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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Went out for a meal with DP's friends and now he wants to move out.

52 replies

Screamfromtherooftops · 28/10/2012 14:57

Have just got back from a meal with my DP and his friends, I have only met 2 of his friends once since me and DP have been together and there was 4 others with us.

I am undergoing talking therapy for anxiety issues, I get very scared when I go out on my own let alone for a meal.

I get very nervous when plans change too and DP's friends changed the time and place 3 times this morning as we were getting ready.

We brought our 13 month old son and he was quite restless though out the meal so I spent a lot of the time talking to/entertaining him.

I didn't ignore anyone but none of his friends spoke a word to me and when I tried to make a conversation with DP he was ignore/cut me off. They were having plenty of conversations with DP and the other people at the table and I was trying to be as involved as I could just listening, Smiling and nodding along with them.

It was very awkward for me and a big step in helping my anxiety.

Now we are back DP said that I ruined the meal and made it awkward and that he is thinking about packing his bags and leaving.

Please tell me if I ABU because I am really upset at the moment and need honesty.

OP posts:

LeeCoakley · 28/10/2012 15:32

What a bully! Tell HIM to leave. Is your anxiety to do with him? He's making you feel worse and not showing any empathy at all.

PurplePidjInAPointyHat · 28/10/2012 15:35

They sound incredibly rude.

Your husband sounds like the root of your anxiety, or at least a major exacerbating factor.

What, exactly, does he contribute to your recovery?

I met dp in the midst of an anxious period (ptsd) and, as someone else saud, he would go ballistic if his mates made me feel like that!

LittleBairn · 28/10/2012 15:36

scream did you have anxiety problems before you met your partner?
He sounds a bit manipulative, I'm just wondering if he's the root of the anxiety.

FML · 28/10/2012 15:39

Think about it OP, if the situation was reversed, and your partner was too busy dealing with your child, and attempting to be involved but being ignored by your friends, what would you do?

The fact you say this isn't the first time he has threatened to leave, makes it clear to me that he is using your anxiety issues as a means to control you.

Do yourself a favour, and tell him to not let the door hit his ass on the way out. Don't let this man bully and control you. You don't need him. You can live without him, and I would bet my last quid that you will actually improve lots once he has gone.

You deserve better.

ImperialBlether · 28/10/2012 16:02

You weren't the only person responsible for your child.

And think back - did he try to bring you into the conversation? Did he say, "Oh, screamfromtherooftops likes that, don't you?"

They are all single from the sound of it. And they're talking about nights out. Is your OP wishing he was free to do that sort of thing?

He sounds like a bully to me and I wonder whether he is the cause of a lot of your anxiety. What were you like before you met him?

pigletmania · 28/10/2012 16:04

Do it first and leave the bastard, he sounds nasty and awful

WeAreEternal · 28/10/2012 16:05

He sounds like a total dick!

The MN favorite phrase of "leave the bastard" comes to mind.

Seriously though, you need someone that can support you and help you overcome your anxiety, it sounds as though he is actually making it worse.

whatthewhatthebleep · 28/10/2012 16:20

any support you have been getting to build your confidence and esteem is being destroyed and trampled on by this man....
I'm so sorry but really you must find a pair of big boots and stand your ground...open the door for him to walk out of...pack his bag for him for that matter....

I would bet the odds of you singing from the rooftops soon after are very high indeed

LadyKooKoo · 28/10/2012 16:23

You have a 13 month old so have been together almost two years at least. Why have you only met two of his friends?

ouryve · 28/10/2012 16:25

I think you should pack his bags for him.

Original poster

Screamfromtherooftops · 28/10/2012 16:27

I went to the GP this week and got referred to talking therapy so I am expecting a call next week.

DP has never introduced me to his friends, I met them 2 when it was his birthday. He has never wanted me to go out with them before.

