To feel suffocated by MIL?

[HeidiHole]

My PIL live on the next street from us. They moved there from about 200 miles away, 3 days before the birth of PFB 5 months ago. MIL seems to be obsessed with PFB. Obsessed in a way that no-one else in the family is (my Grandma/sister/mum/dad who all live close too)

Passive agressive if she doesn't see him twice a week and very openly offended if we use anyone other than her to babysit.

Once a friend had the baby out in the pram so we popped over to see PIL (without baby) and she went on about it to everyone. Never mind that we'd gone to see them, she kept going on about how we had come without the baby!

She keeps a mental tally of how many hours other people have spent with him, and wants to make sure she's never had less time than anyone else. She asks people how many hours they've spent.

Her own MIL lived 8 miles away from her when DH was growing up and she invited her once a year only. So its not like in their family they spent a lot of time with grandparents and expects us to do the same.

I'm a very unsociable person, I like to spend time just me, DH and DS (and so does DH) and am struggling with this new arrival in our lives. My parents live 2 miles away and I get on with them fantastically, have a brilliant relationship, but opt to only see them socially maybe once a month for dinner or something.

It isn't that MIL is bored, she has a circle of friends and an activity (ie book club, volunteering, orchestra) 4 or 5 days a week plus her and FIL love pottering in their garden.

I feel that when she had her family she rarely invited her parents, or PIL round, or visited them and got to just enjoy her baby and DH in peace. I'd like to do the same. In an ideal world we'd see them maybe once a month. The latest thing is that our cleaner has asked for a few more hours so we've said she can do some "mothers help" and look after the baby a few hours a week so I can get some things done. If we hadn't have been able to give these extra hours cleaner had to leave and get a full time job.

MIL was very upset to hear this (ie someone else with baby not her) and eyes filled up with tears and she didn't speak) AIBU to think there is a difference to having a professional relationship with an employee, who will be emptying dishwasher, tidying playroom, doing any odd jobs and I can tell her how I want things done with baby, to having my MIL in the house 4 times a week (who I don't feel comfortable dictating to and who obviously wouldnt be putting washing on etc like the employee would be) I like MIL I just don't want her in my house all the time - why can't she see that? I want some privacy.

I told my mum that cleaner (who is very responsible, trustworthy and been with us a long time and loves the baby) would be doing some 'mothers help' and my mum just said great, sounds perfect. No tears.

I don't know what I really am asking...just struggling I suppose with the suffocating feeling that this is MY baby, and I want some space. DH is at least in agreement with me but understandably hasn't yet found the courage to tell MIL to back off a bit as he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

As it is we see PIL much much more than my Grandma/sister/Parents who all live within 2 miles as well and would love to see us more, they just dont get passive agressive when we're busy.

Nasty by your standards Teabag, there's nothing wrong with liking space and appreciating time spent with your immediate family.

And yes, I do have sons before that question is thrown at me.

I have seen my in laws very little (for various reasons). I have huge anxieties about becoming an in-law myself. I really want to have a different type of relationship with my children and their partners and I don't feel I know the ropes because I haven't had a good relationship with my own in-laws to base it on. My parents died before I had kids.

This counting of time spent with others could be linked to this? Obviously, she's not doing well with how she's handling the situation but it could be anxiety? She's probably quite clueless too about how to have aa good in-law relationship.

If you were my DIL, I would hope my DS and you would discuss the situation and your feelings with me. That would be much better for the child in the long term. Good grandparents can be a huge benefit to a child and to the parents and I really wish my kids could have had that.

Open calm discussion, without being swayed by tears, would be the way to go, I think.

i am an in-law. i try to be supportive of daughter and of her husband - of their relationship, i suppose. because it matters to me that they, and their baby, are happy.

fortunately, they are happy to see me quite often. i should be very sad if i could only see them once a month.

I think as a pp said, boundaries.

See her when you want for as long as you want.

I can see why you don´t want to give in to her, but if it´s easy for her to get to you, I don´t see why she couldn´t pop round for a couple of hrs twice a week-you could be with her or not as the mood took you.

I can see why she´s hurt that you are using the cleaner-at her instigation.

I am absolutely in favour of MiLs seeing grandchildren, I've got 2 sons and it'll be me one day. I have also had fireworks with my own MiL over when she gets her time alone with our children, never mind that my family live thousands of miles away and see them once a year if they're lucky!

