rest if the time.

Rubbish your basically saying then that if one parent is atheist their views should over ride everything. How is that right it fair?

Take out the word "fai". Put in the phrase "set of beliefs". Rerun.

Atheism is a set of beliefs (an umbrella term for many different beliefs with the common theme of a belief that there is no deity or deities) to which an atheist parent will expose their child. Atheist beliefs generally require no element of preaching to non-atheists but my experience online and in the media is that actually atheists are some of the most hard-preaching of all!

"fai" = "faith". Not fair. I cannot type on the iPad for toffee.

No, I'm saying that the parents must make a joint decision about what kind if religion (if any) their child will be raised with.

The decision made when the parents were together was not that this child would attend regular evangelical worship, and that should endure now regardless of the fathers new faith.

Both parents have equal right to expose the child to their beliefs. The child can make their own decision when they grow up.

You can't begin to say one parents set of beliefs are more valid than the others. BOTH parents need to respect the differences and encourage the child to question and make their own decision in time

Atheism is not a set of beliefs.

It's a lack of belief in a god.

That there are some preachy Dawkinite atheists who give the rest if them a bad name and don't appear to understand their own position doesn't change that.

"You can't begin to say one parents set of beliefs are more valid than the others."

I'm not.

I'm saying the exact opposite.

I'm saying that both parents must agree to how a child is raised in terms of religion.

Neither should get to start "exposing" a child to beliefs the other objects to.

Religious belief is not a buffet to be sampled in childhood (when most impressionable) and then decided on in adulthood.

Don't quite get this. The atheist parent had no problem with child going to a catholic church, but does have a problem with an evangelical church? So this is an issue with the type of church rather than an issue with what the child does when visiting the father? How can an atheist have a preference for one church over another?

Child will make its own decisions in life when its old enough to. Does this scenario for joint decisions boil down to every area of child's life. For instance which restaurant they eat at. I'm a vegetarian I don't like child going to a burger bar? Same principle. You shouldn't dictate what your child does with its other parent unless its unsafe or illegal. Treat your ex with dignity he deserves. He's taking child to a church, not a drugs den or pub with mates.

Don't understand how atheists can state a preference over churches

I have a question from a different point of view....

My DBIL and DSIL both attended a church with their DD's. They have seperated, DSIL no longer attends church.

When my DBIL has the children he takes them to church, when my DSIL has the children she doesn't take them to church.

While they were together they made the joint decision to raise their children by taking them to church and knowing about God.

Should my DSil still take the children to church every week, as that was the decision that they made, or should people just accept that situations change, and she has the right not to take them to church on a Sunday, just as he has the right to take them to church on a Sunday.

"How can an atheist have a preference for one church over another?"

So because someone doesn't believe in any god, they can't have an opinion about the different types of religious worship or articles of faith?

So Scientology, Mormonism, Jainism, Society of Friends, Jehovah's Witnesses, Islam... they are all meant to be the same to an atheist?

Why?

I'm not an atheist, but I would have a big problem with my child being "exposed" to Scientology by anyone, including their father. But he could take them to Quaker meetings every day if he wanted.

Not all religions are as shit as all others.

What a bizarre idea.

Bosgrove - I think that she should still be respectful if their religion.

Depending on what the children want that might (or might not) involve taking them to church.

But it would be unfair of her (IMO) to express hostility to the way they are being raised.

When she is with her dad he is in charge.YABU

Exactly happy.

That's prejudiced and narrow minded to say quakers are okay and scientologists are not - unless you have deeply studied the beliefs of both denominations. If you do not believe in any god whatsoever you cannot have an unbiased opinion into either denomination as according to your beliefs the god they worship doesn't exist.

I think there are far more things to worry about in life than this.

I too think you might have the messages given out in different denominations a bit confused.
The Catholic Church has traditionally been very much hellfire and damnation - hence the need for confession, so I think you maybe need to do a bit more research about the messages she will be hearing at this particular Church before you worry too much. And I write this as an Atheist.

"If you do not believe in any god whatsoever you cannot have an unbiased opinion into either denomination as according to your beliefs the god they worship doesn't exist."

Bollocks. I don't believe in Father Christmas or in the bogeyman who lives under the bed and eats naughty little boys, but I am entitled to my opinion on which of those you are allowed to tell my children about.

You can think that both are equally untrue but that they are not equally damaging to hear about.

That might have something to do with the fact that most adults know that Father Christmas or bogeymen under beds don't actually exist, whereas we know that Catholics, Jews, Evangelists, etc do exist.

I don't know a great deal about the Catholic church or the Quakers, Scientologists and quite a few others, but I do respect their opinions and beliefs.

I would also like to believe my ex partner had my daughter's interests at heart and was not endangering her to anything unsafe or illegal, and I think attendance is church would be the least of my worries

"If you do not believe in any god whatsoever you cannot have an unbiased opinion into either denomination as according to your beliefs the god they worship doesn't exist."

:o

But if you belief in a god that will make you impartial on the matter? :o

Of course it will. Yes.

Well, I don't respect Scientologists' beliefs.

The idea that beliefs should be respected regardless of what they are is really fucking weird.

Many / most evangelical churches are lovely, but a very few will leap from "behaviour of which we disapprove" to "demonic possession" at the drop of a hat, and I'm assuming that no-one on this thread would be happy with their 4 year old being exposed to that? The "We have a mission to go and convert the heathens" element can also be problematic. If I were the OP I'd investigate a little bit more just to check the flavour of this church - they'll have a web presence of some sort for starters.