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AIBU?

In contemplating ringing the Social Services?

55 replies

Scribbleonmypage · 27/10/2012 00:58

I have nothing to do with SS at the moment but my 40 year old ex husband is having a relationship with a 23yr old girl. Due to the size of his bank balance it has been going on for a year. My kids - girl 10 boy 16 have regular contact - 5 nights out of 14 with him and from what I can make out she is always there. This is since he moved into a new house a few weeks ago. I have agreed the contact through solicitors - it is not a court order. I cannot afford to go back to solicitors to re arrange this.
Could the SS do anything to help. I have no idea?
It makes me feel sick. My daughter is at a very impressionable age and I and concerned that it is sending all the wrong messages to her. Saying it all OK for this relationship with the huge age gap (18yrs)He has his own place and I know not what goes on. I don't really know what to do.
Do I just have to live with it? Anyone else been here??
Am I being unreasonable, I just don't know..

OP posts:

Report

FrustratedSycamoreBonks · 27/10/2012 09:30

Minot entirely sure what the problem is. You can't phone SS because your ex has a new partner. Your children are old enough to tell you if they have a problem with her, which you don't say has happen. The only conclusions I can reach is that you are jealous. And I'm afraid neither SS nor your solicitor would be interested in that.

Indith · 27/10/2012 09:35

what's wrong with the age gap, i know couples with bigger ones who are perfetly normal married couples with their own children. For some it is a first marriage, for others a second marriage for one of the party.

Fairylea · 27/10/2012 09:37

I think it's a bit insulting as well to assume that the woman is only with him for his money... not all younger women are with older men for money !!

Indith · 27/10/2012 09:40

agreed Fairy. my uncle's wife certainly isn't, he doesn't have any! Women don't tend to see men who often have their children from their previous marriage as some sort of sugar daddy.

INeedThatForkOff · 27/10/2012 09:48

Um, my DSM is less than 10 years older than me, and has been around since I was 11. You're being weird.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/10/2012 10:00

OP, your post is quite worrying. The things you are complaining about are all normal and acceptable. YABVU! Are you getting any counselling over your split because it sounds like it might be a good idea.

"23 year old girl" - very patronising, she is a grown woman. You may not like the fact that she is younger than you (if she is) but an 18 yr age gap is not too out of the ordinary and I'm assuming that if she is prepared to enter a relationship with an older divorced man who sees a lot of his kids then she could well have a more mature outlook than the average 23 year old anyway.

"she is always there......this is since he moved into a new house.......". I'm sorry, but it's his house and he's totally entitled to let his girlfriend live with him!! As long as he is not sat with her all the time and ignoring your kids when they are there then I really can't see what the problem
Is? He' is entitled to make a new life for himself and it's great that the kids are included in it so much. I know it's not what you want to hear but you sound very bitter and resentful and you need to start accepting that life has changed for everyone. You need to start making a new life for YOU, not finding fault with every perfectly acceptable life choice that your ex makes. If the children seem happy then that is the most important thing. You can be happy again too but you need to let go.

regnamechange · 27/10/2012 10:34

Agree YABVU

Also comes across quite jealous.

regnamechange · 27/10/2012 10:35

I also agree with fairylea its rather insulting that you assume she's there for the money!

ClutchingPearls · 27/10/2012 13:22

I have a 20 year age gap would you like to invite SS round to ours as well?

SS have better things to do than deal with your jealously.

TidyGOLDDancer · 27/10/2012 13:27

What is the actual problem here?

YABVVVVU on the surface, so I'm wondering if there is something else going on?

Unless there is, you sound jealous and ridiculous.

JoanBias · 27/10/2012 13:28

loon.

