Am I a mean bastard considering doing this to my son?

[OHforDUCKScake]

My 5.9 year old has started being really fussy with food the last few months. He says he only likes fish fingers or spare ribs. He's being difficult with eating food he previously likes, refusing to try new foods, bring generally a PITA most meal times.
Last night he wouldnt eat his sausage rolls, took an hour of complaining and coming up with all sorts of excuses 'why cant we have riiiiiiiiibs!?' 'Im fuuuuuuull. Can I have a biscuit/jelly/sweets/other crap'

This lunch time he asks for soup and roll. I get him an inoffensive chicken and veg soup. He dips his bread in once and says I dont like it and refuses to eat it.

Tonight we're supposed to be having ribs. His favorite. I said we'll all be having ribs, he'll be having his soup.

I feel like a right bastard. But I hate fussinesss and this is extreme fussyness and it has to stop.

He is fit and healthy and its slowly got worse over a few months and now its just too much.

YANBU to consider it as you're in a frustrating situation however I don't think it is an effective solution to the problem. Both my DSs are picky eaters and have been under the care of a dietician at one point because their weights were too low. DS2 in particular eats so slowly and is 'fullup' after such tiny quantities of food that he now has to receive supplement nutritional drinks. I have put the tips I have learned below so you can see if anything might help with your son.

• Treat each meal individually. If he will not eat, do not make him something else instead and don't keep the food for the next meal time.
• Offer rewards for eating, e.g. my DSs used to get one star for trying everything, two for eating everything on their plate, three if they eat second helpings as well. Now they're older they no longer get the one star reward.
• If you're concerned he's not getting enough food, introduce a fourth meal at bedtime, e.g. toast or a yoghurt.
• Present the food appropriately, e.g. my DS1 likes his spaghetti on top of his bolognese whereas DS2 likes his spaghetti cut up into small pieces and mixed with the bolognese. DS1 will only eat peas if they're mixed with mashed potato! He will also eat more noodles with chopsticks that with a fork (he holds one in each hand!) You don't have to go out of your way but these things can help.
• The only way to expand the things he will eat is to keep offering and encouraging him to try them (this is where the one star reward comes in handy). My DSs will try a tiny taste of most things if they'll get a star. DS1 used to gag on mushrooms but over the years (he's 9) he has got to the point where he will actively choose to eat them sometimes. Just by giving him one mushroom with his meal and asking him politely to at least try it. If I had forced him to eat up his mushrooms very time OR never given them to him because he didn't like them then he wouldn't eat them now. It takes a long time but it does work.
• Try and make mealtimes an enjoyable experience by encouraging him to eat rather than making him finish his food. If he tries something new or eats something he normally wouldn't and you tell him how pleased you are that he tried it then he'll be more likely to do so again. If it becomes a battleground then there's no incentive.
• Remember you do get adults that only eat crisps or pizza. I think if you let your child be fussy then they'll start to eat a smaller variety of foods, it's not something they'll overcome on their own. You're also teaching them a valuable social skill about food. I would never choose to eat an anchovy, I think their disgusting salty things but if I was out for dinner and I was given something with anchovies in I would be able to eat it to be polite. A fussy eater would say, I can't eat that and refuse it.

No way would I do this and I am pretty hard core.

Each meal as individual - eat it or don't and nothing in-between.

Make as little an issue out of it as humanely possible.

what pictish and valium said, treat each meal seperately, they either eat it or they dont but dont sit their eating ribs and give him soup, thats just mean!

That's mean!

My DGM has been telling me about when she was young and her DM actually had taken her to the GP because "she won't eat anything but mince and tatties", the GP turned round confused, asked her what the problem was and just told her to give her that if that's what she will eat, he got quite heated with her. :o

Now she eats far more than I will, as does my Uncle who lived off hotdogs and beans.

I would imagine there is far more nutrition in ribs and fish fingers compared to sausage rolls anyway and the good thing with fish fingers is if you make them yourself you can always hide veg, cheese etc in them.

No. Forcing someone to eat something they don't want is pretty bizarre and cruel. One thing a person should have control over, no matter what age they are, is what goes into their body. You have to separate food and emotion. You eat food because you want it and are hungry, not because you're being bribed, cajoled or threatened. Forcing someone to eat something they don't want isn't going to make them like it, it's just going to make food a source of conflict and upset.

