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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

family politics

69 replies

rubberducky24 · 04/11/2012 11:43

Hi - my first time posting in AIBU - I need some perspective but am also quite emotional so please be gentle!

A bit of background - I had a DD 8 weeks ago, had major issues with breastfeeding so am FF. This is my parents first GD and the 6th for my DH's family. My parents live locally half of the week and 200 miles away for the other half so they only have the opportunity to see my DD every other weekend.

The weekends I don't see my parents I make sure I see my DH's parents and also go and see them once in the week. My DH is very close to his family and sees them every weekend. I see my parents with our DD without him.

I am finding it difficult to let my DD out without me as I am still quite emotional and attached. We have been inundated with offers of babysitting and I have gratefully accepted these but for a time when I feel I am ready.

My husband said today that he wants to take our DD Xmas shopping without me one weekend. The weekend he has asked for is one that my parents are here. I asked if I could meet up with him and his family later as I am still not ready to be separated for a long period of time. He said yes but not until after 3pm. he wants to take our DD out at 7.30am. My DH then went mad and said I favour my family over his and he is sick of not being able to spend time with our DD with his family on his own. When I see my parents it is on my own as he goes to his parents house to watch the sports. I make as much effort as I can to make sure his parents do not miss out on time with our DD.

My questions are this...

AIBU to be upset at my DH wanting to spend the day with his family without me and AIBU to ask him to choose a weekend when my parents are not here so they don't miss out on seeing their only GC?

I was very upset at not being able to BF and feel sometimes that as I am FF people can't wait to take our DD off my hands despite how it makes me feel.

I know he is her father and is entitled to spend quality time with her on his own but is he BU for putting time limits on it and picking a weekend when my parents are here?

Thanks very much for your wise advice

OP posts:

JoshLyman · 04/11/2012 13:46

On the face of it, he's perfectly reasonable to expect to be able to have his DD on his own and with his family.

What's odd to me is that he's forcibly engineering the situation. Why Xmas shopping?! Where's he going at 7.30am?

Is he doing it because he thinks you need a break and you won't take one unless made to? Do you think his family are behind it?

Narked · 04/11/2012 13:51

You have an 8 week old. You and your DH and her are a family. When do you get time together, just the three of you?

Why are you seeing your parents without him? Why is he seeing your ILs without you?

An 8 week old spending eight hours away from it's mother when she doesn't want them to and there is no reason for it is ridiculous.

edam · 04/11/2012 13:55

Agree with most other people, your dh is being extremely unreasonable in demanding that he takes your newborn baby out without you for eight hours. It's wrong. It would only be right if it was something you were happy with. A mother and newborn baby are a package unless the mother chooses different.

lovelylentils · 04/11/2012 13:59

YANBU at all.
Just because you're not bf doesn't mean you don't feel the need to be close to your very young baby! I was unable to bf exclusively beyond 4wks with ds and 8wks with dd but hated that gp would try to whisk ds away to feed him. It's still a very important bonding time.
My dd is 11mo now and I still hate being away from her. Going back to work soon and am dreading it. The longest I've been apart from her is 5hrs!
DH thinks I'm odd but I can't help how I feel.
Put your foot down. Just say no if you are not happy about it.

Narked · 04/11/2012 13:59

I had to double check your OP to see if I'd missed the word ex or separated.

I can't understand why, when you've just had your first baby together, you're spending so much of your weekends apart.

missymoomoomee · 04/11/2012 14:05

They are equal parents, they have equal rights, why is the Mother more important in this situation? Surely the most important one here is their daughter, who, quite frankly, won't give a hoot if she is with her Mum or her Dad.

My DH did something similar to this when our DS was 3 months old, took him away to another town xmas shopping, it was some bonding time for them and, as silly as it sounds DH loved the pair of them going out and choosing my presents together (not that DS had any input or cared about my presents at all).

