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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

fuc*&ing social services??!!

73 replies

BloodRedAlienReflux · 24/10/2012 17:44

Right,some of you may have read my thread about my neighbours abusive partner, and i was so worried about the kids,I got my Mum to ring SS.
So she did, and they came round today, and told her EVERYTHING about the phone call??!!
Stuff that only I and a very small handful of people know and a couple of things (black eye and a particular argument) that only I fucking know about???!! She was so pissed on Saturday, she thinks she may have told her Mum the same stuff, so only just doesn't know it's definitely me.
Can they do this??? I'm absolutely fuming.
They said they are going to send her a statement of the whole phone call, so she can l'look over it'
As for the punched through doors, she took them off before they came, and said 'they are in the shed if you want a look'!! the woman said ' no thanks it's raining!!!!'
Now I've just had to watch her little girl go home in tears cos she doesn't want to go.
What can i do now? fuck all.

OP posts:
TheAngelsHaveTheOod · 25/10/2012 09:13

Who said the worker was a student? IME students wouldn't be sent on an initial call, only as a joint visit or if they were already open.

valiumredhead · 25/10/2012 09:17

I don't think YABU, I'd be pretty pissed off and scared if it had been made obvious who phoned and reported them!

BloodRedAlienReflux · 25/10/2012 09:17

The kitten is still ok! i honestly think I am going to leave it now until it kicks off so I can hear it through the walls again, and call the police.
he told her last night he won't look after the kids while she has her first driving lesson, he's such an utter bastard, but what bothers me most is the way they both put all this on the 3 year old girl, like last night when she was crying she didn't want to go home, her Mum was in a right state, saying "why do you do this to me? you know he will kick off if you come in crying, I'll text him then, get him to come and carry you home" met by near hysteria. He won't let her read a story to her at bedtime, cos he's been at work all day and doesn't want her sat in the bedroom all night. My heart breaks for that little girl, she's such a lovely kid.
Grrrrrrrrr, anyway I've got her over for tea tonight, I'm determined to keep it so she can come here sometimes, she's got no other friends except at nursery 2 hours a day.

OP posts:
BloodRedAlienReflux · 25/10/2012 09:19

The girl next door said she's a student, they have only just got out from a very long ss case, the 3 year old was taken off her for 6 weeks when she wouldn't leave her Dad, another abusive violent bastard. So this girl was working with her before.

OP posts:
TheAngelsHaveTheOod · 25/10/2012 09:22

They 'bounce' back to the same worker if it's less than 3 months since closure here so that would explain that bit.
If theyve closed recently then CS must think that everything is ok. So they aren't aware of the stuff you are hearing. Which unfortunately means someone needs to keep them aware.

justmyview · 25/10/2012 09:24

Poor little girl. Sounds awful for her

BadRoly · 25/10/2012 09:25

We had to contact SS last year and effectively report very good friends of ours. The initial contact was not the SW who visited either us or the other family. We were advised to tell the other family ourselves that we had made the referral as it would be obvious who it was when the SW visited.

It has cost us our friendship but I would do it again in - my children (and theirs) are too important to ignore worrying behaviour.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 25/10/2012 23:25

That is a good point badroly...at all costs I think people should be responsible for the care of children.

However I would also fear any recompense in a way. It is difficult, but if you take the stance op to help a child then you need to give a lot of consideration to your own safety. If you are worried about that, then I suggest you call the police as soon as you hear anything conserving in terms of violence and say there is a child in the house and things are obviously violent. That way the complaint comes via the police and not you.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 25/10/2012 23:26

Concerning not conversing

FutureNannyOgg · 25/10/2012 23:44

I'm sorry this isn't turning out as you hoped OP, but maybe I can shed some light on why they show the full statement.

A year or so ago my neighbour made allegations to SS about me. They were completely fictitious, batshit crazy, we have no idea who it was as none of it made any sense.

Our SW was a nightmare though. She trickled the information in a little at a time, and I was trying to make sense of it, see what kind of misinterpretation the person who called in had made. I didn't see the whole statement until it came with the follow up letter.

For instance the SW told me they had heard that my son was sat in his high chair a lot. I explained that he liked to take his time to eat and explore his food, so yes, he could be in for a while at a time, but he was fine. What the actual report said was that he was left, in his high chair, alone in the conservatory for hours on end. Had I been told that I could have immediately pointed out that a) the high chair was never in the conservatory, and b) if it was, there was no vantage point from outside our garden where it would be visible. I could have discredited the whole set of allegations straight away in the first visit because it was physically impossible for them to have seen what they said they did. As it was we had 3 very intrusive visits from a very obnoxious SW before her boss closed the file as we were clearly just fine.