Offer food, let him eat what he wants, take the food away, end of story. If he complains about being hungry offer the same food again, and if he refuses just comment that he mustn't be hungry then. Offer a healthy snack an hour or so later, but don't offer the same food for the next meal, that's taking it too far.

In my defense of someone who said I feed my kids shite, I cook everything from scratch 6 days a week because I have a child who is allergic to a ridiculous amount of food.

The sausage rolls were a panic dinner after we were stuck in the doctors for an hour and didnt have time to get to tesco.

After the first poster said cook him the ribs and giv him the soup I thought that would actually be a bit less bastard of me so I said Id do that.

But he just went and ate his soup anyway because he wanted a biscuit.

For the poster who said, cant I just say 'nothing until the next meal time' we do this. We have been doing this for a long while. Unfortunately is esculated passed that now.

Food issues are the second most common parenting issue in this country (guess what the first is? lol)

There is nothing to be gained by punishing a child for not liking something. You cannot dictate what your child does or dont like. You can make meal times less stressful though by following some of the good points on this thread. Serve something he likes with a new food on the side for him to try.

And keep it to one meal at a time. Carrying on till the next meal is not nice for anyone - I was served boiled onions for 3 days in a row when I was a child - gross and unfair.

My own son ate everything he was given until he was about 9. Since then his diet, whilst still relatively healthy, is quite restricted. I serve him a meal similar to the ones we are having. For instance he wont eat any veg if its cooked, he only likes chicken and he hates potatoes. So a roast is his worst nightmare. If I am cooking a roast I simply do him some cold chicken with chopped veggies (raw) and a yorkshire pudding. He is now 13 and starting to increase his diet again thankfully. But, to be honest, if I couldn;t do that I would simply make him something he would eat - why make mealtimes unhappy for everyone?

Food issues are "generally" just another phase that is best ridden out with the minimum of fuss.

Thats a really good post stuntnun - great advice. Except for this bit.."You're also teaching them a valuable social skill about food. I would never choose to eat an anchovy, I think their disgusting salty things but if I was out for dinner and I was given something with anchovies in I would be able to eat it to be polite. A fussy eater would say, I can't eat that and refuse it. .."

I would not, and do not, eat something I dislike to be polite. And I am not, and was never, a fussy eater. If someone served me olives or anchovies I would simply leave them on the side of my plate and say sorry but I dont like them. I would expect a guest in my home to do the same. Clearing a plate of food that you don't want or don't like simply to please someone else is not a good thing to be teaching our children.

People are really focusing on what he does and does like.

I need to stress here, that he is refusing to eat foods that he ate the whole of two weeks before and said he loves.

There are foods he doesnt like so I dont give him. But when he refuses for no good reasons its just silly.

And again he'll like them next week, whilst refusing a different meal the same day despite loving it the week before.

Does this make any sense?

Dont get why everyone thinks Im forcing him to eat food he doesnt like

I stated im my OP that it was food I knew he liked.

If he refuses food he likes then there are two possibilities -

1. He's five and thus contrary
2. He's five and thus a bit silly

Either way, he's five. He's not a rational adult who is making considered decisions in order to get on your nerves. Don't play into it. Be the adult and keep the situation civil and calm. Offer food, if it's refused take it away. Don't enter into silly conversations about liking or not liking food - you know that's not really the issue.

My rule is with my DD that she eats what she's given (within reason - if it's something she hasn't tried before I wouldn't be as strict) and if she doesn't eat it she doesn't get anything else as a main course - will still get her fruit. I just think you need to take the emphasis off food and just all get on with your mealtimes and don't force the issue. I think many children use pickiness with food as a way of getting attention.

Its pretty normal though ohforducks for children to like something one day and then hate it the next. Most of them do it at some stage.

Thank you.

I do get into logger heads with him and cant see the wood for the trees when it continues for a while.

He IS only 5.

I just worry because we've been doing the 'you dont have to eat it, but nothing until dinner time' and he's getting worse.

No need to worry, he won't starve. It's hard to hold your cool when they're being impossible but the thing to remember is not to get into any pointless discussions. You have to take the approach that it's your job to supply the food but whether he eats it or not is none of your business. He's arguing with you because he gets mummy involved in a big long discussion where he feels powerful. If you don't react at all he'll soon see it's all a bit pointless. He might get worse for a while but eventually it'll stop being an issue.

