To avoid a child

[buggyRunner]

Hi,

a bunch of us met at surestart and became really friendly at breast feeding cafe and our friendship has grown with our children- and our dc's are all 3 and we are all close friends. All dc's have been through various stages and a few of us have had 2nd dc's (youngest is 14mths). However, one of the 3 yolds behaviour is really challenging.

It has been this way (noticable and quite destructive) since he was 2. However, the consequences are getting worse. He is very tall and pushes, punches and fights consistantly and without warning. I must also add that he is also very sweet and at times an absolute joy but the violence is overshaddowing everything.
His mum is struggling and we are all offering support- she is at her witts end.

The problem is that he really hurts the children and literally punched my 14th month old in the face twice on a 2 hour play date - without arguing just walked past her turned and swung his fist in her face. I was sat next to her and it was so unexpected i couldnt stop his fist. He is like this at every play date- playing nicley for a minute then just attacks a child- not anyone specifically- just who ever he is near. I also have a 3 year old so i have them at my side all the time as to protect them. Which doesnt make the parties, play dates etc enjoyable.

Yet it isnt enjoyable- it is difficult, fustrating and I dont want my children traumatised. The other parents feel the same. I have tried to arrange parent only things as I really like his mum and think she could do with the support. I have offered more activity play dates but that makes it harder for her as he will run off but at least I can put my dd2 in a pram and dd1 can hold my hand. The children in the group are all frightened of him at a recent party they were all sat on settees clinging to their parents.

I just dont know how to react- as his mum tells him off but says if you do it again were going but doesnt go iyswim. We have always met up with everyone but she has missed a few times because of his behaviour so I dont want to put her off coming but I am a parent first and a friend second iyswim
wwyd?

Dayshift why were you not with your ds at soft play that he hit a child, sn or not really that's not acceptable. When dd goes to soft play I am on her case all the time and she does not leave my sight. I do have to go with anther adult to look after ds. The way which those mums were referring to your ds was bad, but your ds due to his sn should not have been alone on the equipment!

We had this.

Friend was a lovely lovely warm wonderful friend. But her DS1 made it his business to terrorise and assault mine everytime we met up.

I didn't want to hurt her feelings and then one day I told DS1 that they were coming over and he burst into the most awful sobbing tears. DS1 is not a sensitive child, he is simple and rough and tumble and not inclined to worry much. But he was actually afraid of this child and I had been putting my friend's (and my) needs before his.

I called her that day and cancelled, we did still see each other for a bit at adult things, but DS1 hasn't seen her kid since that time.

As you say, you are a parent first and a friend second.

Of course it wasn't the child's fault, it was my fault for allowing it to continue. The mum was one of those ineffectual 'don't do that darling' type parents, but who knows there might have been more too it. If there had been and she had chosen to confide in me, I would have tried to help her as much as possible, to the exclusion of putting my son in her DS's presence.

Your situation is trickier because it is a group, it would be very mean and hurtful for the group to continue meeting up and deliberately exclude her. No idea how you handle that.

Agree with Piglet.

Also, in my situation I let the adult side of the relationship fizzle out aswell as I don't want an adult relationship with another parent who can't be arsed to, well, actually parent!

Piglet that is really not helpful. Any child can hit another child at soft play, SN or not.

OP I think you need to limit your play time, as you've said. I wouldn't worry about the party, that's a one-off and your DD will be too busy having a good time to worry about particular behaviours being noticed.

I think its perfectly possible to keep an adult friendship going while limiting the child's friendships. The real question is how much of this is parenting, and how much is potential behavioural issues? Do you think the boy may have SN? Or is it a phase? Is it the GP thing? What do you think it is?

dayshiftdoris, your post made me cry.

My DD has numerous behavioural issues and I have to be very watchful around other children. She also injures herself regularly through her lack of fear. I am quite often a nervous wreck when I'm out with her (and she's 13 now!), but I refuse to be a prisoner in the house, especially as I have DS (12) to think of.

Last December my dear friend emigrated to Australia. I miss her so much, she put up with all the catastrophies that were involved in a day out with me. She loved me through my down times, and she loved me through my up times. I loved her too, very much.

Friends like that are so precious.

As far as I'm concerned, bottom line is this:

A parent should take responsibility for their child's behaviour towards others. It should not be left up to other parents to protect their own children against a child who is prone to violent outbursts.

Yes, all children are capable of acting aggressively, regardless of whether they have SN or not.

However, this is about minimising risk. If you know that you have a child who regularly hurts others, whatever the reason, then they need constant supervision when engaging with other children.

Well Wilson it's right isent it, the boy has an sn tat makes him so is more likely to be volatile. Can't we say anything for the risk of offending

No I am not saying that sn chi,dren are dangerous, I have an ASD dd so I am in that position. I know she can be volalitle and sometimes aggressive so have to be extra careful when out, yes I have to be with her to make sure oers and herself do not come to,harm. Does not mean we stay indoors no we don't, but you do have to be with them and more careful than a child without her difficulties

No you cannot Prevent 100 per cent an incident not happening but when you know that your child has behaviour issues you have to be more vigilant and aware than a chid without

Yep, totally with Piglet.

In the same way that a child at school who was regularly violent to others would (eventually) get a statement, partly in order that closer supervision could be sought for them.

'We'?

But before you pull the offended card, I didn't say I was offended, I said your post wasn't helpful. Dayshift was talking about one incident at a very stressful time where something happened that shouldn't have happened. It is unhelpful to pop up and retrospectively tell her it was all her own fault. Which is what you did.

We are entitled to our opinion are we not?

I do know how it's like Wilson I am going through it myself I really feel for Dayshift, I was only commenting on the situation. Of course what's done is done, all one can do is just lean from the situation

I know how it's like, you feel rubbish when your child trows a tray at school so hard t hits another child in the eye nearly taking their eye out, or biting her TA so hard tat she bleeds, I was only commenting, yes Dayshift probably is more vigilant as a result

Needless to say dd goes to a specialist school fr Autism, her incidences have reduced drastically. There is a SN night at soft play we go to whereby we feel more comfortable there

It seems funny, from my perspective, that the child will be fine and playing happily but then suddenly change and lash out.

Is there anything that triggers the violent outbursts?

I'm just wondering if the mum not carrying through with punishments is the sole cause here. I mean obviously that doesn't help but it sounds as though he may have some deep rooted behavioural problems that need looking into?

These are very young children, right?

I'd say, rather than 'deep-rooted behavioural problems', it's probably just over-stimulation and tiredness.

At least this is how I explain it when my best friend's DD often snaps at the end of a get-together. Maybe I'm being too charitable but I doubt it.