Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Double standards?? Girlfriend unable to share room, but older brother allowed??

47 replies

daphine2004 · 27/10/2012 16:11

Hi there,

This is my first post and I would like to canvas opinion on a situation I find slightly odd.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over six years and when we stay at his parent's house we are not allowed to share a room. We're both over 25 and find this strange as we have lived together too. On top of this, his older brother who is 30 and has been with his girlfriend for around three years is allowed to share a room. They are recently engaged, but this was allowed prior to their engagement.

I am struggling to understand the difference and I wouldn't be so confused if the same situation applied across both relationships.

As a mum, what would you do??

Thank you!

OP posts:

GhostShip · 27/10/2012 17:33

I hate pointless rules.

MIL's new rule is 'dont run the tap when your brush your teeth' and 'never put your beers in the fridge because if my friend comes round she'll want one'.

FFS.

I might make it my rule that anyone coming into my house, has to bring biscuits. MY HOUSE MY RULES after all

mrsbugsywugsy · 27/10/2012 17:34

daphine this does sound odd. As other posters have said, could it be due to practicalities (ie. there is no spare double bed)?

Although 25 is just as much of an adult as 30, perhaps she still thinks of your boyfriend as 'her baby', assuming he is the youngest?

Or do you think your boyfriend's mum disapproves of your relationship?

Agree with other posters that it is her house and therefore her rules, but if I was your boyfriend I would ask her for an explanation.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 27/10/2012 17:37

Your BF needs to raise this with his parents and question why, pointing out the difference in a calm adult fashion. Probably best without you around. And if you get a reason, please do let us know it's the rule

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/10/2012 17:38

Well it is double standards and I'm surprised your other half hasn't asked them before now, especially if you've been together 6 years!

Does his brother think its wierd too? Can HE not ask in a lighthearted way? Or is it a stiff, cold, formal sort of family? I can't imagine that happening in my family as I'd just ask straight out or after we'd been together a couple of years say "well, it's our second anniversary today - does this mean we finally get to share a room?!"

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/10/2012 17:43

Just had a thought, do they not see your relationship as being as "serious" as the brother's? Maybe your bf's brother made it clear straight away that that was the girl he was going to spend the rest of his life with and maybe your bf hasn't given them reason to believe that's the case with your relationship? I don't know whether you've discussed marriage and have plans to or not but even if you're both happy as you are I would be getting a cheap ring from Argos and pretend you're engaged - see how they can refuse then

Somebodysomewhere · 27/10/2012 18:02

Very odd. My mum is similar and i just explained that in that case myself and whomever i am in a relationship with will in that case not be visiting.

vroomvroommum · 27/10/2012 18:04

Hi OP, my situation was very similar. DH and I lived together for 10 years before getting married but couldn't share at the IL's, however they would come and stay at our house! I was 35 and married before we shared a bed in their house. This was odd to me but we did discuss it and they explained to me how uncomfortable it would make them and I didn't agree but I did respect their wishes.
However when the Younger brother got someone PG after 9 months they were allowed to share??? (even though when we visited we were still in separate rooms)

mutny · 27/10/2012 18:08

Its odd, but not your business tbh.
If your boyfriend is bothered let him ask. Whilst it is odd, why is it such a big deal to you?

Unfortunately while your in their house its up to them.

GhostShip · 27/10/2012 18:26

In my opinion, it effects her so it is her business.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2012 18:27

I'd stay in a hotel or not see them at all.

And chips, if your mother were my mother she wouldn't be in my life at all for being such a misogynistic, mean-spirited cow. Charging your boyfriend to use the bath? If I were your daughter, I'd have walked straight out of her house with boyfriend the second she did that and never come back.

GhostShip · 27/10/2012 18:30

I've only just read that...

she CHARGED him for a bath???

Thats vile.

socharlotte · 27/10/2012 18:59

Your partner is her baby!

GhostShip · 27/10/2012 19:00

Wtf has that got to do with anything? Is her other son not 'her baby' too?

expatinscotland · 27/10/2012 19:02

He's a grown man!

socharlotte · 27/10/2012 19:46

Nope.Youngest child never grows up in a parent's mind.They are always the baby

GhostShip · 27/10/2012 19:48

Then that needs to be overcome because its downright ridiculous, he's 25 not 5.

chipsandmushypeas · 27/10/2012 20:31

expat she's a very difficult, strange woman. I don't see her very often at all as I've got too much anger towards her. If you try and raise anything she gets viciously defensive and starts yelling, so I don't bother anymore!

chipsandmushypeas · 27/10/2012 20:34

When I bring it up (the bath charging) she vehemently denies it, saying my DP offered her money [hhmm]

expatinscotland · 27/10/2012 20:50

'Nope.Youngest child never grows up in a parent's mind.They are always the baby'

Um, maybe in some peoples' warped minds, but I'm actually really happy to see my youngest growing up. In my mind, he's no longer a baby because, well, he isn't. I think that's a good thing. There's nothing better than seeing your children become adults.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2012 20:51

chips, I think I'd let her drop off by the wayside for all eternity, tbh. She sounds like a mean-spirited person.

Darkesteyes · 27/10/2012 21:55

really hate the 'their house their rules' attitude. Basically, fuck off with that. What a way to drive a wedge between parents and adult children. Non-bed sharing is the parents issue and something they need to deal with rather than making the GF super uncomfortable.

This is the rule that comes back to bite a lot of older people in the arse when in some cases they move in with their adult children in later life.

DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2012 22:04

I think that while "their house, their rules" is annoying, you can find it easier to accept it people are consistant with their rules, if neither brothers were allowed partners in their rooms overnight then that at least would be fair, or if they had clearly explained rules (such as, "engaged can share a room, just living together can't"), but to just have unexplained different rules for different DCs isn't acceptable.

OP - unless it's a case that your DP has a single bed in his room with a single bed in the guest room whereas his brother has a double bed, then I'd say you don't stay there, find a cheap B&B nearby - although I'd get your DP to ask his parents. Has he any explaination for their behaviour? I'm surprised he's never asked them... (This is when you're going to find out that he's just never checked if you are allowed to stay in his room, they are assuming you don't want to because he's not asked and he's working on rules from when he was 16... )

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread