to be cross with parents in law for not taking 7mo ds's sleep seriously?

[Lirogiro]

MY mil and fil look after my 7mo ds a couple of afternoons a week. They are lovely and generally look after my son well. However they like to be doing stuff with him so don't prioritize his sleep.
My ds will go to sleepin the car, his pushchair or will be rocked to sleep and go down in his cot, so they could go out with him as long as they gave him an hour or so in one place to have a good nap, but it's always whistling about, 15 mins in the car, 30 mins in the shops etc.
Usually I let it slide because they are doing me a favour but today it's really got to me. They'd agreed to have ds for an hour for me to get a haircut but then asked if they could have him for the whole afternoon. I said that was fine as long as they gave him time to have a good nap as he's getting over a cold. They said they would but when they dropped him off it transpired that they had been all over the place as usual and ds had 10 mins sleep in the car.
I feel really angry about it because I asked them specifically. Aibu? And how can I address it in a nice way that they'll take notice of?

Agree with socharlotte. Very pfb and one day you will laugh at this.

OP, I know the joys or a difficult sleeper, YANBU.

DS grandparents also look after DS once a week each. I don't pay them and I do paid work (from home) when they have him. They want to spend time with him and I see it as a win win scenario for us all, they get to see him, I am doing something else so not hovering around them, and DS loves being with his GP's.

However, I would cancel all such arrangements if they didn't enable DS to get what he needs, which is his naps. This means, like you, not being transferred from locations etc. You have my sympathy, it is really hard to want to let them just take LO off and adore them however they so wish, without dreading what overtired meltdowns you may have to endure for the hours after they have gone and are relaxing at home.

I don't think this is what I want, but what he needs, and it would be very unfair on him to ignore that.

Have you tried explaining to them what happens when he doesn't get his naps? Can they stick around for an evening and see it for themselves? DS GP'S all thought we were embellishing how bad DS sleep was until they saw the results of no naps for themselves.

It is sometimes hilarious to see what some people (yes, OP, I'm looking at you) find to complain about.

Thanks for the laugh.

starlight
You clearly know what worked for your babies, mine would not sleep anywhere, rarely in a car or a buggy,wouldn't co sleep. He needed routine. Babies are all different and OP knows what her baby needs and the ILs aren't respecting that. They are putting their wants before the baby's needs, even if they are doing it with the best of intentions.
And I would say that disturbing the bAby every 20 mins or so is them interfering with the baby's sleeping.

YANBU.

I have this same issue with DM. DD has always been a bad napper and DM simply does her own thing and hands DD back completely overtired and overstimulated. If DM pops over when DD is napping, DM will sulk and then proceed to talk very loudly (we live in a flat) so that DD will wake up............

It isn't about the sleep per se, it's about respecting a) what you've asked them to do and b) what's best for DC.

Don't be fooled into feeling like the GPs are doing you a favour - it's only a favour if it helps you.

It's a really tough situation, I feel for you. It's really hard to "tell off" the GPs without sounding like you're being rude or all PFB.

"babies know what they need and it is our interference that stuffs it up"

Not true for every baby. I had one that was the complete opposite - left to her own devices it was a nightmare, when we started a routine things rapidly improved. Being pretty strict about your baby's routine isn't pfb. Some baby's just really need to be encouraged or helped to sleep.

It isn't worth damaging a relationship with your ILs over, but it does need talking through. Can you find an angle they would buy in to?

Yanbu - they wanted him for longer you set the rules - they agreed and didn't follow through.

Have you asked them why they do it?

socharlotte I'd love to see you try and get mine to sleep wherever, even when she needs it. She used to be like that, but having reached the grand old age of nearly four months, she gets grizzly and horrid but will only sleep if given a good thirty minutes in the same place to drop off - be that arms, pram, bouncy chair, car, wherever. Hopping here, there and everywhere is not right for her. I don't live my life round her naps, but I do try and make sure that there is an opportunity for her to sleep - which is doesn't sound like the op's pils are doing.

