To exclude a family member?

[Dancergirl]

....from a family celebration due to that family member having personal hygiene issues?

yes YABU, unless it's a family sauna day.

Probably

Need more Info

Sounds a bit drastic OP.

Family sauna day?!?!

Not really much more info to add. PIL are having birthday celebration and I have been told they don't want to invite my mum as she has personal hygiene issues.

Do you mean the family member will finger the buffet with grubby paws, shit on the carpet and wipe him/herself on the curtains, or is s/he just a bit odoriferous?

Has s/he mental health issues, or is s/he one of those unfortunate people with a glandular condition that means even four baths a day doesn't quite prevent a bit of a cloud of ming following the person around?

if you are noticing it, I bet the rest of the family are too. It will not be a secret. It sounds a bit mean. Imagine how they will feel if they know you invited the rest of the family , but not them.

Oh how sad OP. Can't you have a discreet word with your mum about her hygene?

As a tangent to your post, why should your in-laws invite your mother at all? Technically she's not a family member, is she?

I think it would be unfair for your in-laws to exclude her and invite her brother, for example, but so long as it's just their family plus spouses / partners, they have no need to invite her, whatever reason they have for doing so.

If her personal hygience is putting people off inviting your mum to events, it might be worth a chat with her - she could be missing out on other social events because of this, and people aren't telling her the real reason.

Exactly. I feel really sad for my mum, she is on her own (widowed for a long time) and is becoming increasingly isolated. She's 80 and has a few health problems and has said she is becoming incontinent. I think that's what the smell is She won't see a doctor (doesn't like doctors) and won't really let anyone help. She doesn't have any close friends, none that I know of.

It puts me in a difficult position as I obviously have to attend and I am v upset/angry at my PILS as I think it's v unkind.

Fire they are also inviting the parents of their son-in-law (dh's sister's husband's parents). So same relationship. But they say they're invited because it's her birthday too.

My mum is only one extra person. I have known about they hygiene issue for a while and have tried dropping hints to my mum but it's still going on. I'm just sad for her.

Incontinent of faeces or urine? Buy your mum some pads and some freshen up wipes to keep in her handbag. The pads will be more absorbent. At 80 what is the doc going to do anyway?

Maybe it's time to have that word with her for everyone's sake or are you not really close to her. If my mum smelled I'd certainly tell her, kindly but plainly.

That's a good idea, I could buy her some pads.

Have you tried an upfront approach? It's horrible but it may work... a real stink can ruin a party, it's very overwhelming.

MY FIL has Alzheimers and is terrible at personal hygiene... we bring him to our house, run a hot bath with as many bubbles as it can take, pretty much order him into it, then steal his clothes (we give him PJs and a robe and slippers) I boil wash and dry his clothes while he waits. I am quite matronly, I apply deoderant to him, I give him a squirt of aftershave. He's always been quite a 'ripe' person, but clean clothes washed with freebreeze conditioner (and sometimes given a squirt of it whilst wearing) keep the odour to reasonable levels. I always sit next to him at parties, and I always have freshmints I force on him.

Would you be able to take responsibility for getting your mum in the bath pre-party? I would speak to your PILs and see if you can find a way to minimise the smell and include her.

You may be able to mask her odour for a couple of hours at least?

Poor woman. I do see it from your PIL's side though, they're not related to her so aren't as forgiving.

I am not surprised you are upset, but I do also think that it is unfair on others if there are hygiene issues. As her daughter it would seem you are the only person who would be able to gently help your mum and do your best to insist that she see a doctor.

I dont think it is fair to be angry at your PILs. People do not want the awful smell of incontinence next to them at a party..

I was at a supermarket till recently and the person in front of me had clearly got continence or hygiene problems, and the smell was absolutely awful, not just bad, really nauseatingly awful.

We've had a rocky relationship over the years and I am the only sibling in this country. Sometimes she sulks and doesn't speak to me for months on end.

I wouldn't bother with them. Don't take your Mum there, take her out for a nice meal yourself. She doesn't need their kind of company.

Also your blood relatives aren't part of PILs' family - so unless you or your DC are the honourees, it's not their family issue.

I hope you can find other ways of keeping your DM company, or finding company for her.

She sounds unhappy. :(

I know it's difficult, but you need to broach the subject with her, and maybe buy her some liners for her knickers and explain that she needs to change them etc. Does she bath or shower? Just asking as I know both DM and PIL have found this difficult as they've got older, and DM has just bought a seat that highers and lowers into the bath, which has really made bathing easier for her.

TBH I have some sympathy with your PIL.

Horrible when parents get old isn't it, and you have to start becoming the 'parent'.