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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not really AIBU but what would you have done?

69 replies

FadingAwayToAHippo · 28/10/2012 00:17

There was a situation at my local slimming class and its been bugging me all day so what would you have done?

My regular class is a Saturday morning but I probably split it 50/50 between the Friday and Saturday.

The Saturday class is in a huge hall but the group only use an L shaped section so a large portion is open space. I take my two dds with me (4yo and 2.5yo) and when I started in April there were a lot of mums with young kids, so they would all run around the open space. The number of kids has got less over the months and this morning it was only my two.

I only weigh and go and don't stay for the talk, so maybe 20 minutes or so? (Bear with me, I am trying to set the scene)

So this morning dds were running in space as usual, at one point the lady who runs coffe counter was pretending to chase them and they were screaming. Then I was weighed and waiting to hand back card and there was a young boy about 10 or 11 and he had started to play with girls, he was pretending to read book and they were creeping up behind him and he was turning round to scare them and they would run away screaming. This happened about 4 times.

Now firstly I should say I know this may seem annoying and I also don't mind adults telling my children off if they are misbehaving but the next thing the woman who hands out the cards came marching over to them, bent down and waved her hands in their face shouting (well saying very loudly) "stop screaming". There must have been about 40 people in the room who all stopped and stared!

Cue both girls getting a fright and spending the next 5 minutes as I get jackets on etc sobbing their hearts out!

I was fuming, had she said to me "excuse me could you stop them screaming" or even called from her desk "girls can you stop the screaming" I wouldn't have minded!!

So, I just got the girls ready and left but all day it's been bugging me that I didn't say anything to her.

What I wanted to say was "if you have an issue with my kids speak to me" or "Is this noise any better than what they were doing before" but I was just so angry that I left. As I got outside the woman who was playing with them at the start came out and said "listen that was my fault as I was chasing them about so I'm sorry", I told her of course it wasn't her fault and there is a way to speak to kids and that isn't it.

Obviously I'm not going to do anything now, exceptaybe stick to the Friday class, but just wondering what anyone else would have done in that situation?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/10/2012 00:54

BeingBooyhoo That's restored faith for me Grin

I think it's fantastic when people do that and more so when it's met with gratitude rather than scorn.

My DS1 is almost 21yrs old and he still remembers the guy in the Post Office queue who told him to "Stop answering your Mum back. You might be bored of queuing, but do you honestly think all these other people here love it? You're not the only one who would rather be at home you know!"

The guy winked at me and I smiled gratefully Grin

WorraLiberty · 28/10/2012 00:57

Annie so she told them very loudly to stop screaming and waved her hands whilst doing so.

5 minutes of sobbing???

I still think that's a result for the OP

The fact this lady had to take it upon herself to do that is one thing...but hopefully hearing it from someone else will mean the OP has an easier life if it makes her children think.

That's when they've stopped 'sobbing' of course....

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2012 00:59

It's not a bad thing in some cases, but I think anyone making 2.5 YO DD cry by telling her off would get my back up - even if I was the one to blame for not pulling her up sooner myself Grin

I'd be 'get away from her you bitch' Sigourney-style, before going home obsessing about how unreasonable I am Grin

It's easy not to be irrational about other peoples children.

BeingBooyhoo · 28/10/2012 01:04

"I think it's fantastic when people do that and more so when it's met with gratitude rather than scorn"

i do too, and i was genuinely gratefull to that woman but i have to say i haven't had the guts to do it when i've been in her shoes. i just never know how it would be received by the parent so i keep it zipped.

i have found it seems to be older women that are more comfortable doing this. my nana wouldn't think twice about telling my dcs to "stop being so cheeky to your mother!" and it does make them stop.

Inneedofbrandy · 28/10/2012 01:07

I agree with the majority screeching shrieking screaming children gets my goat and if mine start they get to to be quiet or there will be consequences. My dd is a screecher she shrieks when laughing and running around she gets does realise the difference between running about and shrieking with her friends at the park outside then any indoor space. You should of took a leaf out of the ten yr old and brought a book for them to sit down and read/colour.

Inneedofbrandy · 28/10/2012 01:09

Oh I'm quite happy for random people to tell my dc off if there being naughty. Has never actually happened yet

Original poster
FadingAwayToAHippo · 28/10/2012 01:10

I don't think I am explaining myself well, not wanting to sound as if I'm backtracking, but it's difficult to explain it.

I did say in the op that I don't mind others telling dds off but it was the manner in which she did so. In the incidences you've described I wouldn't have minded, they don't involve someone right in your face.

For those saying it will have been annoying her for weeks, when I joined in April I asked if it was ok to bring kids along and the leader said "oh yes they love running around in here, they are more than welcome". This woman isn't the leader so if there is an issue she should speak to leader.

This is the first time I would say they were screaming, but probably as there is usually more of them they all play together but this week as it was just the two the boy was playing with them.

I can take on board I was BU in not stopping the screaming first but I still think her reaction was unacceptable.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/10/2012 01:17

All the instances of strangers saying stuff to children just makes me think the strangers are actually catsbum mouthing at your parenting and can't keep their gob shut. They're saying it to you through your children because they've not got the balls to say 'keep your children under control' to you directly.

If you think I'm not supervising my 2 and 4 YO enough, come and have a word with me.

Make my precious darlings cry and I'll fucking have you (I'd better put a Grin after that or you'll think I'm serious Grin)

No, I would actually

JoInScotland · 28/10/2012 01:20

Well I have a 2.5 year old and he can get really caught up in a game, and doesn't notice me talking to him or waving to get his attention. So I sometimes have to wave my hands at him (shock horror) even in his face, and then speak to him. So I think the woman was probably just trying to get their attention since they were really into the running/shrieking game. In a large open space that must have been tons of fun for everyone.

