To not support this adoption.

[DragonMamma]

My DF (53) and his wife (46) are foster carers and almost 18 months ago they were placed with a 10 day old baby who was born to a heroin & methadone addict who had withdrawl problems. This was their 18th child and they have had another long term placement, a boy, for almost 5 years and he's almost a teenager.

I'll be the first to admit that me and my stepmother have never got on, for reasons that are too long to go in to on here but basically stem from her insecurity and need to ostracise my father from me and my brother so that he had no links to my DM, who left him. However, I am relatively happy as long as he is, which he seems to be.

I found out through a friend(!) that they were planning on adopting the baby and was furious that they had discussed it with somebody so random before letting me know what they had planned to do.

I have said from the start that I do not support this adoption for the following reasons:

• their age, especially my dad who will be 71 when the girl comes of age.
• their health, my dad is a heavy smoker, does not exercise and drinks too much. My stepmum is grossly obese, lazy and has a kidney disease which will mean she will eventually need dialysis and a transplant - this also effects her mum and her sister and is likely to effect her sooner because of the strain her weight is putting on her organ function.
• the fact that my dad has said this is more for her than it is him (she doesn't have any kids and he lives in fear of being on his own) and that me and my brother will always come first and be number one. I don't think this is the right attitude to have, personally.
• lastly, I regularly ask him to spend more time with me and my DC's and have done for the past few years but he is too busy playing golf/going out etc, how can he even begin to commit to a toddler when he struggles to see his existing children and GC's?

I have spoken to him a number of times about this and he came around last night, under the guise of seeing us, to speak to me about this as the SS have asked for my details to send us forms to fill in. I said that I was not prepared to lie to the SW that I was supportive of his decision nor would I negate to mention the EA his wife subjected us to in order to hurry things along. He wasn't happy and said he would be angry if I did anything to spoil it.

He says it doesn't affect me, I disagree. She would legally be my sister and the nearest relatives she has - I don't even know her full name, date of birth or the first thing about her, despite me asking regularly to get to know her, if this is what he wants to go ahead and do. I don't agree that an adoption is something you proceed with and pretend it doesn't affect anybody else?

AIBU, should I just keep my oar out and say it's all hunky dory when there are serious reservations on my part about whether this is the right thing for the child.

It's probably worth mentioning that this little girl is only 10 days younger than my own, so I can relate to the stresses and strains of bringing up young children and can't see how they can provide a stable upbringing as they get older and there are some serious health implications for my stepmother (who only JUST passed the medical).

Sorry this is so long, I didn't want to drip feed!

I wonder if this 18 month old would rather stay with the only parents she has ever known, or be taken away to live with a younger, healthier family?

OP, how do you think your DD would cope with going to live with "better" parents?

I don't think it really matters if you support the adoption or not, it will be Social Services who decide. Answer their questions honestly, but don't use this as an opportunity to be malicious or get revenge on your step mother.

Ah, they won't take any notice of whatever you say. In my experience of my ex foster dad adopting a child, they might forget to even ask you even if you make it clear you have concerns.

They are currently foster carers though Spero.

This is a child of an addict mother, are the adoptive parents the sort that would cope with the child has special needs that are discovered as the child grows older?

DHs dad was 58 and his mum 41 when his sister was born (and not much younger when he came along).

Sadly they are no longer with us, now but they supported their DCs through school, university and to finding life partners of their own.

No elder parents aren't perfect, only DMIL lived to meet DD1 and non of the younger ones have.

A damaged foster child needs a special home for forever. That may not be the most conventional.

My DF and his partner adopted a girl just over 3 years ago.

I found out just as they were on their way to collect her.

I couldn't be more happy for them. Yes, the time he has for us and his grandchildren (my kids) is now a bit more limited but they are a happy family unit.

My girls, one older and one younger than their girl, love their "aunt" and I adore her too. Can't imagine life without her.

My DM bitched had reservations but at the end of the day it is noone else's business.

You sound a bit bitter tbh, you maybe need to adjust your own attitude.

No need to tell any lies to SW.

But it is a whole different set of considerations and assessments between adoption and fostering.

Frankly on health grounds alone, I can't see them being successfully assessed to adopt.

Firstly, I hope you have changed some if the details because there aren't many withdrawal babies in foster care waiting to be adopted, especially ones that have gone straight from the hospital. Anyone could be reading this.

Secondly, it's none of your bloody business. They've had 18 foster children and one little lad since he was a toddler and is a teenager? Let the social workers do their job. Do you think they would trust them with all these children if they thought they weren't up to scratch?

You sound mean spirited. Their suitably in terms of health will be checked out by medical professionals. Its not for you to make a decision on that. And if you thought there was a serious problem with their parenting skills, then why didn't you say something before 18 children passed through their hands in foster care? You sound as though you have a massive axe to grind and you need to think about where your true motives lie. Don't forget that the baby may not be rehomed that easily, depending on the effect of the heroin on him / her before birth. Things aren't always in black and white.

I think you are letting your dislike of your SM cloud your judgement TBH

You obviously have lots of your own issues with your father and his wife, and I think it's difficult for you to separate these from the issue of your father adopting. Your OP is jumbled up between reasons about you and reasons about the baby.

It's very hard to separate them, but as your are an adult now you need to make some attempt to do so.

All the reasons such health and lifestyle will be seriously considered by the panel, you should be honest in your views but deeply consider each time 'is this fair, am I making this about me?' then allow SS to do their job where your views will be considered along with all other information.

