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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relatives staying

28 replies

mumof3littlemonkeys · 29/10/2012 11:53

Not sure if iabu or not. Just lost original post so will be brief.

My sister recently stayed with me for ten days. This visit was longer than usual because I haven't been able to see my family much (300 miles away)and as she offered to help out as I have a slipped disk and still recovering from my csection and extra surgery which I had in July.

During the visit my sister did a little to help in terms of changing nappies for me etc but mostly was unable to look after herself e.g. Did not make cups of tea but expecting a lot of them throughout the day. As she is a guest in my home I wanted to make her comfy etc and maybe made a rod for my own back.

It was agreed prior to visit that she would buy a shop as a contribution. She spent £12. She did offer £50 but I felti couldn't accept as she moaned alot about money. She bought lunch on one occasion (£20) and although she said she would pay for her travel she didn't. This meant one day I cancelled plans for an outing for my 3 kids as I couldnt afford it. Her husband stayed for two days and ate everything in sight. Even brought himself a bag of goodies which he would sneak off to eat after polishing off all the treats etc we had bought.

Aibu to think that she would follow through on agreements? It doesn't sit comfortably with me to take money as she was a guest and how could I accept money after the orchestrated convo about struggling for money. They are very tight by the way and are always skint despite the grands they have in the bank.

(when we stay with her/my mum in the past we pay for several food shops, all our travel, buy treats for them and give money so it's not like we expect not to pay our way and they do the same iykwim).

OP posts:
ZombTEE · 29/10/2012 11:56

You're a chump, to be blunt. She played you and played you well. She used her supposed lack of funds to gain sympathy so you didn't ask for any money.

Next time, ask for the money up front. Or don't ask for the money at all.

So, yes, YABU to just expect people to do things. Try talking to them about doing things.

frootshoots · 29/10/2012 11:57

Well now you know how to behave when you visit them. Time to get tough or don't have them as guests if its such an issue.

vampirestakeknickers · 29/10/2012 11:59

YANBU. What a rude tightwad!

jumpingjackhash · 29/10/2012 12:00

Why was she staying with you? As a guest or to help you while you're recovering? In my book, either of these means I wouldn't expect my guest or helper to pay their way.

If it was at her instigation as a 'break' or kind of holiday for her, I think it's fair for her to pull her weight around the house and/or make a contribution one way or another.

Ithinkitsjustme · 29/10/2012 12:00

I don't think YABU to wish she had stuck to your original aggreement but it sounds like she offered and you refused, if that is the case (whatever your grounds were ) it's hard to backtrack now. In future you both need to stick to your side of teh agreement otherwise resentment will brew.

freddiefrog · 29/10/2012 12:03

YANBU

We moved a few hundred miles away from family and friends a few years ago and we live in a very popular holiday area. We are very popular during the summer holidays.

I've learnt the hard way over the years and only few very close friends and family members are welcome to my spare room now

Coralanne · 29/10/2012 12:04

She only stayed 10 days.

I wouldn't dream of expecting people to pay when they come to visit me.

My DM usually comes at Christmas and is always trying to buy things, give me money. Sometimes I'll let her buy me lunch just to keep her happy.

ScaryHalloweenNameChange · 29/10/2012 12:11

If she came to help you, then why didn't she help? If that was my sister, I would have had a few words after the third day and then told her to get lost if she didn't change her ways.

I think you're being a bit U about the paying for shopping and lunches though. You should have provided all the food/drinks as she was still a guest in your house. She should have paid her own fare to get to your house. She SHOULD have helped.

Original poster
mumof3littlemonkeys · 29/10/2012 13:12

Quite a range of thoughts.

Guess I won't be able to see much of my family anymore if they can't pay their way. I pay over the odds to make sure I don't impose on family when I visit.as zombie said I was played.think some should reread the post though. In ten days she got through a hell of a lot of food as in stuffing her face.

OP posts:
missymoomoomee · 29/10/2012 13:17

She did offer you money, I don't see how you can complain that she ate everything and didn't pay her way when you refused the money she did offer you. Hmm

freddiefrog · 29/10/2012 13:26

I wouldn't expect to provide all food and drink for people staying with me either

I'm already subsidising their holiday with free accommodation, showers, tea/coffee/breakfast cereal/milk, etc so I expect them to put their hand in their pocket and pay their way with everything else.

Like I do when we visit them.

I've learned the hard way though, once bitten twice shy and all that, people who expect to come here and freeload for a week, aren't welcome to my spare room anymore - these people aren't visiting me, they're taking advantage of the fact that we live in a holiday resort and just want a free holiday. I'm not made of money.

We only have close friends and family to stay these days, we all muck in together, take it in turns to buy milk, go halves on takeaways, etc

CailinDana · 29/10/2012 13:26

I wouldn't expect my sister to pay her way. But I would expect help around the house, a lot of it, and I would have no compunction telling her that (not that I would have to, she is extremely helpful anyway). Why didn't you ask her to make cups of tea/the dinner etc? As for paying, IMO when you're a guest you might pay for a few meals out and you definitely pay for your own transport but other than that I don't expect guests to pay and I don't usually pay when I'm staying with someone else. I might get a few groceries, a bottle of wine, some cake but I wouldn't buy the entire food shop for example. I think when you have people to stay you just work them into your budget. One extra person doesn't cost a massive amount unless they're particularly greedy (which to be fair it sounds like your BIL is).

