To feel suffocated by MIL?

[HeidiHole]

My PIL live on the next street from us. They moved there from about 200 miles away, 3 days before the birth of PFB 5 months ago. MIL seems to be obsessed with PFB. Obsessed in a way that no-one else in the family is (my Grandma/sister/mum/dad who all live close too)

Passive agressive if she doesn't see him twice a week and very openly offended if we use anyone other than her to babysit.

Once a friend had the baby out in the pram so we popped over to see PIL (without baby) and she went on about it to everyone. Never mind that we'd gone to see them, she kept going on about how we had come without the baby!

She keeps a mental tally of how many hours other people have spent with him, and wants to make sure she's never had less time than anyone else. She asks people how many hours they've spent.

Her own MIL lived 8 miles away from her when DH was growing up and she invited her once a year only. So its not like in their family they spent a lot of time with grandparents and expects us to do the same.

I'm a very unsociable person, I like to spend time just me, DH and DS (and so does DH) and am struggling with this new arrival in our lives. My parents live 2 miles away and I get on with them fantastically, have a brilliant relationship, but opt to only see them socially maybe once a month for dinner or something.

It isn't that MIL is bored, she has a circle of friends and an activity (ie book club, volunteering, orchestra) 4 or 5 days a week plus her and FIL love pottering in their garden.

I feel that when she had her family she rarely invited her parents, or PIL round, or visited them and got to just enjoy her baby and DH in peace. I'd like to do the same. In an ideal world we'd see them maybe once a month. The latest thing is that our cleaner has asked for a few more hours so we've said she can do some "mothers help" and look after the baby a few hours a week so I can get some things done. If we hadn't have been able to give these extra hours cleaner had to leave and get a full time job.

MIL was very upset to hear this (ie someone else with baby not her) and eyes filled up with tears and she didn't speak) AIBU to think there is a difference to having a professional relationship with an employee, who will be emptying dishwasher, tidying playroom, doing any odd jobs and I can tell her how I want things done with baby, to having my MIL in the house 4 times a week (who I don't feel comfortable dictating to and who obviously wouldnt be putting washing on etc like the employee would be) I like MIL I just don't want her in my house all the time - why can't she see that? I want some privacy.

I told my mum that cleaner (who is very responsible, trustworthy and been with us a long time and loves the baby) would be doing some 'mothers help' and my mum just said great, sounds perfect. No tears.

I don't know what I really am asking...just struggling I suppose with the suffocating feeling that this is MY baby, and I want some space. DH is at least in agreement with me but understandably hasn't yet found the courage to tell MIL to back off a bit as he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

As it is we see PIL much much more than my Grandma/sister/Parents who all live within 2 miles as well and would love to see us more, they just dont get passive agressive when we're busy.

Welsh I just spat my wine out!! brilliant.

I think Flojo meant to ask you to think whether you would be happy seeing DS more than twice a week if he lived near you when he is an adult and had children of his own. I don't think she meant now when he is a child.

I would ponder on this as what will happen when YOU are granny and live round the corner. Would you be happy to see YOUR son/daughter/grandchildren once a month on appointment....

Well it's hard to say for sure but yes I'd be very disappointed in myself if I couldn't respect the privacy of DS and his wife. I don't think of myself as an obsessive person . Although obviously nothing is guaranteed! My DH and I would be very concious of intruding too much given our experience now.

Better put, Porto

But I have started on the

And I would NEVER sell up where I lived for 35 years and move 200 miles to 2 streets from pregnant DIL in order to complete on the new house ON her due date!!

A grandmother seeing her grandchildren who live in the next street is by no means excessive. As for you giving her some "bonus" time, well what can I say to that?

I hope that when your son's all grown you get so see him regularly, in line with his wife's wishes of course. If he happens to have children, your grandchildren, perhaps she won't mind too much you seeing them regularly too.

I can actually understand her being a little miffed that you visited without your son - she may have thought you did it deliberately, to make a point - namely that you're in control, bearing in mind you knowing how she was feeling.

