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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU/unkind re old school friend

64 replies

shinyblackgrape · 26/10/2012 02:18

I've recently got back in touch with an old school friend from school via facebook.

Since we were at school, she's had a pretty hard time if things - failed ivf, health problems, husband leaving her.

We met for lunch a few months ago and it was quite draining. I've just got married and am expected ting first DC so obviously didn't want to dwell on that. So we spent a lot of time speaking about her problems etc -which was understandable.

We arranged to meet more recently and she was about 90 minutes late - albeit she did text me but only when I had texted her to see where she was after waiti g for 15 minutes. She kept saying she was en route etc but then didn't appear for anothet hour or so. I was just about to send a final text saying I was leaving when she appeared. Again, the lunch was quite draining as we just went through the same problems again and the fact that her ex now seemed to be going out with one of her friends. Which is horrible, of course.

I've now just started mat leave and friend has been asking abou meeting up for lunch but I just can't face. I'm knackered but also feeling a bit hormonal and just feel I can't sit through another 3 hour lunch listening to more problems etc. however, another part if me thinks that I'm being really unkind and that I should try and offer a bit if support as it is only a few hours.

DH thinks it's a complete no brainer and I should just make a polite excuse etc. specifically in case I have to sit there for 90 mins again waiting. I just don't know though and feel I'm being unkind

OP posts:
MissKeithLemon · 26/10/2012 15:15

I think the OP is far less harsh than some of the other posters.

She already feels she might be being unkind by not meeting up again. She came to ask if she was BU.

So, OP YABU.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 26/10/2012 15:16

Your friend isn't telling you that you can't talk about happy stuff is she? If not the only thing stopping you is your idea that its insensitive to her considering her circumstances.

It might actually be nice for her and much better for you.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 26/10/2012 15:25

You had me at the 90 minute wait.

Seriously I would never expect a friend to wait 90 minutes for me whatever the circumstances. If I thought I was going to be that delayed I would ring up straight away apologise and suggest we rearrange the date, then I would probably send flowers afterwards - can you tell I am never late Grin?

If you feel you owe her a last chance then invite her round to yours that way you won't be inconvenienced by waiting for her, but frankly when the baby comes you will only want/have time for people who have time for you so she is very likely to disappear in a puff of smoke then, so perhaps you will be doing both of you a kindness by not meeting up again now.

myfirstkitchen · 26/10/2012 16:10

real friends would listen to you too and be interested in your life. dont cut her off although don't put yourself in this position. she's obviously taking her toll on you, or you wouldn't of posted it here. i feel for her coz she's going though a rough time but like someone else said it's not as if it's a 'proper' friendship where it's been give and take and you've both been there for each other though the good and bad times.

she should be happy for you and you wont have much time after the baby is born, so use this time to see friends who are happy for you and you enjoy seeing and meeting up with.

maybe take her off your fb chat list too so she can't see when you're on chat!

Growlithe · 26/10/2012 16:22

My SIL has a great saying - 'Don't let anyone live in your head rent free'

stillsmarting · 26/10/2012 17:32

She isn't really a friend, is she? You haven't kept in touch since school so presumably you weren't that close. I don't think you are under any obligation to her.
If you really feel you should give her another chance I'd definitely limit it to coffee.

diddl · 26/10/2012 17:34

"I've been that person having a shit time and had the friend complaining that Im too miserable to be around."

Well then I would suggest that they´re not really a friend.

But when you were having a "shit time"-surely that wasn´t all you talked about all of the time?

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/10/2012 17:41

OP- YANBU.

As she's not a close friend it is hard to have a frank chat with her about it,so in your position I would probably make myself unavailable.

I have 3 very close friends. We are always there for each other but we also give each other a reality check when we have lost sense of other people having problems or just things they would like to talk about too. That directness is invaluable. Regardless of how bad a time one is having,friends cannot be therapists 24/7.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/10/2012 17:42

*I'm not a friendless weirdo,wouldn't confide in anyone other than those 3,I meant.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 26/10/2012 19:47

diddle. We're talking 3 weeks after my parent died and i was in shock. Too miserable apparently the first time she saw me . . . Its called grief! I thought she was a friend, apparently not.

diddl · 26/10/2012 19:56

Oh no, definitely no friend.

That´s no "shit time" though-it´s just utter devastation.

FushiaFernica · 26/10/2012 20:09

It is the being 90 mins late thing that concerns me, it sounds like she has no consideration for you. As you are on mat leave I am presuming you are heavily pregnant, leave any consideration of a meeting until after your baby is born, then see how you feel.

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 26/10/2012 20:32

fuschia - yes, I'm 36 weeks. Just finished last week and quite tired.

I wouldn't normally have waited the 90 mins but when I chased by text, sgphe kept saying she was nearly there so I hung on. I literally was just about to text I was leaving when she appeared. It was annoying as I had asked to meet for brunch rather than lunch (sorry, didn't say in my first post) as DH and I needed to do things that day.

I know people have said that perhaps I was chuntering on re DH/baby. I honestly wasn't. I hardly talked about them - mainly because most of the conversation was about her and her various issues so no time to talk re me. Also, it was clear that it would be really inappropriate to talk about them as she was saying how awful it was for her when people became pregnant. At the first lunch I was pregnant but didn't know. At the second, I was and had to say but mentioned by text beforehand when making the arrangements as I thought that might be more sensitive rather than a big reveal at the lunch.

I do take on board the comments that people go through hard times etc. however, I think I'm a bit limited at the moment re the support I can give.

I think I might try and meet up for a coffee if there is time before the baby is born but will deffo not be hanging around waiting!

OP posts:
Growlithe · 26/10/2012 20:47

Seriously shiny get your feet up now and stop worrying about other people. Because you are going to be worrying about the person you are about to meet for the rest of your life. Smile Suddenly all your priorities will be worked out for you and life is much simplier for it.

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