To not support this adoption.

[DragonMamma]

My DF (53) and his wife (46) are foster carers and almost 18 months ago they were placed with a 10 day old baby who was born to a heroin & methadone addict who had withdrawl problems. This was their 18th child and they have had another long term placement, a boy, for almost 5 years and he's almost a teenager.

I'll be the first to admit that me and my stepmother have never got on, for reasons that are too long to go in to on here but basically stem from her insecurity and need to ostracise my father from me and my brother so that he had no links to my DM, who left him. However, I am relatively happy as long as he is, which he seems to be.

I found out through a friend(!) that they were planning on adopting the baby and was furious that they had discussed it with somebody so random before letting me know what they had planned to do.

I have said from the start that I do not support this adoption for the following reasons:

• their age, especially my dad who will be 71 when the girl comes of age.
• their health, my dad is a heavy smoker, does not exercise and drinks too much. My stepmum is grossly obese, lazy and has a kidney disease which will mean she will eventually need dialysis and a transplant - this also effects her mum and her sister and is likely to effect her sooner because of the strain her weight is putting on her organ function.
• the fact that my dad has said this is more for her than it is him (she doesn't have any kids and he lives in fear of being on his own) and that me and my brother will always come first and be number one. I don't think this is the right attitude to have, personally.
• lastly, I regularly ask him to spend more time with me and my DC's and have done for the past few years but he is too busy playing golf/going out etc, how can he even begin to commit to a toddler when he struggles to see his existing children and GC's?

I have spoken to him a number of times about this and he came around last night, under the guise of seeing us, to speak to me about this as the SS have asked for my details to send us forms to fill in. I said that I was not prepared to lie to the SW that I was supportive of his decision nor would I negate to mention the EA his wife subjected us to in order to hurry things along. He wasn't happy and said he would be angry if I did anything to spoil it.

He says it doesn't affect me, I disagree. She would legally be my sister and the nearest relatives she has - I don't even know her full name, date of birth or the first thing about her, despite me asking regularly to get to know her, if this is what he wants to go ahead and do. I don't agree that an adoption is something you proceed with and pretend it doesn't affect anybody else?

AIBU, should I just keep my oar out and say it's all hunky dory when there are serious reservations on my part about whether this is the right thing for the child.

It's probably worth mentioning that this little girl is only 10 days younger than my own, so I can relate to the stresses and strains of bringing up young children and can't see how they can provide a stable upbringing as they get older and there are some serious health implications for my stepmother (who only JUST passed the medical).

Sorry this is so long, I didn't want to drip feed!

I suppose, reading all the replies, I have admitted one thing to myself in so much that, I am a bit annoyed that my stepmother, who has made it her business to care for OTHER people's children, was so downright nasty and EA to her own husband's children.

I am struggling to reconcile this I suppose and maybe it is clouding my judgement but I do seriously have concerns over their health/weight/age issues combined. Especially as foster caring was something she initiated because she felt it was inappropriate for her to work her 'normal' job as she was known for her numerous long periods of sickness and hospital appointments, but needed an income until my dad retired.

I think it is a really good idea to be 100% honest and also it's a good idea to keep a copy of the form so you can show your dad. I think you need to keep your opinions to yourself regarding if you think they are healthy enough to adopt and the amount of time your dad spends with your DC, also I think if they do adopt this child it would be the right thing to do to support them and your new sister as much as you can.

You mentioned you had initial shock when your DM had another baby. DO you think maybe this is the same thing? I don't think it's normal for grown up offspring to have even initial shock at such happy news, maybe you should think about the emotions it brings up for you.

Maybe they have not told you her last name or dob as it is a security risk? I can't see why you would nee that information, it's more imprtant to know what a toddlers faveroit toy is called or what foods they love than their last name.

MissVerinder I am quite shocked by this, they have separate cars on a day to day basis but my DF smokes in his car and I know that he regularly transports her at the weekend as my stepmum goes shopping most weekends for a break. Obviously he doesn't smoke with her in the car but he does turn up here reeking of smoke as he likes to have a couple on the drive back from work.

Dragonmamma this is so obviously, and understandably, dragging up lots of issues for you about feelings of rejection and not being put first by your father in the past. Just because we are adults doesn't mean that we are still not hurt when we feel unimportant to our parents. Your posts almost shout how sidelined and unloved you feel by this, and I understand that.

But I think you need to seriously consider this yourself, as you seem to dismiss this and insist that you only object on reasonable capacity to parent grounds.

Then I think you need to fill out the form as honestly as possible, with honesty meaning honest about them and honesty to yourself about your own feelings about this, so that they don't seep into your judgement.

So hard to do. Not many can be that honest and self reflective.

Think abut the form very seriously until you are happy that you've expressed your views in ways that you feel you'll be able to live with whatever the outcome.

I think it's a good idea to show your dad the form,that way you'll check yourself by putting only what you really feel is justifiable rather than allowing the understandable bitterness to seep in.

