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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I be more accommodating?

65 replies

ernieandbert · 25/10/2012 23:59

I'm getting married next year and my brother is getting married the month after us. The other day, someone asked FSIL if she had found bridesmaid dresses yet and what colour she was having. She replied green. I was also planning to have green, so I mentioned it then to make sure she knew I wasn't copying etc as I know some people are particular about these things.

Today I get a text message from my brother telling me they are having sage and asking what shade I was having. I replied that we were also having sage because it would be a good colour to match our flowers (colourful country-style), but that I didn't mind having the same colour as them, and asked if they minded. He replied that they didn't really want to have the same colour as the weddings are close together, and that FSIL has planned the wedding around sage. I replied that sage isn't really a colour scheme for us, that the flowers are the main event so the weddings wouldn't look that similar really, but that I would look at slightly darker shades of green.

It's not that I care about the colour that much (it's what I prefer, but doesn't matter as much to me as it obviously does to them). I'm pissed off because they are the ones who are bothered about having the same colours but I'm the one who's expected to change to something else?!

I cannot understand why a colour scheme is more important to someone than having a good relationship with their sister (ie. me).

AIBU to stick to green or should I change to accommodate them?

OP posts:

karron · 26/10/2012 08:35

Can't help thinking your sil to be realised this might be tricky so got you db to have the awkward conversation and he didn't realise what a big thing e is asking.

Kalisi · 26/10/2012 08:40

Not at all you have to do what you have to do. This isn't about changing dates though it's about changing a colour that apparently you don't care about. I know how stupidly political weddings can be and obviously at the end of the day, you do what you want ( Which I'm pretty sure by your response you are planning to do anyway!) But I'm just saying that sitting here, I feel a little for your DB and SIL. They announce engagement, you announce engagement, they announce date, you announce date ( one month before), they announce colour scheme.....you get the picture

Original poster

ernieandbert · 26/10/2012 08:58

Yeah i get your point and to be honest i think we are going to have to change to avoid them falling out with us. I really hate being bullied into it though.

OP posts:

Ephiny · 26/10/2012 09:04

I think you should both have whatever colour you like, and I really doubt anyone but you and them will notice or care or remember what your 'colour schemes' were.

I didn't even know there was such a concept as a colour scheme until I started reading MN (despite having been to several weddings)!

Just plan your wedding in the way you want to, and don't get sucked into other people's bridezilla dramas :)

Kalisi · 26/10/2012 09:11

I understand, by the time you get married you will be so bloody sick of making decisions based on accommodating other people! I apologise as I was a bit harsh with my last post. Unfortunately I was involved in a very similar situation ( from the other side) and it hit a bit close to home. However if it helps, the person in question didn't budge and I just got over it. Your brother will do the same.
Your Wedding is the only day that you are allowed to be completely and utterly selfish. If it's true that you don't care about the colour then yes you should change, but if you had your heart set on sage you need to do what you want.

akaemmafrost · 26/10/2012 09:14

I'd change it because i couldn't be arsed with their drama, but would definitely be thinking what petty twats they are.

YellowDinosaur · 26/10/2012 09:21

Your mistake was in asking if they minded about you having the same colour scheme and agreeing to look at other colours. Of course in the situation you describe YANBU to both have sage green, but if I was your sil and you asked if I minded, I said I did, and you chose sage anyway it would feel a bit 'fuck you'.

For this reason I think you should probably change. I can understand your annoyance but really by asking if they minded, given that they say they do you need to change. If you are not prepared to then I think you need to speak to them about it and explain why if is important to you to have sage.

Like others say though it may be that the 2 colours you are planning are very different. But to go into it anymore than you have just makes it all more of a big deal. Decide what colour you want and stuck to it but be prepared for the fallout if you sick to your funds. Not because yabu but because by asking if they minded you have wrong footed yourself.

Thelobsterswife · 26/10/2012 09:21

I feel a bit sorry for your brother to be honest! He is clearly stuck in the middle. I don't know any men who would get involved in a wedding colour scheme drama. In fact I don't know many women who would either! He is clearly getting it in the ear, and as others have said, she is probably upset as well that you are getting married first. Apparently this is something that some women get very upset about. I would just change your colour. You don't sound bothered about the colour so why be stubborn? No point falling out over one day! As others have said, I have been to loads of weddings and I can rarely remember the colour scheme, the dresses, the flowers, the first dance, what we ate because I am usually tipsy because people really don't care about the detail, apart from the bride, and in your rare case, also the groom!