My child doesn't burst into tears when told off, by the way. He accepts that sometimes he oversteps the mark.

BeingBooyhoo · 28/10/2012 01:22

i can see how that could be true agent but i really do think the woman in my situation was trying to help me out. i probably missed her winking. but tbh i wouldn't be offended if she was catsbummouthing at me. she would have had good reason, my son was misbehaving and i was failing to control him. and lets be honest would it have solved the situation any sooner by having my son seeing me told off by another adult? surely going directly to teh source of the problem is better?

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2012 01:29

But it's the same as parents who have to use 'I'm going to ring your dad/police if you don't behave' to get the DC to do what they say, that they need an outside authority.

I wouldn't like the insinuation that I'm not in charge of them.

But then I know what you mean Booy, 'well you're not bloody controlling them are you and I'm having to put up with the consequences of that'.

Dunno, I just wouldn't feel comfortable with someone telling my DC what to do when I was there. Considering the differences you see in MN as to what different people find acceptable behaviour, they can't all be black and white examples of the DC definitely being in the wrong.

CaliforniaLeaving · 28/10/2012 01:31

I think you were both wrong.
You for letting the kids run about screaming, that should have been stopped, it's rude and annoying.
And her for getting in their faces, there was no need for that, she could have got their attention and said that they need to stop screaming.
Screaming in a hall is echoy and really hard on the ears, I bet she wasn't the only one who didn't like it.

BillysBeastlyBogeyman · 28/10/2012 01:35

It's slimming club, not church. I'm sure everyone could have coped with some children loudly playing for 10 minutes.

YANBU

BeingBooyhoo · 28/10/2012 01:36

i dont think it's the same as using the "i'll ring your dad/police" (which i would never use). i think it's ok for children to see that they are pissing other people off sometimes and that yes, people will let them know. i do get that children should be disciplined by their parents/caregivers but i dont think they need to be protected from knowing that what they do affects others around them and they should know that others have the right to express an opinion that concerns them. if this can be done in an appropriate way then i see no harm in it.

i certainly wasn't hoping that another adult would step in and discipline my son. i didn't expect that woman to do anything, i was just doing my best to keep my two dcs apart until we could make a quick exit from the shop. i bollocked him afterwards and would have done so without the woman's intervention. i told him he had upset that woman and probably everyone else in there. he was very red in the face and i think he should have been.

Original poster
FadingAwayToAHippo · 28/10/2012 01:37

Just before I go to bed to make use of the extra hour, I should point out that my dds weren't really misbehaving, just playing. The screaming will be my fault as I've never really been strict on them not doing it, in the manner they were, as I see it as playing (but yes, restricted for outdoors).

Also, and honestly not backtracking, someone used a better word earlier, shrieking. It was a kind of laughing/shrieking they were doing. You know when someone scares you in a good way. But yes, I can see why it would be annoying, and yes I'll take blame for the shrieking.

I still think her reaction was out or order, especially as she knew they were my kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
FadingAwayToAHippo · 28/10/2012 01:39

Billybeastlybogeyman I think I love you Wink

OP posts:
BillysBeastlyBogeyman · 28/10/2012 01:41

why thank you Blush Grin

CadleCrap · 28/10/2012 01:43

Aww - they were only playing OP. Hope the slimming class is going well Wink

DayShiftDoris · 28/10/2012 01:54

I was in a very long queue yesterday behind a woman who had her friend with her for company and the two sets of children belonging to these women were going what you describe. An older child scaring the younger ones resulting in shrieking / laughing....

If the mothers had have told them (quite firmly and in their faces as I recall) then I was about to... It's hideously annoying and the frankly stupid game is dangerous where there are lots of people and hot drinks being served (as in your and my situation). One of the little girls yesterday ran into a lady with a hot drink yesterday whilst running away...

The mums yesterday made them stand still, quietly in the end - one had a tantrum and was told that to quit it as they were being annoying. Both Dads turned up with the rest of the kid then blissfully removed them all to somewhere it was ok to be a nuisance.
Oh and both mums said sorry too!

I have a child with what is at times challenging behr and had plenty of comments about him but I am proud that no one has ever had to step in for me because I haven't been dealing with it. Just because he wants to do something that as a cute kid he might get away does not mean he is allowed to... Yesterday he started to take shoes off at wrong end of a bouncy assault course - I removed him swiftly even though it really wouldn't have been the end of the world.
Why? Well because he's 8 and ASD or no ASD he needs to learn the ways of the world for his own long te good.

DayShiftDoris · 28/10/2012 01:56

Sorry on phone and too many 'yesterdays''

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2012 01:19

I've never had to actually deal with anyone having to say something, so I'm only guessing at how I'd be, but I agree Booy that it's about it being appropriate.

The OPs posting because she didn't think it was.

It's not a parenting fail to have a 2 and 4 YO who are frightened by a stranger taking them to task. I would be Hmm about crocodile tears from a 7/8 YO, but these are only little.

BeingBooyhoo · 28/10/2012 01:25

ooh this thread has gone funny since the clock went back at 2.

agent's post hasn't gone on the end where it should but it's gone in the spot where 1.19am was before the clocks changed. it doesn't make sense there! Grin

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2012 01:49

I can see you've posted in my 'threads I'm on' Booy, but I can't read the post on the thread, DayShifDoris was the last on on mine Grin

AgentZigzag · 28/10/2012 01:50

Hehe, now I've posted before Doris' post Grin

manticlimactic · 28/10/2012 01:53

The woman said it was ok because kids like to round around, not that they liked to run around screaming. There IS a difference.