To give him 6 months to show some commitment?

[Nights]

Basically, I'm mid 30s, never been married. I have a career, friends, money and social life so I don't NEED a man - I simply want to be in a strong, committed relationship - it's just something in life I want. I want marriage.

Anyway, been with a guy 4 months. He's great, we have loads in common and do loads of fun stuff together. He's told me he loves me and has mentioned about me meeting his family but has so far not pulled this off - fair enough, we've only been together 4 months.

But I do want some sign of commitment soon - I'm scared of wasting anymore time on someone that will never commit. By January, we will have been together 6 months. AIBU to give him until then to show some commitment or re-evaluate the relationship or am I being way too harsh?

Lots of guys are absolute time-wasters - and I totally understand your thinking whether it's 4 months or 4 years.

A good friend of mine (whom I must add is very happily married now), used to use a great tactic. In a joking way she would blurt out: "ARE YOU GOING TO MARRY ME THEN."

She wasn't joking at all, and would suss them out straight away by their immediate reaction.

Good luck!

Yeah but there's time wasters and theres others lots and lots of others who are very normal people that get a bit freaked out by demands.

I would suggest that you state your EXACT goals with approximate timeline BEFORE you enter ANY kind of a relationship with a man from now on until your menopause.

You have absolutely NO time to waste from now on. The clock is ticking and I recently met a woman who decided to have her first child at 42 (not sure why not earlier, given she had a 11 year marriage before that), but the doctor told her she already had her menopause.

I would speak form experience: even though I already had one child, at 36 I knew I wanted another 2 children with a man who loves me and is married to me. So, I always stated this to potential partners and most of course ran away, and NOTE - without wasting my time. BUT. When I mentioned this to my current husband (younger than me ;), (I just told him that I have one year to find a husband and three years to birth two children) - he just said he wanted the same and we started working on it. Now, about 2 years later, we only have one more child to go ;)
We have had common goals from the beginning and I NEVER ever had any doubts about his commitment. Please, don't waste your time with undecided infantile non-men. You deserve better!!!

Op are you, perhaps, my sister?

4 months is way too early for an ultimatum, but I would be having a gentle mature calm no alcohol involved conversation about whathe wants out of life. Along the lines of "what do you want in future then, marriage and kids or the batchelor life?" i woul stress you're not looking for a shiny ring just now, but that you know what you want and you dont want to waste time with someone who wants a different outcome just because its fun now.

i got round the whole problem with internet dating where there is a box to tick that says "i'm looking for..." and choiced of "just fun", "new friends", "someone to go out on dates with", "a potential marriage partner". It helped it was a faith based site so that alone screened out most of the meat hunters looking for desparate 30+ women to use and ditch. unfortunately it did attract the serious visa hunters though!

take a deep breath and decide how you can find out about his future dreams without making it sound like "propose now or leave".

good luck.

There's some AWFUL advice on this thread! Wait a couple of years??? You have to be kidding!!! It's not about being mad or desperate, it's about being really clear about what you want, and seeing does this guy fit the bill! A poster called you selfish for thinking that way - it's your LIFE and perhaps if more people were focussed there would be less resentful bitter people around who realise they settled for what they could get.

I don't think you need an ultimatum - but you sound like a sensible sort. See how Christmas goes - does he involve you with his family and the people that are important to him? Does he buy you a romantic present? Do you feel loved and cherished? When you talk about Christmas NEXT year what does he say? Do you feel like you're in his plans? If this isn't right, honestly deep you'll know.

Very best of luck! (Btw had 2 long term rels and a couple of shorter ones - met DH, engaged in 6 weeks when both 32, now together 10 years, 3 kids. "Love isn't looking inward at watch other, it's looking outward in the same direction.")

Hey, don't ask, don't get! TALK to him. You love each other, that implies you can communicate.

Talk to him

you may be surprised.

I see where you are coming from, but there is Christmas and NYE to go before you hit the 6 month mark. Have you had the what are we doing for christmas talk yet? Plenty of opportunities to meet the family then. That should be a good test.

YABU, it's only been 4 months. Plus I don't think it's possible to "love" someone so soon; lust, infatuation, obsession, rose coloured glasses, but not "love". You're still in that giddy new exciting phase where people are on their best behaviour. Only when you've seen them at their worst and have got to know each other warts and all, got through some tough times and got through the other side with mutual respect and fondness can you say you "love" each other OMHO. You need to have had bad times to know whether the good times are Love I reckon; that's the litmus test.
Perhaps see how xmas and NY go then have a chat about life goals to see if you're suited on that level.

I agree that four months is no time at all, but when I first met DH I had been single and having flings for a couple of years and I was bored of it. I told him straight away that if he wasn't interested in being my boyfriend and wanted something casual there was no point in continuing.

I think if he's told you he loves you and has talked about meeting family and moving in together he is committed. Just talk to him more.

Maybe leave it a couple of months? 6 months sounds more reasonable to have a casual "where is this going chat". Is usually about the time such things happen anyway,in my experience.