However, having said all of this, I think you're entirely right about the childcare. That's your decision and I do think you've made the correct decision there.

But you would be happy to see your grandchidxren once a month by appointment?

you think I SHOULDN'T put my head in the door for her to see DS for 10 mins every week as I change the route I walk in order to pass the shop she's in? It's not a set routine, part of the time she expects to see it but I do it 75% of weeks. Ie she wouldn't complain if we DIDN'T come its just a wee extra time for her to get a quick cuddle.

portofino by appointment? Yes I would expect to be invited yes if thats what you mean by appointment. I wouldn't just turn up and let myself into their house if thats what you mean.

apostropheaus no baby was out with a friend in the pram, she didn't know. She texted and said would we like to come for coffee in an hours time. We said OK. Arrived without him and explained he hadnt been at home. She invited us, not other way round.

YANBU.

I don't have this issue as FIL couldn't be less bothered, MIL deceased and my parents 200 miles away. I have said certain times or weekends are busy if we just don't want to have to entertain family for whatever reason, I'm sure that's what OP means when she says the once a month thing!

Have never had anybody whinge or whine or compare their time with the children, they come when we have mutually acceptable free time!

We3ll it not for me to say, but don't be surprised when your PFB bans you from seeing their child and calls you interfering when you show the slightest interest,

I'm very surprised at some if the responses to this thread, when another recent post about parents/inlaws 'expecting' visits every Saturday received a vast majority if responses that said once it twice a month to visit GPs is fine, and people need quality time together as a family.

I think Heidihole and her DH and DS need just as much quality time as the next poster, don't they?

Personally I would find twice a week too much too. I see my mil about once a week or every 10 days. She lives about 6 miles away. We call before turning up. It took us a few years to establish this though and now everyone's happy. I hope you work it out with minimum upset. I also think once your son is older (like 4 or 5) you'll chill out a bit and embrace her more. Unless you have znother baby. What I mean is I've been through this twice with my mil, after each time i had my babies. It's a natural protective lioness thing which thankfully passes somewhat and you find it easier to let them in. It's definitely not all you. She is contributing 50% to the dynamics of this relationship and she'll know it. She'll know she's a nightmare. I know my mil was a nightmare too but as I chilled she did too and after a few years we've made it work and I would go as far as to say we love each other now (once or twice a fortnight )

But in that case wasn´t there a lot of travelling & no hospitality involved?

We are abroad atm & before that were an hrs drive away.

Being nearby & able to pop in for short visits a couple of times a week sounds great.

Most opinions are based on what we experience ourselves.

At the end of the day, you set the model on how to deal with family. Your dcs grow up wth this. If your model is well OUR family time is more important than gps, aunts, uncles etc, then your kids will grow up with that view. And you cannot complain when they cut you out later for their family time.

Hmm, but the OP is not talking about once a month by appointment, and the MIL is being frankly obsessive. I think mum with young baby does trump MIL actually (and I hope when my boys have their own failies I'll remember that too)

families

The "slightest interest" is not the same as taking a record of who sees the baby and for how long.

sorry those last two posts were in response to Portofino

It might seem a long way away now but as des gets older you will have other commitments, swimming, parties, football etc. If you get on with mil, is there any reason why she can't babysit once per month, putting ds in bed for you whilst you and dh go out? Having something like this in place will make her feel important and tbh, will help you in the long run.

Oh gawd, good luck, I remember it all well. I think babies bring out the funny hormones, not just in grans and mums but any woman in a 50 mile radius. That's why you can't walk down the street without someone telling you what you are doing wrong lol. The funny thing is, the baby never remembers any of this and when he's at school will be more interested in his own life than mum and grans power struggle. I do sympathise with you, I do, but it does get better and by the time you have chilled out more, mil will have got over her obsession and normality will reign. I could tell you a million stories, but I'm so over it!

People are at their worst with babies - if they live so close the problem will ease when the DC gets older and can just go round on their own.

You are not being unreasonable.