Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Double standards?? Girlfriend unable to share room, but older brother allowed??

47 replies

daphine2004 · 27/10/2012 16:11

Hi there,

This is my first post and I would like to canvas opinion on a situation I find slightly odd.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over six years and when we stay at his parent's house we are not allowed to share a room. We're both over 25 and find this strange as we have lived together too. On top of this, his older brother who is 30 and has been with his girlfriend for around three years is allowed to share a room. They are recently engaged, but this was allowed prior to their engagement.

I am struggling to understand the difference and I wouldn't be so confused if the same situation applied across both relationships.

As a mum, what would you do??

Thank you!

OP posts:
Sparklingbroomstick · 27/10/2012 16:13

Hi daphine. Has your boyfriend not asked his parents why?

WorraLiberty · 27/10/2012 16:13

What reason did they give when you/your boyfriend asked them?

Sassybeast · 27/10/2012 16:14

You don't need to be confused. You need to respect their wishes if you stay in their home.

BackforGood · 27/10/2012 16:15

All things being equal, I suspect I would let both my dcs share. Don't know for sure yet, as my eldest is only 16 and I'm in the "not under my roof" camp at the moment Grin. Wouldn't be one rule for ds and another for dd though.

bellabelly · 27/10/2012 16:15

That is really odd! Maybe a bit more understandable if you were very early 20s or hadn't been togther very long but it's just bizarre now! If I were you, I wouldn't stay at theirs any more, tbh and if they are upset about that, just explain that you don't like having to have separate bedrooms.

GhostShip · 27/10/2012 16:15

This is completely odd ball to me anyway, I don't understand why parents to this to their kids, at 25 too!

And I'm all for 'their house their rules', but only when they have good reason.

I don't see a difference OP, its silly.

BeingBooyhoo · 27/10/2012 16:15

i agree you need to ask why this is teh case? it seems odd.

GhostShip · 27/10/2012 16:16

sassy shes entitled to be confused!

Whooooosualsuspect · 27/10/2012 16:16

He needs to ask why his older brother is allowed.

Sassybeast · 27/10/2012 16:17

Ghostship - you don't know that they DON'T have a good reason though.
I wasn't allowed to share a room with my fiance when we stayed at his parents - despite the fact that we lived together. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking why as I totally respected their wishes, regardless of how crazy the reasoning may have been.

Whooooosualsuspect · 27/10/2012 16:20

But is older brother is allowed to have his girlfriend sleep over. So I would want to know the reason if I was the OP.

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 27/10/2012 16:21

Why are they living with their parents?

DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2012 16:22

Well, it's not for you to ask, it's for your DP to ask his parents why his brother is allowed to share with his GF but he isn't. I would also say that you respect their wishes but don't stay there. If he's not living at home and you are living together, then you don't stay over, simple. If this means you need to book into a B&B, so be it...

GhostShip · 27/10/2012 16:26

Sassy - have you read the OP? One brother is allowed, the other isn't. Isn't she allowed to be confused?
There's no reasoning for that.

GhostShip · 27/10/2012 16:27

And OP, its your DP who should be addressing this instead of letting his parents treat him like a child. Or he needs to move out.

I'd hate to be in this situation, I feel sorry for you x

DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2012 16:27

BTW- are you "not allowed" or is it just logistics - as in, when I stayed at PIL, in DH's old bedroom there was a single bed, then a single bed in the guest room, so he'd stay in his old room and I was sent to the guest room. BIL had a double bed in his room so his GF (now SIL) slept in the same room when we were all there one Christmas. It wasn't MIL making judgements about our relationship, just making sure everyone had a comfy bed...

chipsandmushypeas · 27/10/2012 16:28

Im 26, dp 32. I had been with my DP for over 2 years and my mother forbade him from staying over, or even late.

My brother is 21 got a girlfriend 26, and the first time she came over she stayed the night!! The first time I met her was when she came down the stairs in shorts. She's moved in now, my mother charged my bf money when he used the bath.

Sorry, not helpful but I know how it feels.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 27/10/2012 16:28

tbf, the OP doesn't say that both the brothers live at home, this is just when they stay there.

I'd be confused too, and I'm also confused as to why your boyfriend hasn't already raised it with his parents. surely it doesn't take much for him to point out the inequality.

Welcome to MN btw Grin

HeinousHecate · 27/10/2012 16:32

As a mum, I would let them share a room. It's not like they're teens or something.

However, when you stay in someone's house, you accept their rules. If they don't want you to stay in the same room, you either accept that or you book a hotel room.

your boyfriend could always ask his mum why the different rules. At least then you'd know what the reason is.

It honestly could be age.

Or maybe his brother has told his mum he doesn't want separate rooms and if that's her choice, then they'll just not come over/will stay in a hotel. And his mum decided to let them.

I honestly don't think we can give you answers. Only his mum can. If you don't like her rules - don't stay in her house. She then has the choice to say well, fair enough, I'm not changing my rules - or change her rules.

whois · 27/10/2012 17:01

OP defo get your bf to ask in a calm and non confrontational way why his bro and gf can share a bed but not you and your bf.

Might be something as simple as his mum just hasn't considered it and when it's pointed out will be fine about bed sharing.

I really hate the 'their house their rules' attitude. Basically, fuck off with that. What a way to drive a wedge between parents and adult children. Non-bed sharing is the parents issue and something they need to deal with rather than making the GF super uncomfortable.

OneMoreChap · 27/10/2012 17:20

whois
I really hate the 'their house their rules' attitude. Basically, fuck off with that.

So, you'd let anyone in your house do what they want? Smoke in the living room, put cups down on the floor to be kicked over, shoes on the sofa?

GhostShip · 27/10/2012 17:25

OneMoreChap: you're using extreme examples there.

I don't think 'your house your rules' should just be thrown out there for every situation. There has to be a reasoning behind these rules, otherwise there's no point to them. And who creates a pointless rule?

Whooooosualsuspect · 27/10/2012 17:27

I always imagine people who say 'your house your rules' have a printed list of rules by their front door. Grin

HeinousHecate · 27/10/2012 17:28

Well, whether you like it or not, whether it's right or not - it's a fact.

When it is someone's home, they have the right to say that they do and do not allow whatever they want. And they have the right to remove people who don't abide by that.

So you can't go to someone's house and say 'my house my rules, fuck that'

Because they have the right to boot you out of their home, if they so wish.

I'm not saying it's right. I think the boyfriend of the OP should talk to his parents.

but it really is their house their rules. Grin

IneedAgoldenNickname · 27/10/2012 17:33

When I was 19 and pregnant with ds1 my (now ex) p was not allowed to stay over at all, let alone in my room. E had at that point been together for over 3 years and engaged for 2.

My younger brother want allowed his partner to sleep over either, even though they were recently engaged

My older brother on the other hand was allowed his gf of just a couple of months to sleep over.

To this day I neither understand, nor agree with the unfairness, and there were many other ways in which our upbringing differed

Swipe left for the next trending thread