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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want CM to take DS to cinema?

62 replies

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 26/10/2012 13:13

DS is 21 months. Really happy and settled with CM, goes twice a week.

There have been a few instances in the past that I have had to unclench turn a blind eye to. Mainly surrounding nutrition. For example, she took DS (at 14mo) to the park and gave him chips and ice cream for lunch. Also, recently she took him to McDonalds - but seen as I was seriously ill in hospital at the time, and she was really helping out, I ignored it. I do not mean to infer he eats only home cooked organic goodness at home but I still think he's a bit young for too much shit food.

Anyway, part of my issue was that I wanted to be the first to take him to McD (I know, ridiculous) and first to give him chips etc! Now CM has told me that seen as he is the only young one she has one day next week she is taking him to the cinema with some of her older DC. They are seeing Ice Age I think. I'm uncomfortable with it. Mainly I wanted to take him for the first time and also I think he's a bit young? She said "oh I'll take plenty of snacks to keep him entertained". Sigh.
In addition, he'd only just had his grommets in after being severly hearing impaired for 10 months+ and I'm slightly worried it'll be overwhelming.

I'm aware I sound pfb

OP posts:

PedanticPanda · 26/10/2012 13:33

Yes wiley - shame.

Original poster

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 26/10/2012 13:34

I appreciate all the advice. She's a very experienced CM and nanny so I always feel I should bow to her greater knowledge of children etc.

OP posts:

CaptainVonTrapp · 26/10/2012 13:39

I don't think you sound pfb but you do sound unreasonable.

You have a list of things you want to be the first to do with him... Sorry your childminder can't possibly be expected to know or follow this. If you had a nanny things may be different... But you've not. Its not just your ds she has to entertain/care for.

The hearing thing sounds like an excuse, you sound peeved cos you wanted to do it and now you're making up reasons that its not a good idea.

At 21 months some children would love the cinema... And of course some wouldn't. I take cotton wool cos I find the cinema very loud but sometimes they turn down the volume at childrens showings anyway.

I agree he's too young for too much shit food. But its not too much is it? From what you're saying its just the odd thing.

To be honest I think she sounds quite nice, variety, treats, flexibility etc... Is there something else you don't like cos otherwise I think your expectations are unreasonable.

CaptainVonTrapp · 26/10/2012 13:42

Of course nokidshere gives really good advice! Go and have a nice friendly, adult chat with her about your worries. Maybe don't mention the mc'ds rite of passage though...

CajaDeLaMemoria · 26/10/2012 13:43

Is it a child's viewing of Ice Age?

In the day around here they tend to be for children, with the lights kept on a little, the volume turned down and the expectations that babys might cry/run around/generally have fun.

But if you want to take him first - which is perfectly valid, he is your child - then say that you'd rather he didn't go, or keep him home if that is an option.

Goldmandra · 26/10/2012 13:44

There are two issues here.

The wanting to do all his firsts is a bit unreasonable. You have made the choice for whatever reason to pay someone else to care for your child for a certain number of hours a week. During that time she will treat your DS as part of her family and give him a wide and varied range of life experiences just as she would her own child. Presumably this is one of the reasons you chose a childminder, rather than a nursery where he would spend most of his time in the same room/garden with the same people and getting occasional trips out.

You need to relish the idea that he will have the chance to enjoy things with her and the other DCs which you might not do with him.

The flip side of this is that some of his firsts will be with her. You cannot reasonably expect a childminder to arrange her activities around making sure she isn't the first to do anything with a child. You need to accept that this is a part of the price you pay for having someone else caring for your child.

As for whether the cinema is an appropriate place for a toddler, well MN opinion seems to be divided and TBH that is for her to judge. She may well not have connected the grommets with the volume level and you definitely should mention it to her. If she still chooses to go ahead with the arrangement, she will have completed a risk assessment process and considered how to manage if things go wrong for any child, not just your DS.

You need to start trusting her to care well for your child. You are going to have times when you feel she has made decisions which you wouldn't. If you communicate effectively she will learn how you feel about things and try to bear your wishes in mind. I would have taken a home made meal for a toddler if the parents felt he shouldn't have chips but I would need to be aware of their feelings in the first place.

You need to talk to her more honestly and tell her how you feel but you also need to understand that she is caring for several other children at the same time and she has to consider the well-being of all of them. That includes the older ones not missing out on treats during school holidays.

Original poster

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 26/10/2012 13:46

I was just trying to give a bit of background about the food thing - like I say, I've unclenched about it. However, although the McD thing was a one-off the generally 'crap' food isn't. There are unlimited biscuits (the children can just help themselves) and not always vegetables with the chicken dippers and chips. But I totally appreciate you get what you pay for etc and I can't be 'in charge' of him all the time if I choose to work etc.

The hearing thing genuinely isn't an excuse though. He has been almost profoundly deaf for a long time and is still getting used to noise. The doorbell upsets him.

OP posts:

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 26/10/2012 13:52

I don't think that's unreasonable, then. Surely it's ok to say you've thought about it and you're worried about the hearing thing? And it would put the CM in a very difficult position if she had to take your DS out within the first ten minutes and he didn't want to go back in - what about the other minded children? So you're thinking of her as well.

