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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give him 6 months to show some commitment?

61 replies

Nights · 02/11/2012 17:23

Basically, I'm mid 30s, never been married. I have a career, friends, money and social life so I don't NEED a man - I simply want to be in a strong, committed relationship - it's just something in life I want. I want marriage.

Anyway, been with a guy 4 months. He's great, we have loads in common and do loads of fun stuff together. He's told me he loves me and has mentioned about me meeting his family but has so far not pulled this off - fair enough, we've only been together 4 months.

But I do want some sign of commitment soon - I'm scared of wasting anymore time on someone that will never commit. By January, we will have been together 6 months. AIBU to give him until then to show some commitment or re-evaluate the relationship or am I being way too harsh?

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 02/11/2012 17:48

I get you. I spent 2 years with someone who never wanted to get married. I realise now the engagement ring was to shut me up. So, when I met my next boyfriend I asked him if he ever wanted to get married and have children. He looked Shock. Makes me laugh just thinking about it. Told him he didn't have to marry me I just didn't want another 2 years with someone who didn't want the same things in life.

Now been married to him for 13 years, together for 16.

AThingInYourLife · 02/11/2012 18:00

There's no way in my mid-30s I'd have wasted my time on anyone who had strict policies about a certain number of years before they'd commit.

Although thinking about it, it's a very unappealing kind of attitude at any age.

I wouldn't give him a secret deadline. I would just talk to him about what you want.

If he doesn't want it too, then at least you know early in the game.

expatinscotland · 02/11/2012 18:33

Why not try talking to him? Or asking him yourself to take it to the next level?

MickeyTheShortOne · 02/11/2012 18:41

Give him at least a year! My DP took ages to show any kind of commitment. I had to beg to move in with him because I was so sick of living in my car! I can now happily say we are coming up to two years together and having our first child.

MickeyTheShortOne · 02/11/2012 18:43

*I will also add that it took us 3 months to actually realise that we were doing the right thing and come clean that we were together. Large age gap, bla bla bla.

Chandon · 02/11/2012 18:44

Oh, I believe more in opposites, ie going a bit vague and take some time off on your own, that way you can assess if A. You miss him and B. He misses you if you are not around.

I donot believe in putting anyone under pressure, at the time DH was a bit quick with the marriage proposal and I nearly bolted! Some people need time, and most people do not respond well to ultimatums and pressure.

Forcing his hand is quite a dangerous thing to do, imo ( but like I say, my view is coloured by being the sort of person who would not respond well to this)

TwitchyTail · 02/11/2012 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 02/11/2012 18:46

Oh, I've never married him Grin. That does feel like forcing my hand, despite his repeated suggestions.

mutny · 02/11/2012 18:48

Oh my. Yes yabu. Very. Sorry.

Its 4 months whats the rush?

CwtchesAndCuddles · 02/11/2012 18:55

I knew within a couple of weeks that DH was the "one" we were married within 8 months of meeting and both felt the same. I wasn't looking for a husband as I had just come out of a 16 year marriage but marriage was what we both wanted.

It sounds as though you are rushing things a bit but you do need to know if you are both thinking along the same lines - talk it through with him, if you can't talk to him honestly now than don't even think about marriage yet.

Laquitar · 02/11/2012 18:59

There is 4 months intense rl, and there is 4 months rl when you dont know each other well. If it is the latter then you are taking a big risk, the point wont be wether he wants to marry you and have dcs but how you get rid of him if you find out he is not right after dcs, mortgage, marriage? It can be a very costy story both emotionally and financially.

Spend some more time together, try him on holidays, try him on a crisis, then decide.

lovebunny · 02/11/2012 19:58

stop wasting your time and his.
take him out for a meal (hopefully he won't make a big fuss in public) and lay it on the line. you want marriage, and not in a few years time, but actually now. if he wants that, good. if not, this meal is your last together.
and mean it.

JustFabulous · 02/11/2012 20:25

I think that is unfair.

What I did was reasonable. Saying marry me now or we are over after 4 months is ridiculous.

scarletforya · 02/11/2012 20:41

Its four months Shock

You need to calm the hell down or you'll scare the man away! Don't be a Bunny Boiler OP. Softly, softly, catchy monkey.

