Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In contemplating ringing the Social Services?

55 replies

Scribbleonmypage · 27/10/2012 00:58

I have nothing to do with SS at the moment but my 40 year old ex husband is having a relationship with a 23yr old girl. Due to the size of his bank balance it has been going on for a year. My kids - girl 10 boy 16 have regular contact - 5 nights out of 14 with him and from what I can make out she is always there. This is since he moved into a new house a few weeks ago. I have agreed the contact through solicitors - it is not a court order. I cannot afford to go back to solicitors to re arrange this.
Could the SS do anything to help. I have no idea?
It makes me feel sick. My daughter is at a very impressionable age and I and concerned that it is sending all the wrong messages to her. Saying it all OK for this relationship with the huge age gap (18yrs)He has his own place and I know not what goes on. I don't really know what to do.
Do I just have to live with it? Anyone else been here??
Am I being unreasonable, I just don't know..

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 27/10/2012 01:05

I'm sorry but they are both adults and if the age gap is the only thing you are worried about then SS will laugh at you.

Is there anything else that worries you?

Softlysoftly · 27/10/2012 01:05

YABU it may not be nice for you, it may even be because she's after his cash but it may be she genuinely likes him.

Regardless unless she's an abusive psycho I doubt SS would give a toss. Fwiw there is no issue with that age gap if both partners are happy and over the age of consent.

showtunesgirl · 27/10/2012 01:11

Sorry OP but if the only objection is the age gap then YABU. Why are relationships with big age gaps not ok? Confused

ripsishere · 27/10/2012 01:14

Seriously? I think they'd laugh at you.
40 year old man and 15 year old girl you'd have reasonable grounds, not at the ages they are though.

SoleSource · 27/10/2012 01:14

Yabu she is a grown woman. You are jealous.

crazynanna · 27/10/2012 01:16

Sorry...am a bit slow,I know.

But I don't geddit.

You want to call SS because your adult ex dh is seeing another adult?

Why?

LilQueenie · 27/10/2012 01:20

yabu get over the age gap

izzywizzyisbizzy · 27/10/2012 01:20

LOL

AgentZigzag · 27/10/2012 01:22

I think you're grasping at straws too, the relationship is OK with the age gap.

It's not as though they're really small children and you have other concerns, it's only about how old the ex and his DP are.

Not very nice for you to see regardless, how long have you been split from him?

Why don't you have anything to do with him? I presume he's a grade A twat, but why no contact at all?

squoosh · 27/10/2012 01:35

Get a grip.

Original poster
Scribbleonmypage · 27/10/2012 01:36

Thanks everyone. Won't do that then!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 27/10/2012 01:52

I don't think it'd reflect well on you tbh.

What do your DC think of her/them?

Original poster
Scribbleonmypage · 27/10/2012 02:01

They don't say anything. All very secretive. I think they are OK with it.

OP posts:
Goldenjubilee10 · 27/10/2012 02:06

16.5 years between myself and my husband. We have been together 20 years and have 3 children. Perhaps his ex should have contacted ss. I have always had very good relationships with my stepchildren - or is that what you are worried about?

maras2 · 27/10/2012 02:13

What's the size of his bank balance got to do with it?

AgentZigzag · 27/10/2012 02:18

Are they secretive because they might sense you don't want to hear about it and are trying to spare your feelings?

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 27/10/2012 02:31

Seriously?

GhostofMammaTJ · 27/10/2012 05:04

He has his own place and I know not what goes on

Do you think they are having sex on the dining table in front of your DC then?

All very secretive

I for one do not want to hear what happens in my exes house. Why would you?

Fairylea · 27/10/2012 05:58

I am so confused by this... ss is for abused kids or children at risk from domestic violence or that sort of thing. Not because an ex is living with a much younger partner who isn't even a teenager..... !

LadyKinbote · 27/10/2012 06:02

It must be so hard for you but I'm afraid the others are right - not much you can do.

fuckwittery · 27/10/2012 06:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea · 27/10/2012 06:13

I think it's time you let go ... you both have a right to contact with the children but beyond that what you do with your lives is nothing to do with each other (unless it's something obviously wrong like drug taking or putting the children at risk in other ways - and this relationship is not).

He doesn't have any obligation whatsoever to tell you what he does or who he lives with etc. The same goes for you too. When I divorced I went out with a 22 year old for 6 months. It wouldn't have even occurred to me to tell my ex dh and why should i have?

When I met my now dh (who is also much younger than me) I introduced him to dd and he moved in in time and I never mentioned it to ex once. It really isn't any of his business.

mutny · 27/10/2012 08:34

I am really confused why you would think SS would care? I don't get where as even might be bothered.

Are you worried for the girl or you kids?

Lonecatwithkitten · 27/10/2012 09:14

I do understand that this is really hard for you. I have had to accept that whilst the fact that ExH threw DD into his relationship with OW 3 days after he moved out and the morals surrounding this relationship are very questionable. DD is not "at risk" it is not what I would have done and the messages she is getting about adult relationships maybe quite strange.
However, he is now Ex and I can not control his behaviour. What I do think is that one day (probably as a teenager) she will wake up and decide that what he had done is wrong. He will have to deal with this fall out and backlash then.
I never comment on his behaviour or situation and live my life by my own codes and morals.

windsurf74 · 27/10/2012 09:21

23 year old girl??! You mean, a 23 year old woman.

Trust me, your 10 year old daughter will think she's as ancient as you

What's wrong with age gap relationships? Hmm 14 years between me and my DH....and I'm the older one...guess you'd be judgemental about this too