Goldmandra · 26/10/2012 13:59

You do need to mention the hearing thing and it's fine to make it clear that she must not keep him in there if he gets upset.

Then you need to let her manage it as she sees best.

Everlong · 26/10/2012 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SugariceAndScary · 26/10/2012 14:03

I don't think you're PFB at all!

He's 21 months, is he going to sit and watch the film for how long , an 80 minute film? [I'm guessing] and it will be loud especially when it first booms out the sound..

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 26/10/2012 14:10

The other reason why I think you are not being unreasonable, OP, is that your child is only with the CM two days a week. She has other days in the week that she can take the other kids to the movies.

izzywizzyisbizzy · 26/10/2012 14:14

I've been taking DD to Cinema since she was born - shebataryed enjoying at about 18 months.

You are being PFB, find a child minder who only has young children if you are unhappy.

valiumredhead · 26/10/2012 15:30

What switch said.

Bigwheel · 26/10/2012 15:56

I agree with you that the cinema and mc Donald's aren't an ideal place to take a 21 month old, however it's half term next week, she's bound to be looking after school aged kids plus possibly her own. You have chosen a childminder rather than a nursery so I think you have to accept this kind of thing occasionally, especially during hoilday time. However as another poster pointed out, you should really be discussing it all with her, and seeing if you can come to a solution between you that suits hers, your ds and the other children's she looks after needs / wants.

BackforGood · 26/10/2012 16:02

Of course YANBU nor PFB.
Cinema is a toatlly unsuitable activity for any 21month old, and a CM should know that. It's not a good enough reason that she wants to take older children - if she agrees to mind mixed ages then she has to find things that all ages can do, and that's not the cinema.
That's before you even start on the hearing issue. Cinemas are incrdibly loud. There is no way in the world that's a suitable environment for a child who has recently had an operation that affects their hearing

I'd really be worrying about leaving my child with anyone who seriously thought that was a good idea.

shewhowines · 27/10/2012 19:53

YABU

She has to entertain children of differing ages. Many parents have had to drag their youngest to the cinema (when really they are too young to appreciate it) for the benefit of their older children.

If you send a child to a childminder then you can't place restrictions on what they can do, when other children are involved, because you want to be the first to do it with them.

My only question to her would be " What would you do if he starts whinging and can't be placated. Will you upset the whole cinema or remove and upset all your other charges? That may make her question the idea, but it is a dilemma faced by many parents but it would be easier for them to disappoint their own children. I still think YABU though.

OHforDUCKScake · 27/10/2012 19:58

I had gromets as a child and a cinema was a big no no.

I clearly remember being frightened by noises and I was 5.

YADNBU.

shewhowines · 27/10/2012 20:00

Seeing as your his mum you have every right to take him to McDonalds first.

See I don't agree. If you choose a childminder over a nursery then it is up to the childminder to provide a home from home experience and it is up to her what she chooses to do within the context of a reasonable family experience.

changeforthebetter · 27/10/2012 20:04

Yanbu can't she do dad and popcorn for older ones and your ds can play with toys. He is far too young for the cinema. Not at all pfb.

Shesparkles · 27/10/2012 20:05

YANBU about the cinema, it's pretty overwhelming for wee ones.
However I think YABU for wanting to do every single "first" with him. It's part of the trade off when you're using any kind of child care. I could have been peed off that ds' childminder gave him his first taste of home made soup, or eternally grateful because its now one of his favourite foods....

changeforthebetter · 27/10/2012 20:07

Dvd obv not dad!

rainbowinthesky · 27/10/2012 20:08

Yanbu. The chips and icecream wouldnt bother me (not sure though why she couldnt take a packed lunch) and same for McDonalds. I would expect her to get permission from you before going there.
I removed dd from a childminder and one of the reasons was the food she was providing (or not).

MagicHouse · 27/10/2012 20:12

I think it's all down to the real reason behind your worries. If it's just the wanting to do things first reason, I think you need to let things go. Tiny children often do "firsts" if they go to a childminder for any length of time. I'm pretty sure my wobbly dd "first" walked the length of a room at her childminder's (can't quite remember though - that's bad isn't it!!)

The cinema thing - well I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with my 2 and half year old DS going to the cinema with his CM, but only because he'd be extremely unlikely to sit down for the whole film and quite probably be playing in the aisles after a while, and I'd be worried that it would a) stress everyone out and b) be a waste of money if they all had to walk out! If I knew he'd enjoy the film, I'd be delighted she wanted to take him!

The chips/ McD's... well not every day, but the occasional bit of rubbish doesn't bother me! I don't think I'd be desperate to be/ have been the "first" to take my children either! Mind you, I don't think I'm all that bothered about "firsts" really - my memory isn't good enough for me to worry about firsts!

I just think you need to unpick your worries, and then as PPs have said, talk to her about them!

Dozer · 27/10/2012 20:19

Yanbu re the cinema, especially since your DS is the only mindee she has that day and that it might be a bad experience for him with his hearing issues.

One of the drawbacks of childminding must be that it can be hard to give your own DC treats, outings etc in school holidays whilst minding younger children, but it goes with the territory and she should arrange something different IMO.

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