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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that we should all parent a bit more like...

80 replies

GoldenAutumn · 24/10/2012 22:53

this?

Well I'm not saying that 'we' all 'should', but I know I'd like to parent a bit more like that - more free and free-range, more accepting that sometimes experimenting results in survivable pain and injury, less fearful.

I know that's not as easily achievable in deepest darkest Surrey, as opposed to the wilds of South Africa, where this guy is. Still, there are aspects I'd like to extrapolate.

When DD last stayed with my Dparents, she told me she'd been racing around the fields on the farmer's quad bike, rounding up the sheep. On closer questioning, it transpired that she hadn't been wearing a helmet or any kind of safety belt. When I pointed out that this didn't sound very safe, she said 'it was fine mum - I was holding on to the dog.'

I bit my tongue because what a great experience that must have been... despite the obvious safety issues (I did have a word with my DM though...).
Danger vs fun and exploration... it's a tricky one.

OP posts:

TwickOrTweasels · 25/10/2012 19:55

What the actual fuck is going on here. I have genuinely no idea.

BeingBooyhoo · 25/10/2012 19:56

me either.

Justreadthefuckingwords · 25/10/2012 19:58

Me either, but it's good.

MrsCampbellBlack · 25/10/2012 20:00

I think my illness has made me delirious - joins Beingbooyhoo in WTAF' ness

TwickOrTweasels · 25/10/2012 20:01

It started out reasonable enough.

SilentMammoth · 25/10/2012 20:03

I think it's important not to get sentimental here.

We live outside the uk on remote farm, so extremely lucky in many respects. That said, theres no damn way my children ride the quad, full stop. Not safe. Have a friend who is always waxing lyrical about the way we live and how sad it is most children don't know how to light a fire. Why would they bloody need to with central heating? You learn what you need to for your environment. Stupid soppy attitude. Theres a lot of dangers city children are made safe from.

Still wouldn't swap though!

BeingBooyhoo · 25/10/2012 20:03

i love your name justread how apt!

Justreadthefuckingwords · 25/10/2012 20:05

*Eric's', no need to defend your son, I don't think he's the target of any opprobrium.

FWIW my father is very much like your husband, he used to take us on the moors to build scaffolding bombs, swing us off on rope swings over ridiculous drops, send us down the river on distinctly ropey rafts and generally endanger our lives on a regular basis. We bloody loved it.

I didn't need defending, protecting maybe, but not defending.

Justreadthefuckingwords · 25/10/2012 20:08

Cheers Boo, it's my latest incarnation - may keep it for a while.

Justreadthefuckingwords · 25/10/2012 20:14

I actually indulge in deep mother bear love.

Me & papa bear keep it for high days & holidays though.

BeingBooyhoo · 25/10/2012 20:16

naughty just

IfNotNowThenWhen · 25/10/2012 20:35

Mmmm. I am more of a cowardly lion myself.

3LittleHens · 25/10/2012 20:55

Out of interest how old is your daughter?
Was she driving the quad bike or a passenger?

We live in a very rural area, and I have the same dilema as you, in that my husband is quite keen to let my 6 year old have a quad bike or a motorbike in a couple of year's time.

The alarm bells ring, as I have seen quite a lot of child fatalities caused by quad bike accidents reported in our local paper over the years.

Ericsdaughter · 25/10/2012 21:31

This is why my friend told me never to enter the fray right? Before I return to the cave, I think there was one comment that questioned my son's....ummmm....sense is perhaps the nicest way to say it. I told you about him in the hopes that you would perhaps see your own son or daughter in his description. And in the seeing perhaps be a little kinder in your judgements. He's a good kid and he is loved, as I'm sure all of yours are too. You can think I'm a fruit loop (quite obviously, and you wouldn't be far wrong) and you can think my husband reckless, but at least recognise that we're all just trying to do the same thing: love our children, grow them up, make them smart, make them interesting.

Original poster

GoldenAutumn · 25/10/2012 22:09

Fucking hell could you lot (from booyhoo onwards) be any nastier?

Booyhoo said
"that he's a bit of an idiot and he's now proud that he's also managed to raise an idiot to take -part in his idiotic 'adventures'."

If someone spoke about my husband and child like that then I'd want to defend them, too, yet you're all mock-outraged/uncomprehending when this woman does that? What's so hard to understand about someone trying to convey why her child isn't how you've painted him, when you've waded in with your ill-conceived nastiness.