ArthurandGeorge · 04/11/2012 14:11

I wonder if your dh has planed something very specific here? Could he be planning to have a photoshoot of your dd with the pictures a surprise present to you? Or do a fingerprint jewellery type thing?
I just wonder because of the duration of time and the specifics of the times, id doesn't seem like a mooch around the shops to me? This might explain why he's getting cross, because he doesn't want to have to tell you why he really wants to take dd off for so long on that particular date.

Pozzled · 04/11/2012 14:12

OP, has your DH booked a photo shoot of the baby for your Christmas present or something? It seems strange to take such a young baby Christmas shopping and for him to be so insistent on going without you. If it were my DH I'd guess that he had some surprise planned.

Pozzled · 04/11/2012 14:13

X-post!

bowerbird · 04/11/2012 14:15

OP I agree with other posters that you need to realise that you, DH and your baby are a family and need to spend time together - just the three of you. It's really important.

I also don't see why you don't "blend" your families a bit more. I find the separation of "my" family and "his" family a bit bizarre tbh. It's ALL your family.

Your current arrangement seems over-scheduled and stressful.

WildWorld2004 · 04/11/2012 14:16

Im sorry but you are moaning because your childs dad wants to take his child out for the day. You should pack up the change bag & send them on their way.

Will you be moaning in a few years because your childs dad doesnt do anything with his child.

NamingOfParts · 04/11/2012 14:33

Would I be right in guessing that you are currently SAHP and that your DH is at work? If so then I think YABU to not want your DH to be main parent for a few hours. You are taking for granted the exclusive time you enjoy and not allowing your DH to enjoy the same.

IMO you need to stop worrying about which set of GPs are having precisely how much contact with your DD and start spending more time as parents without GPs around.

There is no failure in FF. One of the positives is that it means your DH can enjoy feeding your DD as well as you. My DH said afterwards that he was glad when I stopped trying to BF and moved to FF as it gave him the chance to do the fun job of feeding.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2012 15:10

" he is sick of not being able to spend time with our DD with his family on his own."
Why does he want it to be on his own, without you there? I know you see your parents without him, but that appears to be his choice - he prefers to watch sports rather than accompany you. This is rather odd.

DorsetKnob · 04/11/2012 15:15

Do you ever do anything together?

wordfactory · 04/11/2012 15:26

Oh Lord OP, I'd be waving him off and heading straight back to bed.

I'd then have the longest uninterupted bath and head out for a hair appointment and lunch with a friend!

Childhood is loooooonnnngggg and there is precious little freedom. Take it while you can .

edam · 04/11/2012 15:41

Missy, I don't know why you've taken this as an equal parent issue. When one parent wants to do something and the other parent is unhappy, there is a problem. But the fact is newborn babies are more attached to and dependent upon their mothers in general (although there will always be rare exceptions). Nature organised it that way. A newborn has been in his or her mother's womb for nine months, is accustomed to her voice, comforted by her presence and familiar with her smell. That doesn't mean fathers aren't important and don't have a role, but it does mean separating a mother and her baby against the mother's will is both wrong and unkind.

I hope the posters who think the OP's dh has a special surprise planned are right. Otherwise he seems to be a bit of a bully who puts his own wishes and desires ahead of the very natural needs of his baby.

EscapeInTheCity · 04/11/2012 15:44

But the issue here isn't that he is taking his dd out for the day doing christmas shopping (at 7.30am??). Or that he is spending a day on his own with his dd.
The issue is that he seems to be taking issue with the fact the OP is at home all day with their dd and so he doesn't 'get his share'.
That he doesn't want to see his IL and surprise surprise outing is on a weekend when his IL are there...
That he want to take his dd to his parent without the OP, the mum's child.
And that he thinks that his spending time all day with his dd is more important than the anxiety of the OP re being separated from her dd for the day (And no it's not because some people would be happy to do that she has to feel like this).
And doesn't seem open to discussion about it.

As the title is 'family politics' I am guessing BIG problems with the IL and her DH (they get to see her more than us etc...) and some BIG problems between OP's parents and her DH (why? It seems to have been there even before the dc's birth)

missymoomoomee · 04/11/2012 15:59

I have taken this as an equal parent issue because most people are saying she shouldn't be seperated from her Mum, which is basically saying she should be seperated from her Dad.