I'm afraid - and maybe I'm incredibly spoilt here - but I don't agree with those of you who say "it's free childcare, get over it". My mum might help with dd when I go back to work, but I would hope she would try and implement, where reasonable, the "routine" I have with dd. Just because you're not paying them, doesn't mean they have the rights to ignore perfectly reasonable requests, which this is.

yanbu.

But I'm a routine queen and my family knew the DC's routines like clockwork. Sometimes they would have an outing but in general they stuck to the routine as I would be the one dealing with the fall out afterwards (and my family are generally pretty nice).

YANBU, but I only know this because of DD, who was a nightmare napper and woe betide us if we missed the window of opportunity for her naps.

If we'd stopped at only DS I'd have thought you were being neurotic and PFB, didn't know how lucky we were with him, DD was a very rude awakening (pun intended!).

YABU. You are lucky to have caring inlaws to HELP YOU out.

YABU
You cannot micro manage your parents and what they do with your child.
You either trust them with your child or not. I suggest that you get use to not always being 100% in control of what happens in your childs life, whether it be with GP's, Nursery or Childminder and work out really what is important and relax about the rest.

And I say all this as the mother of a child that didn't sleep for around 2 years!

Anyways, the different experiences that your child will have with GP's and the way they will look after your child can be quite enriching for them!

YANBU at all. Naps are crucial for babies' wellbeing. Am shocked at the responses on this thread.

"IME babies will conk out of they are knackered and location doesn't matter."

That is a load of old shite.

I have 3 good sleepers, but only one of them would reliably sleep wherever she was and even then got less sleep than she ideally needed if we were out and about.

OP - they are shit at childcare, so pay for someone who will put your child's welfare ahead of their own fun.

And don't let them look after him unless he is in perfect health and well rested.

Being a grandparent isn't a reason to make a child miserable out of utter selfishness.

Proper grandparents (not the tedious "spoiling" kind) actually care about more than treating their grandchildren as playthings.

Simple solution. Don't let then have him. Do as you wanted to and pay for childcare.
I promise you will soon get bored of that and wish you had some free childcare.
Imo babies slip into the real world a lot easier than people think.

Everyone seems to be missing the point that the GPs asked to have the baby for the whole afternoon.

I had children who didn't really nap and we didn't bother trying to make them, as it seemed to make no difference to their crap night sleeping. But I can still understand that some children are different to mine.

What's with all this - 'You're not paying for it, so lump it' attitude?
If I look after my DGC I follow what their parents would like me to do, unless I want to take them out to a specific place - Zoo or soft play, in which case it's my way.
But if I'm asked to look after them, I go along with the parents wishes unless something has been discussed first.

It's got nothing to do with payment, it's consideration. DGC aren't toys!

Also the OP said she usually does let it go but it especially annoyed her because her DS had been ill. Even more reason to give him the chance to have a nap.

My DM minds dd while I am at work (shifts, so generally 2.5 days per week), and this is the reason I pay her.

I asked her to help me find a CM, she insisted dd went to her, do I said only if we do it properly. Thankfully she is a registered CM anyways. I like that I can specify certain things. I pay her as I expect a service, and while she insisted it should be free I couldnt have sent dd to her knowing I didnt have a little bit of a say in her care there.

Doesn't your DP have a say in this as he barely gets a mention?

After reading your OP I thought you were single.

Over the course of his life he will benefit far more from regular and close contact and a good relationship with his grandparents than regimented naps as a baby. Look at the bigger picture.

The fact is that the OP made it clear that her DS needed a good long nap and they ignored that.

Whether you think that she was BU for wanting to have a good sleep is neither here nor there, she asked them to do ONE thing and they ignored her. They whys and wherefores of what that thing was is irrelevant. If they want to mind him then they need to follow the parents requests and if they wont do that then they must accept that she will pay for appropriate alternative care.

I dont see that they can possibly be justified in being upset if they wont do what the parent thinks is best for the child.