...to expect some response to my profile on an Internet dating site?

[Poppysquad]

I'm 51 and a professional, busy single mum. Divorced a matter of months but been separated for two years. I thought I'd try Internet dating and saw a few profiles of attractive men who I've mailed. But NOTHING. No response, not a bean. And nothing spontaneous from them.

I am not a skinny, gym bunny who 'looks after herself'. I'm just a normal woman. Probably just like the woman these people were previously married to. Is it just me or do they all seem to now want someone 10 years younger and 5 stone slimmer? Where re the normal guys?

What site are you on?

The market is not in your favour! Attractive men in their fifties are in a much stronger position than you.

You may well be on the wrong site.

And what are you saying when you message them?

Depends on what your profile says. People might read it and think you're bonkers.
Your photos. Are you smiley and happy? Or looking like a knackered professional frumpy single mum?
Are your standards too high? Holding out for Mr perfect? You might need to settle for an otherwise nice normal man who also plays the bagpipes, has a beard, is fascinated by steam trains, or sometimes wears ladies' clothing. Or all of those.

I have tried Guardian Soulmates and also Match.com, thinking that there might be some more ordinary blokes on that site. I am smiling in my picture, people are viewing the profile. I try and be light hearted and and approachable when I first try contacting them. No heavy - this is who I am.

I don't think I have been too picky. I've tried contacting a range of men.

I don't think I sound like a nutter on my profile either. But I wouldI say that - I wrote it.

Keep trying.

Remember that if somebody doesn't reply to your nice friendly message you wouldn't want to get to know them anyway.

And pick a good user name.
There's somebody on a site I use that seems lovely. Everything about him is what I'm looking for. I would have contacted him already but his user name is Ifuckthedead.
A lady on the same site left after hundreds of people contacted her thinking she was a prostitute or something. She was using her real but unfortunate surname of Lovecox.

Frankly, I have the same problem, I am very choosy and have a good eye for selecting the best of the crop, as a result, I'm often ignored as I am no spring chicken and most people's first discriminating factor is, well, (whispers) looks.

I don't mind though, I like people who take care of their appearance, but I only fall stupidly inlove for sharp intelligent people (whatever their looks as long as they are clean and tidy).

Basically, don't take this online dating game personally, is not like real life, the "next" button is so accessible, people's interest is very short lived.
There was a time years ago when I was getting so much interest I started blocking people who sent messages with spelling mistakes

I had teh same experience as you (though admittedly I only joined to prove a point to a friend, namely that late 40s with a child, I wasn't going to get any responses so the exercise was an entirely pointless one). I think the problem with internet dating once you're over 40 (I have had friends, without children, be successful below this age) is that everyone has a tick list - so never mind whether you're too picky or not, all the men on the site will have a tick list which says "still fertile, no kids of her own" so you and I fail on two counts.

Oh, should add there are ones who don't want their own children - but that's cos they don't like children at all and don't want yours either.

I'd give it a while... took me ages to meet my dh on plenty of fish.. and plenty of bonkers men messaging me or ignoring me or me ignoring them before I messaged dh !!!

Dh nearly didn't reply to me as I am 7 years older than him and he thought I was just after a shagbuddy! (He wanted a serious relationship... so did I !)

Several years on we are married, dd 9 years old love's him and we also have ds 4months despite both having fertility issues we conceived naturally.

Don't give up !

TiggyD Yes, I would be very hesitant about anyone with that kind of username, too!

Just wanted to add that my mum who is 64 is doing online dating and has met a few frogs... but also a couple of princes.

But she had more luck after she wrote longer messages and took a more casual photo.. I think she looked a bit stern in her pic! Doesn't sound like this applies to youtthough.

The thing she's found is that older men either want a replacement housekeeper for their divorced wife or they get so independent they just want someone to see on an occasional basis and to have sex with ! She despairs of finding anyone who actually wants a normal long term relationship yet !

How long have you been on the dating sites OP?

Do you have anything in your profile that might suggest you have a downer on your own weight and age?

Sometimes a lack of self confidence can be just as off putting as over confidence.