Obviously in your case there is a serious problem, there will be a follow up visit, they will also talk to the childrens' HV, doctor, nursery etc, but every family under investigation needs to know exactly what they are being investigated for. Otherwise the authorities could investigate anyone, for any undisclosed reason, and they would have no way of defending themselves.

BloodRedAlienReflux · 26/10/2012 09:52

just a quick update. She came round yesterday and said, it must be someone close that's done it out of concern, as they didn't drop me in for benefit fraud, so i looked her in the eye and said, it was my Mum. She completely understands. her Mum has done the same in her last relationship.
They had an almighty row last night, (I didn't know until this morning) and he's left. I don't know if he's gone for good, but I feel the situation is much better, as she knows I'm on her side if she wants him out, I'll help her with day to day stuff, (she doesn't drive and we live in middle of nowhere). He is also aware that people are watching him, and as he is on license he can't afford this kind of attention.
So, things are Ok for now thank god. But I wouldn't call SS again, in the same situation, I would just call the police at the time.
Thanks for all your replies :)

OP posts:
GhostofMammaTJ · 26/10/2012 09:59

Actually, phoning just the police is fine, they are obliged to inform SS if there is violence and children present.

cheekydevil · 26/10/2012 09:59

Thank you for the update. Hope he stays away and the little girl gets some peace. :)

BloodRedAlienReflux · 26/10/2012 10:11

I found out yesterday though, that the little girl told the teachers at nursery (my friend was on parent rota and was stood there) that he bites her, really hard, and when she gets out of bed, he shouts get back to fucking bed?
So I hope he stays gone, or she's going to have more visits I'm sure.

OP posts:
cheekydevil · 26/10/2012 10:49

Well, I guess nursery has to report the statements made by the little girl now?

bringbacksideburns · 26/10/2012 10:52

I'd take this opportunity to have a bloody good talk to this woman. What kind of a fucked up future does she want for her child?
I'd be brutally honest if you haven't been before and tell her it's preferable to be on her own than with a bastard.

BloodRedAlienReflux · 26/10/2012 10:56

Yes, I'm surprised they haven't already?! this happened a couple of weeks ago, I only found out last night when i went to parent on rotas house for a bottle of wine.
I tell her every fucking day she's better off without him, she says he's gone now, but if he comes back again I don't know if we can be mates anymore, she cannot keep putting her kids through this shit, just so she's not on her own, as someone who's lived on my own many times since 16, I don't get it at all.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 26/10/2012 10:58

Very frustrating and upsetting for you.

You have no option then, you tell her if she has him back you won't hesitate to report him for further abuse and your friendship can't continue because you can't condone the way he treats them.

Horrible situation.

BloodRedAlienReflux · 26/10/2012 11:01

Yeah, you're right bringback I'm taking her out later, I'm going to say, I'm glad he's gone, but if he comes back and I hear him punching doors I'm phoning the law. She knows I'm not police calling happy, I've refrained up til now, but I'm getting to my limit with it all.

OP posts:
KateShmate · 26/10/2012 12:04

Well done OP, that poor little girl - she has basically been ferried from one abuser to another.
I agree that you should warn her that the second you hear any kind of abuse then you will be phoning 999 immediately. Maybe it will give her the shock that she needs. But at the same time reassure her that you are just next door and that you will always be there to support her etc. Its no excuse that she is worried about being on her own, but at least she will know you are there for her.
I still can't believe that the girl said that he bites her, that is utterly disgusting - I'm guessing your friend must know about all of this?

Keep going, OP, well done

Libellune · 26/10/2012 12:15

I sympathise. You did the right thing.

I lived next to a total psycho for a year who left his dc 15 alone nearly the entire time. I didn't phone the ss as I was so f**king scared of what he would do to me and my dc. As the kid was 15 I just sort of took over his care instead, thankfully they moved.

Your mum did the right thing. I think you just have to bluff it out and totally deny it. She's not sure who phoned them up anyway. SS have been alerted and if I remember from your last post they already know about her.
You just have to keep an eye out for the child and hope they do their job.

You could maybe use being "falsely accused" by her as excuse to distance yourself from her, act affronted at her suggestion it was you. You are just enableling her to carry on denying her abusive partner by being there for her each time.

Libellune · 26/10/2012 12:19

Oh fuck missed your update Blood... ignore above Confused

NigellaLawless · 26/10/2012 16:15

Blood you have absolutely done the right thing and well done for being so honest with your friend. It can't have been easy and i really admire you for it.

I hope that this is the end of that horrible relationship but in my experience it rarely is. So despite her best promises be prepared for having to call the police when you hjear it all kicking off again in the future.

That little girl is so lucky that her mother moved next door to you!

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