The rest of what you say is nonsense imo, the Dad has been there throughout the pregnancy so she will be used to his voice too and since she has been living with him for the last 8 weeks she will be accustomed to his smell and comforted by his presence. I could understand if it was a Grandparent/Auntie/friend who wanted to take the baby out but its not. Its her Dad.

I agree when one parent wants something the other doesn't its a problem and, to me, the whole set up is weird with seeing families seperatly, but I don't think if parents disagree the 'final choice' should always be down to the Mum, although I don't know how it would be resolved in this instance.

googlyeyes · 04/11/2012 16:28

This is all so weird. Why on earth would a loving father and husband aggressively insist on taking a newborn from mum for the day in such an adversarial way!

Something really fucking unhealthy going on

And imo utter nonsense to suggest that a newborn baby isn't especially close to mum. Politically correct nonsense.

Flisspaps · 04/11/2012 16:43

Hormonally and biologically you are programmed to be near your baby. If you're not ready to be apart from her then IMO she's not ready to be away from you.

Good for those of you who'd wave cheerily and go back to bed - but that's not for everyone. Neither reaction is wrong but clearly this isn't what the OP wants to do.

edam · 04/11/2012 16:46

Missy - you can't inflict Dad's rights claptrap on a newborn baby. That is cruel and unnatural. Best interests of the child are more important than some crusade to prove fathers are just as important as mothers.

missymoomoomee · 04/11/2012 16:51

The best interests of a baby is to be loved, clean, fed, cuddled and warm. A Dad can do that for a few hours surely. Whats unnatural about that? I'm not on any crusade, I just don't see what the issue is for the sake of a few hours.

ArtVandelay · 04/11/2012 17:01

Maybe they want to take the baby to have her ears pierced or something its felt the OP wouldn't approve of. Really hope its not that!

MrsTomHardy · 04/11/2012 17:01

I think both of you spend way too much time with the GP's to be honest. Every weekend!!!!!

You are a family unit now, when do you spend time just you, DH and baby??

Original poster

rubberducky24 · 04/11/2012 17:06

hi everyone - thank you for taking the time to read and post. Your opinions have helped me get some perspective.

Yes, I am a SAHP, I didn't think he might want to have a bit of quality time with his daughter. It wouldn't be unlike him to be planning a surprise as he is very thoughtful like that.

With regards to parents and IL's - I am very close to his parents and they do not try to dictate when I spend time with them They are lovely. I guess I try and spend as much time as I can with both sets of GPs so they don't miss out, but it appears to be at the expense of mine and my DH's relationship. I know watching sport uninterrupted is important to my DH so I try and accommodate that where I can. TBH we are having more issues with the demands of my parents but I'm sure they would understand if I told them they couldn't see DD one weekend, it's just that hasn't come up yet. We have had some arguments re Xmas, and my mum has said she wants to be the first to babysit, and also wanted to be the first to see DD when she was born. I had an emergency c section and she was quite upset not to be allowed in theatre.

That being said my husband gets on really well with my parents too, so as far as I'm aware there are no underlying IL issues.

The 7.30am start came about as my DH gets up at 5am for work so being an early riser is ingrained into him.

Since posting, my DH has apologised for the way he was this morning and has suggested weekends are to be our time, and to hell with what everyone else wants. We will fit them in as and when suits us. I guess it's hard trying to adjust to being a new family and as everyone loves our DD so much I'm just tring to make sure no-one misses out, however it does seem to be at the expense of my feelings and the time I spend with my DH. Previous posters arw right, I am being too regimented about who sees our DD and when, and we should take things as they come.

WRT going back to sleep while DH takes DD out - I would love to, but at the moment I feel the separation anxiety might stop me sleeping, but I won't know until I try I suppose!

We are going out for a meal on our own soon so that will be the tester as to how I cope without her!

OP posts:

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