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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be cross with parents in law for not taking 7mo ds's sleep seriously?

53 replies

Lirogiro · 02/11/2012 19:49

MY mil and fil look after my 7mo ds a couple of afternoons a week. They are lovely and generally look after my son well. However they like to be doing stuff with him so don't prioritize his sleep.
My ds will go to sleepin the car, his pushchair or will be rocked to sleep and go down in his cot, so they could go out with him as long as they gave him an hour or so in one place to have a good nap, but it's always whistling about, 15 mins in the car, 30 mins in the shops etc.
Usually I let it slide because they are doing me a favour but today it's really got to me. They'd agreed to have ds for an hour for me to get a haircut but then asked if they could have him for the whole afternoon. I said that was fine as long as they gave him time to have a good nap as he's getting over a cold. They said they would but when they dropped him off it transpired that they had been all over the place as usual and ds had 10 mins sleep in the car.
I feel really angry about it because I asked them specifically. Aibu? And how can I address it in a nice way that they'll take notice of?

OP posts:

Mrscog · 02/11/2012 19:51

Yanbu - my 8mo DS is awful if he doesn't get his proper naps and it often affects his sleep that night as well. I think you might have to be direct and ask them why they ignored your request, when you'd been so specific.

Primafacie · 02/11/2012 19:53

Depends. How much do you pay them?

missmapp · 02/11/2012 19:53

I can see where they are coming from, they want to spend time with their grandson rather than watch him sleep, but also know how grumpy a tierd baby can be!!

I think it is best left alone and only give them your ds to look after when he does not need a slepp or when he can cope without one. I think speaking to them about it will either upset them or completely go over thier head. It sounds like they are caring, attentive gp's, and I think it may be worht over looking this little annoyance.

missmapp · 02/11/2012 19:54

Excuse typos, could blame iphone, but I dont have one, Ive just started the wine early!!

OwedToAutumn · 02/11/2012 19:55

What primafacie said.

I've paid an absolute fortune on childcare, in my time. He who pays the piper, and all that.

Peanutbutterfingers · 02/11/2012 19:55

As the mum of a 2.5yo who has only recently started sleeping through the night, and who didn't sleep longer than 1.5hrs for 9 months I was FANATICAL about naps. You're not being unreasonable but i promise one day you'll look back and laugh.

Mrscog · 02/11/2012 19:57

What so just because you don't pay this gives GP's the right to ignore perfectly reasonable request for the well being of OP's DS? 7 months is still v young and they still need 3-4 naps a day (if they'll do them!) so anyone looking after a baby for more than 2 hours should be planning in a naptime.

DragonMamma · 02/11/2012 20:00

What Peanut said. I was fanatical about DD's naps because it was such a finely tuned machine that any deviation or short naps = disturbed, short nights. When I went back to work and she had to go to nursery that went to pot and I realised, there's naff all that can be done if you aren't there.

Saying that, my DM knows I take naps seriously and will also respect what I say if she has DS for the day. He is an overtired mess otherwise and that's not quality time for her...Plus he sleeps for 3hrs at lunch time (18mos) and it's much needed after 6hrs of him running around in the morning.

Original poster

Lirogiro · 02/11/2012 20:01

I'd actually like to pay for childcare for exactly this reason, but my dp thinks that is silly as they actively want to spend time with my ds and are good in all other respects. At the moment they only have him for half days whilst i go to college, but it makes me think about paying for childcare when i go back to work, although mil and fil would be upset about this i think.

OP posts:

Pumpster · 02/11/2012 20:03

My babies have all slept as and when, I'm not running my life around naps!
I think you may be a bit pfb

Choufleur · 02/11/2012 20:05

I don't think it will hurt him to miss naps sometimes. Be grateful they want to spend time with him.

socharlotte · 02/11/2012 20:06

YABU and PFB
.At 7 months he will sleep regardless of where he is , or what he is doing if he is really tired.

LingDiLong · 02/11/2012 20:09

So what happens when he doesn't have a nap? Is he a bit grumpy? Unbearable? Unable to get to sleep in the evening? If it's the former YABU, if it's the latter YANBU

fotheringhay · 02/11/2012 20:10

Yanbu, that would really stress me out. Best of luck

StarlightMcKenzie · 02/11/2012 20:12

What pumpster said. Baby was fine at taking the naps needed in womb why interfere outside?