Anyway! Don't give in to the PA rubbish and definitely don't use her as formal childcare. Informal yes, when baby is older. We tried to do the reverse & asked MiL to do some cleaning for us on a paid basis - we needed the cleaner, she needed the money - and it was a disaster. You can't tell her when she's not done something well enough, we still haven't told her that in her first week she ruined a brand new toilet (cleaned it with brush with metal collar & it now has metal scrape lines all around the porcelain - it was less than a week old!) - and it will be terrible for all of you.

I also get the feeling that its something of a status thing with her - tallying up hours?! - rather than a true desire to spend time with your baby. She obviously doesn't want to spend time with you, she's demonstrated that.

I would be blunt. Tell her to back off and she'll probably end up seeing her GC more often than if she pushes so hard she pushes you away.

Or emigrate :)

It may get easier when he gets older-there's loads more to help out with so mil can make a differance. My inlaws very kindly do some school runs, take them to swimming lessons every week and babysit: none of which involves me spending very much time with them and which helps me out a great deal.
I also send dh with kids at the weekend, but then I see dh in the week. Will you always work those hours? Sounds a nightmare...
I think once a month is mad if they live on the next street and it's mad if you have so much work and willing/lovely mil to not let her take the strain. If I lived around the corner from grandkids I'd be mortified if people knew I wasn't allowed round more than once a month.
My pils are not people I'd naturally get on with and it's taken us years to negotiate boundaries, but you have to. They're my kids grandparents not aqquaintances, so unless they're horrid it's a moral responsibility to include them.
I said I can't cope with spontanous visits and I like to have regular days that I see people: so that's what we did.

i dont think there is anything wrong with not seeing family that often. for some families its normal not to live in each others pockets

YANBU nip this in bud ASAP.
It will only get worse, IME.

I don't think seeing the PILs twice a week is OTT or obsessive.
YABU, she's his grandmother. How would u like to only see DS once a month?
Make the most of the free help. I'd give anything to be in your situation.

I think the childcare thing is a bit of a red herring as OP wasn´t looking for childcare.

She could have got on with things during a MIL visit without a specific arrangement for childcare.

Heavens above OP, you'd ideally like to see her once a month and she lives 2 streets away! I think that is mean tbh......... I would be delighted for my MIL or DM to be so willing to have my kids.

Your MIL does sound a bit of a nightmare - I like my own space and time with me and DH and DCs as a family is really important.

Firstly I think you need to stop giving her as many details about your life and what you are doing. i.e. she didn't need to be told about the cleaner doing childcare and tell your family if she starts asking about how many hours they have seen DC for just to be vague or change the subject. This obsessing over number of hours spent is bizzare. Its not as though a child will grow up to say I spent 1000 hours with granny1 and 850 with granny2 - they don't care!

I would gradually cut the time you spend with her down to what you feel comfortable with. It's not fair of her to spoil your precious time with DCs

I do have a son and so I will hopefully be a MIL one day and I would certainly understand people have their own things to do. Once or twice a month would be fine for me (with maybe exeptions for birthdays, xmas etc) - it is still regular enough to build up a good relationship. I only saw my grandma every 5 weeks or so and we get on very well!

I think you are being mean, too. I would be appalled if I only saw my son (and his DW and and DD) once a month. I notice that you are involved in a family business and you say you only see your parents socially once a month, but I bet that in fact you see them most days if you are in business together? Have you thought that possibly your MIL wants to see your family frequently because she realises how much she missed out by only seeing her ILs infrequently.

To be fair I do think your MIL is being a little OTT but your DS is only very young yet and she is probably overwhelmed with the whole being a GP thing. It's not until you become a GP that you realise just what it means and what a pleasure and a privilege it is.

DS sees MIL every other week for a couple of hours, my parents live abroad half the year, when they are in the UK they see DS every other week as well. A lot of friends see their parents/inlaws a lot less. While some families live in each other's pockets and are happy to see parents/inlaws basically every day, most people don't.

However, she moved to be near you when you had DS, could it be she did this to avoid being like her parents/in-laws of only seeing DGC once a year?

BTW - you do seem to be oversharing re the cleaner being a 'mothers help' - surely "the cleaner is doing more hours" would have been enough, not saying what the cleaner would be doign when you know your MIL is sensitive about it.