What all the people who were VERY lucky and met one decent person on a dating site won't tell you is that for every success, there are 100s, if not 1000s who don't meet anyone at all.

And the thing is even if you do get messages, most don't lead to dates. And then most of those dates never lead to a second date, let alone a relationship. It is all down to nothing more than luck.

Photos in all honesty are more important than profile. Men tend to be visual, and will have decided whether or not to message you based on a photo. Words don't make much difference. Also many men on dating sites have unrealistic expectations - I am 40, most men on dating sites my age or slightly younger are looking for women no older than 35. To find men who ARE looking for my age group, they are mostly late 40s and look ready for retirement.

Please don't take it to heart. I have been doing this nonsense for 4 years on and off and never got beyond a first date with anyone, which is nothing to do with anything I'm doing wrong but just the crappy selection of men out there!

I have been on a fair few sites over the years, the last one for 6 months and honestly got no more than 5 replies in the whole time. I am mid-40s, professional with 1 young adult at home. I'm slim and look far younger than my years and reckoned if I lied about my age I may have got more replies, but it isn't fair to do that. Women in their 40s & 50s don't get much of a look in on dating sites. Older men are after younger women, and often younger woman see the advantage of an older guy. Guys in their 30s aren't always after a LTR with an older woman (although flings appear to be different).

I have given up. Been alone for over a decade anyway so used to my own company anyway. My advise is make some social friends and leave the dating sites. I know some people who have met their partners on these sites but they seem to be the very rare exceptions. The sites exist to make money. I tried one that paired people on their likes and intelligence level....I have a PHd and like cities, but got sent the profiles of high school educated country folk....

Can we please move away from the idea that a lack of response/success MUST mean that you're doing something 'wrong' ?!

It is far more likely that the men have unrealistic expectations.

OP, we have a longrunning dating thread in Relationships, where we spend much time discussing all this stuff, as well as the odd success, you'd be welcome to join in :)

Why move away from it?

Surely it's just as much of a possibility as the men having unrealistic expectations?

There could be a whole number of reasons.

It is possible that there could be something wrong with the profile, but honestly it's unlikely. I know of friends who have had terrific profiles and barely any response, and blank profiles (just basic details, and a photo) and lots of replies. The main factors are age, location and the site you're on.

OP, feel free to say no, but if you want to PM me with either a link to your profile, or a cut and paste of the wording I'd be happy to take a look. I very much doubt that there is anything off-putting in it, but am happy to give a second opinion if you like :)

To quote that beautiful genius Tiggy : "Remember that if somebody doesn't reply to your nice friendly message you wouldn't want to get to know them anyway."

If the 100 people that look but don't respond are bonkers or losers it's a good thing they don't respond.

I had the same OP, although I am in my 30's.

I got friends to veto my profile - make sure i didn't come across as weird/loon/desperate/uninterested.

Nothing. I had smiley pics, I was witty - nada.

I then (being pissed off at this point and convinced everyone on match.com and Plenty of Fish were just after 'fun' buddies) changed my nickname.....to....HasGotHugeBoobs

My inbox was full within an hour.

Wankers.

I de-registered in a rage and after a month or so sulking at how pathetic dating sites are, went for a less well known site - thinking that there may be more genuine people on there. I got a date and had a lovely few months with the bloke who was genuine, not-a-psychopath and ultimately we are still friends now, although not in a relationship.

Try UK Dating Group they advertise on local radio stations, but I haven't seen them advertise nationally so they aren't as well known and in my opinion, less likely to attract people looking for a quickie!

If you want replies, go on Plenty Of Fish! I signed up for a laugh, I had hundreds upon hundred of messages in a day.

Ghost Nooooo - PoF attracts, in my experience, the wrong sort of replies....

OP - madness that way lies

unless that's what you are after, in which case fill yer boots

It annoys me that people seem to automatically dismiss plenty of fish as full of weirdos.... there will be more weirdos because law of probability there are more people on it! But it's like everything else ... you walk down a street there's some weirdos and some decent people. I met my dh on there and many others have met their partners on there.