HorraceTheOtter · 26/10/2012 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiggytape · 26/10/2012 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kalisi · 26/10/2012 09:24

And for the love of God make sure you get pregnant first!

tiggytape · 26/10/2012 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thelobsterswife · 26/10/2012 09:26

Yy to Kalisi! And don't discuss baby names!

panicnotanymore · 26/10/2012 09:27

I suspect she feels you are being a bit of a cow by jumping in with your wedding a month before her (after she has announced the date) and then choosing the same colour scheme. Obviously you didn't plan it like that, but from her perspective you can see how it looks. My SIL was REALLY upset when her brother decided to get engaged and married very quickly, and the wedding pre-dated her long planned day by 6 months. She'd have been apoplectic had it been only one month, and the same colour scheme would have just about finished her off.

Be nice, change the colours given you aren't that worried about a theme. There must be another colour your bridesmaids could wear. I can't believe they wear only sage every day of their lives.

Is she really being that petty? I'm not so sure. It does look like you are jumping all over her choices and getting your oar in first, even though you know, and have explained that it isn't like that.

HipHopOpotomus · 26/10/2012 09:29

Do what you want to.

Seriously NO ONE will care about the colours, apart from the brides/grooms. If future SIL won't enjoy her green because you USED it first, that really is for her to deal with herself.

Agree don't share any more information!

Everlong · 26/10/2012 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustSpidero · 26/10/2012 10:00

Your FSIL sounds like a bit of a griselda who it's obsessed with being the centre of attention tbh.

My gut feeling is that if you're not that fussed about the colour, then change it to avoid any aggro, but I'd be concerned that it was the thin end of the wedge and that she'll keep finding things to get her knickers in a twist over and wanting you to change them.

Definitely ask to see a swatch of her colour choice first though - it's true what someone else said upthread that everyone has different perceptions of colour. A friend of mine told me all about her sage bridesmaids dresses - I would have described them as a soft lime !

JustSpidero · 26/10/2012 10:01

Bridezilla - not griselda (although I quite like that!)

Ephiny · 26/10/2012 10:13

Yes I agree you probably shouldn't have asked if they minded, if you were going to do it anyway even if they said yes!

I just wouldn't discuss details with them any more. You should both have your weddings the way you want them, and if some things turn out to be similar - well, a lot of weddings are very similar. I think several of the ones I've been to have merged into one in my memory.

Birdsgottafly · 26/10/2012 10:15

It doesn't matter to you, so change.

Do you love your brother?

Are you going to love any of your DN's? Then why be difficult?

It propbably will matter to your mum (if she is still here) and other family members if there is a rift of any sort.

I don't understand this 'being difficult' state of mind, just for the sake of it, with family members that you are suppose to care about, tbh.

So much for weddings signifying the joining of two families.

On other wedding threads OP's are encourage to slag off their siblings weddings and describe them as OTT, i would shut someone up instantly who criticised anyone's choices, who i cared about.

MsElisaDay · 26/10/2012 10:20

Chortling away at the idea of having a 'colour scheme', or indeed the notion that you could have 'stolen their thunder' by getting married a whole month before them.
But then i'm another one who couldn't tell you the colour schemes of any of the four weddings I went to this summer, and I also didn't bother with having matching bridesmaids at my own wedding.

SIL is being petty. If I were you i'd let the princess have her colour scheme and change my bridesmaid dresses, just to keep the peace- but only because I genuinely wouldn't care about having the sage green or not.

However, you do really want the green, then have it! And tell her to stop making a fuss about something so absolutely irrelevant. Your wedding is not going to be the same as theirs just because some dresses are vaguely similar. None of the guests will notice, let alone care, about what colour the bridesmaids are wearing.

Inertia · 26/10/2012 10:51

Horrace- I'm sure you can imagine the family awkwardness when we discovered that we had booked the very same small green performing elephant that DB and FSIL had booked.

Luckily the fire-juggling capybara was still available so we booked him instead, even though he didn't even match my scheme.

Ernie- don't feel bullied. Just consult a Dulux colour chart, find another name for green, job done.

ChaoticismyLife · 26/10/2012 11:19

The OP isn't being difficult...her DB/SIL2B are being entitled and ridiculous.

Even if the dresses are the exact same shade they'll probably be different designs/materials and look different, especially if the rest of the weddings are done differently.

JustSpidero · 26/10/2012 12:53

TBH if any guests think anything of it at all, it will probably be 'ah how sweet they must have similar tastes and get on well.'

Perhaps your bridesmaids could wear cream with a sage green sash, and you could have a sage green wedding dress - wouldn't be the bridesmaids wearing the same them would it?!

ChaoticismyLife · 26/10/2012 13:07

Why not go for cream? Excellent choice on Pippa Middleton, suits everyone

You'd think so wouldn't you but I tried on a cream coloured cardigan in a shop once and it drained me.

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