Although why she'd need to know your cleaner's hours had increased at all isn't clear. I had a cleaner for 6 months before my parents knew.

If she likes to tally up who's seen your DS when, then just don't tell her.

If my mil lived close I would love it if she could come round more, my dd's love spending time with her and that's really important to me. My mum lives 5 miles away and comes round whenever she wants. She's abit odd and always phones first to make sure I'm not busy.

I understand you may feel a little bit overwhelmed that she wants to see you all a lot but she wont be here for ever ya know and your DC should be able to build a relationship with your PIL not just see them once a month. I find that abit sad tbh.

Maybe approach this from a different way - I think as someone mentioned above about the control thing. Maybe she is really, really worried about seeing her GC as little as her parents/PIL visited when she had a young family (there may even be some history there). Maybe her best friend never sees their GC?

So try asking her. Be gentle. Lots of reassurance at first so she doesn't feel attacked -tell her you want your DC to grow up with a close and loving relationship - with everyone in the family but maybe emphasise how wonderful grandparent relationships are. Say how you want DS to have frequent time spent with Grandma (her) and Granny (ie your DM) is so important.
Say that clearly DS is very young at the moment but for the future there will be many hugs and laughs.

And then after you have told her how important she is and will be in the life of your DS - mention that you noticed she occasionally seems a little worried at how much time she is spending with him. Is there a reason why she is worried? Ask her what would reassure her?

Don't get me wrong - I think she is being a nightmare and can totally understand why you feel smothered - but there are many ways to skin a cat (is that the expression) and a gentler approach first may show her how she is behaving - as she may not even be aware she is coming across a bit like a nut-ball-stalker

I expect that because she was mean to her MIL she is worried about getting the same. IMO what goes around comes around. I would just see her in a normal way and ignore her when she goes on about time, mother's helps etc.

Ok to try and answer some questions.

MIL is a lovely person yes, but not someone I'd choose as a friend IYSWIM.

The 90 mins that will be spent here as childcare HAVE to be at my home as baby naps then (for 45 mins) and it's when I go and do something that cant be done at any other time. Currently DH comes back from work, sits here and has lunch whilst baby sleeps and I'm out. So MIL couldnt just have him at her house. He only sleeps in his cot (trained him too well!!)

I don't want to mix family and paid childcare. Full stop. I want 'control' I want to be able to give instruction, and I want my washing put on and dishwasher emptied while baby is asleep :) The cost of the extra 90 mins is not really an issue (so shoot me!)

I am not actually suggesting she can only see baby once a month. Sorry, its hard to get things to come across properly when typing. In an "ideal world" however I'm not ACTUALLY that much of an arse. For example I do take him once a week and pop into where she volunteers to say hi as a 'bonus' as I know she likes it, and its always me not DH who invites them over. They came for lunch today, my idea.

I would never "limit" her to once a month, I'm just frustrated with twice a week and STILL getting comments like "oh you've probably forgotten me because you never see me enough DS" you saw him 3 days ago

flojo are you serious he's my son! Of course i'd be sad if I didn't see him more than twice a week. Are you seriously SERIOUSLY likening my relationship with DS to being identical to MIL's relationship with him?

It will be difficult for your do to build really strong relationships with grandparents they see so infrequently. They might really benefit from their relationship with her. Also she might be really useful in years to come re child are. Things do change.

X post there.

dontmindifido the cleaner is in the same orchestra with MIL so they see each other twice a week socially. It would certainly never stay "secret" that cleaner was watching DS 3 days a week.

MIL also has a bit of a bee in her bonnet about childminders/nannies/anyone other than the mother having the children. She is very vocal about what she thinks of working mothers (and its not positive!) and I think she's just upset that we've opted to use childcare full stop, but also opted to use it instead of her (she must see her as being on a level with me ie its OK though if she has him! :) )

It's 90 mins three times a week. I'm sure DS will come through the experience unscathed

I came here expecting it to be another unreasonable MIL bashing thread. That is not what I see though.

I see a very jealous and possessive person. Now, the advice is that to give in and increase their control at the expense of yours only makes the problems worse, so do not do that.

Do not cut down to once a month either (though I know you said you wouldn't). Just remain firm but fair!!!

YANBU. That's all.

Frankly if my inlaws (who live hundreds of miles away) sold up and bought a house two streets away I would gas myself. Fuck a goose.

Welsh!