You need to think about how you will deal with this if the adoption goes ahead, and how your relationship with your father will be if he feels you deliberately sabotaged it for them. Those are really your only concerns, the deceiosn about the adoption is not yours to take, how you deal with it is.

We could debate on here whether they'd make good adopters or not based on the info you've given, but that seems rather futile, as we don't have all other information and the decision is not yours or ours. All factors will be very carefully considered by the adoption panel.

They must be pretty good foster parents if they were allowed to foster a drug dependent baby. As others have said, you sound mean spirited. I would be honest in your report to the SW. You won't be the only person the SW will contact and if others say the same as you then your father and step mother won't be allowed to adopt. I think their ages are pretty irrelevant, there are plenty of older parents these days.

TBH it does sound more like your own personal dislike for your SM is pushing you to potentially throw a spanner in the works of this adoption.

I would think very carefully about the impact that you voicing your own personal concerns will have on your relationship with your father, your children's relationship with their grandfather and the fall out for the little girl who they would like to adopt.

It does sound as if there is a degree of jealousy involved and i think in your circumstance, this is understandable.

I agree with MrsDeVere that you should be honest and answer the questions but i would think carefully about the reasons for your answers. Is it really about them or you?

If you feel 'furious' that they discussed it with a friend, then it does sound as though your feelings could be a bit skewed.

I have only got as far as the 'heavy smoker' bit and not read any replies, but there is NO WAY a local authority would place a 10 day old baby with foster carers who smoke in the house, out the house or anywhere else.

I say that as a foster carer.

Thanks for all your responses, both good and bad.

JustFabulous My dad tells me she's around 10 days younger than my DC2 but I don't know specifically when her birthday is and I only know her first name. I don't know whether she has a middle name or even what her surname is.

Schmaltzing No, she hasn't, I just learned to keep out of her way. I'm not sure what the form will ask, I haven't yet received it by DF says it will ask about family history, any abuse, suitability to adopt.

I'm not really well versed on how fostering works, but my DF informs me that because they are employed by a private agency they historically get the more difficult to place children - that the local authority can't place with their own foster carers. Probably around half of the babies they have had have had some form of drug problems at birth so this little girl isn't the first but fared better in terms of recovery than some of the others, who suffered more/longer.

I genuinely don't have an axe to grind, I just doubt their ability to be good, stable parents in the longer term, despite them doing ok now. Yes, I won't make the decision and I know that it will be decided by a panel. My question was, should I even raise my issues in the first place, or just say the 'right' thing and just let it slide?

I'm a bit upset that I've come over as unpleasant - I really am not, this has given me many sleepless nights over what is the 'right' thing to do by the little girl and also my dad, who I do love dearly.

lighthousekeeping the second child hasn't been with them since a toddler - they are much older than that. Also, there are a LOT of fostercarers that aren't up to scratch, my DF informs me of this regularly as he goes to meetings where they are basically making a career out of it and seem to do very little above the minimum. There are also instances locally where a foster carers have been convicted of killing children in their care so whilst I accept that most are good, there's a fair few not so good. Apparently, they are 'crying out' for foster carers here, there's adverts on every radio station you tune in to so it would seem that people are slipping through the net - DF has had a number of SW's who have left due to burnout or breakdowns over the years also.

Dappy my DM had a child in her forties and I love my DSis in spades. My DM is in far better health than either my DF and stepmother and I have been nothing but supportive of this (after the initial shock!).

MrsDeVere I'm not sure whether she's classed as hard to place tbh - my DF says she's healthy and hitting her milestones and they have no current concerns over her development.

Spero This was my understand too, I thought the age gap would be an issue but clearly not in this instance as they have gotten this far.

I can certainly imagine they discussed it with a friend before discussing it with you. You don't sound supportive of their choices at all.

MissVerinder my DF smokes outside and in his conservatory, where he watches TV but isn't used by the children. They also had a teenager who smoked and were told that they had to allow them to smoke outside, irrespective of the fact that they were too young to even buy cigarettes. I'm not sure why this is but it was something to do with this child's rights. I was a bit by this.

wilson it hadn't even been mentioned before this person asked me how it was going. They'd had plenty of children in the past and hadn't even broached the subject of adoption so they had no reason to think I would or wouldn't be supportive of it. I personally felt they could have at least mentioned it to me before somebody they'd only seen once in 3 years so at least I was aware of their intentions.

Ohsiena and Whiley I agree with you, regardless of what I say or don't say now, if they do not get approved to adopt this little one, he'll ultimately blame me, I'm sure. We've discussed it and he says he respects my opinions but really he means, he respects them as long as they suit him...I thought about copying the form and saving him a copy so that he knows what I have written, which will obviously be factual. A good idea, or not?

The teenager smoking, yes, unbelievably, but that there is another reason to not place a child so young there regardless of whether the LA knows your DF smokes or not.

Every LA has a smoking policy with regards to foster carers and the minimum age of foster children that can be placed with a smoker.

In our LA the min. age is five, and even then there are serious restrictions (ie: risk assessments on second hand smoke etc).

Agencies are even stricter because if their carers are secret smokers then the LA will start looking at what else they missed.

I honestly don't know how this hasn't come up before.

The right thing to do is to answer the social worker's questions factually and honestly. I am shocked that you would consider lying or trying to "say the right thing"!

You must do right by the child and only the child. JMO but with experience of the care system.