Mrscog · 02/11/2012 20:18

Socharlotte That's not strictly true if they are changing location all the time. My DS will sleep anywhere, but if he falls asleep in the car for 15 mins, and then is woken when we move in to the house he goes in to meltdown and won't nap until his next one is due. I really don't think it's an unreasonable request of the OP to ask that they give him 30-40 mins in one place so that he can have a sleep.

This is different to the 'oh the IL's won't feed my PFB organic spinach and then sing lullabys to him in B major' requests.

lovelyredwine · 02/11/2012 20:20

Yanbu. Some kids will sleep anywhere, others won't regardless of how tired they are. Until you've had one of those kids who wake up when the car is stopped/ pram stops moving then it's difficult to judge. My dd was one of these so you have my sympathy, but then my mil and mum wouldn't have done that as dd is grumpy when tired and no fun.

Putting them in nursery will not necessarily solve the problem as they may wake up due to the noise of other kids etc. Could you mil and fil to do bedtime with you when he's not had enough sleep so that they can see how he reacts?

JackThePumpkinKing · 02/11/2012 20:21

It doesn't matter if you're paying them or not. If someone is looking after him then they need to make sure he's getting naps. Total rot to imply that you can only have influence/preference on how someone is looking after your child if you're paying them. Its lovely that GP can have him, but it shouldn't cause conflict, should it?
A deviation in routine is obviously fine, but if they are not letting him have enough sleep it's not fair on him is it?

BUT if it doesn't affect him too much, and he's happy there, and it doesn't bugger up his sleep later on then leave it be.

If it's completely screwing him up and making him miserable then you need to mention it.

JackThePumpkinKing · 02/11/2012 20:23

"What pumpster said. Baby was fine at taking the naps needed in womb why interfere outside?"

Hahahaha. OK then. DS was a nightmare sleeper from the word go. If someone had said something like that to me when DS was 7mo I would have cried in despair.

3LittleHens · 02/11/2012 20:24

It is so important for little ones to get enough sleep for all the obvious reasons, and particularly if they are/have been poorly.

I think you need to tell them again in a very kind and diplomatic way that it really is very important for him, otherwise it disrupts his sleep pattern, and he gets grouchy etc etc.

Although they're clearly doting GPs, sadly they are being unfair on the little mite.

Good luck!

whatsforyou · 02/11/2012 20:25

People who think set/regular nap times are not that important or a bit pfb must have been blessed with babies who sleep well. I am not in the slightest pfb but I know if my ds doesn't get enough regular naps he is an absolute nightmare!
I don't think you are BU as you said you wouldn't normally say anything but had asked specifically this time.

YouOldSlag · 02/11/2012 20:27

YABU. Even if they sat in one place for an hour, would that guarantee your DS would sleep during that hour? IME babies will conk out of they are knackered and location doesn't matter.

I hate to add to a cliché, but you really should be grateful you are getting free care from GPs who really want to be in your son's life. I have heard so many depressing stories lately about GPs who just don't want to know, that it's nice to hear about some who do.

You could of course pay for childcare as you mentioned upthread, but you still won't be able to guarantee that he will nap as long as you want him to or even when you want him to.

In a few years time, this period will be just a memory, so keep the GPs on side, you'll need them in future. And their future is shorter than yours.

StarlightMcKenzie · 02/11/2012 20:31

He doesn't sleep 'well'. None of mine did or at least they were all different. They just sleep when they sleep and it varies from day to day/night to night depending a whole host of things.

With my first I tried routines etc, but it just caused so much upset for everyone, now I just understand that babies know what they need and it is our interference that stuffs it up.

OwedToAutumn · 02/11/2012 20:32

Absolutely do not have them as permanent childminders, when you go back to work. They could have your DS for one or maybe two days a week, and get to "spoil" him and it will be lovely for them all.

But if they are the main childminders, you are likely to have a lot of conflict when their ideas differ to yours. Will they want to smack? "potty train" from 12 mths? Give lots of sweets and sugary drinks? Will he come home shattered every evening, just as you are coming home shattered from work?

JackThePumpkinKing · 02/11/2012 20:32

I agree that you should be grateful that they want to be in your life, and to keep them on side rather than alienate them.

But its that they're ignoring your wishes, isn't it? I suppose the nap in itself isn't the issue, but that they're not listening to you about what you think is important?

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