I'm sorry I posted this in the first place. It was meant to be a light-hearted thread and it turned into a bitch-fest. FFS.

OP posts:

Original poster

GoldenAutumn · 25/10/2012 22:15

3little DD is 9, she was a passenger on the farmer's bike when he came to round up the sheep in the field adjacent to my DM's house. They round them up initially using the bike, then fine tune it with the dog, from what I can gather. DD was on the back of the bike, supposedly holding onto the bar but actually holding on to the sheep dog. Not very safe but no harm done on this occasion and great fun had by DD. not an experience she'd have had at home and I'm glad she had it.

OP posts:

BeingBooyhoo · 25/10/2012 22:20

you're right golden. i shouldn't have called a child an idiot. that was out of order. eric'sdaughter i am sorry for that. i wouldn't be happy about that either if it was my child.

WRT the "mock outraged/uncomprehending" comment. i wasn't outraged, mock or otherwise but i was uncomprehending about why eric's was telling us her son's eye colour and that his middle names were family names. i understand now, since she has explained, what she was doing. but quite honestly the post made no sense to me. i couldn't see the relevance of all those details in relation to what we were discussing.

i stand by my comment that the stuff described in the blog was idiotic. and i honestly would become very quickly worried if my 7 year old suddenly started to open car doors whilst moving just to see what happened. surely 7 year olds know what happens? maybe i am completely missing the context that it happend in, perhaps he was used to jumping in and out of vehicles whilst moving, maybe it's a normal thing where this boy is. i dont know. i just commented on what i read and the blogger said that he did it to see what happened which would imply it wasn't a normal thing to do where he lives.

PumpkInDublic · 25/10/2012 22:22

Sorry the massive advert for the blog didn't turn out quite how expected....

Original poster

GoldenAutumn · 25/10/2012 22:38

Thanks for the clarification and apology booy.

pump it's a blog I like, but I have no vested interest in advertising it. People post links on here all the time - are all the daily wail links advertising too then?

OP posts:

PumpkInDublic · 25/10/2012 22:39

No, but then we tend not to have the authors arriving within 24 hours to comment and discuss....

baskingseals · 25/10/2012 22:50

golden - pain is a part of life. sometimes the fear of pain is worse than the pain itself.

there is a fine line though between being irresponsible and allowing children to be themselves.

don't be afraid of pain or tears though.

Original poster

GoldenAutumn · 25/10/2012 22:59

That's crap actually pump. I have a wordpress blog too - which I haven't mentioned here thank fuck - and on your stats page it tells you where hits on your blog have been coming from. If I've been getting hits from a particular link/page then I usually look at it too. Thankfully I've never seen people being rude or nasty about me though.

Thank you basking - I know you're right and that pain is a part of life. It's something I really struggle with though, and I know it limits me in what I do and feel and try for. I'd like to not pass that onto DD. it's a fine line and a constantly wavering line what it freedom and what is danger, and I think it's often determined only by how it turns out, if that makes any sense. I want DD to be safe, obviously, but also to be more adventurous than I was.

OP posts:

cory · 25/10/2012 23:03

I had a free range childhood in the Scandinavian countryside, but iirc there were fewer silly accidents or potential silly accidents- I think because misjudging a situation or doing things badly meant loss of face among your peers, it meant that you were behaving like a baby. I was allowed to take the boat out from a very young age, but failing to judge the weather correctly and getting caught out would have been embarrassing, so I did my best to avoid that. (Not to mention that boats were cherished, precious possessions, and being responsible for the destruction of one would have felt very shaming.) Noone would have been proud of a foolish child beyond the age of 2 who opened the door of a moving vehicle to see what happened: you were supposed to know what could happen and act accordingly. I don't think we were wrapped in cotton wool, but we were perhaps expected to take responsibility a bit earlier. Many of us played outside with younger siblings, which also cut down on our scope for foolish experimenting: you just can't do that if you are looking out for somebody younger than yourself.

baskingseals · 25/10/2012 23:05

golden i want to encourage you but really don't want to sound all wanky.

if i were you i would start off small, what sort of things would you like to see your dd do? what do you wish you had done? are you both quite similiar?

Justreadthefuckingwords · 25/10/2012 23:39

I ain't taking my comments back.

Don't cow me into retrospection.

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