We have been together 3 years.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 28/10/2012 16:30

Really he sounds embarrassed of you or he has something to hide. Leave him he is just no good for you

TheLightPassenger · 28/10/2012 16:34

he doesn't sound very nice. did you feel so anxious about yourself etc before you met him? does he put you down a lot?

wordfactory · 28/10/2012 16:36

OP, I don't htink your DP behaved well...but...living with someone with anxiety issues is bloody hard.

It makes all the usal social niceties of life, that most people take for granted, a difficult thing.

I have a freind who has a DH who is very anxious and she is never able to do anything of the things that couples enjoy. She has stayed with her DH but I know she is deeply unhappy.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 28/10/2012 16:45

"The fact you say this isn't the first time he has threatened to leave, makes it clear to me that he is using your anxiety issues as a means to control you."

This

BonVoyageCharlieBrown · 28/10/2012 16:49

Pack his bags. He is using this as an excuse to bully and belittle you. No wonder you have anxiety issues.

He sounds like an arse

wordfactory · 28/10/2012 16:59

See he may not be using her anxiety to control her.

My friend would do anyhting for her DH to be different. Anyhting.

But there have been times over the years when she's been so low about her DH's anxiety she has threatened to leave. She has stayed because she is a wonderful human...but she isn't made of stone.

FML · 28/10/2012 17:20

But wordfactory, would your friend of threatened to leave over the OPs situation? Because if so, I think it is disgraceful. Sounds to me like the OP actually handled the situation very well, and it was his friends and him that were the rude ones.

waltermittymissus · 28/10/2012 17:26

he knows that I couldn't live without him.

This is not ok ^ you should never feel like that about anybody, especially as it seems he's using it to his advantage.

What the f*ck is he doing, threatening to leave because of a meal?

You don't have to put up with that, nor should you.

And you need to work on your self-esteem sweetheart if you feel that you can't live without him.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 28/10/2012 17:28

Let him go.

Don't try to stop him.

He will change his mind (again) about going. In the meantime, have a very good think about whether you want to be with someone who treats you so cruelly.

I second someone's question : "did you have anxiety issues before you met him?"

PosieParker · 28/10/2012 17:30

Get rid and start a lovely life without hom making you feel worse about yourself.

CuriousMama · 28/10/2012 17:32

So sad He's really twisting the knife isn't he? And knows you won't dump him because of they way you feel right now. I hope you can feel stronger soon? He's very bad news but you won't believe it, yet.

wordfactory · 28/10/2012 17:38

FML there ahve been some incidents about which my friend is not proud.

Sometimes the catalyst has been an attempt to have a 'normal' social engagement...

But it is only a catalyst. The real problem is living in a situation where your partner cannot engage in normal social activity. It is very very hard.

WipsGlitter · 28/10/2012 17:57

My mum had/has bad anxiety. It got to the point where her anxiety sucked the joy out of doing stuff with her. She nearly ruined my sisters graduation because of fretting over the unallocated seating and being able to get a seat at a door. It was always about her and her needs. Even now I'm reluctant to do things with her because of the fretting over underground/multi story carparks, escalators, lifts, being too hot, too crowded, not near a toilet. It is very hard to understand another person being anxious over what you consider to be a normal situation.

It sounds like your DP is finding your anxiety hard to cope with. As another poster said I'm sure his account of the night would be very
different. It's great you are getting help, do you have any friends or family to talk to? Do you work?

I'm not defending your DP but as someone on the other side it is also very hard.

JammySplodger · 28/10/2012 18:49

That sounds like a hard situation for both of you - but not one where you should be feeling like you're to blame! It's unhelpful to say the least for your DP to be saying that and I should imagine will be undermining you, possibly without you even realising.

I have no experience of anxiety, so I really don't know if this would work for you but ... how about suggesting he has a couple of friends round so you can get to know them in an environment where you can plan ahead and be in a comfortable situation? Not a whole crowd of them but just a couple that you can happily chat to at your on pace and in your own space. You could then work up from that to something a bit more social when you're ready.

Does he know much about anxiety itself, could he have a chat with someone (about anxiety in general) or somehow get involved in helping you through your therapy? Are there any support groups who could give him pointers too?

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