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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

family politics

69 replies

rubberducky24 · 04/11/2012 11:43

Hi - my first time posting in AIBU - I need some perspective but am also quite emotional so please be gentle!

A bit of background - I had a DD 8 weeks ago, had major issues with breastfeeding so am FF. This is my parents first GD and the 6th for my DH's family. My parents live locally half of the week and 200 miles away for the other half so they only have the opportunity to see my DD every other weekend.

The weekends I don't see my parents I make sure I see my DH's parents and also go and see them once in the week. My DH is very close to his family and sees them every weekend. I see my parents with our DD without him.

I am finding it difficult to let my DD out without me as I am still quite emotional and attached. We have been inundated with offers of babysitting and I have gratefully accepted these but for a time when I feel I am ready.

My husband said today that he wants to take our DD Xmas shopping without me one weekend. The weekend he has asked for is one that my parents are here. I asked if I could meet up with him and his family later as I am still not ready to be separated for a long period of time. He said yes but not until after 3pm. he wants to take our DD out at 7.30am. My DH then went mad and said I favour my family over his and he is sick of not being able to spend time with our DD with his family on his own. When I see my parents it is on my own as he goes to his parents house to watch the sports. I make as much effort as I can to make sure his parents do not miss out on time with our DD.

My questions are this...

AIBU to be upset at my DH wanting to spend the day with his family without me and AIBU to ask him to choose a weekend when my parents are not here so they don't miss out on seeing their only GC?

I was very upset at not being able to BF and feel sometimes that as I am FF people can't wait to take our DD off my hands despite how it makes me feel.

I know he is her father and is entitled to spend quality time with her on his own but is he BU for putting time limits on it and picking a weekend when my parents are here?

Thanks very much for your wise advice

OP posts:

fuzzypicklehead · 04/11/2012 17:11

My response would be "no freakin' way!" If he wanted to give you a break to go out on your own, get your hair done, etc. while he looked after the baby at home that would be one thing. But dragging her around the shops? For 8 hours? Nuts.

NamingOfParts · 04/11/2012 17:24

If Christmas looks like being an issue then a simple solution would be to say to both sets of parents that you will be spending Christmas just the three of you. I would highly recommend this as it will mean that you can all enjoy some nice quiet time together without the extended family playing 'pass the parcel' with your DD.

Much better to leave it a year when you can then rope in GPs to wrangle an over-excited toddler away from presents/table/tree.

LimeLeafLizard · 04/11/2012 17:54

Hello, just read your second post. I think your DH is right that weekends should be about putting your new family (you, DH, DD) first. See your parents / Pil by all means, from time to time.

Your families have many years ahead for getting to know your DD, babysitting, etc, what is the hurry? Trying to force a woman away from her 8 week old baby is just wrong.

Your own mum sounds a bit full-on - maybe she needs to back off a bit too, give you all space and time to adjust to your new roles.

Rachel130690 · 04/11/2012 18:52

If your not comfortable with your Lo going out without you then don't. When I had my son on a Friday night, out of hospital on Sunday by the Tuesday Dp's family took my son for the evening to let me sleep. I was shattered but was so uncomfortable and kept trying to say no but they made it impossible. I went home to lie down for an hour and was back down and took him away. I felt so pressured by my Dp's mum I now can't stand her, and never let her near him when I have a say, so please don't do it if you don't want to.

midseasonsale · 04/11/2012 19:27

your baby is only a few weeks old and it's normal to want to be with her all the time. ignore your hubby, he has no idea

edam · 04/11/2012 19:39

Aw, I'm glad your dh apologised and you are both sorting this out.

Missymoo, you have a very reductive and inaccurate view of what babies need.

skateboarder · 04/11/2012 19:42

I think your dh and siblings and their children are having a day out (visit to father christmas perhaps?) Or a photo shoot has been arranged for dh's side of the family for his parents xmas present. First christmas with 6 dgc kind of thing?
The timings seem v specific and may involve traveling to another venue?

Lambzig · 04/11/2012 19:45

FF has nothing to do with it. I FF with DD and would not have wanted to be away from her for that long.

