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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU/unkind re old school friend

64 replies

shinyblackgrape · 26/10/2012 02:18

I've recently got back in touch with an old school friend from school via facebook.

Since we were at school, she's had a pretty hard time if things - failed ivf, health problems, husband leaving her.

We met for lunch a few months ago and it was quite draining. I've just got married and am expected ting first DC so obviously didn't want to dwell on that. So we spent a lot of time speaking about her problems etc -which was understandable.

We arranged to meet more recently and she was about 90 minutes late - albeit she did text me but only when I had texted her to see where she was after waiti g for 15 minutes. She kept saying she was en route etc but then didn't appear for anothet hour or so. I was just about to send a final text saying I was leaving when she appeared. Again, the lunch was quite draining as we just went through the same problems again and the fact that her ex now seemed to be going out with one of her friends. Which is horrible, of course.

I've now just started mat leave and friend has been asking abou meeting up for lunch but I just can't face. I'm knackered but also feeling a bit hormonal and just feel I can't sit through another 3 hour lunch listening to more problems etc. however, another part if me thinks that I'm being really unkind and that I should try and offer a bit if support as it is only a few hours.

DH thinks it's a complete no brainer and I should just make a polite excuse etc. specifically in case I have to sit there for 90 mins again waiting. I just don't know though and feel I'm being unkind

OP posts:
Mintyy · 26/10/2012 09:21

I would be inclined to have one more meeting. You have only had two lunches with her so far. If its the same again this time then you know that the other two occasions were not one-offs. You can always say "yes to lunch but you will promise not to be 90 minutes late this time?". That seems fair enough to me.

thecatsminion · 26/10/2012 09:25

I think it's fair enough you not going, particularly after she was late.

But I'd be careful so not to make her feel any worse. I'd not say I had a scan, and I suspect you finding negative aspects about pregnancy to talk about will be making her feel pretty bad.

I'd also be a bit wary of all the "you just need happy people around you when you're pregnant" advice. I've been the friend who no-one wanted to speak to when I had a whole run of really shitty things happen to me in the space of about 18 months. None of it was my fault but it was not a particularly nice place to be, particularly since a lot of people just avoided me - I hadn't even said anything to them about it. So well done for meeting her again.

But practically, you're probably not going to be a long-term support option for her as you're about to be very busy. So I'd either do the coffee or keep it to light Facebook chat. That way you're not totally ignoring her but you're not being made into a key part of her coping mechanism.

justmyview · 26/10/2012 10:11

Or meet at the cinema, where (a) she will make an effort to arrive on time and (b) you can enjoy a film together without having a long talk about problems

FeckOffCup · 26/10/2012 11:09

I would be inclined to give her one last chance, and the suggestion of meeting for a coffee rather than a meal is a good one, but if she is late again then I would call it quits, that would really piss me off sitting waiting for someone for over an hour.

xMumof3x · 26/10/2012 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snazzyspookyandscary · 26/10/2012 11:14

Coffee or cinema are good ideas. It's good to be supportive but if that's all you're ever doing then it's not much of a friendship. Don't feel either you have to say nothing about your own life, There's a difference between being smug and rubbing stuff in, and saying something brief and honest about how you're looking forward to the baby's arrival.
I am chronically late and 90 mins is more even than I would run to. So definitely don't wait this long again. I would text at 30 mins to say you've had to go so let's rearrange.

pictish · 26/10/2012 11:16

The old me before I wised up would've waited too.
The me today makes 'as if' noises and pulls a face at the very thought.

When it finally dawns on you that you can't be all things to all people, and have no obligation to be, it's very liberating.

Everlong · 26/10/2012 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

geegee888 · 26/10/2012 11:53

I don't know, shes not really asked that much of you. Two lunches over several months and you already want to bail. Fair enough if you don't really consider her a friend any more as you lost touch before. It must be an awful time for her and friends avoiding her is I'm sure the last thing she needs. Imagine if you were in her position one day, what would you feel like? I agree meeting her for coffee in the future is a nicer way out.