You either need to stop having guests or make your expectations clear right from the start.

Original poster
mumof3littlemonkeys · 29/10/2012 13:44

Jumping jack she was staying as she was coming for my sons birthday and suggested she wanted to stay extra days to help me due to my health problems. During this time I felt she was at times more of a hindrance as she was fairly lazy.

I originally felt that she was extremely kind offering to help and didn't at any point ask for money as like coraianne i would not expect people to pay but I think it's low to have a jolly at someone's expense under the pretence of helping out. She suggested paying for a food shop to contribute I did not ask. She did offer £50 andiknow iabu to have not accepted and later felt aggrieved by things but I wouldnt feel able to accept when someone has gone on and on about money.

I've stayed over at people's houses many a time and if I offer to help I do, if I offer to pay for a big shop I do, i dontgobackon things that i have suggested.i guess that's what my prob is. Think I'm probably more hacked off that they were greedy. They certainly don't eat that much when they have to foot the bill

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof3littlemonkeys · 29/10/2012 13:49

Missy She offered money during a convo about how skint she was and how they were struggling,would you be able totakemoney in those circumstances? for me I wouldn't eat extra food than I eat at home if I was staying at someone's House but that's just me

OP posts:
MateyM00 · 29/10/2012 13:51

my DSis has just left after spending 7 days with us. We had a conversation before she came, about how skint everyone was.

she siad that she didnt want to sponge and would pay her way. I said, thats fine, but i wont be counting. if you think you should pay a bit more than you did, then pay a bit more, if you think we should pay a bit more, then ask for it. becuase i wont be keeping tabs.

we are both in the same boat, finacially struggling, and it worked out lovely. Dsis and DH went and did a weeks worth of meal shopping, then we both mucked in for lunches.

I dont know who came out 'on top' but to me it doesnt matter.
we had a lovely time and she is welcome back.

Original poster
mumof3littlemonkeys · 29/10/2012 13:56

Cailindana Im talking groceries here not a big shop a token contribution. She offered topayfor that and I guess the £12 and the costa was a good gesture but we have always had the deal that we contribute a fair share of what we were costing the other if that makes sense.

When I visit my sister I pay for a shop that covers several meals, treats etc. I pay all my travel costs and don't expect to say to someone I'll pay travel costsandthen not.

OP posts:
PickledFanjoCat · 29/10/2012 13:58

If my sister stayed for 10 days I wouldn't expect money I have to say. I would expect her to pay her way of out though.

missymoomoomee · 29/10/2012 13:59

Yes if I was struggling enough to have to cancel plans with my dc then I would absolutely take the money offered to me. If I didn't it would be my own fault and I wouldn't moan. The offer was there you should have taken it.

Original poster
mumof3littlemonkeys · 29/10/2012 14:00

Cailindana I did ask for her to make tea sometimes but she seemed to struggle with the concept of it and was very much like a teenager. She is a 26 yr old married woman

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof3littlemonkeys · 29/10/2012 14:01

I never expected money.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof3littlemonkeys · 29/10/2012 14:09

I was struggling to pay for an extra adults bus fare for every outing. Not made of money.

Matey moo that's what I wanted it to be like. I feel like I don't want my sister and her hubby here cos they took the piss and don't get why it couldn't have been like how it was for you and your sister.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 29/10/2012 14:18

It is quite difficult since you refused the offer of the £50. So she probably didn't know if you were just being polite and hoped she would give you it anyway or if you genuinely didn't need the money. But I know the offer to pay for a meal or for shopping is easier to accept than cash. And she certainly doesn't sound as if she was being very much help. So on the whole YANBU.

Original poster
mumof3littlemonkeys · 29/10/2012 14:35

Viviennemary I think your right. I kind of muddied the waters as I didn't accept the money. She certainly knows that money is always tight for us.

I know her and her hubby would not pay for travel, all food and drink next time we stay over. It serves me right though really cos they are tight and I know that. I just wanted to see my sister but defiantly gonna restrict visits so I don't feel like a mug again

OP posts:
Coralanne · 30/10/2012 00:10

mum, I think you're right to feel the way you do.

She should definitely be paying her own way on outings etc and helping with housework, washing, ironing (does anyone iron anymore?) etc.

When my DS visited me she spent about 4 hours doing all the ironing while I made numerous cups of tea and chated to her.Grin

When my DM lived in a five bedroom home close to hospitals etc. she was always inundated with "Visitors" who came to the city for hospital appointments, weddings, etc.

When she moved to a smaller home in a small village she couldn't understand why she didn't have any visitors any more.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that her relatives were just using her for all those years.

Coralanne · 30/10/2012 00:12

Chated looks a bit strange. Guess it should be chatted.