At around 6 weeks DH and I took DD to a shopping centre and I left her with him for 45 mins to an hour as I wanted to buy him a birthday present. I was very shaky and when I got back apparently DD had been inconsolable (and DH was a very hands on Dad when we were both at home).

If you are not happy leaving her, you are not happy. Why cant you go too? Why cant he go with you when you see his parents?

missymoomoomee · 04/11/2012 19:52

Edam I've had 6 children, I think I know by now what babies need.

He didn't ask to take her for a weeks holiday, he didn't ask that his parents have her overnight, it was a few hours out WITH HER DAD if you think thats unacceptable then I don't think I'm the one who needs to revise my opinions of what babies need.

MissPants · 04/11/2012 19:56

I don't think it's an equal parenting issue, I think it is one of control. I can't imagine my DH demanding that he take our newborn out for a full day without me. He would suggest maybe, offer a break, but never would he insist I could only join them after a certain time knowing it upset me to be separated from DC.

Nor would he react aggressively if i objected. Roll his eyes possibly, I am a notorious worrier, but he would understand at 8 weeks!!

It shouldn't be anything to do with parents rights to time alone with baby WTF anyway you're a family FFS it is about babies needs. 8 hours is too long, IIRC a day away from it's mother causes a significant rise in cortisol which indicates stress and heightens the rate of brain cell disposal.

I too hope that he has a surprise planned, if not he's behaving like an arse and using a newborn to prove a point. Ugh.

MissPants · 04/11/2012 19:59

X post, glad to see you have sorted things out. YY to relaxing and just going with the flow, our family are very 'as and when' and it works fine

skateboarder · 04/11/2012 20:02

Ah ive now read the update! Enjoy the meal out op

LaCiccolina · 04/11/2012 20:09

Dd is just 8 wks. I admire his courage but think u both underestimate how much dd will miss mum. Babies aren't supposed to b seperated from mums, they rather prehistorically think they will get eaten or some such. This is just survival instinct and not as stupid as might sound.

I don't understand how much time ur spending as a 3 rather than 2's. U appear to always b with GPS of a variety. Poss it's just the way written. Now is the time to b together. This point is blooming short, don't miss it. In just 12wks she will b so different. My advice is stop seeing everyone else for a bit and take some family time. There's TONS of time to sort out fair GP time. And u will b sorting that out forever.... I still am 2yrs later.... One is always favoured allegedly....ho hum!

Much love xxx

edam · 04/11/2012 20:52

Missy, I can see you are getting heated about this and with six children probably think you know it all... but I'm afraid you really do underestimate the natural needs of a newborn baby for his or her mother. If you are interested in finding out more, there's plenty of research out there. Otherwise, let's leave it on the happy note of the OP and her dh making it up, shall we?

missymoomoomee · 04/11/2012 20:59

I'm not particulary getting heated, although I do find it annoying when random strangers tell me I have an inaccurate view of what babies need.

I certainly don't know it all, no-one ever could, but to suggest a few hours out with her Dad is some dreadful and unnatural thing to happen probably says more about you than I.

But yes I'm glad the OP and her DH have made up and sorted it out. Hope you enjoy your meal out OP.

HoneyDragon · 04/11/2012 21:01

Your dh is right you guys need time together. Stop obsessing over GPs. At 8 weeks you are still on mat leave, so time for you and time for your baby. You are parted from her when you feel ready. Not when other people think you should be.

edam · 04/11/2012 21:02

We are all random strangers on here, Missy (apart from the people who have actually met up IRL) and we all swap opinions.

Learning70 · 04/11/2012 22:50

Aw I just think people should lay off new mums and is she's not ready to be separated from baby then not to force it. I think a lot of women get PND because of GPS, family members demanding their equal time slot with the new baby. Husbands and partners job is to protect new mum and baby, not stress her out.

MickeyTheShortOne · 04/11/2012 23:11

If you're not ready to be separated from DD then don't let it happen. Thats not being unreasonable, thats just being a new Mum. My cousin can't bear to be apart from her DD, and she's over a year old now- Even when she went into labour with her DS, she still worried about being separated from DD.

To be fair though, I agree it does sound like he's organised some sort of surprise for you- the timings are very specific. Why not just see how you feel? I get the impression that this won't be happening for a few weeks- you might be begging for some sleep by then! :) Glad you both made it up.

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