FeckOffCup · 27/10/2012 13:34

YABU, social services have enough to do with children who are actually being abused or neglected, yours are not and you might not be happy about your ex's new relationship but that doesn't mean he or his partner are doing anything wrong.

oldraver · 27/10/2012 13:35

SS will laugh at you and so they should. Its his business nothing to do with you and what goes on at his contact is nothing to do with you (unless it is actual harmful behaviour)

Yes your daughter may be at an impresionable age but hopefully the happy relationship your ex is having with younger, but grown woman will be a positive to your DD. Hopefully she will see that it can work and you dont have to stick to the 'norms' to pacify frankfully loony ideas (thats you OP)

not at all wondering why YOU are his ex

purplequiche · 27/10/2012 13:36

To give you some perspective OP, at 23 I was a qualified and practising social worker!

Junebugjr · 27/10/2012 13:44

If you would like to give SS some light relief from dealing with seriously abused children then ring them. They'll either be hooting with laughter or very pissed off you've rang about it. It's not what SSD deal with.

I'm trying to find a kind way of saying this, but you need to stop being so concerned about your ex's business. Unless you are in fear of your children suffering significant harm from him or his partner, you need to get busy with your own life, and make the most of the child free time you have.
If you feel you are stuck in a rut getting over your ex etc, try some counselling or a young stud of your own ;)

ProbablyDoingTheWrongThing · 27/10/2012 13:46

Yabu, and bitter as hell.

Birdsgottafly · 27/10/2012 13:48

As a CP SW with an even bigger age gap between myself and DH, i would flag you up on account of your discriminatory views.

Is she also the acceptable race, religion, size, colour?

Or can you just tick one box on what is 'not right' with her?

CotherMuckingFunt · 27/10/2012 13:49

I met dh when he was 40 and I was 23. I can't see where your problem is.

Scribbleonmypage · 27/10/2012 14:00

Thank you to everyone for all the wise words.
Its the subliminal messages they get that I find difficult.
A year ago he would have agreed. We would laugh together at sad old men trying to hold onto their youth by getting a young girl.
I obviously need to get a grip
Thanks for your time and advise Mumsnet. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

EuroShagmore · 27/10/2012 14:05

Wow - a rare AIBU where the OP listens to the consensus!

mutny · 27/10/2012 14:10

Well done op for taking how you have and seeing sense.

But I have to ask- a year ago he would have agreed that SS should be called because 2 adults have a relationship?

What messages are your kids getting that would require SS?

MissKeithLemon · 27/10/2012 14:20

Nothing to add sorry OP, you do sound jealous/bitter etc though so perhaps rise above it and be the bigger woman. Not sure bank balance is anything to do with it either unless you think you have some say over how your ex spends his money

Curlyhairedassassin your post was great, but am I bad that this bit

You may not like the fact that she is younger than you (if she is) really made me laugh? OP has a ds aged 16 so I blooming hope she is older than new girlfriend or that would be a case for SS

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jjuice · 27/10/2012 14:51

My ex's first relationship after we split was with a woman older than me...she was awful, texting me telling me what a crap mother I was and talking about "our access" after they had only been together for a few weeks, she thought nothing of having a bath with the door wide open for my kids to wander in and out (which I found quite alarming).

His next GF was about 15 years younger and is lovely, she tried really hard with the kids and actually seemed to care about them.
Sadly the kids worked out that their dad is an arse and don't want to see him anymore and his new GF seems to be coming to same conclusion.

It's crap when your kids are in a situation you may not like that is beyond your control, but as long as there is no abuse I don't see the problem.

I take it you haven't found a new DP yet?

lolajane2009 · 27/10/2012 15:07

This is mad and def not a social service issue.

missymoomoomee · 27/10/2012 15:28

When DH and I got together I was 19 and he was 32, his sons were 13 and 14, 13 years on his ex still hates me and calls me a gold digger (although there is no gold to dig for). My DSS have seen how she treated us over the years and manipulated our situation to suit her own agenda, said things about me and DH and her 'concern' for her boys, and they no longer speak to her.

Please be very careful not to use your jealousy against the best interests of your children, I know its hard seeing your ex move on but it happens. He is obviously a loving Dad, the 'secrecy' as you call it, is probably down to your children knowing you don't like the situation, maybe having heard you say things about it, and them feeling guilty because they have a great time with their Dad and this woman.

In the nicest possible way you need to get over it, would you like his opinions to have any influence on any partner you may have?

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