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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I be more accommodating?

65 replies

ernieandbert · 25/10/2012 23:59

I'm getting married next year and my brother is getting married the month after us. The other day, someone asked FSIL if she had found bridesmaid dresses yet and what colour she was having. She replied green. I was also planning to have green, so I mentioned it then to make sure she knew I wasn't copying etc as I know some people are particular about these things.

Today I get a text message from my brother telling me they are having sage and asking what shade I was having. I replied that we were also having sage because it would be a good colour to match our flowers (colourful country-style), but that I didn't mind having the same colour as them, and asked if they minded. He replied that they didn't really want to have the same colour as the weddings are close together, and that FSIL has planned the wedding around sage. I replied that sage isn't really a colour scheme for us, that the flowers are the main event so the weddings wouldn't look that similar really, but that I would look at slightly darker shades of green.

It's not that I care about the colour that much (it's what I prefer, but doesn't matter as much to me as it obviously does to them). I'm pissed off because they are the ones who are bothered about having the same colours but I'm the one who's expected to change to something else?!

I cannot understand why a colour scheme is more important to someone than having a good relationship with their sister (ie. me).

AIBU to stick to green or should I change to accommodate them?

OP posts:

JustSpidero · 26/10/2012 13:10

TBH I look rubbish in cream, but it suits some people and would almost definitely work for little bridesmaids if you're having any.

BleepingSooty · 26/10/2012 13:27

I love the idea of saying that you have decided to change the colour to willow in a really martyed way and then keep the colour you wanted.

If they don't want the same colour they should change.

Calabraaiiiiiiiinnnnnsssss · 26/10/2012 16:22

Put each bridesmaid in a different colour. I had jewel colours; green, blue, red, purple and pale gold, to complement my antique gold dress.

Tootyfruityonrouty · 26/10/2012 16:44

I don't understand why ou say they are bullying you. Are they normally bullies? It's quite a strong word. I may have misunderstood but your op makes it sounds like you said that you were planning on having the same colour and you asked if they minded, they said yes, you said ok I'll look at darker ones. All sounds v reasonable, have I missed the bullying part?
I think sometimes it nice to do things for other people, even when it seems petty and a bit Wierd, it's nicer then having a fight and upsetting them over something you don't really care about.

HappyTurquoise · 26/10/2012 17:08

What does your mother think (and other female relatives)? Are they all getting 2 outfits, or will some be making do with the one? Avoiding sage is one thing, but needing to avoid a whole range of different colours is a bit tricky. For that reason, at least stick to another green if you do change, out of consideration for the guests you will have in common. (Unless they are all too rich to care!)

Kalisi · 26/10/2012 17:24

calabraaiiiinnnnsssss That sounds amazing!

ConferencePear · 26/10/2012 17:26

Green used to be considered very unlucky for weddings. Change your olour and tell them why.

ConferencePear · 26/10/2012 17:29

Oops that should be colour.
Marry in green ashamed to be seen is what my old granny used to say.

ChaoticismyLife · 26/10/2012 18:30

Isn't that the bride though, not the bridesmaids?

Calabraaiiiiiiiinnnnnsssss agree with Kalisi that does sound amazing.

Original poster

ernieandbert · 26/10/2012 18:57

No tootyfruity that's not how it happened.

I was in the room when another family member asked FSIL about her bridesmaid dresses. In the heat of the moment, I mentioned that we were also having green as I didn't want her to think we had copied or something if she found out down the line.

Then my brother texted me to say they were having sage green and asked what colour we were having. The fact that they asked implied that they didn't want us to have the same colours. So it was natural for me to say that I didn't mind about the colours being the same, but did they. Granted, I shouldn't have done this as many others have pointed out, as they said they did mind, so I have essentially backed myself into a corner.

Had a reply from him earlier saying thanks (presumably to my comment that I would look at darker shades of green), and reiterating that FSIL has planned everything around sage.

Btw, although FSIL has planned a sage colour scheme, she hasn't actually ordered any dresses, invitations etc yet. So it's not like it would be impossible to change, it's just that they don't want to.

Anyway I haven't replied to his last text and don't plan to bring up the subject with them. My plan is to have an open mind about colours, consider everything, and then pick whatever I like. It may very well not be green, but if I find a really nice green dress that my bridesmaids like at the right price, then sod it, I'll buy it.

OP posts:

SuePurblybilt · 26/10/2012 19:22

Cor, she's chewing his ear off behind the scenes, isn't she?
Stick with the exact colour you want, send one text saying you've had another look and have decided to go with Woodland Green instead. Then ignore.
Or, if you're feeling evil, send a text back saying 'that's brilliant, we can use the same dresses then! Can you make sure your Bridesmaids are the same height as mine? Thanks!!'

Original poster

ernieandbert · 26/10/2012 19:25

One thing I haven't mentioned here is that I'm one of her bridesmaids...(I think I was asked out of courtesy because it's common/expected that the groom's sister will be a bridesmaid. That's going to be fun now.

OP posts:

midseasonsale · 26/10/2012 19:31

Go look at some dresses and see what takes your fancy. It's it's still sage after that, stick with it.

Text your B and tell him you really love the sage colour you have chosen and that you will have a think about things but can't promise to change your colour.

trixie123 · 26/10/2012 19:33

I have no idea why you having the same colours would "reflect" on anyone. As others have said, if you don't really mind, why not have your bridesmaids all in different colours to match the countryside theme, lilac, sage, primrose etc then it isn't all matchy anyway. This whole thing about being if people get married close together is crazy. The entire wedding industry relies on you buying into the idea that you are the ONLY person ever to get married but that at the same time, you need to be unique and different and special. I got married last week - when we got to the venue in the morning, the previous day's bride was still there packing stuff up - no biggie, but my DSIS was having a bit of a fit about how they should shove off quickly as its now MY day. Your FSIL needs to get a grip now and you need to avoid getting into any debates about what each of you are doing will compare. Best of luck!

IloveJudgeJudy · 26/10/2012 19:58

i think you're all being a bit mean to FSIL. She had already arranged her wedding, as it seems, quite a long time before the OP. Then OP comes along and arranges her wedding (with many of the same guests) one month before hers. OP also has same colour bridesmaids.

Good for you, OP, for being willing to change. It will make future relations much more harmonious.

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