Well I now see I am being a total arse for getting annoyed about this sort of behaviour from my 18 mo . It's just that she not only refuses to eat what I have made that she loved last week, but sticks all the bits up to her mouth then goes bleurg and throws it on the floor. It feel gratuitous to me....

Just keep on keeping on. I understand your frustration, but getting vengeful will not produce results. It will escalate things. You say you know he likes that soup..but I think soup of any kind is something you've got to be in the mood for. My kids sometimes reject soup for no reason.
Your best plan is to essentially ignore it, and stick to your boundaries ie: not forcing him to eat anything he doesn't want to, but not offering an alternative.

My kids all eat veg (polishes medal) but they all went through the phase of disliking it intensely. I simply served up a portion with dinner despite, and said nothing about it. If they complained I said 'that's fine - just leave it on your plate' while tucking in myself.
Eventually they all came to stop regarding it as a battle of wills, and forgot how strongly they felt about veg...and then slowly but surely tried a little of this, a little of that, by their own volition.
I'd say 'good for you!' or 'well done' but nothing more.

With food issues you should always pl;ay the long game imho. The less a deal of it YOU make, the less he'll get anything from it.

I would let him have the ribs and just not make an issue of it at all... I think making more of a fuss about what they do and don't eat is harder than just going with the flow eventhough it can be an annoying waste of food.. However, I would just do one family meal I knew they would like and if they didn't eat it they wouldn't get anything else unless they had at least tried it.

Another voice here for starting each meal anew with at least the theoretical potential of it being a pleasant occasion. Have to admit it took a few years for theory to translate into any kind of fact in the cory household, but it was worth it in the end.

Trust me, I understand exactly what you are going through. I also understand that you feel you aren't getting anywhere with the 'nothing until the next meal then' stance but the bit you appear to be missing is the bit where you stay calm about it, tell him you don't mind whether he eats it or not and he can leave it if he wants to & carry on with whatever you are doing. No threats, no praise. It is food - it is not something to threaten over or praise over - then his big fat fuss doesn't get him any attention. It's a power struggle - that's all. He wont starve himself (he ate the soup!) :)

I think 'I don't like that' is often 5-year-old for 'I don't fancy that right this minute' which is why it varies from one minute day to the next. But you are giving him food he generally likes, so don't stress. Your 'job' as a Mum is to provide meals - it's his 'job' to eat. Don't confuse the two. I know it's hard to see them not eating, but if you do this, it will all sort itself out quickly.

again what pictish said that us exactly what we do with our five. no fuss, no drama if they eat it great, if they dont i simply take it away.

do not make a fuss. and if he does act up and is silly at the table i woukd remind him if his manners and if he isnt going to sit nicely he can have time out etc. mine are sent to sit at the bottom of the stairs (where we can see the) and can come back if they are going to sit nicely. cant actually remember the last time we had to do that but it works.

My mother force fed me everything i hated because she got such pleasure from making me suffer. Stop turning mealtimes into a battleground. Your kids will never forget and they will always hate that part of you.

You should also realise that sometimes people (children most often) change their "likes".
And he may claim to "not like" when what he really means is that he doesn't feel like eating it, as many adults often don't either.

Offer a range of foods. What did he have with the sausage rolls?
If you give a range of vegetables, carbs, etc, at least he is likely to eat some of it.

Also, I wouldn't prevent him from eating ribs. But would ask him to eat at least some of his soup.

I'd also allow some food in between meals. But just a biscuit or fruit, a yogurt, or a proper sandwich.

You're quite right NoKids, everyone has a point beyond which they won't go. I would eat an anchovy to be polite but there are foods I couldn't possibly choke down, I would struggle to eat ox tongue because I hate the grainy texture. I remember going to a very good restaurant with my BIL and he looked at the menu and pronounced that he couldn't eat anything on it! I see that my children are becoming more capable of trying different foods because they are gently encouraged to do so, They are never made to eat anything they don't want to.

Ducks my DS1 went through the exact same thing age 5, we put it down to starting school and being exposed to other children's food preferences. One day he would eat an apple/raisins/chicken pie perfectly happily, then the next time e was given it he refused. We have just got him eating apples again (which he used to love and ask for) but it had to be on his terms, he has been offered them for lunch but never made to eat them and he came back to them in his own time. As other posters have said it is a common problem. You need to deal with it in a way that causes the least stress at mealtimes but also gives your DS a reasonable diet.