ClippedPhoenix · 02/11/2012 20:45

Wow OP, you sound like some sort of nut!

You are being very controlling here.

I LOVE HIM, I WANT MARRIAGE.

If I were him I'd run for the hills.

You are seriously scary, really you are.

OneMoreChap · 02/11/2012 20:53

Fuck sake. You're not living with him yet. It's 4 months.
You want to marry him.

Sorry, OP, I'd be shouting to him . She wants to marry you when she doesn't know what you're like.

Was I him?
Running for the hills. Sorry.

ordinaryprincess · 02/11/2012 20:53

But obviously you don't know if you want to commit really either, do you? I agree that commitment is partly to do with wanting things out of life that require it, but it's also mostly partly about love. Giving ultimatums and setting deadlines hasn't got anything to do with that and that's why I think it could scare him off. He will, quite rightly, realise you're more interested in Marriage The Product than being with him. If you're not having the desperately-falling-in-love sort of romance and it doesn't sound like you are, it's hard to tell what you're actually wanting him to feel or do in such a short space of time.

However I do completely sympathise. My husband proposed on the fifth date and it felt like forever. That that was just the way it went for us - we couldn't have planned it. And it has had its drawbacks.

Also, why not harvest your eggs? It would take the pressure off that side of things.

OneMoreChap · 02/11/2012 20:55

scarletforya
Softly, softly, catchy monkey.

Hmm
expatinscotland · 02/11/2012 20:56

If you love each other, you should be able to talk to each other honestly like mature adults.

What kind of marriage will it be if you can't even discuss serious issues like commitment, money, children and the like?

suburbophobe · 02/11/2012 21:05

Softly, softly, catchy monkey.

Personally, I don't like to play games.

Lay it on the line what you want from life, for yourself, and see how he responds. Then you'll have your answer.

Marriage you can do always, really. If you are mid-thirties and wanting children, don't faff about. I think after 4 months you have a pretty good idea of how the relationship is going, if there's a future in it.

If not, move on.

I met the father of my DS at 34,

notmyproblem · 02/11/2012 21:56

YANBU.

4 months is nothing for someone of uni age, by mid-30s you know what you want and also when it's not worth wasting your time on someone.

Tell him how you feel. Tbh if he doesn't already feel the same about you it's unlikely to work out.

Even men's magazines advise a "6 month review" for guys with their girlfriends, certainly no different to where you're at.

uk.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_60/67_dating_tips.html

lovebunny · 02/11/2012 22:07

[sighs]
notmyproblem is on the right track, op, but you are getting bad advice from some here tonight. i repeat, therefore, do not waste your life waiting. either he wants or he doesn't. find out now. act now. or ditch him and look elsewhere.
you're looking for marriage, and soon.

OpheliaPayneAgain · 02/11/2012 22:12

I'm mid 30s, never been married. I have a career, friends, money and social life so I don't NEED a man - I simply want to be in a strong, committed relationship - it's just something in life I want. I want marriage

me me me me me - YOU want? Does he want? I doubt it - you sound aggressive and dare I say your eggs are probably going tick tock? He's probably tying the laces on his running shoes.

HecatePhosphorus · 02/11/2012 22:19

4 months is no time. Many people are just casually dating for years. If you start demanding commitment, that's not going to go well.

commitment is not something one person can demand from another. It develops naturally as a relationship progresses. In some it comes really quickly (I married my husband 3 months after I met him! ) in others it takes a long time (I know people who've been dating for 6 years and still don't even live together) But it MUST be a natural and mutual thing. To force it is to seem, well, desperate. And if there's one thing that's a relationship killer, its...?

Talk about where he sees things going, perhaps. But how would you demand commitment without having him running for the hills?

CaliforniaLeaving · 02/11/2012 22:26

Four months isn't long I agree with a lot of other posters.
But maybe in January you should get together and have a sit down talk about where you (and he) see the relationship going. Is he happy to carry on just dating, or does he see a future being engaged, married, kids.
That way you will know if he is going to be the one or if you are wasting time.