Everlong · 26/10/2012 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClippedPhoenix · 26/10/2012 12:18

I've done what you have in the past, meeting the old school friends and like others have said you didn't stay in touch for a reason.

Just make your excuses and forget all about her.

whois · 26/10/2012 12:24

Yeah she's not been much of a friend to you, so just don't bother. You've grown apart, it happens.

stuffitunderthebed · 26/10/2012 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissKeithLemon · 26/10/2012 12:41

I wonder... if someone posted on here that they were having a really hard time of it and that all their old friends had faded away over the years so no support in rl, would we not be telling her to hook up with old friends and try to reconnect/get the support she needed?

diddl · 26/10/2012 12:47

But if all your friends have faded away-perhaps you need to ask yourself why?

Snazzyspookyandscary · 26/10/2012 12:58

diddl good point - we could ask why the friend doesn't have anyone else to maon to for 3 hours other than an old schoolfriend she hadn't seen for years before finding her on facebook.

Mrsjay · 26/10/2012 14:19

I know people have problems and worries but the OP met her friend twice and twice it was all about 'friend' and her problems is a meet up after years of not seeing each other not supposed to be fun remembering school days just chattting I wouldn't be sitting through 3 hours of constant moaning , i

MissKeithLemon · 26/10/2012 14:37

Yes Diddl - I agree. I'd wonder if my friend had been the victim of EA or had suffered depression due to failed IVF/husband walking out and shacking up with friend;
but then I wouldn't be on MN asking if I should drop a re-acquainted friendship becasue I didn't get to chat about my marvellous bump with someone who has been far less fortunate than I had.

diddl · 26/10/2012 14:46

Well we don´t know that OP did want to go on about her marriage & pregnancy.

And it is unfortunate that they have only just got in touch again.

But friend was an hr & a half late-so how bothered is she?

But even if OP wanted to talk about her wedding/marriage/pregnancy-she can´t due to friend´s circs.

But she´s supposed to listen sympathetically whilst told about all friend´s woes?

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 26/10/2012 15:05

These things would make a difference to me:

  1. how good a friend was she AT THE TIME. There are a couple of very old friends I would go out of my way for however difficult the situation was by virtue of our relationship then. But if she was a so so friend who just got in contact via FB recently after a long lapse...I don't think you need to reorder your universe to accommodate her. Take a leaf out of Pictish's book here...or maybe limit to coffees.
  2. What was the reason for the lateness? was it a total mick take?
  3. was she very self orientated when you originally knew her? If so, again, Pictish has the right idea.
LadyHarrietdeSpook · 26/10/2012 15:07

There are some people, I have found, that demand a lot but you're not really supporting them when you listen to their woes. In these situations I've felt more like...an audience.

Not knowing the girl it's impossible to say if she's one of this sort or not. Only you will know...

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 26/10/2012 15:09

(here she goes again)

i just had an email from one of those friends...funnily enough. Woes listened to, advice given, comments ignored totally, back on track with the guy, off the rails again, and so on.

I won't be having these meetings anymore.

WilsonFrickett · 26/10/2012 15:11

I had a very hard time with one (very close) friend who, for reasons I won't go into, had a hard time with me being pg. That was tough. But I wasn't going to be around anyone who dimmed my joy, or wanted me to apologise for my much-wanted pg. After I had DS, we met up and sorted it out - properly - and we're still extremely good friends today. It was a blip, to do with her state of mind.

The thing with the OP is, it isn't a blip - it's the beginning of a brand-new relationship. They aren't at school any more, they are re-negotiating their way forward into an adult friendship. That has to be of mutual benefit.

Put it this way, if the same thing happened with a complete stranger, would you be going back for a third lunch?

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 26/10/2012 15:13

I've been that person having a shit time and had the friend complaining that Im too miserable to be around. It sucks!

diddl · 26/10/2012 15:15

I agree.

But then-if you are such good friends-how do you lose contact?

I have a friend who emigrated in the 70s, so we kept in touch by writing to each other!!

We have been together in the UK when she returned, apart in the UK & now I´m the one not in UK.

I see her whenever I go over & we just carry on a conversation as if we have never been apart.

In the meantime we keep in touch via email, FB...