Then talk lots in RL and on here about how you feel about the adoption, about your own hurt that is, not them, about all your feelings from being a little girl yourself have been brought back and how you can now live with this as an adult focusing on your own family.

I really feel for you, this must be very hard.

I think it would be a good idea to copy the form and keep for your records.

Obviously if you have a difficult relationship there can then be no question/accusations of what was said etc.

It is a very difficult thing for you to have to support something like this when not all has been plain sailing between you all as a family.

honeytea the circs around my DM were slightly different as I was 6 months pg myself at the time and was obviously hormonal and panicking as I was a SP and worried that I wouldn't have my mum to guide me. It's worked out brilliantly though as my DD and Dsis are close in age and like sisters themselves. I have tried to initiate some contact with the little girl and my DC2, given their age but this has fallen on deaf ears and DF admitted to me last night that I have tried to get to know her, so I can forge a relationship if it does go through (and even tried before adoption was mention as I thought it would be nice for DC2 to have a playmate of a similar age), but it's all been ignored and he does accept he hasn't attempted to let us get to know her so I am not the bitter, twisted DD that some people may like to think I have. The name and DOB thing isn't anything sinister AFAIK, he just hasn't seen it worth mentioning. I know the other child's name and DOB and send birthday cards etc as I have got to know them more over the years as my DF brings them with him when he visits as DD likes their company.

I think you need to focus on answering the questions SS ask you. Don't allow wider issues about your relationship with your Dad and Stepmother to cloud this - just answer the questions you are asked, honestly and fairly.

For those who say the OP's parents are foster carers so what's she moaning about, adoption is very different to fostering. Being foster parents doesn't automatically mean people are wonderful - there's a serious shortage of foster parents in many areas so SS are grateful for every pair of hands. (Not to criticise foster parents in general, I'm sure many of them are fantastic.)

I think you should just fill out the form and not discuss it with your DF. He's not discussing his decisions, neither do you have to discuss yours. Addotionally, if they are really being considered even with the health issues, I doubt they will fail basede on your report. It will be part of the file anyway.

And consider that you may actually be caring for this child one day, especially if their health and SM family isn't healthy. So creating a relationship is very important for the baby!

They have already done and are doing a massive massive service to society by fostering (18 children have known a family even if for a short period of time).

I think YABU.

I also think that your reasons are excuses. That you simply wanted to be involved, though you have no right to be.

You are an adult now, and so the sisterly relationship will be different from if you were still a child.

I do feel that you are bitter and may well have good reason for being that way, but your post reads more like you're clutching at straws for reasons they shouldn't adopt this baby, that has been with them a while, who they've bonded with and want to give a permanent family to. Although your bitterness may be valid, I think that what is best for the child is not your strongest concern here.

I do hope you can find it in yourself to try and fill in the form without voicing your disagreements, or at least do the minimum required.

My sisted and her husband are going through the adoption process right now, and it's not easy at all. They were smokers (they gave up), they were drinkers (they gave up) - once you're within the process you have a very serious chance to change.

It sounds like there is tension about how much your dad spends with you, and your DC's. Unfortunately, just because he doesn't put the required effort in to you, an adult now, doesn't mean he won't be a good father to his adopted child. If everything you state in your OP is true about them, it's unlikely they will be approved for adoption when it comes to panel anyway. You will destroy any potential good relationship with your father and step mum if you fight this in the way you describe, so if you think that's worth it. Don't lie.

I think YABU. If your parents have had this little one for 18 months and want to adopt, it is probably because they love her and already feel she's their child. The child probably already feels their her parents. Unless you really feel they would not be fit parents (which you should of course tell ss about) then I can't see how their age and health problems mean the girl would be better off being seperated from her caregivers for the second time in her young life than staying with them.

I think that your dp not spending as much time with you and your family is a seperate issue. Surely you can see that the little girl is more vulnerable and needs him more?

Feilefoo has raised an important issue. Given the health of the OP's DF and SM, the question of possible future guardians for the child does rear it's ugly head if the adoption succeeds.

I would agree the OP answers the question fairly and honestly, keeping the needs of the child firmly at the top of the list. But do keep a copy of whatever you write.

I would think there are a lot of young people with drinking/smoking/health problems too that have children.

Not the childs fault of abuse in the womb.

And sw seem to have no probs with their state of health and age.

(a number of children are also literally brought up by GP's (older people)too as their parents go to work).
What a selfish person to deny a child a chance of happiness and love and security with a family who love them in spite of and despite of any issues the child may have.

And if people were proper parents there wouldnt be SS, childrens homes etc etc. and your DPs sound like proper parents, wether they share DNA or not.

A friend of mine adopted a child who'd had alcohol and drugs in the womb and the child could not be more loved by my friend, and firends DH is in his 60's. and a proper father and mother they are.

Put yourself in the childs place please, OP